The aftermath of rainbows and unicorns

Stuff and things

2012-02-10T00:23:00.001-05:00

My sister is sick of my clothing angst and told me to shut the fuck up.
The other day I was so tired that I skipped my first college class and slept late. It was totally worth it.
Tomorrow we are getting Blossom the Birthday Dog, to babysit for the weekend. There has been a lot of argument over where the dog will sleep.
I am not scared of my sister, so have not shut the fuck up about clothing. I bought a Vogue magazine. Does anyone really dress like that?
It is possible there was jumping on the bed when we found out about Blossom.
Arnie got in a huge fight with someone on the phone and screamed at them. I got nominated to be the person who had to go close his door.
There are two very hot guys who live together on our floor. Today I got told by one of them that the other one, the one who looks like he's related to Kurt Hummel, is half Korean. You can not tell from looking. What you could tell, from looking at me, is that I tripped and nearly fell over as we walked out of the elevator.
After an embarrassing amount of research I have learned what boatneck collars are, and what traditional nautical clothing is. Imagine my mom coming back and asking what I've been learning in college. Not sure she'd be happy.
My mom would really love a dog to play with. There is a lot to tell her.

Beyond basics

2012-02-07T01:02:00.000-05:00

My safe outfit is jeans and a black long-sleeve shirt. If it's really cold, jeans and a black sweater. When it's hot, it's jeans and a black tank. Or a jeans miniskirt and a black tank. I have some nicer stuff, skirts and sweaters, but unless it's black or red matching things properly is always a gamble. My sister has joked that I'm mentally color blind. For work or going to Josh's parents' house, I wear dresses mostly. A woman at work told me one day that a denim skirt isn't dressy enough. It was really embarrassing and caused me to go stand in the bathroom (on another floor so nobody at work would know) and have a panic attack. Dresses are easier than skirts and tops since it's one less decision to make.

Alex tried to help by writing coordinating numbers on the labels of the skirts that went with shirts. So I could just take the #4 shirt and look for the #4 skirt and trust they go together. She also scribbled color blocks on a piece of paper, showing which colors go together. Alex even only used colors I have in the closet. So she didn't bother with pink or purple since I don't have anything in those colors. Plus from looking at Al doing ballet all the time, I already know light pink goes with black.

Sometimes I have dreams that there's a huge walk-in closed packed to the rafters with amazing clothes, all in my size, and I'm skipping through it, yanking out amazing outfits. When I wake up, I'll actually be all excited thinking the walk-in closet is just waiting for me to open my eyes, look at it and pluck out an outfit. Then I realize the closet that really exists, my heart sinks, and out comes the jeans and black shirt.

Josh, a straight boy, has even given me fashion tips when I bitch about things too much. "Try easing out of your comfort zone by just adding a scarf." Yeah. My scarf is black.

A little puppy that follows

2012-02-06T00:27:00.000-05:00

Alex went to babysit yesterday and then from there went to a sleepover. When she came home, she went straight to bed and didn't get up until almost 2pm. (I was kind of jealous of all that sleep.) At the time I was out, but Josh was home and Alex told him that at her sleepover they called her a follower.

She is totally a follower. We've called her a puppy to her face countless times. It's never bothered her. But this time, from these girls, it did. Apparently Alex cried when she was telling Josh about it which kind of explains why they were so weird when I got home.

After dinner she went to lay in my bed and we were talking about it, and Al was like "I don't even know if they're still my friends anymore!" Dani made her laugh by suggesting we'd tell her whether they were or not and she would just do whatever we said. When the Superbowl was over and Josh was able to talk again he said I should probably do something to make Alex more independent. Oh, okay I'll just get right on that, thanks for the tip.

Mushy

2012-02-02T01:18:00.000-05:00

If I'd grown up differently I'd probably be more mushy. Aunt Elaine definitely fucked with my mush, you know? My mom was super mushy. Even if she just looked at you or just smiled while she kept looking at whatever she was doing, it still felt like you'd gotten a hug without her touching you. Alex is super mushy. My mom would be happy about it. If there is a lap, Alex is sitting in it. If you stand near her, she will lean against you. Al is like a puppy, following you around wherever you go.

I am nostalgic for mushy. I have lost my mush. It feels foreign and familiar all at the same time. It almost seems like it doesn't fit with my personality and I don't know how to expand it to include mush. No, I'm not PMSing, why do you ask?

One down

2012-01-31T00:56:00.001-05:00

Dani knocked on the bathroom door right as I was getting out of the shower. When I opened the door, she leaned against me. "I'm nauseous." Dani's voice was scratchy and shaky. Putting my hair in a high ponytail, I braided it, then twirled it around and tucked the ends in, instead of blowdrying my hair. This probably saved me over five minutes and gave me the time to get Danielle set up on the couch, with a garbage pail, a wet washcloth, and crackers. Josh offered to run out to get Dani stuff, so I sent him for ginger ale.

When I had a break I called to see how she was feeling, but Dani was asleep. After I got home, Alex ate an orange for dinner and then claimed her throat hurt. I hope we aren't all getting sick. If Danielle is better tomorrow then we'll all be fine. If she's still sick and Alex is still complaining, we're all going down.

Special clothes

2012-01-30T00:54:00.000-05:00

Josh nearly made me pee in my pants when he swore there's a section of clothing called "cruise wear" that people wear on cruises. I did not believe him. I swore that he was just making things up. But no. Nautical clothing is real. I asked if you get kicked off the boat if you don't have the right clothes. Josh made a face. "No, but people will notice." People? You mean people I'll never see again in my life?

If we wind up married, it does not seem like I will ever fit into Josh's world. My friend Jackie and I have had long discussions about this. Her suggestion was to act like the women on Real Housewives who marry into money. Not really sure I could do that - those women always seem really shallow and obvious when I watch those shows. Who wants to be like that? When Josh's parents serve caviar am I supposed to ask which brand it is and then make a face and claim I only like some other brand? Use the word summer as a verb? Bond with people by complaining about the hired help? Yeah, I don't really see that happening. Maybe I'll learn to say like less often, but that's probably about it.

The Alaska cruise vacation has to be between May and September. Josh insists though that we are going on a vacation in April, for Spring Break. I think he's trying to set up the Alaska one anyway, and just sneak it in there hoping I won't notice or something. We agreed on two a year. Not two plus a cruise. But I heard him saying something about a graduation present. Meaning my sister. I looked up how much cruises cost. That is WAY too big of a high school graduation present. I just keep having visions of us dressed alike in our matching nautical-themed clothing with our hair in matching french pigtail braids, holding hands and skipping along a harbor.

We ended the conversation with me asking Josh to please just not set up any vacations that involve having to buy different clothes. He promised. Why can't we just have a vacation right here? People come here from all over the world to see everything there is in NY. Why can't we just play tourist for a week? We wouldn't have to fly anywhere or pack or anything.

Grownupping is exhausting

2012-01-27T00:52:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I forget to put on deodorant (luckily not too often, but still). Sometimes I eat standing over the sink because the idea of having to wash a dish exhausts me. Sometimes I just cut corners because being a grownup is too much. Living AND going to school AND going to work AND going to Other work AND my sisters AND Josh is just ... a lot.

Sometimes when one of my sisters comes to talk to me about a problem or a big decision I just want to tell them to deal with it themselves. Can't you just figure it out and if whatever you decided was a mistake then deal with that too? That's what I've done. Granted, my life is not that impressive, but still, it's not anything to be ashamed of either.

Tonight I did something really stupid. I was studying while I was making dinner and cut my finger because I wasn't paying attention to the right thing. Blood, like alcohol, cooks out right? Well, we can all use a little more protein. My mom used to say that haste makes waste and I am forever reminding myself to slow down. The truth is the only time I actually do it is getting in and out of the shower.

Any time the tiniest difficult thing happens, Josh always says he needs a vacation. Well, I think I need a vacation now too.

Next door

2012-01-26T00:09:00.001-05:00

Honestly I am really surprised how everyone's all for Dani paying expenses and stuff. Really she just pays for her share of our cell phone bill and that's it. Her school is so much more intense than my high school was that it seemed wrong to make her use up almost all her non-school time working. I figured as long as she kept up high grades then it was worth it.

Josh told his parents what Danielle told us. I know, because Laurie called me to talk about it. She said she very strongly feels Dani shouldn't have to get a job her freshman year of college. I reminded her that I had one. "Yes, and I wasn't pleased. However, it was not an ideal situation and we recognized that." Dani's applying for every single scholarship she qualifies for, and probably some she doesn't. I don't like to count on those - I'm always worried the world will explode and all of a sudden college won't be paid for. But if she gets enough then books will be covered too, and really Dani won't cost any more money in college than she does now.

The same issue will apply in college for Dani too - her classes are going to be all sciencey and hard. Harder than in her school now. So I am not sure about charging her rent or anything. All I am sure about is that she shouldn't tell Alex, who will definitely cry at the idea of having to sleep in her own room every night.

Shocker

2012-01-25T01:53:00.003-05:00

Dani is much smarter than me. I can fight better than she can, and might be a little more street smart than she is, but other than that, she's definitely way ahead of me. Like when I do a math problem I start at the beginning and work through all the steps. Even with that, if I stop in the middle for any reason it means going back to the beginning. Heaven help anyone who interrupts during math homework. Dani can glance at a math problem and start at step four. She can barely write fast enough to keep up with her brain. When I have to write a paper, there are multiple drafts, lots of crossing out and editing. These things took me almost an hour to write when I started. Dani has almost the whole thing written out in her head and just types as fast as she can before she forgets, only stopping to look up a detail here or there.

When Danielle started science school she announced that she was moving out for college. She's spent three years talking about "when I move out..." I've always expected she would do it, and had some secret plan for how she'd afford it. Tonight after I thought Dani had gone to sleep, she knocked on our door and came to sit on our bed. Josh asked if he should leave, but Dani told him no, it wasn't a girly talk.

"This pains me more than you can possibly know. Sadly, it's probably going to pain you a lot too." I had no idea what she was talking about. For a second, I wondered if she was pregnant. When I looked at Josh it was obvious he was thinking the same thing.

Danielle is not pregnant. Thank god. Fifty times over. She's made a decision about college though, and she wants to keep living here, with the understanding she can stop sharing a room with Alex and take over the study room. I asked what about college and the whole moving out thing. Dani told us she decided it doesn't make sense. Kind of smiled. "You know your stupid budget that you're always checking? I kind of made two." She made one for if she moved out and one for if she stayed here. "It's really hard to earn enough money to support yourself!" Yeah, no shit.

I was about to tell her of course she could stay, but Josh cut me off and told her we'd think about it and let her know. Then he said good night, like he was dismissing her. I've noticed it's a rich people thing. His mother can say thank you in a way that lets you know you're to leave too. Danielle gave me a weird look, but mumbled good night and left.

Josh explained that we have all been planning on Dani moving out this coming August and for her to decide she's not shouldn't be something she gets to dictate. It seemed very parent-y of him, and like posturing for no reason. Josh suggested that we tell Dani if she wants to stay, then she has to work and contribute money to paying for stuff. I am not sure about any of this.

Most awkward talk ever

2012-01-23T01:04:00.000-05:00

Tonight we had a fire family dinner with one of the families that is obvious about it being a chore. We were supposed to go to them in November, and back in December they told us January 22nd was the first Sunday they were free.

Danielle and I had a big talk about it, and she said it would be much easier to tell them to their faces, as we were saying goodbye. Her logic was that if we left them a note we'd worry about their reaction until we talked with them next. If we sent them an e-mail it would be the same situation. Danielle's suggestion was that we just tell them, as we were putting our jackets on, that everything is crazy hectic lately and could we contact them when things calmed down.

It sounded like the biggest load of bullshit to me. When I told Dani that she got angry and told me to come up with something better to say. The truth is I couldn't. The only thing I decided we should change is to add a thank you. On the way there, I begged Danielle to say it, and she refused. $32 later, she agreed. I gave her $10 as soon as she agreed and promised to give her the rest by Monday night.

When we were leaving, I took Alex's hand and walked a little bit away after saying goodbye, to give Danielle space to do her thing. It was too far away to hear what she was saying, but Dani later told me she went into some weird zone where she didn't even feel like she was inside her body as she was saying it.

I asked Danielle if she'd do this with all the people who don't seem to like our dinners. We then entered intense negotiations to sort out who would give the speech in the future. After half an hour and almost half a pint of ice cream it was agreed she will do the next one, I will listen, and then we will switch off and alternate.

Out of nowhere

2012-01-18T22:17:00.000-05:00

Josh's mom called last night to ask if she could meet up with Alex after school and take her for a snack. Alex came home in time for dinner all happy and excited. Apparently Laurie is going to be re-decorating her house and wants to get Al's opinion on furniture and stuff.

I'm not sure if Laurie genuinely thinks Alex has good taste or she's humoring her hobby. But now all is all pumped up and has announced she is going to go to college to be an interior designer for that to be her backup after dancing.

Now Al thinks she's all impressive and twice we've caught her standing in the middle of a room, studying it critically. To be honest, I don't get it. I'm terrible at this stuff and don't think it matters much. I'm not very girly when it comes to decorating while Alex is all about creating ambiance and reading articles on feng shui for apartments. It's probably good she'll have an outlet for this stuff. Or something.

Six days

2012-01-16T23:47:00.002-05:00

Supposedly even Olympic athletes only work out six days a week. Josh and I have been going running Mondays through Thursdays lately. Except for when he's on vacation. Or one of us has a test or paper due. Or one of us is just too tired. I can usually talk a sister into running with me though, and once our gay neighbor was headed out to run on a night Josh wasn't around so I asked him to wait five minutes and we went running together. I thought it'd be weird to talk with a grownup but we just talked about restaurants and food and cooking and stuff. He didn't even say once "When I was a kid..."

