Thursday, March 10, 2011

Watching porn with your boyfriend's dad

In the middle of the night I got really hot and decided to go looking for some ice cream or something cold to eat. Turns out Laurie was prepared for me, because she'd left a bowl of applesauce right in front on the top shelf. Every time Josh's parents do something like this it feels like a warm hug. No, I have fever and am anti-warm. A cool hug.

I took the applesauce and went back to bed and ate it in bed. It's weird how when you're in a rich-people house you're willing to do rich-people things sometimes. Who eats food in bed? But when you know somebody will be through the room in the morning to clean it and change the bedding, you don't worry about what if there's a little spill? It is scary how fast you can get used to fancy.

Going back to sleep after the snack, I woke up before 6am and started watching episodes of Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Zoning out on the accents and lack of plot I didn't notice right away when Tom came into the bedroom. Not until he sat down on the bed next to me and inquired, "So, what are we watching?"

How do you tell your boyfriend's dad you're watching a show about a call girl in London? If you're me, but dizzy with fever, you tell him really enthusiastically. It's a show! In London! About a call girl! WITH ACCENTS! Tom laughed, patted me on the head, and walked out.

Oh! I forgot to say that not only do they do applesaucey things, but they also put a little bell next to my bed to be rung when I need anything. Yeah, I don't have the balls to ring the bell, even though Josh said it's okay. Instead if I don't feel good enough to get out of bed I listen for footsteps walking past in the hall and then call out to whoever's walking past.

Laurie came in to see that I hadn't died in the night or whatever, and told me she was going out and Tom was going to be a stay at home dad for the day. It took me a while to sort out what she was saying (everything is taking a while - this post has been taking over an hour), but then I realized that explained why Tom hadn't been wearing a suit. Aren't I kind of too old to be babysat? It seems weird. I wanted to call Josh about this but it was too early.

So I called Danielle. Who laughed at me. "Sammers, people have dads. Dads can mom you, they're qualified. Plus, if anything goes wrong, just kick him in the balls." She was right. I think you need to just not think about the dad thing, because if you analyze it that's what makes it weird. It's just weird to me, but I guess it's weird for Josh to think of not having two parents. I come from such a girl-centric world, it's hard to work in the idea of guys.

A little later in the morning Tom came back in with his coffee cup. He rolled Josh's desk chair over, put his feet up on the bed, and watched Secret Diary with me. Right in time for a topless scene where main character is giving a client a blowjob. Great. I'm watching soft corn porn with my boyfriend's dad. It was the most awkward thing ever - I wanted to pretend to fall asleep.  I'm hoping it didn't really happen and having so much fever has just made me delirious and imaging things.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your writing is always interesting and funny. I love it! And, feel better soon.

Alisha said...

I think eating in bed in a lot of homes is more of a when-you're-sick thing than a rich-people thing. Or it just depends on who it is -- I was rarely (ever?) allowed to do so growing up, but I do it whenever I want now that I have my own home. I'm a pretty neat eater, though.

Enjoy being taken care of and feel better soon, Sam!

Yankee, Transferred said...

Yeah. What Anonymous said.