Come over! Bring your coffee table!

Laurie is spending a lot of time at our place. None of us are home during the day, and of course her house is empty too, so I'm a little confused as to why she spends three days here. That confusion can be ignored.

What can't be ignored is all the furniture and decorations Laurie keeps bringing over. No shit, she brought over a table and two chairs, a huge planter, a huge Buddha, throw pillows ... It doesn't seem like she's redecorating. It seems like she's setting up camp. It doesn't seem like she's using the extra table at all. Josh doesn't understand it either.

Danielle suggested that maybe it was like an adult version of a security blanket, but then Josh said he'd never seen any of these things at his house or in storage. So we're trying to not trip over things, and I'm trying to not freak out that my food budget has doubled. 

My head spun

Tonight I found out that Josh was going to take me somewhere warm for Thanksgiving weekend. Except then I got sick. So he cancelled. Is something wrong with me that instead of just being sad we weren't going, I had to first freak out at the idea of him taking me on a fancy trip? Even when I knew we weren't going, I couldn't cut off the freakout feelings.

Does that go away at some point?

Teresa and Joe Guidice - Part One

Okay, I just need to get this out there. Firstly, Teresa is spray-tanned to Oompa Loompa levels.

Joe thinks his sentence was "a little high." O rly?! How many months do you think someone should go to prison for lying to the government, falsifying documents, etc.?

Teresa thinks her sentence of 15 months is "shocking." Why would she be shocked to be sent to prison for breaking the law? Is she not aware of how legal punishments work?

Teresa claims she didn't understand she accepted a plea bargain sending her to prison for 27 months. So she's admitting to being stupid? I mean, she HAD a whole team of attorneys - didn't they explain it all to her?

Andy asks about the omissions in the paperwork - what did she say to her lawyers about them submitting incomplete documents? Teresa implies she didn't speak with her lawyers at all about it. Um, if my attorney fucked me over to the point of getting me sentenced to PRISON you can bet your ass I would sue them.

Teresa now claims she would buy a "used home." Even though she's quoted on tv flat out saying it would be disgusting to live in a home someone else lived in prior.

I trust Josh more than I trust anyone else. It was the scariest thing following him out of the country and relying on him to get me back in. If Josh told me that he needed my signature on something, damn straight I would read it first, before signing. And if I had any questions about it, I would ask them first, and wouldn't sign until I understood. And Josh would never dream of questioning my loyalty to him if I did that. Hell, I think he'd be disappointed if I blindly signed anything.

Andy asks Joe what it will be like to be the only parent at home while Teresa is in prison and Joe says, "It'll be a lot of work." Nice, douchebag. Nothing about missing your wife?

They claim that the two middle daughters, in third and fourth grade, know nothing. They are HIGH to believe that. You KNOW that it was talked about in their school.

You know what's very telling? Teresa and Joe said when they got home, their whole extended families and all their friends were there. People who feel guilty of breaking the law are generally ashamed, aren't they? Being surrounded by people after being sentenced screams of them not genuinely feeling guilty, to me. It's as if they've convinced themselves they are victims, somehow. But they're really not. They made concrete decisions - more than one - to break the law.

Pumpkin soup

In a word: fail. The soup itself was good. I made bourbon croutons to go with it. Those were good too.

The problem, according to Josh, was that it wasn't a meal. "It's just soup! That's an appetizer." Dude, this isn't chicken soup. That's light. Pumpkin soup is heavy. Completely different beast.

I couldn't think of anything else that went with my pumpkin soup, so Josh had a third helping and then made some popcorn. Then he had a bagel with lox. I don't know how he avoided throwing up to be honest.

Apologies

Josh's mom contacted me and asked if we could have lunch this week. Today was the first day I could be sure there would be a solid chunk of time for it. Usually I just run out for a yogurt or salad or something. Usually I'm working at a client though. My last client wrapped up and today I was at the office. Even though it's good to be on a client, I like having a day off. You can dress down a little, take a little more time for lunch, slouch in your chair without worrying the client will wander by.

We met at the Rock Center Cafe. I was really nervous. Both about the time lunch would take, and why Laurie wanted to have lunch with me. Maybe I wasn't properly sympathetic or respectful at the concentration camps. Maybe they wanted to go back for more on our Christmas trip. Maybe I said something accidentally that made me sound like a Nazi.

All that was wrong. I am not accidentally a Nazi. No, it turns out Laurie wanted to apologize. She felt it was disrespectful of them to make plans for Christmas without asking what I'd like to do. Without asking my sisters if this is okay with them. Laurie was very emphatic.