Becca and I got together this weekend. I thought we'd go do something fun and had brought $20 prepared to spend it, but Becca asked me to help her clean out her clothes. It kind of sucked and made Becca promise next time we'll go out and not clean. I clean enough at home.

My sisters staged a revolt against the plan I had for them helping with dinner. Their compromise was that I should expect one of them to help each night, but I don't get to dictate which one. Whichever one shows up is who will help for all of dinner and they'll sort out who's turn it is and I'm to not care. I don't really understand why they prefer this to what I'd said, but honestly, if the goal is to get help and I'm getting it there's no reason to care who's providing it.

We got three cheap Bento boxes and I'm using them for snacks. This feels better than going through a ton of sandwich bags every day. So I'm trying to eat every 3-4 hours. Even with bringing snacks, I still forget to eat them sometimes when school is busy. A lot of people eat in class, but I feel like that's really rude and can't bring myself to do it. Right now we're eating a lot of those tiny oranges and I'd feel bad making a classroom smell like oranges. It goes better on the days I bring cheese to school.

Resolutions are really hard.

We should do something

2012-01-15T12:54:00.001-05:00

This is what Danielle told me when she woke up this morning. Tomorrow everyone has off for MLK Jr. Day. So I think maybe we'll go ice skating first thing in the morning. I bet a lot of other people will have the same idea, but hopefully we'll get there early enough. This is not enough for Dani though, she wants more, bigger. She wants to do something tonight involving staying out late since there's no school tomorrow. I told her to suggest something since my idea wasn't enough and she wants to go see a movie. This was such a relief - there'd been a moment of panic while she was thinking, and I was worried she'd come out with something huge and expensive and impossible.

Later, Dani skipped up me and announced her friend Tyler is coming with us to the movies tonight. When I looked at her surprised, she told me Josh had suggested she bring someone, like a double-date. Um really? Okay I guess, but it would have been nice if Josh had run something like that by me before telling my little sister to go out and find herself a date.

Running

2012-01-11T02:11:00.002-05:00

My sisters and I have almost always gotten the knock-off Converse sneakers. We wear them into the ground and then squeeze a few more months out of them before getting new ones. The other day when Josh and I got back from our nightly run, he watched me taking off my shoes near the door and suggested I get real running shoes.

My gut instinct was to wonder how much it would cost, how many weeks of saving it would take, what other extras would get pushed aside to fit that in. Then, fuck it. "Want to buy me some?" Josh gave me a shit-eating grin. "Sure!" Today we went shopping.

Normally when I buy sneakers I just walk up to the aisle with my size and grab the box. This was different. A girl zeroed in on us right away and asked how she could help. She asked to see me walk. She asked what I'd be using the sneakers for. She laced them for me. When I leaned forward to grab the other one out of the box and lace it Josh caught my eye and gave a tiny shake of his head. So we sat there doing nothing while the girl did it for me.

She had me walk back and forth in a few different pair. On the second pair, I whispered to Josh to ask if this was taking too long. He shook his head no. It seemed like a boring thing to do - watch a person try on shoe after shoe, but the girl told me, "I've seen tons of bored boyfriends in here, and he's not one of them."

On the fourth pair I'd had enough. The girl was telling me all these things, they meant nothing to me since I didn't understand what she was talking about, I couldn't keep straight which facts went with which shoes, and despite what she'd said I felt bored on Josh's behalf. So I told her the fourth pair were great, let's get them. Then I made the mistake of asking how much they cost. Sneakers shouldn't cost $135 unless they come with two pairs of jeans.

I quietly asked the girl if she had a sneaker sort of like that, except at at least half the cost. She immediately looked at Josh like, "Help me!" That felt insulting. She told us, "Why don't I let you two talk," and walked away. I whispered to Josh that there was no way in hell over $100 was being spent on shoes. He kissed my nose. "Price is not your problem tonight. If you like them and they fit, you're getting them."

So. Hello. My name is Sam and I own $135 sneakers. Plus tax.

Let's blame it on the full moon

2012-01-10T01:38:00.000-05:00

People who go on cruises know there are specific times of the year to go to certain places. So you go to Alaska in the summer. Plus because it's like, a boat, you have to go when the boat is taking off. You can't just choose your own dates. Also plus, sometimes you have to fly to get where the boat will push off from.

Josh came back saying we're going on the Alaska cruise with his parents. And his grandparents. I wish Danielle and I were twins so I could send her in my place. Those grandparents are super intense.

Before I could properly panic about going on a cruise with so many grownups, Josh told me he would be needing another vacation before the winter ends. Okay, it's like 50 degrees here! Well maybe not quite that warm, but still. Global warming is here. Why does Josh need to go to Antigua or wherever? How does he know when he needs a vacation? How come I never need one?

Josh gave me no time to go down that line of thought and immediately told me that really, the minimum should be three vacations a year, not two. We need one in the fall or near Christmas, one in the winter, and one in the summertime. I bet he could come up with reasons we need to go once a month.

Tripping

2012-01-09T02:03:00.001-05:00

Josh: Our deal was that you'd carve out a week twice a year to go on vacations with me.
Sam: I know.
J: Here's my list of places I want to go with you given our week-long time allowance, and here's my list of dates there's time off school.
S: Whoa. Can we even get to all these places and back within one week?
J: Technically since we'll have a weekend there'll be Sunday, then a week, then a weekend so that's nine days. But yeah I only put places that work for a week.
S: Okay can I be honest with you?
J: Uh-oh.
S: When we went to New England I didn't have as much fun as when we went to Florida because we rushed to pack in so much. There was almost no time to stand still and soak in any fun moments.
J: Oh. Okay. So we won't go to Europe for a week, that's okay.
S: What do these things mean?
J: There's a key at the bottom. That one means it's a cruise.
S: We could go on a cruise?
J: Sure.
S: Isn't it ... boring? To just be stuck on a boat for so long? And claustrophobic?
J: No, no! The ships are amazing and have tons of stuff to do, plus they dock in fun places every couple of days so you can explore.
S: That sounds kind of fun....
J: It IS! So can we book a cruise? Want to go to Alaska?
S: And then the ship would dock in different parts of Alaska?
J: Sure, like at Sarah Palin's place, where we could look at Russia ...

Quitter

2012-01-03T01:33:00.001-05:00

I want to quit fire family dinners on Sunday nights. For one thing, I'm super busy. Between work, other work, school, sisters, Josh and home, carving out four or five hours each Sunday evening is a big deal. For another, if I'm not busy, I'd rather spend the time with Josh. We get so little waking time together.

Also, the purpose was to make us feel like we were still part of them, it was a connection to Topher. But at this point, it's been so many years that we've heard all their Topher stories by now. We know of all the silly things girls did to flirt with him, all the prank jokes Topher played on the guys and the pranks they played on him. We know all the times he did something heroic to help or save someone.

Plus, it's plainly obvious we're an obligation to them. Well that's maybe not fair. Most, not all. There have been signs for years that we're an oversight. I bought stamps and the three of us sat and made Christmas cards for all our fire families. We mailed them out exactly three weeks before Christmas. It's now like a week after, and we got two mailed back (one addressed to Daniel). There have been times we've been served leftovers, and times we've been served a defrosted casserole. We never say anything besides thank you, but it makes my heart sink each time. Sometimes we're having conversations and it's clear they're not listening. Three years ago I asked to get a tour of Randall's Island and it hasn't happened.

I just ... don't want to bother anymore. The majority of them seem so put out. The thing is this is so .... unofficial, so slapped together a decade ago when everything was raw that there's no method for extraction. How do you walk away from a favor without calling people out on being bitter for providing that favor?

There are some people I want to stay in touch with. The people who call me when they'll be in the city to see if we can meet up. The ones who insisted on Josh coming to dinner so they could meet and inspect him. The ones who taught me what it means to deep condition your hair, to take two aspirin before getting waxed. The ones who call during the week to find out how something went that was mentioned at Sunday's dinner. So yeah, I want to quit dinners.

Resolutions

2012-01-01T08:12:00.001-05:00

I'm not really into things like New Year's resolutions. Except the last few months, I keep thinking of things that fall into the category of "Really gotta get on that..." Since that list is kept in my head and my head is stuffed, I keep forgetting so I'm always walking around triple-checking that my keys are in my pocket, my professor's email address was typed correctly when I emailed in my paper. It's exhausting to always feel like you're forgetting something, to consistently have a low-level of panic that something is slipping through the cracks but you're not sure what.

find the book about inspiring through motivation instead of fear professor suggested
do better with making friends and doing stuff with them
make sure to buy fewer black clothes when buying
get everyone to help more consistently
find replacement word for retarded
help Dani plot out college calendar
eat more consistently
work out most days

That's it.

An honest job

2011-12-27T08:24:00.005-05:00

My mom never wanted any of us to work at fast food restaurants. I'm not sure if it's because their food is crap and she thought if we worked there we'd be more likely to eat there, or she had some other reason. So far she's gotten her wish though, and it looks good for the future. We're wrong, but my sisters and I always joke about having a job at Burger King as being the worst thing in the world, as if that's the ultimate sign of failure. Of course it's not, of course it's a perfectly honest job, a job you have to physically work hard at, a job that is legal and moral.

The other day this boy Chris came over. We went to high school together and he'd run into Dani at the beginning of the month and told her to have me get in touch. So it was the day after Christmas and he showed up. When he walked past me to come inside, I noticed he smelled bad. Like sweat. No, like dirty sweat. Clean sweat smells kind of good. Also, he smelled like cigarettes and weed.

I couldn't remember where Chris wound up going to college, so I apologized and asked. He laughed and talked about failing out in his first semester. Chris asked if I'm still working at the diner, so I filled him in on the office gig and tutoring. He told me about how he's been going on vacation two or three times a year and was kind of boasting about it. He clearly wanted me to be jealous, and I was. Finally I asked how he was affording all these trips to Florida and Mexico.

The answer? By pimping himself out. He blows guys for money. My jaw was on the floor. Apparently Chris has two regulars hiring him every week who pay very well (really? do guys pay guys more for oral than they pay girls? because the hookers i grew up knowing probably only got around $30 or so for a blowjob) and a few random extra people. I asked if Chris does ass sex too, and he got all indignant about not being gay. I didn't ask then why is he blowing guys, but wanted to.

At some point I told Chris, "Of all things, this is definitely not the direction I saw you going in." He laughed. "Hey, it's an honest job. Nothing more pure and basic than sex, right?" Umm ... actually ...

The glass Chris drank out of is on the counter with a piece of paper taped to it that says "Don't drink out of me." I am not sure it's possible to wash it thoroughly enough.

Happy chanukah, now leave

2011-12-23T23:29:00.001-05:00

Josh and his parents (and some of their friends) are leaving tomorrow for their vacation. So we had the parents over for a going-away brunch of bagels and lox. I don't know if a going-away brunch is a real thing, but we proposed it and they came. Early this morning I spent some time cutting melon and pineapple into dreidels and stars of david. Considered trying to do a menorah but knew it wouldn't come out well and I'd just wind up angry about throwing out food, so didn't bother. For dessert we got jelly donuts.

We'd agreed to exchange presents today and it felt weird, like cheating almost, to open Christmas presents before Christmas. I held back two little gifts for my sisters so they'll have something to open on Sunday. It was really touching that Laurie got Christmas wrapping paper - I know she got it specifically for our presents.

At the last party at her house Laurie discovered a red wine stain from a bottle and quietly told me that always happens and it drives her nuts. So I bought Laurie these fancy wine coaster thingies. I got two - one for white, one for red. She seemed to like them - so did Josh's dad - but Laurie's also super polite and it's hard to be sure.

It seemed like they had somewhere else to be. Josh's dad kept looking at the time. He did it so much that it made me anxious and after a while I just wanted them to go already and stop worrying about being late to whatever their next obligation was.

We got our new bedding. I was prepared this time, and smiled and said thank you. There's a sheet that's blue and altogether, it looks pretty good. I made Josh ask his parents if our old bedding could be donated. So now it's sitting in a box and tomorrow me and my sister will bring it to a firehouse for them to give someone who needs it. So it's okay now.

The aftermath of crying in the shower

2011-12-22T00:42:00.001-05:00

(Vinny, I'm not the type to jump up and down waving while squealing but if I were I'd do it to say hi back.)

You know how there's the Cute Cry, where you just look at someone with big eyes while tears silently roll down your cheeks? That's how Alex cries most of the time. Then there's the Ugly Cry where if a guy sees it, he wants to flee and you are gasping for breath and look horrible.

It was the Ugly Cry the other night and nobody needs to see that. When I'd calmed down and washed my face and then calmed down some more then yes, we did have a big talk. During our talk I wound up crying again but at least it was the Cute Cry. Mostly.

All I wanted to do was sleep in for a morning. For the entire morning. It was the most luxurious feeling. Josh got told he had to make the applesauce himself and was given a recipe. I chose the latkes because it's the easier thing to make.

It's hard to understand how a guy can sometimes be so considerate and other times be so outrageously clueless in how he comes across.

No, no - allow me

2011-12-20T01:19:00.000-05:00

I routinely study for finals until 4am. Josh routinely studies for about two hours the night before a final. He goes to a harder school and we get about the same grades overall. So I guess Josh is smarter than I am. Fine. If I have to be average, then fine. But I wish he would respect my stupidity.

