Chicken

(Thank you for the link to the second Passover. This year it would be this Saturday. Apparently we are waiting for the biopsies to grow, like a throat culture, but uterine cancer has been ruled out. At this point I've pretty much mentally checked out because if I engage I am enraged at how this is all taking so long after we were told the whole point of going to Texas was the fast turn around time. There is nothing fast about this.)

So Gwyneth Paltrow did yet another celebrity food stamp challenge. Ugh, the limes. Really, almost all the green stuff. I imagine this is probably accurate though, for people who are used to being at least middle class and then all of a sudden ... aren't. How can they possibly know off the top of their heads which foods will go farther and give them more value? Still. She should have bought carrots.

My disgust was tempered both by Laurie's cancer shit and by the fact that I already got all riled up about this before a few years ago. What did get me angry is that she didn't get through a full week, cracking at four days in. Come ON. That's just completely pathetic. Didn't Gwyneth brace herself to do something hard for a week? I mean, she gave birth. Twice! Surely this isn't as hard as that was, right? Didn't she know it wouldn't be all Goop-worthy meals all week? 

Big baby steps

Both my sisters have had to pay for their cell phones for a while now. Alex has had to pay for her toe shoes. Now that she's graduated she has officially retired from ballet (I'm sure her school is pissed that they wasted all that time on her), and will just take classes for fun. This means she won't be going through toe shoes almost weekly anymore. I realized Al will have a lot more money without having to buy all her ballet stuff.

So yesterday I announced that from now on they both have to buy all their own clothes. Plus all their stuff for school. Unknown to them, I did both their budgets. There is just no way either can afford to move out, and Dani's grades will suffer if she works as much as I did since she's double-majoring, and Alex is simply ... not capable. I don't know if she's too immature or too spoiled or what, but she won't be able to move out and support herself in a month.

Josh suggested that we tell them that they have to move out next summer. It gives them a year to figure their shit out, save money, figure out if they want to share a studio or what. I asked Josh if he's sure he can stand to deal with them another year and he pointed out that Danielle is barely here, and Alex is going to be super busy now that she's starting college.

Plus I know Danielle wants desperately to do a year abroad, so that alone would make home much less intense.

First comes love

Aside from the money issue there's one other issue that makes me hesitate when I think of marrying Josh. He wants kids. "Not a lot - no need to become the Duggarsteins - but just like two or three." Umm ... two or three is about two and a half too many. I'm totally down to have a dog.

The thing is, I could be okay with having a kid if we had a boy. Of course there's no way to guarantee that unless we adopted an already-made boy. Josh does not want to adopt a kid. I just feel like with my sisters, I'm over girls.

We are at an impasse on this. Josh has this sister who basically left the family and nobody has spoken to in years, and although he never talks about it I know it hurts him. That's why he wants three kids - so if one pulls what his sister did, the sibling won't turn into an only child. Though, what are the odds of that happening?

I don't want to get married until this is sorted out. As a potential solution I suggested that if a girl pops out, we should just switch with someone who's had a boy and is disappointed. Josh is adamant that we need to raise a baby that's had our genes mashed together.

The other thing is, I have been going so aggressively for so long that it's hard to imagine sitting at home with a baby. At the same time Josh's solution - a nanny - would never feel comfortable. My deadline for working all these things out is a little over seven years from now. By 30 I want to be finished having any kids we may have (or adopt).

In sum, our two big issues are money and kids. The two issues that drive people apart. So yeah, the future is looking great.

Raining dollar bills

Last week I found out my friend, who had been seriously dating her boyfriend for almost as long as I've been with Josh and was moving towards getting married, broke up with him out of nowhere. It was kind of shocking for everyone finding out. We're trying to stay friends with both of them - Josh went out with the guy for drinks; I had my friend over for brunch this morning.

When Josh and I compared notes, we came away honestly surprised they've lasted as long as they have. Basically he's Irish and traditional and wants a wife who will stay home and pop out babies. She's in law school. Yeah, neither will change their mind. It makes me feel outrageously lucky that Josh and I are almost completely on the same page.

The two things we disagree on are having kids and handling money. I could become a trillionaire and still will never be able to spend the way Josh does. He has gotten a thousand times better but Josh will never be able to think of cost and respect money the way I do. Right this very second, there is a stack of bills totaling $660, in a loose pile on the couch next to me. Josh took $800 out of the ATM last week. I would bet you $660 that he has no idea what he spent that $140 on.