But I already talked to my sisters. They are totally psyched to go to Europe for Christmas. To buy food and cook a Christmas dinner. To wander around the markets. We're fully down for this. I told Laurie this - that we already have some lists going, and tentative plans of where else we want to explore.

So she thanked me. Laurie thanked me for being so gracious. Me, gracious. I never saw that coming.

The bitching about work must end, immediately

A guy from work committed suicide over the weekend. No idea if it was because of work or what, but I could totally see that being the case. Some managers really get off on making other people's lives miserable. A really sensitive person having that happen could take it super personally.

All day we were unsettled and everyone kept gossiping about him. I didn't want to talk about him. Not because I don't care. Because I didn't know him very well, and can't imagine someone wanting their pain and life discussed by people who are just excited to have something big to talk about besides work.

After work I changed my clothes and took Josh out for a run (this makes him sound like a dog but he's not - I just wanted to talk and move). He asked me to promise that if I ever felt so bad that suicide seems like a good option, I would come tell him. I just agreed and didn't say that time already passed.

As I thought about it more I realized that for me the feeling passed. Maybe for the guy at work, it didn't. Not every problem is temporary. I hope he's at least at peace now.

We need guest rules

Here's what happens when my sisters or I have a guest over:
1. They arrive with minimal stuff
2. They sleep over for a night, never more unless one of us are gone
3. They leave, and then there's no trace of them having been here

Here's what happens when Josh has a guest over:
1. His guest is rarely one person. In the current case, it's four people
2. They arrive with lots of stuff, which is immediately thrown all about
3. Josh swears I'm wrong, but I'm not - they look around and pick the person they'll be asking to do all sorts of things for them. Sometimes their asking is not an actual question, but more like voicing wistfulness. "You know what would be amazeballs? Some black tea with organic honey." 
4. They stay longer than I like. Every. Single. Time. Then I do the whisper-yell to Josh to get them out and he tells me it's just a day or three more, and then I get bitchy to the guests and they're like "What's her issue?" to Josh and we fight.
5. They make themselves at home in all the wrong ways and none of the right ways. You make yourself a messy snack in the kitchen an hour before dinner, don't clean up from it, pick at dinner, don't clean up from that, and then two hours later bitch about being hungry.
6. Josh would disagree with this, but even the nice things they do are done in a way that makes us feel bad. "You didn't have any flowers and it was really depressing here so I bought some." 
7. They don't follow the way we do things here. Take your fucking shoes off!

Needless to say Dani has been absent a lot lately and I've been a rude hostess by hanging out in my bed a lot claiming to be working.

So I got in trouble at work

We got sent to work at a client's office and they are expanding into the suite next door to theirs. Lots of construction is being done, and it's very dusty. On Monday I picked particles of something out of my mouth. At the end of the day I wanted to vacuum out fiberglass (not really sure that's what it was, but I decided that's what it felt like) from my lungs and eyes. The dust was so bad that it was creeping under the door into the office we had been working in. Our client told us to work from home Tuesday. Our manager was on vacation so I emailed him to let him know we couldn't stay in the office while all that construction was going on. The other two guys I am working with decided the client is always right so Tuesday they would be staying home from work.

On Tuesday I went to our office instead of our client's. I was able to get about five hours of work done for our client and then did another two hours of random admin stuff. Today I went back to the client's office and it was MUCH less dusty. It was very cold - they'd left the windows open overnight to air out the place. Today our manager was back from vacation, and showed up totally furious that we listened to our client and didn't show up.

Even worse than that, he totally humiliated me by announcing to the two guys that at least I worked on Tuesday. I am a little confused about what we did wrong. They are always telling us to do what the client says, jump when they say, follow their dress code, listen to the client. But apparently when they say to do something that would be fun for us, we shouldn't listen to the client anymore? I don't understand. Work is hard, yo.

Determined destiny

There is an outrageous amount of history in Spain. I am totally not at all into history, but when you know a place has been around for centuries, that's a little mind-blowing. To stand in a spot and think of all the other people have stood there, and what kind of life they were having, is amazing. Apparently, in the super-olden days, everyone in the family had the same job. For generations. Like, whatever your great-grandfather did for a living, that's what you were going to do. He worked on building a building, and when you stopped going to school you were going to work on building that same building too. Plus, you worked on that building for decades knowing that you would never see it completed, and that your son would also work on it, as would your grandson and great-grandson.