Tonight Josh came home and proudly dumped a huge bag of apples on the table in front of me. When I looked up he explained, "Tomorrow's the first night of Chanukah." I know this. I looked up the date last year, and have put aside $20 each paycheck for his presents. I did a ton of research. He's going to love them.

Except he wants something else. It is laid out that the prince wants potato latkes and homemade applesauce to go with them. Fuuuuuuuck. Who the hell has time for this shit? Fancy rich mothers who don't have jobs and can instruct their cook to do the work for them, that's who.

I locked myself in the bathroom with the shower running so I could cry. Once I heard Josh on the phone telling his friend, "Nah, I don't have to do anything; I just show up." It made my heart sink. It's like when a father says he's babysitting and it's his own children. Josh is great at helping if something specific is asked of him, and when a new system is instituted he'll follow it for about half a week.

It's not like it's that hard to make applesauce. It's practically like making mashed potatoes. It's the thought of it. The thought that it's not just applesauce, but also making the latkes too. Nothing ever ends. No matter what I do someone else will be waiting to announce they expect yet one more thing from me. Better hurry up and get on that before the next person in line steps forward with their demand. I want to run away from home.

Looking

2011-12-19T00:48:00.001-05:00

In middle school I was friends with this girl (whose name I can no longer remember) who also had two little sisters. She was two years older than me. Her mother dated. I slept over one night and her boyfriend took all of us to Coney Island. The next morning the guy was gone, and the mother pulled me aside to tell me a second guy was coming over and that her girls knew not to mention the first one in front of him. The second guy showed up with six bags full of groceries.

When I got home I looked at my mother differently. I tried to imagine her juggling multiple guys, hustling them all the time. It had never really hit me before that she didn't date, because we just had such a busy household. My brother dated a lot, but didn't seem serious about anyone. Half the time I didn't know if the girls with him were friends or girlfriends. Then there was Aunt Elaine. I don't say this to be mean, but I'm not sure if she's ever dated anyone.

So I guess I don't have a lot of real-life experience of how relationships are supposed to be. The ones on tv are there because they're either outrageous (see Sammi & Ronnie on Jersey Shore) or caricatures of how they're supposed to be. Maybe that's the wrong word. Nothing is on tv because it's right or normal. Every married couple on non-reality tv is lame. The wife always is totally together and hot, and the guy is always dorky or bald or fat and screwing things up. It's like they play into stereotypes of how the man doesn't know how to do laundry.

Becca told me her parents got married for health insurance purposes. They're still married, so it looks like that worked out okay for them. I just wish there were examples I could look at, for signs.

Plans

2011-12-14T00:24:00.003-05:00

study
study
study
eat some jellybeans
study
study
go work out
study
study
study
put hot-as-i-can-stand-it washcloth over eyes when eye muscles are twitching
study
study
study
take finals
collapse

No parents allowed

2011-12-13T01:02:00.000-05:00

On a project for one of my classes I'd gotten bad feedback from my professor and talked my way into getting an extension, giving me time to redo it. Today I ran to drop off my project because today at the end of his office hours was the absolute deadline. He only had a half hour left in office hours when I got there, and his door was closed plus there were people waiting outside. Keeping an eye on the clock, I figured if it got to the point where there were only five minutes left, I'd just slide it under the door and also leave a voicemail saying I did that to get it to him under the deadline without interrupting.

My jacket was folded and I was sitting on it studying for my first final when the door opened and like three or four people walked out. Everyone kind of had that aggressive energy where you're trying to be polite because you're in front of the person who determines your grade but at the same time you'll cut a bitch if anyone cuts ahead of you in line. My professor looked at all of us waiting and announced, "This is college. You should be able to talk to me without your mommy. I don't bite." The guy leaning across the wall opposite me quietly told the woman next to him, "See? I told you."

I hadn't realized it at first, but it turned out I was the only one there without a parent. It's hard to be sure, but even if my mom were still alive, I can't quite imagine bringing her to school with me to just drop off a paper. My teacher told us he'd see whoever had shown up on their own first because he knew it'd be quick, so I popped up and walked in. Dropping my project on his desk, I nodded at the clock on the wall. "Made your deadline." He nodded. "Now if you'd brought your parents, grandparents and two favorite aunts, what's taking 30 seconds now would be taking 20 minutes. Thank you for giving me a shred of hope for the future."

My hope is this translates to my grade...

Bulking up

2011-12-12T01:36:00.000-05:00

Josh and my sister went food shopping, and came home with things I hadn't put on the list. Like tin pans. Danielle has decided we should use these to bake in so cleaning up after dinner is easier. Well, can't call her stupid.

They also bought a bunch of things to make big dishes like lasagna, jambalaya, carrot soup, tomato soup (which leads to grilled cheese, obviously), all those types of foods. So today from like 5am to 1pm I cooked a whole bunch of stuff and froze it. Josh woke up right as I was finishing, and his eyes got really wide when he looked in the kitchen at all the mess. The cooking was just continuous instead of cleaning as I went, the way I usually do. The kitchen was just a wreck.

Josh just looked around for a solid minute, nodded and told me he'd be back. I thought he meant after he got dressed, but then I heard the front door slam. 20 minutes later he was back with a dozen donuts and coffee. We each had two donuts, and after I felt the sugar coursing steadily through my veins I got up to tackle the kitchen. Josh put his hand on the center of my chest, pushed me back onto the couch and went in and started cleaning. Reason 9378 why he's the bomb.

Preparation is key

2011-12-08T00:17:00.001-05:00

I made a chart of all our food, and which food is to be used for which meals. Everyone was given jobs. Josh is to confront the drunk Irish neighbor who likes to sing poorly off-key even after I go to bed. My sisters are each to cook twice a week. When one cooks, the other is to clean up. Josh is to empty the garbage after dinner on a sister cookery night, and is to either take us out to dinner or order in one night a week. On the night I cook, Josh is to clean up and a sister is to set the table and the other sister is to empty the garbage. Alex is doing laundry this weekend and Danielle is going food shopping with a list I'll give her. I washed all the fruit, so I can just toss a pear or apple in my bag each morning on the way out.

Tonight's dinner was cheese, pears, and crackers. Not exactly what I meant...

Commencing freakout

2011-12-06T03:16:00.002-05:00

Finals are in about two weeks, and it feels like there is no way to possibly be ready in time. Time needs to expand, and there needs to be an extra four to six hours starting around 2am. Then I could sleep during those hours, and do all my other stuff during the regular hours.

So much rushing around is happening that I am fucking things up left and right. This morning I brushed my teeth, then couldn't remember what to do next, and somehow brushed my teeth a second time. Totally forgot to wash my face. Forgot to eat lunch and in the middle of the afternoon got super dizzy for about a half hour. The whole day went like that. Josh poked his head into our bedroom and I was just standing there in jeans and a bra. When he asked what I was doing, again, I realized I'd forgotten where I was up to.

Of course Josh's solution involves money - take the day off tomorrow, sleep late, then go get a massage. It's when he says things like that, that I feel farthest away from him. That's how you wind up staying up even later than you ever meant to, staring at the walls, sure you're forgetting something huge while watching the clock.

Exploding virgins

2011-12-05T01:11:00.000-05:00

My little(st) sister wanted to watch this show on tv about virgins tonight. So okay, it's about these grownups who are getting married and are not just virgins, but haven't even kissed someone. Ever. Oh except this one woman who says she's a reclaimed virgin? I don't even understand what that means exactly. All the times in the past she's had sex don't count? How does that work? As long as you don't get pregnant or an STD then it doesn't count? In some way doesn't it seem like mentally unhealthy to discount real things that have happened in your life?

Another thing that seemed weird to me is that these people who are like 29-35 are shown going on first dates and telling the people they're virgins. Now I haven't really dated that many guys in my life, but unless I was actually prepared to have sex on a first date, the subject probably wouldn't be brought up at all.

This one girl is getting married on the show, and she's never kissed anyone in addition to never having had sex. She seems to ask every single person for advice on how to kiss. Then, she has her first kiss EVER at her wedding after they say "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss your bride." In front of everybody. I can't think of anything sexual that I'd want to do for the first time with an audience. Their first kiss, by the way, is awful. I've cringed less watching ugly people make out. The dad of the groom talks about being "a fly on the wall" on the couple's wedding night. EW! He wants to watch his SON have sex with his new daughter-in-law? I asked Josh if that's what his dad secretly thinks, and he could barely stop laughing as he shook his head no.

The 35 year old virgin guy tells the camera he doesn't think telling his date he's a virgin hurt his chances at all - that honesty is the best policy. Okay, there's being honest, and then there's handing someone your bank account and debit pin numbers. You can be honest without telling a person everything.

Alex asked if I think I'll be as giddy as the bride on the show on my wedding day. When she got a no, Al asked if it's because Josh is less uptight than the groom. Um no, it's because we've already had sex. She asked if I was nervous the first time. Josh said that was his cue to leave, and got up and walked away. That's how I wound up having an hour-plus-long conversation with my baby sister about losing one's virginity.

Turn it off

2011-12-02T00:40:00.000-05:00

There's no step-by-step process of how to not quietly keep track of how much Josh spends on me. Sometimes I can almost feel okay if he pays for the big thing and I pay for something little to go with it. Like he pays for the movie tickets and I sneak the bottle of water in. Maybe that's not such a good example.

We went ice skating tonight, and every time, at some point Josh will ask if I want hot chocolate. I always tell him it's okay, I'll make some when we get home. Tonight I just said yes please. Josh did a double-take, but I pretended not to notice. He gave me a shit-eating grin as he handed me the cup. On our way home I asked why it made him smile that way.

"Because I'm making progress."

This is a goal of his? To get to pay for more stuff? I definitely do not understand boys.

Never old enough

2011-11-28T00:41:00.000-05:00

We were at Josh's for the holiday, and I overheard him asking his mom how old she was when she and his dad got engaged. We agreed ages ago that we wouldn't even consider getting engaged until we'd lived together without my sisters. Unless we're in our bedroom with the door closed, all our conversations are interrupted by a sister. I think the only exception to that was our Florida trip. Which went well, but still. That's not enough of a test run. We need like a full year or something.

Josh asked me to think about getting engaged but then not getting married until we'd had time without my sisters. To be honest, I can't picture being married. I wish there was a list of what you're supposed to do as a wife. When I googled it, all that I found were things that seemed either religious or from the '50's. How do you ... be a wife? How do you know you're qualified?

I told Josh that I can't see myself having a wedding like those people on the tv shows. You know the girls who spend $5,000 on a wedding dress? Spending $5,000 on an entire wedding seems crazy to me. Josh just laughed at me, but I figured it's probably best to start managing expectations in advance. Bet you anything if I asked Alex, she's already got it all planned out.

It makes me nervous to know Josh is thinking about all this. I worry he'll spring a proposal when I'm not prepared, and the surprise will make me hurt his feelings. It's too bad I can't just get him to agree we won't bring it up on any level until we're like 35. There are still times I don't even feel old enough to be living with a boy.

Why it's important to coordinate

2011-11-26T01:34:00.000-05:00

My sisters and I all accidentally color coordinated for Thanksgiving. It was so embarrassing. On the way home I told them, "This can never happen again." It really can't.

Quietly crazy

2011-11-22T00:51:00.000-05:00

We didn't do the NYC Marathon. It's something like 26 miles. I think the most we've ever run is about ten miles. We just never got serious about training for it, and it's definitely not something where you can wing it. So maybe next year.

This girl in school has almost all the same classes as me. We're not friends. I think she's tried to make us friends, but I keep refusing. There's something off about her. Almost every single time we either interact or I see her talking to someone, that little warning bell goes off in my head, warning me to stay away. It's not just the maniacal laugh, or the way she is very obvious about listening any time I'm on the phone with Josh.

Last week she complimented me on the shirt I was wearing. It was a black long-sleeve shirt. Then after that, she told me the top I'd worn the day before was also very flattering. That was also a black shirt. She then listed each top I'd worn all that week. It really freaked me out. It also freaked me out how she clearly wanted me to be impressed.

In bed last night I was telling Josh about her, and he said she sounds perfect for a Lifetime movie where she tries to kill me and then take over my life. She compliments things that aren't worthy of compliments. Like once someone complimented my necklace, and I responded "Thanks, it's my sisters," and she was like "Oh my god, that's so cute!"

I just want to put a lot of space between the two of us, but every time I turn around she's right there. At the same time she's so complimentary, I don't trust that it's pure. If I left a notebook somewhere, it wouldn't surprise me if she threw it out, but then pretended to help me look for it. And maybe I'm like, deciding she's awful when she hasn't thrown out anything, but everything about her screams distrust. I am wary.

Poor Alice is sick

2011-11-20T14:28:00.000-05:00

Friday Al's school called, saying she was sick. When we got home, she had Advil and felt better after a nap. Josh and I left her on the couch with soup, and went to a party Kelly was throwing. Three hours in, I stepped off the pool table I was dancing on to go find a closet that would provide the quiet needed to check on Alex. She was grumpy to be woken up, and I apologized, even though I wasn't sorry at all.

This morning Josh woke up not feeling good. I have a bad feeling about Thanksgiving.

*We used to call Alex Alice because when she was born Dani misunderstood her name, and thought she was Alice. I don't know if she had a speech problem or a hearing problem or what, but we just went with it. Even though nobody ever corrected her, eventually Dani just started using the right name, and we all dropped the Alice for the most part.

Preparing for lift-off

2011-11-16T23:42:00.001-05:00

Last year I was a horrible, pathetic brat when finding out one of my Christmas gifts was new bedding. It was so shocking that what I'd had was gone, it was almost impossible to appreciate what was newly there. This afternoon I was sitting on my bed looking at the blanket and thinking about how I needed to not feel attached, that in a little over a month there will be something else. Different pillows to break in, a new blanket to tuck.