When I go to bed tonight, that money will come with me because we have too many people coming in and out of our apartment to sit out in the living room. If someone took a few bills Josh would never notice. This is how he is with money all the time. I bet I could find money in the kitchen, in the hallway (a few times I've found dollar bills being used as bookmarks in books), everywhere.

Every cent of my money is accounted for. I know exactly how much is in my bedroom, and in my workbag. Josh has talked about blending our money when we're married. As a poor girl I know that's supposed to be like, my ultimate wish. But if I saw "our" money keeping the place in a book, or strewn in random places, it would make me crazy. I don't want to break up like our friends did. I don't think Josh is ever going to change.

Like the closest friend you hate but can't shake

Last night Josh asked if being poor would have been less of a big deal to me if Dani and Alex hadn't been my responsibility. I think so. You can totally be poor and be happy besides that. But it's outrageously scary to be in charge of other people and not feel like you have the means to take care of them. I don't understand how Aunt Elaine never seemed at all bothered by all the things that bothered us. The endless roaches. The small space. The needles in the hallways and stairwells of the building. The random trails of blood. Hearing people being abused throughout the night. That one light-switch that sometimes worked, sometimes didn't. The kitchen cabinets that always seemed like they'd fall off the wall. The way things beyond your control go wrong even when you're given an opportunity to pull yourself up.




At work, I found a way for this company, my company's client, to save over three million dollars a year. It was such a shock that I checked like four times, because surely there's no way the only person who could find this pocket of money would be me. I'm new! How did they not notice this before? I showed my manager, and he barely blinked. Like it was nothing. Which I guess it is, to a multi-million dollar company. How could they not care? I went home and cried in the shower. 15 year-old me could have really put even a tiny fraction of that money to very good use.






Sometimes Josh is convinced it bothers me that he's so well off. It doesn't. What bothers me is when it seems like he doesn't appreciate it. What bothers him is I can't stop counting how much everything costs, even though he also likes it and uses it. When we're food shopping and he looks at what we have and asks how much we're up to, he loves that I can glance and give him an amount that's within two dollars of the total.

I am just sad. And feel guilty. And really angry about that $3 million. And I hate having All the Feelings.

Rich Bitch

I earn a lot of money now. Sometimes I check my bank balance just because it makes me feel good to see all that savings. It's reassuring.

Alex wants me to buy her an iPad. That's what she says, but I think she kind of more wants to just have something fancy bought for her. Josh has an iPad, and when he got his new version he gave me his old one, which I rarely use. Well, I use it almost every day, but never at the times Alex would use it.

Basically Alex just wants to feel special. We got in a huge fight a few weeks ago, and another one yesterday. I pointed out to her that I would be happy to get her something special if she acted like someone who deserved such things. Which made her act worse. It included calling me a rich bitch, saying I am finally lucky and leaving everyone else behind.

Well yes. People who work full time will have more money than people who go to school full time. Alex babysits once or twice a week. When Danielle and I were in high school we worked a lot more than that. Alex doesn't realize though, that as soon as I got my job, I started paying more rent, to get things closer to equal.

I kind of want to charge Alex rent, just because she's so unappreciative. Except when you're in high school you shouldn't really have to pay rent. To be honest, I'm really sad. It never occurred to me that we wouldn't be friends.

Not normal

Josh's grandparents gave me a big giftcard to Anthropologie for Hanukah, and this weekend Dani and I went to go use it. She brought a friend of hers from school, and the girl thought we were nuts. We kept saying to each other, "Do we like this?" because we share so much of our clothing that it's more cost-effective to buy stuff we both like.

Dani's friend couldn't believe we compromise that way. At first it really annoyed me and I was super angry about her comments. Then I realized that we're getting closer to the time when we're not going to be living together anymore and maybe we need to start thinking about splitting up our clothes. That makes me sad.

When we got home and were alone, I asked Dani if she had any idea when she'd want to move out and if she'd thought about how we'd deal with our clothes. Dani looked at me like I'm an idiot. "You get your work clothes and I get everything else." Um, what? Why wouldn't I get any of the good, fun clothes? She wasn't kidding. It made me want to kick her out.

I don't want to compete

On my first day of kindergarten I sat between my mother's legs as she did my hair. She told me there would be nice kids and mean kids, and sometimes the mean kids are louder and easier to notice but that just means I have to look harder for the nice kids. That I had a decision to make every single day, of whether I wanted to be a nice kid or a mean kid. Would people be seeking me out or trying to avoid me?