Of course all the girls don't count. They just cranked out the sons and made the meals to keep them fortified enough to work on those buildings. It is weird to think of all those generations of women who were content enough to be in only the supporting roles for so long. Until they weren't, I guess. Because they had to eventually get upset - otherwise things never could have changed.

Therapy session numero uno

Shrink: So, would you like to tell me why you're here?
Alex: Because my bitch of a sister made me.
Shrink: Okay. Would you like to tell me why you're here?
Me: Because my sister's become a bitch.
Shrink. Alright. And... you?
Dani: I ... don't know. Because I'm stuck being a sister to these two bitches who hate each other now. 

I am not sure the shrink was prepared for us. He tried to unravel the bitchiness. It was difficult.

Shrink: Why don't you tell me why you think your sister made you come here.
Alex: Because she's a bitch.
Shrink: Has she always been a bitch?
Alex: Yes but it was only this year that I couldn't take it anymore.
Shrink: And has she made you go to therapy in the past?
Alex: No.
Shrink: Can you give me an example of what your sister's done that you find bitchy?
Alex: Well, just look at her!

The shrink looks at me. I'm wearing my national costume of black hoodie sweater, jeans, black Chucks, and sunglasses. I stare at him. He looks back at Alex.

Shrink: Well we clearly have our work cut out for us, don't we?
Alex: Maybe you do.

He blinks. The rest of the thing went the same way. 10 minutes in Danielle pulled out her homework and ignored us to do it. It sucked. My life is supposed to be starting in a few months. The problems were supposed to practically be over with. Now this?

On the way home I asked Danielle if she wanted to get drunk with me. "Sure."

State of the Union comments

Well, that was really freaking depressing!

It's 2013 and we're still talking about how everybody should be able to vote? That's pretty pathetic, but not quite as pathetic as that Boehner guy not standing up or clapping for the 102 year old black lady who voted. Why were all those people killed in the olden days trying to rally the troops to go vote, if we're not appreciating and respecting their efforts now by voting?

People earning minimum wage are below the poverty level. Well then what's the point of having a minimum wage? This should have been fixed ages ago.

It really upset me when Obama talked about preschool. Danielle is the only one of the three of us who went (and she's the smartest of the three so maybe he had a point). Sure, maybe I would have gotten a full scholarship to Yale or Harvard if I'd just had preschool, but I didn't become a teen mother, didn't drop out of school, am (probably) going to graduate from college.

I voted for Obama, but wasn't loving his speech tonight.

Graduation

I am supposed to graduate this spring. Like in about five months. It's almost $70 just for the cap and gown, plus however much tickets cost. We had brunch with Josh's parents this morning and when the subject came up it was as if I'd announced being pregnant when all I said was something about not planning to attend graduation. Everyone just stared at me in shock, mouths wide open.

Look, it's not my thing. You can get the physical diploma without spending all that money on the ceremony. Plus if you're doing that, then you're not working, so not only are you spending money but you're also not earning money. I didn't do my high school graduation, and it was fine.

According to Laurie though, skipping college graduation is not fine at all. "We've earned this," she insisted. She was so intense about it. She was almost going to cry. I kicked Danielle under the table, who tossed out something about working it out, and then changed the subject.

What the hell?

Trauma

We had a fire family dinner tonight. We were talking about the damage from the hurricane, and how things have changed. I mentioned something about 9/11 and our firefighter was like "Oh, TOTALLY!" and talked about how this is bringing up so many of the same feelings - of total shock and having to get used to this new reality but also knowing this new reality will change soon into a different new reality soon, but not being sure what that different new reality will look like. He also said how weird it is for people that money can't buy electricity or gasoline - it doesn't matter who you are - if it's not your day to go to the gas station you just can't go (unless you're Donald Trump).

He asked me later if I'm cringing at the sound of airplanes. When I admitted I am, he told me he is too. We talked about how hard it is to breathe when you're scared. He told me some of the calming down stuff he does. It made me feel better to know a real professional is having problems with this too. It has been feeling like there has been screaming going on inside my head all this time and now it's a lot quieter.

Madison and Paul went home on Saturday. Their house had electricity by like Wednesday - they just felt like it was more fun to be staying with us in the city than at their home in Jersey with their parents. We were good hostesses despite how we started to feel.

Bye bye now

I am a terrible, terrible person. Paul and Madison can leave now. I'm done with them. I'm not alone. Alex came into the bathroom while I was showering and told me that sharing a hotel room in Vegas with Dani was cool because they had each other to talk to about all the new and scary stuff going on. Then coming home and finally having a way she wasn't too young to help was nice so she was happy to share her room again. But now she's finished.