Then Danielle came in. "What are you doing?"
Me: Preemptively mourning the loss of this.
Dani: I am nominating you for lamest person ever. Prepare your acceptance speech, since you'll win.
Me: Thanks.
Dani: That wasn't a compliment. You're not sad about the stupid covers.
Me: Yeah I am.
Dani: No you're not. You're sad because a change is coming and you can't control it. You don't like any change to happen unless it's your decision and you control it.

You know what? I think she might be on to something there. Danielle should become a psychologist.

So I screwed up royally

2011-11-15T00:52:00.000-05:00

Not only did I arrange to meet Becca when I also was supposed to be tutoring, but I managed to accidentally miss showing up for both of them. School just ended and I was tired and thought how nice it'd be to go home and take a nap before dinner. So I went to my two tutor kids and then went home. Only problem? I had three tutor kids today.

Then when I went home and took that precious nap that was so more important than my two dueling commitments, the alarm I set? Blew right through it. As if that wasn't enough, that salmon I put in the oven? Dried it out because I didn't take it out on time. What was I doing? Well based on the burnt brown rice, I wasn't minding the rice.

At this point, I may as well go kill a baby duck, drop out of school, cheat on my boyfriend, and sell a sister into prostitution.

Shopping for parents

2011-11-13T22:38:00.000-05:00

My friend Kelly wanted to go Christmas shopping today, so we met up at noon to hit up stores. Kelly showed up with the hood on her sweatshirt up, sunglasses on, holding a Starbucks. She asked why I looked so awake and perky. I shrugged. Kelly pushed, and asked what I'd gotten done today. Two and a half loads of laundry, two hours of studying, food shopping for the week. She laughed at me, and said she'd rolled out of bed a half hour before we were meeting.

I can't do that. I mean, my alarm doesn't get set for Sundays so sleeping late does happen. It's just not as late as Josh and Kelly will sleep. They aren't working on Saturdays though. Whatever, it works for me. Kelly can make fun of me all day if she wants - I'll have clean clothes and healthy food for the week.

Kelly's system of shopping is funny. She was explaining that she has a credit card with her name on it, but the bill goes to her dad. Plus her credit limit is his limit. "What about his presents? Do you pay for those?" Kelly told me he won't even notice. He just signs the checks.

Immediately upon getting home I went to Josh about this. He swears up and down it's totally normal. Parents pay for their own Christmas presents. While I was staring at Josh in shock, he told me at least some kids get their parents presents. A lot don't even bother.

Are you fucking kidding me? If I ever had a kid that couldn't be bothered to get me holiday presents I would kick their ass. How can you show so little respect to a parent that way?

Maybe I should care more?

2011-11-12T23:31:00.001-05:00

Alex got together with a friend today. They told me they were going to see the Muppet movie and then to go shopping for the friend's boyfriend's birthday. So I gave her money and off she went. Hours later, when Alex came back, Josh's parents were here. I was sitting on my dresser talking to Laurie and Al burst in to say hi. I asked how the movie was, and she got a funny look on her face and told me they wound up seeing the Adam Sandler movie because Muppets aren't out yet.

A few minutes later after Alex went in search of a snack, Laurie said to me, "She knew Muppets weren't out yet." I realized she was right. That look on Alex's face was guilt. I shrugged. Laurie couldn't let it go - it was driving her nuts that this lie or deception or whatever didn't seem like a big deal to me. "She's a teenager who lied about what she was going to do!" Eh. I don't care if she goes to see the other movie. Laurie wanted me to. She wanted me to confront her. Josh finally had to tell her to drop it.

Look, I know she had that stealing moment. But really, it seems like it was more like a one-time thing, rather than going down the road to a life of crime and lying. Later, Josh dug into Al's coat pocket and pulled out a ticket stub; it was for the Adam Sandler movie. So what's the big deal? It must be really stressful to be a parent and have to run around not believing your kids all the time. Or maybe Alex is giving blowjobs to strange men in movie theatres on weekends.

Baby it's cold outside

2011-11-08T00:43:00.000-05:00

Josh requested "something junk-foody" for dinner tonight. So I made grilled cheese with bacon and tomato soup. Alex is the worst liar in the world. She took a clean mug and spoon after dinner, put a serving of soup in, then told us, "I'm just going to have some more soup. In my room. Okay?" and then scurried in and closed her door. Could you be any more obvious?

Despite the fact that it snowed already, it's not technically winter yet. My body doesn't seem to realize that though, and has been freezing for a month now. I've taken to wearing leggings under my jeans. Fingerless gloves in class. Sometimes when I come home, I put a pot of water on the stove and warm my hands above it.

Moving to Arizona is seeming better and better. Except for all that racist shit. It's hot there. They don't do DST. Did I mention it's hot there?

You decide everything

2011-11-06T07:56:00.000-05:00

My sister and I got into a huge fight the other day. She called me a lot of mean names that made me cry later, when she wouldn't know. Dani said I was bossy and controlling. That I make all the decisions, all the time. That I never let anyone have any fun.

What prompted this? I refused to pay for college applications for schools Dani isn't sure she'd want to attend, even if she got in. That is what makes me a bitch. Also, I am always the one deciding what we're having for dinner. Okay, she kind of gets that one. But I only do that because everyone expects me to. If I don't go food shopping, then at least I'm the one making the grocery list. If I don't, then nobody will, and everybody will complain to me there's nothing to eat.

It is bossy of me to demand other people set the table and clean up the kitchen. I should just ask, I was told. And if people say no to my request, then I should suck it up because after all, I'm the one who decided to make the food, not them. FINE. Then you are not welcome to eat anything I cook. In fact, you can't eat anything I buy. Also, you can't use any of the house dishes or pots or pans to cook the food you buy. At that point Josh got involved and claimed I was going overboard, that Dani should be allowed to use dishes and cookware since they don't get used up.

So now she has her own little section in the refrigerator and cupboard, and her own bottle of dishsoap at the sink. Alex feels like she has to pick a side, but I told her she didn't. She asked if I'd be angry if she helped Dani. I think she lent her money for some of her groceries.

One of us will have to die to end this fight. It's not going to be me.

In or on makes an assload of a difference

2011-11-03T01:54:00.000-04:00

Alex's school called the other day. They said a boy (who Alex knows and is friends with) put his finger in her butt.

I said, "IN? Or on?"
They said in.
"Like, under her clothes?"
They said yes.
How are you supposed to respond to that? I mean where do you even start? So I asked to talk with Alex. They said she'd already left for the day. They were aware the boy is a Problem and were going to talk with the teachers and administration about how to keep them separated while they figured out details (there wasn't a teacher in the room when it happened).

Do they call the police? Does the boy get kicked out of school? I know Alex has been friends with him since she started school, and he's known for being kind of weird. Having boundary issues. His parents are super nice.

I didn't want to talk about this with Alex over the phone. I wanted to watch her face. I wanted to look at her eyes. So just called to make sure she was home. Work is so inconvenient sometimes. Of course I am totally grateful to have work, but not being able to go home immediately killed me. So I just told Alex I'd meet her at home.

When I got there Josh got pulled into the bathroom so I could tell him. He told me to ask Alex open-ended questions. To not freak out. (Too late.) So Josh started first by just asking how school was.

Turns out Alex got poked in the butt. Over her clothes. And the teachers freaked out. Alex didn't. She immediately yelled at her friend and moved away. He immediately apologized. I am so exhausted by all the stress of freaking out.

Weird requests

2011-10-27T00:04:00.003-04:00

I can't believe all in one day:

Josh asked if I would dress as something slutty for Halloween
I am considering dressing as something slutty since he's never asked before
I snorted ginger ale up my nose when Arnie asked what I'm going to be for Halloween
My little sisters who are not so little sat around brainstorming slutty costumes for me
Becca called to ask if her boyfriend's friend could stay here tonight because he got stranded in the city and they don't have any extra space. So now we have what amounts to a stranger sleeping over tonight.

Every last one

2011-10-23T23:33:00.000-04:00

At our fire family dinner tonight we were given a bag of clothes. Even though it often isn't stuff we can use, I can never help getting excited that there might be good stuff buried at the bottom. We always are super polite in the moment and send a thank you note even if there's nothing good.

This is cheesy but tonight's was a mixed bag. (Warned you.) The top of the bag was like a dozen old white men's t-shirts. There were holes in the armpits and they were like, discolored. There were also a bunch of men's black dress socks. Then there was stuff that ... I had to ask Josh if it was men's boxers or men's swimsuits. Thank god it was swimsuits. Alex stood fully inside one leg and Dani stood in the other and they hopped up and down the hallway a bunch of times.

At the bottom of the bag there was a really small black t-shirt that had sparkles spelling out GLAMOUR GIRL. Weirdly, the shirt's label said it was a size Large. Alex claimed it immediately. I also found a sweater tunic dress type thing. I'm not clear on exactly what it is. Danielle thinks it's a dress. I think it's a sweater. Josh thinks it's ugly. So I told Danielle she could have it. She tried it on, as a dress. I was laughing too hard so Josh told her he liked her purple underwear. Danielle will be wearing it as a sweater from now on. With leggings.

The grind

2011-10-21T00:09:00.002-04:00

Every day seems the same. Wake up, school, work, home, dinner, study, work out, bed. When I came home today, there were crumbs on the kitchen counter. I was going to wipe down the counter but then just ... fuck it. I swiped the crumbs into the sink with my hand and called it a day.

It was bumming me out, and then I realized this is probably why people go on vacations. To recharge and shit. So I laid down on the living room floor, closed my eyes and tried to remember what the sun in Miami felt like, what the ocean waves sounded like. After five minutes or so I opened my eyes. Danielle and Alex were sitting on the floor staring at me. It was startling to me, to say the least, but they thought it was hilariously funny.

Good. They can consider that bit of fun their vacation.

So many ways to screw up

2011-10-16T20:43:00.000-04:00

A member of Dani's geek squad slept over Saturday night. I am all over fall foods. Soups, pumpkin and apple based foods, all of it. So I made this really hearty dinner before they went to the movies, and Dani's geek was shocked. "My mom just makes kid food. Like pizza or McDonald's or chicken nuggets or mac & cheese. Why do you cook like this? You don't have parents - you could eat good foods every night!"

I just told her we like eating like this. Pizza's great and everything, but if I eat crap too much it starts feeling like scurvy will come kill us. The geek shook her head. "But aren't you scared to cook? There are so many ways to do it wrong and screw up." Isn't that how you learn? By figuring out what went wrong and trying again differently next time? Sure if you screwed up so badly the food was inedible and it had to be thrown out that would be awful. But you just look up a few ways to make something and cobble the recipes together and it always comes out great, if not at least decently.

When Dani and her geek came back from the movies, Dani asked me if they could make pumpkin bread. Josh and I were playing cards while watching tv, and listened to the geek asking Danielle at every step in the recipe if it was right, if she was sure of what she was doing. After a while Josh kicked me, because we could hear Danielle getting annoyed. It's not rocket science to bake bread. Of course it came out good. This morning, I cut the leftover bread in half, and sent the geek home with some. She was outrageously excited to take home something she'd made and show it off.

How are all rich people not fat?

2011-10-11T00:38:00.001-04:00

Since moving out of Aunt Elaine's I gained weight. So did Danielle. So did Alex. We're not fat or anything. We're just ... we don't look unhealthy anymore. I know I'm not supposed to want to gain weight, but it was about 12 pounds - give or take a pound - and it didn't take a rocket scientist to know I needed it. All three of us needed it.

We've talked about it a few times - how our clothes fit differently, how we feel differently, how it's a little scary to see the scale creeping up. Overall though, it's basically okay. It goes against everything that's marketed to us, but we didn't fit their demographic anyway (I am taking marketing, can you tell?) to begin with.

So it was a little weird that Alex came home from school and told me one of her dance teachers commented on it. My rage immediately ramped from zero to ten. Josh actually put his hand on my knee and pushed down.

I don't know what to do with this. Later when I was calm enough to ask questions Alex told me it wasn't that she was called fat, just that it was noticed over the last year, she's gained weight. I don't know. I'm so angry. What was the point of saying that to her? Is the school implying she's too fat to dance? Are they saying she needs to lose weight? I just don't understand where she's supposed to go with that kind of comment.

Planning

2011-10-10T00:23:00.001-04:00

So thanks to this site, I am now sort of getting all the Wall Street protesting. I don't really get what Wall Street does, or why it's responsible for all the horribleness everyone is going through rather than the government, but it's better than nothing.

While my sisters and I were reading this week's latest entries Danielle asked if I thought it'd have been smarter to just learn a trade and work full time doing that. I haven't had to take out loans yet. That, combined with working around 30 hours a week makes me think I'm doing okay, but maybe it just hasn't hit yet. Or maybe I'm missing something.

Josh suggested to Danielle that she should do that instead of going to college. She got all huffy and told him that of the three of us, of course she should go. He got all huffy right back and asked what made her so special. Danielle explained, like he's an idiot, that everyone knows I'm the street smart one, she's the book smart one, and Alex is the people smart one. Later, privately, Josh told me he disagrees with those categorizations and was surprised that Alex and I didn't. He made me promise I wasn't going to let Danielle talk me into quitting school. Spent the rest of the day ignoring her, telling me it was so he wouldn't say something he regretted.

It seems like the trifecta is to avoid student loans, getting sick without health insurance, and not having a job. Life is really scary.

Not really understanding

2011-10-04T00:21:00.000-04:00

Alex: why are all these people getting arrested?
Me: because they're protesting
Alex: is that illegal?
Me: no
Alex: so why are they getting arrested?
Me: I think you have to ask the city for a permit if so many people want to get together or something
Alex: and they didn't ask for one?
Me: guess not
Alex: what are they protesting?
Me: corporate greed
Alex: what does that mean?
Me: it has something to do with Wall Street
Alex: is Wall Street the good guy or the bad guy?
Me: in the eyes of the protesters, the bad guys
Alex: why?
Me: because they have a lot of money I think.
Alex: are all the protesters just jealous?
Me: I think they're angry, not jealous.
Alex: so a little jealous?
Me: maybe. but I think when you're a grownup and protesting you don't bother just for jealous reasons
Alex: so basically you have no idea?
Me: pretty much.

No mas

2011-10-02T08:23:00.000-04:00

My sister got laryngitis from someone at school. Within three days all three of us had it. We all must have the exact same level of immunity since Josh didn't get it. You could tell he tried not to enjoy it too much directly to our faces, but living with three girls must be a hell of a lot easier when those three girls can't talk.

Josh spent a lot of time calling his mother, and running to the store, but finally cooked his very first pot of chicken soup. He's very proud. He should be; it's very good. Alex was given a book of sign language years ago, so the three of us taught ourselves the ASL alphabet and we've been signing to each other for the last few days. It's much easier to sign to someone else than to read it when someone's signing at you.

Apparently when you can't talk, you can't blog either.

No, shorter

2011-09-27T23:52:00.005-04:00

Over the weekend Danielle asked me to cut her hair. Usually when we cut our hair we just trim the ends. All three of us have always had really long hair, so no more than an inch gets taken off. Sunday morning, Dani knelt on newspapers spread out on the kitchen floor, and I did the ends. "No, shorter," she told me. So I cut off maybe another half inch. Dani looked at the hair on the floor, then reached around to touch her back, seeing where her hair ended. "No, shorter. I want it to stop like here," she instructed, putting her hand in the middle of her shoulder blade.

"No, that's way shorter than you realize," I told her. Danielle argued. "No, I want it shorter. I want like real short hair. Like people with short hair have." We laughed at her lame description. I did another round of cutting, this time bringing it to the bottom of her shoulder blades. Danielle got up to go look in the mirror. "No, shorter. And then can you put in layers? Like, all the way up to my chin?" I thought about it for a minute. "I think that'd give you a mullet."

Danielle was not pleased. But I'm sorry, I'm not a hair stylist. She asked me to cut more, enough so when she went to school people would be sure she cut her hair. Josh leaned against the wall and tried to give advice. "The key is to go above the shoulders. Everyone will notice that." Um, thanks. What does Josh know about girl hair? In our entire lives we've never had hair that short.

Sometimes Josh can say things with so much confidence and authority that we forget he might not know what he's talking about. Danielle told me to cut a little more. Like two inches. So I cut more, then cut fringe across the entire bottom. Then decided that didn't come out like I meant it to, so cut that off and made the whole thing even straight across. Dani whined about it taking too long. I got nervous it was too short. Josh got bored and left before I finished.

At the end Danielle thanked me, saying it was okay. I think she wanted it to look more dramatic and was upset. Until we went to our fire family dinner and the first thing the wife said was, "Oh! You cut your hair - it looks great!" Later when we got home, I asked Dani if she wanted me to make it even shorter before she went to school. "No."

Making shit

2011-09-23T01:02:00.003-04:00

I found out a secret about Jackie. She owns a bedazzler. She can sew. I am so excited. Her style of sewing is very different from mine. My idea of sewing is to create or let out a hem, making a throw pillow, sew on a lost button, stuff like that. It was a big deal the time I created a pleat down the back of a blouse.

Jackie's the type to buy zebra print fabric and then sew it into the inside of her jacket as a lining. And then bedazzle it to death. She's never sewn a button. We've decided to team up and get a little sweatshop going. Jackie's got a sewing machine at her mother's house that she never uses. She's going to bring it over, I'm going to fire it up, and we're going to start making shit. This is going to be awesome.

I wonder if I can take an old flat sheet and sew it into a really basic summer dress. Like really simple A-line - nothing fancy. Josh overheard us talking and later asked if I can sew him something. Unclear. I may have to work up to that.

Just so we're clear

2011-09-22T01:43:00.000-04:00

"If you get a dog after I go to college, I'll have to murder you to little pieces." - Alex

New creates old

2011-09-20T00:42:00.000-04:00

The biggest Jewish holiday is coming up and Josh mentioned in passing that I needed to get two new nice outfits. Can't I just wear one of the work outfits I wore all summer? They're conservative enough. I think they're nice enough. Well, maybe not all of them, but at least two of them are. I mean, Arnie's Jewish - wouldn't he have said something over the summer if I had been wearing something inappropriate to work?

The first time, I didn't say anything. When Josh brought it up again, I asked. He frowned and then looked lost trying to explain. Finally he told me that just like you should get new bedding once a year, you should get new clothes for the jewish new year. Maybe I could just wear something of my sister's?

Josh didn't like that. "Just get something new! From a store! With tags!" He pointed out that if people didn't buy new, there would never be an opportunity for new to become old. That I should be happy to buy new because then there'll be more old for the people who come after me.

In moments like this it's easy to forget how much Josh conforms for me, for my family. All I can think about is that once again, I will do things his fancy way even if it makes me uncomfortable. It is probably very immature but I hope he gets uncomfortable while my sisters and I say something girlie, to get back at him.

Slumming it

2011-09-19T00:08:00.003-04:00

Sometimes Josh gets in a mood where he wants to understand what it's like to be poor. I don't think he really gets that it's different for everyone. One family's priorities are not another family's. I try to explain it anyway feeling it's somehow important, although I don't exactly know why. Sometimes Josh jokes about it, and I'm not sure if he genuinely thinks it's funny that we walked around wearing sneakers that had holes in them or he's doing that whole "laughing because I'm nervous" thing.

This weekend when we were food shopping, Josh asked me to make a "poor people meal." I didn't even get into how insulting it is to say that, because sometimes you have to pick your battles. Really, the least expensive meal that's still healthy is rice and beans. You can only eat that so many days in a row until you opt to just skip dinner rather than eat it one more time. That's where "chicken-n-shit" comes in. I'd get two chicken breasts, chop them up, toss them in a frying pan with whatever vegetables were still left in the fridge, cook up some rice or something, and call it a day.

Josh nodded. "Make it?" I knew there was no rice at home, so I grabbed a box of Rice-a-Roni since it was on sale. Looking through the fridge I found green pepper, tomato and broccolini. Josh sat on the counter watching me cook the whole time. Dani came in to see what was going on. She took one look at the stove and turned to Josh. "Are we breaking up?" He had to reassure her we're not, and got all awkward trying to explain why he'd want to slum it when we don't have to. "You could have at least used brown rice," were Danielle's parting words.

I handed Josh a bowl of food. He ate the whole thing, saying it was good. Sure it's good - when it's all a big joke with your girlfriend. Not so good when there aren't lots of options and each day when you come home you're not sure what food will still be there. Josh can go enjoy the high sodium rice on his own.

Good friends screw each other over

2011-09-12T23:43:00.000-04:00

I had to create a little spreadsheet of who gets charged how much for tutoring. I have this fear that someone will stand at the door with their checkbook asking how much they owe me, and my mind will go blank and they will underpay me and then I will be too embarrassed to say anything.

So I update the spreadsheet each time someone pays me, and each time someone agrees on the rate they'll pay me, and each time I tutor. The part that seems weird is that people will refer me to their friends, and they are fine with telling their friends I charge more than they get charged. They see nothing wrong with this. Obviously I'm not going to argue - if they're fine with it, I'll be fine with taking their money. But it sure doesn't seem very friendshippy.

The other, real Little Italy

2011-09-10T23:56:00.001-04:00

This morning I got stuck behind tourists who were arguing about where Little Italy is. They were wrong and right all at the same time. They were right, both sides, because yes, it's both Mott Street and Mulberry Street. They were wrong because there's sort of a better Little Italy. Not the tourist one everyone knows near Chinatown. The real one. In the Bronx. I happened to live in a shitty section of the Bronx, but not all of it is shitty. There are a bunch of really beautiful parts, with fancy homes and safe neighborhoods and stuff.

Anyway, the Italian section of the Bronx is the Little Italy I like - it's like Little Italy without tourists. On Arthur Avenue in Belmont you can get all the real Italian foods, without all the crazy tourists. You know what I just realized? There is not enough of a break between when the summer tourists leave and the holiday tourists start flooding in. Watching them crank out the pasta this morning makes me want to make it myself at home, laying the sheets across the backs of chairs like my grandmother did.

Danielle was telling me about how much Italians make fun of American tourists. They think all Americans are like that. I'm amused by the idea that you could be normal, living in Kansas or wherever, but then when you decide to travel you pull on your capri khakis with big white sneakers, click your fag bag around your waist and begin talking loudly while waving around your camera/map/bag of overpriced shit with an apple logo. Dani said she laughed the hardest watching Italians do their imitations of American tourists.

Maybe there's a younger brother

2011-09-07T01:09:00.000-04:00

Ever since Dani got back from Italy she's spent a lot of time shut off in the third bedroom with the door closed. I think she's Skyping or something. With a boy. Who she likes. Because why else would she refuse to tell me? Why else would she want privacy?

It all kind of came to a head tonight, when Alex tried to insist she needed to get in there to do her homework. Which of course was bullshit, because why, if Danielle isn't in their room does Al need to leave their room to work in a different room? She doesn't.

So Alex, the most innocent of the three of us, broke in to the room. I didn't even know she knew how to do that. The second she busted through, Danielle slammed her computer shut and rushed to the door screaming and trying to body slam Alex the hell out.

The screaming continued for a long time. Josh looked at me like he wasn't sure if he was supposed to go shut it down. He wasn't. They are totally big enough to fight it to the death, and let the strongest girl come out alive.

Danielle always wants to go off and do her own thing. Right now her thing seems to be getting away as soon as possible, as far away as possible.

Start

2011-09-06T01:52:00.000-04:00

I love everything the first day of school represents. First day outfits. New shoes. Extra special hair. Fancy first day breakfast. New classrooms. New people to make friends with. Mad dashes through Duane Reade for school supplies. Stocking up on paper bags to cover school books.

College starts before regular school. I don't get excited about it though until Labor Day. Before I go to bed tonight I will prep the creme brulee french toast for tomorrow morning. Outfits are picked out, even mine, even though tomorrow's not my first day. Lunches are made. A bag full of paper bags are stacked under the dining room table. You can buy book covers, but it's free to use paper bags, plus then you can decorate them your own way.

I love the dinner eaten after school is over. When you see what kind of homework is given, who's in which classes, which classes will be hardest to get to on time, what everyone was wearing, who bought their school supplies before school started. Can't. Wait.

Those people

2011-08-23T00:44:00.000-04:00

You must know nothing good is coming when someone uses the phrase "those people" towards the start of their tirade. When you use the word retard, someone politely and earnestly asks you to stop. When you refer to black people as "those people" the conversation that follows will rarely be polite.

Even though I'm not black, when two women were standing in the reception area at work and "those people" floated past me, a slow boil of rage started. They were talking about living in a specific building and how some black people lives there and it was okay, but the neighborhood was changing and "those people" brought problems. It devolved into people who are new money, which turned into poor people. "Those people just don't know how to comport themselves." I looked down at the desk so I wouldn't glare at them as they went on and on. Finally I picked up my phone and asked Arnie if he had a minute.

Someone came out to cover the phones while I went to his office. I started telling Arnie what the women were saying, and he interrupted me. "Hold on a second," and closed his door. I hadn't realized how loud I'd been. Starting again, I told him what they were saying and how angry it was making me.

Arnie sat and watched me. He didn't interrupt. When I saw him glance at the time I tried to wrap it up. He took a deep breath. "Do it," he told me. So I took a deep breath too. Then Arnie said, "You know, teenage girls can be real bitches." That slow boil of rage got faster. "If they don't change, they just turn into really bitchy women," Arnie finished.

He told me they were absolutely wrong, I was absolutely right to be upset. But then Arnie was like an ideal solution in this situation is to go tell them he doesn't want their business. In this economy though, nobody turns down business. My heart kind of sank. Arnie stood up, saying we don't always get to choose our clients. For a couple of seconds, I didn't realize Arnie was dismissing me, and I was supposed to stand up and walk out.

Finally I did, and it was embarrassing. So I kind of mumbled thank you and went back to my desk. One of the women had left, so the other one was just playing with her iPhone quietly. When her head was totally down reading her screen, I glared at her. Because I'm mature like that.

Back to four

2011-08-21T23:18:00.000-04:00

Josh came back from vacation on Friday. My sisters and I were so excited, we all wanted his attention. It was so chaotic, with him trying to unpack while grumpy from jet lag and the three of us talking a mile a minute. I was trying to be patient in waiting for time alone but was getting frustrated every time one of my sisters started another story to catch him up on with, "Oh, and you know what?"

I tried to do that telepathic message thing to Josh, but it didn't seem to take. As Dani and Alex kept talking, he kept unpacking. Their voices kept going as I put a clean towel in the bathroom for Josh to use after his shower. Finally he was all unpacked. I wanted my sisters to leave. As Josh still listened, he took off his shirt and threw it in the dirty laundry pile. Alex continued talking and Josh slid off his shorts to throw them on the pile too. Still, the two of them kept going, even with him standing in the doorway in Calvins.