It turns out that even though Al was devastated about Danielle moving out, she adjusted to having her own bedroom for the first time, pretty quickly. Now she is sharing with both Dani and Madison. Yesterday I woke up to find Alex sleeping next to me. For reasons I can't explain, my first instinct after finding her in bed was to peer over the edge to see if Josh was on the floor. He wasn't (duh). I found him sleeping on the couch. When I asked what happened Josh said Alex woke him up in the middle of the night to ask if she could sleep with us. Notice she asked him because she knew my answer would be no.

Madison and Paul's house is good enough to live in now. Even with the snowstorm. Since their parents are home, I kind of think they're just staying because it's more fun to live here than with parents. 

Maybe this is a little how Aunt Elaine felt.

Now a snowstorm?

We got back this afternoon with tans and full bellies (there is a LOT of food in Vegas). Our apartment is totally fine. Stale air and stale food is all.  That was taken care of with some open windows and a quick cleaning out of the fridge. Right now schools are scheduled to be open tomorrow, but some colleges are switching which campus to go to. We are going to leave like a half hour earlier than usual because there are still closures.

I feel really bad for everyone involved in this clusterfuck. The homeless people really do need a safe place to have shelter. The kids really do need their school back. It's hard to understand why the homeless people used the entire school as their own toilet, until you realize they've left empty booze bottles all around and are alcoholics and probably unable to think clearly. If I was worried about getting raped in a bathroom I could see considering peeing in a water fountain as a decent alternative.

Supposedly a snowstorm is coming early this week. The Apocalypse really is coming. Josh just told me his friends in Jersey don't have power and are tired of staying with relatives so they're coming here. I can not figure out if Aunt Elaine is worried about us, or angry at us for not worrying and checking on her. I kind of want to see if somebody can check on her, but am scared to find out she's dead too.

On the flight home, Dani asked if we could go donate blood. We can, but ... does the Red Cross really need blood to help with Sandy? Don't they need stuff more like food and blankets because it's cold and so many people are missing electricity? See, this would be the time to donate our comforter. Josh told me his parents will donate to a few of the places closely helping.  I asked how they can make the decision of where to cap a donation. Josh shrugged. He went off to ask his father and came back saying they have some kind of annual budget for donations and they spread it out as it's needed throughout the year. I feel like shit that we have been donating to ourselves all the time. This stuff is making me cry, and it didn't even happen to me.

No pets

My sisters have gotten together and decided they can't wait for us to get a puppy, so we should get a kitten to tide us over. This is the dumbest thing ever. We don't even LIKE cats. We are all dog people. We put up with cats.

If we got a cat, it would just make me even more aware that we don't have a dog. More angry. I worry that I would kick the cat, for being angry at it for not being a dog. Becca was trying to talk me into getting a dog. She kept claiming it barely takes any work and barely costs any money. But we've gone shopping together. My idea of "barely any money" is under $5. Becca's idea of it is under $100.

Josh suggested that when I get pregnant that will be the perfect time to get a dog. I didn't understand why. Because that obviously is when I'd stop working. It isssss? According to Josh, yes. Apparently you stop working to get ready for the baby. For over half a year?! What on earth could you have to do that can't be done over the course of one weekend?

The whole thing was really annoying. Everyone thinks I should do all these things, but they all put ME at risk, not THEM. If I get a dog, that's a living thing depending on me. On my money for vets and food and whatever else dogs need. If I stop working Josh is supposed to be like, supporting me? How could anybody count on that without having like 50 years of savings in the bank? I mean what if the guy leaves?

We're not getting a dog. Or a stupid cat.

Killing plans

I know this girl from when I lived in the Bronx. Her mother was always sick - that's what I remember about her. Liver failure. Last weekend I ran into Jazmyn. Her mother's going to die. Two years or less. Jazmyn always smoked way more weed than me, and did tons of hard drugs on top of that. She doesn't look good. Like, unhealthy. Like a junkie. Because she is one now.

Jazmyn was always super close with her mom. When she told me her mom's dying Jaz got tears in her eyes which caused me to also. She told me her plan. She's going to kill herself after her mother dies. She has a boyfriend, but said she's not all that attracted to him, the sex isn't good at all, and they never do anything or go out. Jazmyn's never had a real job.

I am not really sure what to do with this. I asked Jazmyn to get in touch with me before she kills herself. Hopefully by then I'll have thought of something.