Danielle finally wandered out. Alex was still going a mile a minute, peppering Josh with questions. He winked at me, and hooked his thumbs under his waistband. Alex shrieked. "What are you doing?!" Josh nudged her off the dresser and herded her to the door. "Trying to give you a hint. Go to sleep; you can talk at me more in the morning."

He closed the doors on her heels and smiled at me. I am so happy now.

I'm so depressed

2011-08-18T23:29:00.000-04:00

This is what Alex told me. When I asked why, she said it's the thought of heading into apple season. "But you love apples!" Alex agreed. It's just the thought of them for so many months. So I guess maybe we'll buy apples only when everything else good is completely over. Or we'll ignore her because apples are fucking awesome and if this is what depresses her then I don't have it in me to feel sorry for her. I want to make apple butter. Which reminds me, I also want to make honey butter. While I'm making butters, I also want to make that fancy butter where you can taste the salt in it that they have in some fancy restaurants. Clearly there's going to be a lot of bread-making going on in the future.

Never occurred to me before

2011-08-16T00:46:00.000-04:00

This neighbor in the building came calling around 8pm. She told us she was having a babysitter crisis because her main babysitter was sick but she had tickets to a thing. Her backup babysitter wasn't available but was sending her friend who's a boy, so she wanted to know if one of us could come over and put her daughter to bed, because she'd never been put to bed by a boy before.

The whole thing seemed weird to me, but the lady said she'd give $30, so I sent both my sisters together. They were back 25 minutes later. They read two books, talked about camp, and left her sleeping with her cat, with the boy babysitter sitting in the living room watching tv.

It seems weird that a kid would have never been put to bed by a boy. Even I got put to bed by a boy sometimes and I don't even have a father! And like, if you trust a boy enough to babysit why don't you trust him enough to put her to bed? I asked Danielle if she thought it was safe, and she said she guessed so. The whole thing made me a little sad for some reason.

Break

2011-08-14T23:11:00.012-04:00

It turns out summer school is kind of awesome. The teachers (at least mine) are super nice and like impressed with you for taking summer classes, so they will bend over backwards to pack in all the material. The thing I hadn't realized was that there would be kids from other schools at summer school. They transfer their credits to their school. It totally hadn't occurred to me that people might do this. It's practically over, but I'm definitely going to take classes next summer.

I get like a week off between when summer school ends and the fall semester starts, but then right after school starts there's time off for Labor Day. I don't really want to do anything with that week off, even though it feels like I should. Alex has this summer reading list she has to do, but she finished it before the end of July so now she's decided to re-read her books just in case. Except now everyone else has started reading them and she's having a hard time finding them. She keeps bitching about how ridiculous it is that she has to go to different libraries to get them.

How we should be

2011-08-12T00:39:00.000-04:00

All I want to do is follow my sister around like a puppy dog all the time now that she's home, but surprisingly she's not into it. Danielle said it was too overwhelming to be outside hearing so much English and borrowed Josh's old iPod to block out the noise. She also keeps switching languages a lot, and sometimes stops talking completely to sort out which language has the best word to express what she's trying to say. You can almost see the wheels in her head spinning. Everything must be much slower in Italy because Danielle told us a few times we were rushing too much. I don't get her; there's a lot to get done, so you rush to get it done. Makes sense to me. All three of us squished into bed together last night and are doing it again tonight. Last night, when we turned out the light Alex clapped her hands and happily said, "This is how we should be." Then like three hours later Danielle got up, because the time change going backwards is really hard I guess.

Very busy doing very important things

2011-08-07T23:56:00.003-04:00

Josh has a Netflix account. I am not sure he knows but there is this whole uproar about how they're raising their rates. I am worried when he comes back and finds out, Josh will cancel Netflix like a lot of people are doing, so in all our free time Alex and I have been watching movies like it's a job. We have gotten through like half the queue in the last week.

We have watched a lot of Pink performances. I am always kind of embarrassed to be really into someone so blatantly trendy but she sort of hates the mainstream too even though she's in it, so I give up. I like Pink. I like the Dear Mr. President song best, and Sober second best. Alex isn't shy about her Pink love at all, and has made up dances to all her songs.

Abortions as birth control

2011-08-03T01:51:00.000-04:00

To the person who raised an issue with the word retarded. I fucking love that word the way I use it. It sums up exactly what I mean. However, I get your point and I'd feel terrible if I made a real retarded person cry for using it in an insulting way. So I'll try to come up with something that gets my point across just as well that's a little more PC.

Pro-choice does mean pro-choice, and not just abortion-only. Alex has heard me talk enough about how much we can't deal with having a baby. I think she just thinks of Jackie as the equivalent of me and that's why her default was abortion. If Alex ever gets pregnant she can consider continuing the pregnancy when she can afford to support a child, physically and financially.

Jackie is a little crazy, creative as hell and impulsive and I could see her being a really fun person to have as a mother. Except, you know - she's like 20. So she could be a fun mom in about ten years. I don't know her boyfriend too well - we've met maybe twice for two minutes. So I mean, it's impossible to know if he's super committed long-term or he was just trying to say whatever would make Jackie stop crying in that moment.

I didn't ask and Jackie didn't say how she wound up pregnant, or what kind of birth control she uses. If she used none then odds are she'd have been pregnant a lot more than just this one time. So contemplating abortion now is not considering using it as a method of birth control. Obviously it's her decision and not mine. I'll be her friend no matter what she chooses. It's okay if she chooses to deal with it in a different way than I would.

The real truth

2011-08-02T00:39:00.001-04:00

Jackie is pregnant. She slept over, spent all this time here, and then didn't tell me until she'd left. So I gave her a hug and asked if she'd like some pickles or ice cream. What I wanted to say was that I was so sorry, but felt like that could be taken the wrong way somehow. Instead I told her to come over for dinner.

Me and my big mouth are so retarded - I told Alex when she picked me up at work, and didn't even realize until the words were out of my mouth that maybe I shouldn't have. Alex has never even considered being quiet in life - she truly thinks everyone is happy to hear everything she's got to say.

That's probably why she told Jackie it was good she's pregnant now, since she can get her abortion and recover in plenty of time for school to start up again. Jackie nodded, and gave me A Look. I told Alex to go away. She asked why, so I gave her A Look.

Jackie told me the boy wants to keep the baby, as a symbol of their love. "When the baby wakes up screaming at 3am the night before you have a final in your hardest class, because its shit itself so hard that all the poop has shot out of the diaper and has gotten everywhere will he consider that a symbol of your love too?"

I am a mean, mean girl for making my pregnant friend cry. I got her some chocolate pudding and tissues.

Lazy Sundays

2011-07-31T22:51:00.001-04:00

Today was a day of nothingness. Jackie slept over and we stayed up talking forever. Slept late, watched a lot of tv, ate a lot of food. The washing machine is broken, so after Jackie left my sister and I hauled our laundry to a public laundromat. There was another girl there around my age, reading an iPad.

Her clothes were done before ours, and she dumped them from a dryer into a paper bag. Those two didn't seem to match. I think of people who have an iPad as being rich. Rich enough to not haul their clothes around in a paper bag, and rich enough to not need a laundromat.

At least I still have a spare

2011-07-29T00:38:00.003-04:00

Danielle has lost her passport, so I guess she's stuck in Italy forever. I told her to call her program and ask what they do in this situation, but clearly Alex is now getting promoted to head sister.

Perfect example

2011-07-27T00:27:00.005-04:00

On the last post, someone asked and then deleted their question, "Where'd you get the bell?"

It's such a roll-your-eyes answer that you should know. Josh brought the bell. It's a little bell, about three times the size of the thimble in the Monopoly game. Everyone in Josh's family had one and when they got sick, they'd ring the bell when they were in bed if they needed anything. Then the housekeeper would come to see what they needed and bring it to them. Because they are too precious, and their mansion too big, to roll out of bed and shuffle into the kitchen.

Josh brought it over recently, and we teased him mercilessly about this. Danielle would be watching tv and ring the bell; Josh would go in and she'd nod at the remote and ask him to hand it to her when it was two inches from her hand. Once, when Josh and I were making out I managed to grab the bell. I rang it and then told Josh I wanted sex. There are so many ways to exploit the bell. The fun never stops.

Maybe I will ring my bell

2011-07-26T01:22:00.001-04:00

This morning Josh called from Europe. It was so good to talk with him, I wasn't even upset he'd woken me up. He asked jokingly if Alex was taking good care of me. We only got to talk for a half hour because I had to get ready for work. All day what Josh had asked kept rolling around my head.

Towards the end of the day when Alex met me at work, she asked what I was making for dinner. Then, "You know what would be really fun? If you made a super fancy dinner just for us. For like no reason."

I snapped. When has she EVER made dinner for me, just because, without me telling her to do it? Never mind a fancy dinner! I spent all day working, you spent all day playing. You come to visit me because you don't want to be home alone, instead of maybe going home and starting dinner, or a load of laundry or something that'd be helpful?

We went all the way home in silence. I got undressed and went into the shower. While I was standing under the water Al came in and asked she could use any food. Yes. After my shower I wandered into the kitchen, and Alex immediately spun me around and kicked me out.

She's not that good at cooking without help. I was nervous (and hungry). Alex turned on the tv, telling me to watch and relax. After a while I couldn't stand it anymore. If she fucked up food so badly it needed to be thrown out I was going to be so pissed. "Can I set the table, at least?" She dumped all the stuff in my hands. I set the table and went back to watching tv. You could hear her fumbling around, running back and forth from the kitchen to the table.

Finally Alex deemed dinner ready. Turned out she'd taken the flowers Josh had left for me in our room, and put them on the table, with candles. For dinner Al made bacon-wrapped scallops, steamed asparagus, and sweet potatoes. Dessert was chocolate pudding and strawberries. Next to my plate, Alex had put a a bell down, and as we sat she told me to ring it if I needed anything. Even though it was just the two of us, and we were sitting right next to each other. She redeems herself by being funny.

I rang the bell only once.

So much to say, I don't know where to start

2011-07-25T00:51:00.000-04:00

Edith is our new best friend. Alex and I decided to do some canning so this morning we ran out to buy organic fruit and the jars in bulk. I vaguely remembered my nana canning when I was little, so we went knocking on Edith's door to ask if she knows how. I know we could have looked online to find out, but it was more fun this way. Edith insisted we also make jam.

So now we have canned peaches, apricots, cherries, blueberries, and raspberries. Peach jam. Blueberry jam. Cherry jam (I am thinking of using a jar to bake some shit). Strawberry jam. I think they have to cool until tomorrow. We'd wanted to bring some to our fire family dinner, but I wasn't sure if it was rude to bring something not fully finished yet. Tomorrow we'll drop off some for Edith - right now it's all over the dining room table.

It was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fruit. By the time we got home from dinner, Alex was like, "I wish Dani would come home now ... to clean the kitchen for us."

I'd feel okay about getting married now

2011-07-24T06:38:00.000-04:00

that everyone else (in NY, at least) can too. Hard to understand why it took this long, but I felt that way when I learned about slavery being abolished too.

We could have no air-conditioning

2011-07-23T06:27:00.003-04:00

There's this huge heatwave going on, and it's total insanity. The heat index is routinely over 100 the last couple of weeks. It's exciting if it dips below 90 at night. Apparently it's much worse in other parts of the country. Yesterday a woman came to work and was telling me she's from D.C. and the heat index was 134. It's impressive she was even able to leave the coolness and safety of air-conditioning to get on a plane to fly to New York. Everyone always thinks of South Florida as being so hot, but it's actually cooler there than it is here.

Yesterday when I got home from work there was an old lady in the lobby. She looked familiar but I couldn't place her. As I got our package (Josh sent away for special jelly beans, because he does things like liking things you can only find on special websites), the lady wavered. Like a drunk. Oh, or like a person about to faint dead away from say, a horrific heatwave.

Me: Are you okay?
Old lady: Yes dear, thank you.
Me: You sure?
Old Lady: Just a touch warm. My air-conditioner broke and it's cooler here.
Me: Yeah, well, heat rises and all that.
Old Lady: Yes.
Me: So is somebody coming to fix it?
Old Lady: Yes, tomorrow morning.
Me: Oh, okay. Bye.

Then I left because those jelly beans were fucking heavy. When I got upstairs the cold air felt so outrageously good. It made me feel bad for the lady, so I sent Alex down with cold water for her while I showered. When I came out of the bathroom, Alex and the lady were sitting on the couch talking. "This is Edith." And that's the story of how we wound up having a sleepover with an old lady stranger who it turns out is a neighbor. She taught us to play a card game called Hearts. We taught her how to click on links her grandkids send her via e-mail. Alex likes her. "She is SO CUTE! Can we adopt her?"

Skipping a generation

2011-07-20T00:24:00.000-04:00

If generations are three years each. Alex wanted to go through all my clothes and try on everything she liked. She almost never gets anything new (unless Josh's mom gets involved) and most things arrive having been worn by me and Dani.

So we spent all night with my clothes spread all over the living room while Alex tried on everything to her heart's content. I am 5'8". Alex used to be short and then all of a sudden she started creeping up and now she's 5'6". It is really weird to see her wearing my stuff. My high school graduation dress is Al's favorite. It's white with huge yellow and black flowers. I loved it, but then the white faded and I couldn't brighten it and started to hate it and feel embarrassed every time I wore it.

But Alex thinks it's great, and begged me to hem it for her to wear. So I had her get me a pencil to mark the hem and she wanted it really short. Like mid-thigh short. That little shit is going to be a lawyer when she grows up - a dancing fucking lawyer. She can talk anyone into anything. Alex claimed she wanted to wear it with leggings underneath for now, then when she's taller wear it as a dress like I did, and then when she's "old and fat" wear it as a shirt with jeans. It all sounded reasonable, so I'm going to start hemming tomorrow. Hopefully Danielle didn't have grand plans for this dress.