Then there were three

For the first time since there were three, none of us are sharing a bedroom with a sister. Danielle and I had a lot of Big Talks this summer and what it boiled down to was that she wanted college to feel different from high school Somehow. So that third bedroom we used as a study/guest room (but mostly a study) is now Dani's bedroom. I am not making her pay rent. It's not like because she's in that room we no longer rent it out to some random person who used to pay rent. Plus she is going to be a doctor and I am building goodwill for all the free medical advice Dani will be expected to provide.

Alex of course, is devastated. If she could be physically attached to one or both of us at all times, she would be happy. So as hard as Dani was campaigning for change, Alex was campaigning in the opposite direction. She ultimately talked Dani into agreeing to have a sleepover twice a week, dropping to once a week during midterms and finals. I guarantee though, that there will be hurt feelings coming up in a couple of months. Why? Because Alex thought it meant only during Dani's test weeks, but I'm sure Dani will make it also during Al's.

Danielle had a list of changes she wanted, including no curfew (basically, no rules). When she talked with Josh about how to best approach me to get what she wanted, he actually did a really fantastic job of it. He gave her this whole speech about how when you have roommates (you pay rent!) you do not make them worry about you. So while they don't give you a curfew, it's more like you give yourself one, and the courteous thing to do is let your roommates know when they can expect you back.

I don't think Danielle had ever thought of it like that, but she hasn't come to me about the curfew thing yet. So I'm thinking Josh made an impact. When he told me about the talk, Josh also said he felt very fatherly, and almost wanted to remind Danielle to use condoms too.

Getting lazy for last days

It feels like the internship has only bee for like two weeks, but it also feel like it's been months and months. Today I got in 13 minutes early and leaned back in my chair and french-braided my wet hair. I wasn't all the way finished when I heard somebody walked towards me, so just wrapped the hair that was left in a bun at the bottom with my ponytail holder. It was just another intern! Seriously considered taking the bun out and finishing but decided not to.

Turned out everyone was feeling lazy today, not just me. Somebody showed up in jeans. Dark wash, but still. A guy sat at his desk slurping soup during lunch. A girl spent almost two hours making personal calls. It's like we're all burned out and mentally finished working.

That scary partner came whizzing by and then back-tracked to me. "Last day soon, huh?" I nodded. "Let's go to lunch tomorrow then." Wait, what? What if she screams at me at lunch? Is this like a date, where since she invited me, she pays? I guess I need to dress extra-nice tomorrow. Probably should bring extra money too. Shit.

The hotness is oh so hot

The thought of having to wear Fancy Clothes to work makes me want to cry (except tears are hot). Why don't they make lighter-weight Fancy Clothes? Or why doesn't the entire accounting profession just unclench and let people dress a bit more comfortably? I bet people would be a little less uptight if they didn't have sweat rolling down their backs.

Alex, always a problem-solver, took matters into her own hands. This morning, I thought the freezer looked a little less filled than it had previously, but figured I was just confused. Then I saw Al walking out the front door with a big armful of wrapped meat and stuff.

Me: What are you doing?
Al: Emptying the freezer. Cameron (neighbor across the hall) said we can borrow theirs, it's okay.
Me: What's wrong with our freezer?
Al: Oh nothing. It's great.
Me: Yeah, so what are you doing?
Al: I told you! Emptying it.
Me: Yes. WHY?
Al: Oh. To make more room. Don't worry. You don't have to do anything.
Me: We can not store dead bodies in the freezer. Find somewhere else.
Al: Okay.
Me: You know it's going to be you who has to get all our food back, right? 
Al: Okay.

I gave up. I am a busy girl and if she is doing some sort of project then whatever. Walked off to go meet Josh and some friends for a few hours. When I came home, Alex was in the kitchen and every single dish with a container was all over the counters. "Don't come in!" she screamed at me. I bodyslammed her out of the way to look.

So it seems Alex bought one of those huge vats of Italian ices - let's not even consider how she got it home - but it doesn't fit in the freezer. So she was trying to portion it out to get it all in there. Josh decided to take control. "Sammer, it's okay. We can totally handle this. Now grab a spoon." Um yeah, that's only doable and funny in a sitcom. In real life it's neither practical nor sustainable.

Josh forced Alex to go asking all our neighbors that we know if they had any freezer space. She was lucky enough to run into people going to New England who generously agreed to lend her their freezer in exchange for her watering their plants and feeding their cat.

Hold on. They were really just going to leave their cat for five days? I hate cats but even I would never do that to an animal. How did they think their cat would have enough water?

Alex ran back and forth transferring extra ices to their freezer. One time she brought the cat to our place, but I made her bring it back immediately. I don't want it to die but I also don't want to live with it. We'll be having ices for every meal for the rest of the month.