They hired an intern

2011-07-19T00:22:00.001-04:00

She's here for the summer. On her very first day she marched over and tried to interrogate me, asking what my parents do, where I live, where I go to college, how much they're paying me, everything. When I asked why she was asking, she tried to laugh it off and say she was just curious, but it wasn't cool.

She's the type of girl who looks you up and down every day. It makes my heart sink a little. Today she called and asked to talk with Arnie. Later he came over and asked if I could work on a project she was supposed to have completed last week. It hadn't been started. After Arnie gave me instructions he stood there looking at me.

I wasn't sure what was going on. "Um, may I help you?" Arnie gave me a little smile and shook his head. "Every summer we hire an intern. Always a girl from a good background, excellent college, perfect resume. You were the first big risk I've taken. You're the first one who's always dependable. You know any more like you?"

I gave him a big grin. "I've got two little sisters. You've met them." Arnie nodded. Told me if they need jobs to let him know. Golden.

Sundays with Alex

2011-07-17T23:46:00.000-04:00

(That was supposed to come across like Tuesdays with Morrie.) Alex said she wanted to do something we hadn't done in a long time. We kind of do the same things ALL the time, so I wasn't sure what she was going to come up with. Turned out, neither did she because that's as far as her thought process went.

Yesterday morning Al woke me up claiming she finally had a plan. Firstly, she wanted to eat all our meals out. I stopped her there. We had time to spend together just the two of us. We didn't have time to spend together the two of us plus a thousand dollars. She amended it to going out to a fancy dinner. Fine. We agreed to split the day over Saturday and Sunday because I had to work Saturday morning and we had fire family dinner tonight.

So that meant that after work I raced home, changed and we went swimming at the beach. I don't know why we don't do this more often, it was outrageously fun. We stayed until the sun went down and we were almost cold. Then we hauled ass back into the city, and went to Bareburger for dinner. We got one root beer and one milkshake and split both with our food. It was fun - Alex has turned into a whole little person.

This morning we made fruit salad and french toast, then went over to Chelsea Piers. Alex wanted to go bowling. Before today I couldn't even remember the last time I went bowling. To be honest, we kind of sucked. Well, I'm not really positive we sucked. But I'm pretty sure your bowling ball is not supposed to go into the lane next to you.

Then we went ice skating - it was like the first time I ever did that when it was hot out. Skating burns a lot of calories so when Al and I got off the ice we were starving and got pizza before going to dinner. We ate two dinners. It was a really expensive, but really fun weekend.

Next weekend is either going to be a free weekend or Alex is paying.

My mom would be so proud

2011-07-15T00:44:00.000-04:00

When I picked up the phone early this morning, Danielle yelled in Italian, "Wake up my little flower apple!" Or maybe she said something else. Between her Italian not being so great, and my memory of Italian being a little spotty, she didn't always use the right words and I didn't always recognize the words she did use. I'm better with phrases, like if you prompt me with How are you, I will automatically say good thank you, and you? But I am not good at talking specifics instead of formalities. Why the hell did we stop practicing Italian?

Now I am trying to remember when I heard my mother speaking it, and all I can hear is her yelling, "No, no, no!" and hitting our hands with a spoon as we'd try to take food, and her kissing me good night and buona notte, mia bella-ing me.

Josh kept whispering, "Why don't you just switch to English?" but I ignored him. Half the fun was trying to talk in Italian. So here is what may or may not be going on in Italy. I'm not exactly sure.

The dad-guy smokes but goes outside.
They have a ... cat. Or maybe more than one. Micia?
She is disappointed in/not impressed with the food they cook.
Boys/men are flirty there.
She is wearing sky protection, which I will take to mean sunscreen.

There was something else about the flirting that she couldn't quite say and I couldn't quite get, but Josh seemed to know exactly what Dani was trying to say, and claimed it's a European thing. So now my boyfriend and little sister have European secrets I guess. My mom would be really happy to hear us speaking her language again, even if we butchered it, because we tried and at least we got our accents right.

The hotel needs better security

2011-07-13T23:46:00.002-04:00

Alex showed up to meet me wearing a dress. She looked pretty, and I gave her my makeup bag to pretty it up even more. After work, we both wanted to do something but couldn't think of anything. It's been really hot here and we decided to stop in a hotel lobby to get out of the heat while we came up with something.

There was something going on at the hotel, and we finally figured out it was some kind of wedding party. Not a full-on wedding, but more like an engagement party or something. There were like two hundred people there just for that. We were hot, we were thirsty. We were both wearing dresses. So we crashed it. They had an open bar. Alex had her first screwdriver. I danced with an old man who was senile. Then Al danced with him and he told her she gets younger every year. We toasted the happy couple, who, it turned out, are from Kansas.

It was tons of fun. We left in the best mood ever, after it had cooled off a tiny bit. I don't think we'll make a habit of it, but I'm glad we did it.

Callllllll me!

2011-07-13T00:34:00.000-04:00

Danielle does not seem to be picking up my telepathic messages that have been sent non-stop since she was to land. I got one short email saying she got to the family's house she's staying with, their home smells good, and it's very intense. What does that meeeeeeean? Intense good or intense bad?

I have not been able to sleep because by the time I'm going to bed, Dani should be getting up and she might call. What if she is dead in an Italian ditch somewhere? What if she has gone missing and nobody told me so I can't call the American Embassy and then when I finally do call they say it's too late? Will Elliot and Olivia go overseas? What if they took away her passport and brought her to their country house to be a new indentured servant?

Starting to understand why people keep xanax around.

All the small things

2011-07-12T00:38:00.000-04:00

This morning I was one minute late to work because I cut it too close and then lost time saying good morning to the door man. I wish he were less chatty. I also wish he commented less on my body.

I can't stop looking at the clock to figure out what time it is in Italy to try to guess what my sister's doing.

Alex is the only kid I know who doesn't want to be home alone. Everyone else wants to be home alone and do all sorts of things they can't do with other people around. Not her. She hates being home alone so much that she comes home from camp and immediately comes to visit me at work. It's nice that she's old enough to actually help and young enough that nobody thinks she's a friend visiting at work.

I got a milkshake on the way home tonight. I couldn't finish it and normally would give the rest to Dani. It's not a hole in your heart; it's someone shoving a spiked pole through your heart repeatedly. I keep reminding myself she's coming back. She's gone on trips before but somehow leaving the country feels so huge and final.

Josh asked me to figure out how old I'll be when going on vacation out of the country with him. I'm thinking like 40?

Come back!

2011-07-10T05:02:00.001-04:00

Friday night after work I did laundry with Danielle. Yesterday after work we packed all her summer stuff. I bought her a new thing of sunscreen to take, since normally we all share the same one and the morning after pill. I got four international calling cards, and made a copy of Dani's passport for me to keep, and a copy of her birth certificate for her to keep. Alex and I decided to give Dani $50 in case she wants to buy stuff in Italy, but after she left, Alex told me Josh gave her $200.

The program sent a list of all these things students should pack, but that list involved buying tons of stuff. Why would she need more than one sweater or one pair of jeans or one skirt? It was like the point was, bring everything you may possibly want, instead of bring only what you'll really need. Dani took out a Frommer's guide from the library and read all about the different parts of Italy that she'll visit, and how to avoid being an obnoxious American. I also made her watch that movie with Claire Danes where she and her friend wind up in a foreign prison because of drug smuggling. So hopefully Dani won't let her bags out of her site at all.

Every time you're not there

2011-07-08T00:55:00.000-04:00

I want to talk to my mother about Josh. We were talking about when we're grownups and getting married and I feel like there's no way of getting married without her. To tell me he's a good person to marry and also to like, help me deal with a wedding that would be surrounded by rich people who have different priorities.

How would I even have a wedding with someone like Josh? My idea of nice and their idea of nice are worlds apart. Can jewish people elope? It's when we talk about things like this that I want to break up because it seems impossible to work out. Then I always want my mommy to pet my hair and tell me how it will work.

Actually, I always want her to pet my hair.

The road not taken

2011-07-05T23:58:00.000-04:00

When we were in Cambridge we went to the Harvard campus. It was very much a Gilmore Girls moment, except I wasn't Rory; Josh was.

Josh is outrageously smart, in that way where he can put in minimal effort to get impressive results. During finals, I'll stay up until 4am studying, and then review on the way to school. Josh will study until maybe 1am and then claim the important thing is to be well-rested for his tests.When Josh's GPA dropped to a flat B one semester he decided that wasn't good enough, so he just studied an extra few hours each week to bring it up. If my GPA drops, I lose scholarships, so I study about five hours a day.

He didn't have to go to the #4 university. I asked Josh if he's sad that he didn't go to the best school he could have. "No." I asked if he'd tell me if he was. "No." I didn't want to push him; I'm scared the real answer might be yes. Later, Josh told me that his school will look impressive enough on a resume, and more important than that will be the connections he has, so that's why he doesn't mind staying home to go to school. My life is a thousand times easier because Josh stays, and I really hope he never resents his decision.

One state, four days

2011-07-04T23:49:00.001-04:00

I think it's pronounced Bahhhhhston, and not Bawston. I was given tomorrow off, and as soon as Josh found out, he got all excited and scurried off to do research. It feels like we've seen the entire state of Massachusetts. Cambridge, Harvard, Boston Duck Tours, Holocaust Memorial, Plymouth Rock, Tree Canopy Walkway in Worcester (which we almost didn't do because I only had flip flops so Josh bought me sneakers so I could do it), walked around Beacon Hill, went to an indoor trampoline park, whale watch tour on a boat and New England Aquarium, Salem, and I don't know what we're doing tomorrow before we go home. There is a Gap on almost every corner in Boston.

We aren't even going to Cape Cod or Martha's Vineyard because Josh says there's not enough time. I can't believe how much history is here. I mean, you know it, but to actually walk around seeing it everywhere you turn blows you away. Every night we fall into bed exhausted. I was prepared to not do the Tree Canopy thing when they said we needed sneakers and flip flops weren't allowed. Josh was like no, this is too cool, we need to do this. That's how I wound up with a new pair of Converse.

Of course Josh has friends in Boston, so someone has lent us a car. The connections he seems to have everywhere blow me away. I don't know anyone. His circle is so much larger. From the airport we took a taxi to someone's house, rang the doorbell, and a woman had us come in, have lemonade and gave him keys to the car next door. I was really confused at first, but finally got it sorted out that his parents know the car people, and the woman we met was just the neighbor holding the keys for him since they were on vacation. Which is why they don't need their car.

The coolest thing so far was when we were in the suburbs somewhere, and Josh pulled into a parking lot. He hopped out of the car, so I got out too, and he let me drive. It was INSANE! I thought it would be really hard to only use one foot, but it wasn't. I kept trying to center myself in the aisles until Josh pointed out I wasn't sitting in the center of the car. I have tried to offer to pay at a gas station a few times, but Josh wouldn't let me.

He hasn't let me pay for anything except breakfast every morning (Dunkin' Donuts = breakfast of champions!) and pizza one day. It makes me cringe to think of how much Josh has spent, so I kind of am trying not to. When we were on the boat I couldn't stop humming the "I'm on a boat" song and Josh kept giggling. We may not have been the most maturely behaved but it was tons of fun.I thought all I wanted to do was lay on a beach doing nothing, but this has been crazy fun. Oh excuse me. Wicked. Wicked fun.

A do list

2011-06-30T01:31:00.002-04:00

The last few days, since Alex realized that the two of us will have the place to ourselves, she has been coming up with all these fabulous-to-her plans. "Sammers, you know what I always wanted to bake with you?" "Sammers, we should go to Coney Island!"

Dude. Sammers fucking works. Sammers would sometimes like to sit on the couch drinking and watching a dumb Bravo show while someone else cooks.

I told Alex to come up with free things to do, and to figure out how much money each thing she wants to do will cost, and how much she plans to contribute. I know we'll wind up bumming around Brooklyn at some point. Apparently that's a sisters only trip, because I floated the idea of inviting Jackie by, and Alex got teary. Danielle pulled me aside and tried to make me promise not to do anything too fun without her. Really? REALLY, Miss Italy?

Squeezing it all in

2011-06-28T00:31:00.000-04:00

Josh leaves for his first set of travel weeks right before Independence Day. He's going to Australia, where two of his friends live. Plus his parents have family friends there. It seems like all people of a certain socio-economic level have international friends, but I can't figure out how they get them.

Then he'll be back for a little while before going to Europe. He will be away when Danielle is in Italy, so it'll just be me and Alex. It's going to be so much fun hanging out with Alex. She already asked if we can sleep together when everyone else leaves. I'm just happy she didn't ask if we can also dress the same every day too. Starting July 4th, my tutoring rate goes up by $15 an hour for current people, and $25 for new people (who hopefully won't be in shock). I was so hugely nervous telling the parents I was raising my rates that it took over a month to work up to, but nobody was upset. Some just said okay, and others were like, "I always thought you were under-charging!"

Because Josh is going away so much, he told me the other day he's sad he won't see me a lot. So today he came to meet me for lunch, and then came back at the end of my workday to walk me home before we go running. He won't go with me to work though, because that's too early in the morning.

When Josh came for lunch, he hadn't told me, and I'd brought my lunch. He showed up with a tupperware and said it was a snack for me, but when I tried to look, Josh wouldn't let me. He said to put it in the fridge for later, and then confessed he carefully held it straight the entire way there. He'd drawn a heart in chocolate and then put in bananas sliced into hearts, strawberries sliced into hearts and blueberries. It must have taken him all morning.

When Josh left after lunch, he took the lunch I'd brought to work, home with him. He ate it for a snack, and then still ate a full dinner.

Shopping rich-people style

2011-06-26T23:55:00.001-04:00

When Josh asked me to go clothing shopping with him I thought it meant we'd go to JCrew or somewhere and spend an hour picking out polos and t-shirts. Josh's rich-boy friends are always wearing t-shirts that are supposed to imply they're tough and dangerous. Bronx Boxing. As if any of them have ever let anyone punch them in the same faces that go to the dermatologist every month.

No. Josh has a personal shopper at a department store. He has fancy dressing rooms, separate from the masses. They have cushy chairs and offer you champagne. They pulled things in his sizes and put them on a big rack. There was no limit to the number of things Josh was allowed to take in the dressing room. Nobody counted each pair of pants, separating them to make sure nothing was balled up to be stolen later.

The women were so nice. Jeremy, the personal dude shopper (as Josh called him) told me I could go into the little dressing room with him, but I was embarrassed. Instead I sat outside next to his rack of clothes and studied, while every so often telling Josh he looked pretty. He spent over $1100. On clothes. For the summer.

Then I went to a fire family dinner with my sisters, where we were given a garbage bag that had sweatshirts smelling of cat pee on them.

Pride!

2011-06-25T06:06:00.000-04:00

Gonna be totally crazy this weekend. Not sure I've ever been so proud of my state before. I wanna go marry a girl just because I CAN!

Hopefully this will be contagious, and spread to other nearby states.

Drunk night snacks

2011-06-24T06:22:00.002-04:00

During the afternoon Jackie called to invite me out drinking after work. I ran to meet up with her and we spent the next five hours flirting to get free drinks from married business men and laughing. Stumbling home my face hurt from laughing so much.

When I got there, my sisters were already in bed, and Josh did not seem happy. I of course, was in a great mood, and couldn't understand why Josh wasn't too. Eventually it came out that he'd waited for dinner for me and was hungry-grumpy.

So. Making crepes when you're drunk is not possible without waking up a sister or two and burning yourself and dropping food on the floor. Also? Plum crepes? Not so much.

May not be a huge fan of her music

2011-06-23T00:29:00.001-04:00

But after reading this I definitely respect Pink a little more. It makes me glad we've never bought US or People subscriptions.

Juggling

2011-06-22T00:53:00.000-04:00

Shrink: What is your priority for the summer?
Me: To bang out as much of a semester as possible, earn as much as possible
Shrink: Life is juggling right?
Me: Oh, it's metaphor time? Awesome. Sure, juggling.
Shrink: Okay. So in what way are you juggling Josh?
Me: I don't know.
Shrink: What do you have to do to juggle school?
Me: Get the grades.
Shrink: What do you have to do to juggle work?
Me: Be professional, do a good job.
Shrink: Okay, so what do you have to do to juggle Josh?
Me: ....
Shrink: Think that's how it should be?
Me: Since you said that, no.
Shrink: Okay, so how should it be?
Me: Um ... um I should be doing something to juggle Josh? Is it just me or does that sound dirty?
Shrink: It kind of does.

I thought about it all the way home.

Me: What should my priorities be for you?
Josh: ... what?
Me: Like, what is the number one thing I could do to be a good girlfriend to you?
Josh: ::nods his head towards our bedroom::
Me: I mean besides that.
Josh: Sam, this is coming out of nowhere, I don't know!
Me: Well, think about it and get back to me, okay?
Josh: Yeah, I'll get right on that.

Later:
Josh: Was today your weekly shrinking?
Me: Yeah
Josh: That explains a lot.

I accidentally got a sunburn today

2011-06-21T01:14:00.000-04:00

1. I accidentally got a sunburn today.
2. This girl Claudia tried to make friends with me, I think.
3. A guy ran after me yelling, and when I turned around he held his hands up and told me he wasn't a bad guy, then asked if I knew where a street was, saying his car got towed. I said no.
4. Another late night, too hot to cook, resulted in a tomato salad with scallops made in a frying pan.
5. Now Josh wants to take me on a cruise in Alaska. I don't even know what to do with him anymore. Am considering getting him a vacation girlfriend the way other girls get their boyfriends blowjob girlfriends.
6. There is a big sale going on at all the clothing stores and I was tempted to go look around on my way even though it was like 8:30 when I got home.
7. My flip flop is breaking.

Partial planning

2011-06-19T23:54:00.000-04:00

Vacations involve a lot of stress. It's almost like you need a vacation to get over the stress of the vacation. I feel really, really awkward talking to Josh about things like trips in front of my sisters. They don't look up, but you can tell they stop watching tv or studying or whatever to listen. It makes me completely uncomfortable since it's already such a difficult topic.

Josh asked where I want to go. How do you answer that? Do you say like, somewhere really close by because you don't want to be rude, or do you go for broke and say "Four islands in Hawaii," because this might be your only chance? Josh told me to think about what I want to do on vacation, and then we can plan where to go based on where we can do those things.

All I want is a beach and ocean and no rushing anywhere and good food. Josh laughed and said we can get that pretty much anywhere. "We can go across the bridge, and go to the Jersey Shore."

He didn't mean that seriously. We're not going to Jersey. But I mean, it is really hard to spend someone else's money. My sisters watched without watching. Danielle slipped me a note. Ask for a vacation budget! "Why don't you give me a budget so I know what's reasonable?"

Josh didn't get it. I struggled. "Like, tell me how much you want to spend. Then I can plan based on how far that will go." Apparently there is no budget at all. You just spend however much you have to in order to have all the fun you want to have. If that means $2000 or $20,000, then that's what it costs. But I think a budget would be great, because I have no idea what's reasonable.

When my mom was alive we never went on vacations like Josh's family does. We went to Coney Island for the day, or to see an off-Broadway matinee. For the day. We always slept at home. She never really told me how much vacations cost that we couldn't afford them; they were just always for other people. Maybe I was too young to talk about money stuff then. My mom really only let me help with paying bills and balancing her checkbook.

It's probably wrong to not want to go on vacation because it's too stressful.

My sisters are idiots

2011-06-16T23:51:00.001-04:00

Nerdy idiots, but idiots just the same. There are four people here. Three bedrooms. One of the bedrooms is used as a guest room/study. Both sisters are in Crazy Finals Mode. Today they got in a screaming fight over who got to use the study. They both wanted to use it to have a quiet place. HelLO! As long as the other person isn't there with you, isn't whatever room you're in quiet?

I had to point that out four times before they realized I had a point. In the end, Danielle studied on the floor in the living room and Alex used my bed. It will be nice when finals are over and they turn their brains back on.

Lollipops for everyone

2011-06-14T23:52:00.000-04:00

I wonder if it means something that Doug always gives me either the very first or very last appointment of the day. Alex came with me because she had free time - it was just coincidence that she has a horrible cold. When she coughs she puts her hand out on the wall like she needs it to hold her up.

After we got there, Al coughed while Doug was talking to me and he shoved a lollipop in her face and told her to be quiet. She giggled and gave me a look that meant, "Ha ha, I already got one and you didn't." Little shit. I showed Doug my bruises. He asked if I remembered how I got any of them. I knew how I got one, and Alex thought she knew about two others.

Doug asked about my eating these days and which vitamins I'm taking. He felt up my neck and under my arms and my stomach. He frowned and put his feet up on his desk. Shrugged. Unwrapped his own lollipop, held it up towards Alex and "cheers!" Then he told me it seems like I've just had a clumsy run for the last couple weeks. There's no point in going crazy doing lots of blood tests when there's no good reason for them. Doug said giving me a blood test would add another bruise.

I asked how he knew I don't have cancer. He pointed at me. "I told you not to google! No lollipop for you!" Then Doug put his feet down and leaned forward. "You don't have any other symptoms. I checked. You don't have leukemia Sam. Maybe you're just becoming clumsy in your old age."

Alex and he sat there sucking their lollipops. I sat there wondering if he was serious about not giving me one as punishment for googling. Alex coughed. Doug gave her a second lollipop, told her it was "another one for the road." She giggled again, then coughed some more. Doug asked Alex if he could listen to her chest and back. He told her afterwards it's just a bad cold, and to wash her hands a lot. Then told me she doesn't have cancer either. "I'm not paranoid. I'm not a hypochondriac." Doug nodded, "Do you think you might suffer from hypochondria?" Alex giggled.

I walked out. I heard Doug and Alex walk down the hall behind me to the reception area. When I reached the front door, I opened and leaned against it waiting for Alex. She and Doug got to the door and Doug said goodbye to us. Held his hand out to me to shake. I shook. When I took my hand away there was a lollipop.

If I'm not busy with chemo

2011-06-14T00:21:00.000-04:00

July 4th weekend has been carved out. Literally. I took scissors and cut out the three days from the calendar, wrapped them in tissue paper, put a ribbon around it and gave the package to Josh.

He got so excited that he didn't know what to do. First he thought we should go to Disneyland, so I could compare it to Disney World. Right as I was about to say I'm still full up from our Disney trip, Josh changed his mind. He doesn't believe in spending fewer days than the hours it takes to get somewhere. That got him thinking about California though, and he got all wistful for going to Los Angeles and Santa Monica and a bunch of other places I've forgotten.

When Josh came back to reality, he considered taking me to the Jersey Shore. It was like the Frown Heard Across the World. So he is going to think about it. My sister asked if she can come. Alex doesn't want to stay home alone, but for three days I think she'll live.

No Googling!

2011-06-12T23:51:00.003-04:00

Yesterday Josh noticed another bruise, this one on the inside of my wrist, and it reminded me to call Doug. Even though he gave me his cell number I figure that's for like, emergency room style problems, so I always look at it and then call his office instead. He has really nice answering service people.

Doug called back Saturday night and told me the message he'd gotten said I have a lot of bruises. He asked if I've taken up any new sports. Duh. We went through a slew of other questions. Doug asked if my mom had a lot of bruises. I remember how she smelled, how soft her skin was, a lot of outfits she wore. Can't really remember if she had a lot of bruises or not. So Doug asked if my sisters bruise easily. It was frustrating - I felt like he was missing my point. This is a new thing! Who calls a doctor on the weekend for a symptom they've had their whole life?

He told me it was probably nothing major and something we could fix, and then told me, "Don't google this. Doctors orders." I agreed, and Doug kind of yelled. "Hey! I have daughters - I don't need to be looking at you to know you just rolled your eyes." Damn.

I totally googled. Okay, that was a big mistake. I can not have leukemia. Later when I was telling Danielle how this will probably involve more blood tests she told me not to ever make her go to him. That I've had more blood tests since knowing Doug than in the last ten years. Dani suggested we have rickets, or some ricket-based disease. Great.

I'm pregnant and my boyfriend beats me

2011-06-10T00:50:00.000-04:00

Not really, but that's what you'd hear if you listened to my sisters. I have bruises all over and don't know how they got there. Tonight I was showing Dani and Al a new one above my knee and when Josh came into the kitchen they both turned and glared at him like he'd done it. And I mean, maybe he did. I kneed him in the balls once, in my sleep. So maybe he kicked me. Except I have over half a dozen bruises all over. Plus I'm kind of a light sleeper so if Josh was secretly beating me up while I slept, it'd wake me up.

They were kidding about setting up a nanny cam in our bedroom to catch him abusing me, but sometimes Josh is a bit of a special snowflake and us three girls overpower his manly feelings. That's probably why he was leaning against the door frame of Alex and Dani's room tonight reassuring them we have a good relationship.

I'm not really sure what exactly is involved in a fatherly talk, or what the difference is between a fatherly talk and a big brotherly talk, but I assume a big brotherly talk involves cursing (because that's how Topher's were) and a fatherly one doesn't. Most of the time when Josh decides he needs to give my sisters a talk, to me it comes across as fatherly. Like tonight I also heard him saying he doesn't want them to ever keep going out with any boy who abuses them. And even if we break up they can still come find him if they are in a bad situation and need help.

It was sweet. He was really nervous about living with them. He gets really uncomfortable when they put him in what he considers fatherly situations. It probably doesn't help that we come from a really open household and he comes from a very buttoned up one.

More, more MORE

2011-06-09T00:47:00.000-04:00

Today I met up with Kelly, and she gave me a really nice compliment - that I am the most driven person she knows. The funny thing is I don't feel driven at all, just like I chug along each day and every so often look to make sure I'm still on track. I invited her over for dinner and she was like, "You are the only kid I know who (she made air quotes here) entertains like a grownup." That was not a compliment. But you know, if you're making dinner for three people and a boy (so that's like six people) it's not that hard to add one more person to the meal. And plus it's cheap.Way cheaper than going out to eat.

At one point we were talking about friends and I confessed to not really having many. Just my sisters and Josh for the most part. Kelly gave me a big speech about not ditching my friends for my boyfriend, that she did that and then it turned out her boyfriend was snorting Ritalin and he was always saying he was going to kill himself if she left him alone to hang out with other people.

Josh has barely ever taken a Tylenol since I've known him - he's definitely not snorting Ritalin or anything, but I see Kelly's point. She's right. When I'm in bed at night I make all kinds of grand plans. Going to sleep before midnight. Doing something fun once a week. Okay, once a month. Meeting up with a friend once a week. I suck at these goals. Bed before midnight? Never happens unless I'm sick. A friend once a week could be the fun once a week, if I ever did it.

Later, in the kitchen, Kelly grabbed both my hands and like, begged me, "You have to nurture your soul!" She meant it so seriously that I wanted to giggle. After Kelly left I nurtured my toenails by polishing them.