Last week one morning I was doing my hair before work and thought of that. Because all the bitchy people at work were getting me down. A manager at work asked me to get her a coffee and when I went in the kitchen it took me a while, to figure out how to use the machine. I felt So Stupid, So Poor, for not knowing how to use it.

Whenever I feel poor I feel alone. It's not being poor that makes you feel badly. It's feeling alone in the poorness that feels bad. The crazy thing is, I'm not poor now. I have a really good job. Every morning before I leave for work I have to remind myself of that. Any day now it will kick in.

The other people are not better than me. I am much luckier than so many other people. Money doesn't buy everything you need. In some ways I am much richer than other people. Over and over and over again.

Slipping through fingers

I got to bed before midnight. So proud. Two minutes after Josh got to bed there was a knock on the door. "This is their version of birth control," he whispered. Danielle sat down in front of me. "What the HELL am I spending so much money on? You need to give me more money. College is expensive!"

Well yes and no. It's more that college is a thousand times more social than high school. If you're in college, you're 21, no matter how old you are. There's going out for drinks, going out to lunch, going to coffee with new friends. Danielle talked to so many people in her first week of college that she lost her voice along with all her money.  I'm not giving her more money. I'll give her two tutor kids so she can earn her own, but I'm not giving mine.

Danielle thinks I'm mean. I hoard all the money. I'm also the one who earns all the money. After she walked out in a huff Josh said he thought I was wrong. If I acknowledge that it's more expensive, why wouldn't I give her a little more? But I think he's wrong. Danielle doesn't pay rent. Groceries. Random stuff like socks and medical tape and eyeliner. 

I get that Dani's homework is much harder than mine, so that's why it's fine that she doesn't get a job. But giving her half the money I get from working over the summer, working for Arnie and tutoring? Not going to happen.

Why living with a boy was a bad idea: Reason 837

My sisters came up to us and announced they'd found what they want to get when "we" register after getting engaged. Never mind for a second (a very short second) that they missed the concept of who exactly it is who registers upon becoming engaged, but they decided on $550 plates. Before you start trying to defend them by claiming that's not terrible for a set of plates, that's for ONE. One plate. Obviously no Italian people buy these plates, because Italians have tempers and are not above throwing plates at people's heads when deserved. Do you think if someone's housekeeper drops a plate by accident (or by accident-on-purpose) they get fired?

Josh and I are pretty sure Alex and Dani have taken the concept of "sister wives" way too far.

Breaking up is hard

I got a checking account a couple of years ago. Then soon after, I opened a savings account online, connected to the checking account. Somehow my sisters and I started referring to it as "the family bank." We just keep an Excel spreadsheet listing how much each sister has put in or taken out, when, and what their total is. They each keep an envelope in their underwear drawer with money they earn, all coins go in a glass jar, and once a month we put in whatever's in the envelope. It's probably not the most kosher way of doing money, but it's worked well for us.

Danielle wants to divorce us, and get her own bank. Not really for any reason that's specific, just because she wants to. Alex feels conflicted, like her parents are divorcing and she has to pick who to live with. Josh and I told her that's not at all what's going on. Dani told her the same thing. Except she played dirty, and told Alex if she keeps her money with me, she shouldn't be surprised if I go off spending her money on kitchen stuff. Bitch.

Dance, bitch

My sister's high school is public, but they ask each student to donate $500 each year as a minimum. Plus they also ask for studio donations. Do you know how many pairs of pointe shoes Alex goes through a year? They cost about $75 a pair. Plus the tape, ribbon, tights and leotards. We spend over $500 a year on all that. My deal with Alex is that she has to buy every other pair of pointe shoes she needs, whether it's because they've fallen apart or she's grown out of them. Sometimes Josh hires Al to do his laundry, and he pays her in toes shoes. She hides this from me, so I pretend not to notice it's going on. In the olden days we used to buy the cheap dance stuff from like, Target, but once Alex started dancing for school and having to wash everything after each wear, we saw the stuff fall apart. So we buy the good quality stuff, Alex does laundry more often than the rest of us, and she is not allowed to lose anything on penalty of death.

Needless to say, we do not donate to high school. Alex is ... comfortable in our poorness. She is steeped in this environment of starving artists and thinks it's romantic or something. So she feels no shame at all in using coupons, in finding deals, and in finding out the $500 is only a suggested donation. Alex did want to donate to the studio though, probably because she is holding onto a wobbly barre and knows the guy who comes to fix it, making the need for that type of money more real to her.

Lately Al's been telling me each time someone at school asks if her family's donated yet, or mentions someone else having donated in front of her. I think she is starting to feel bad. On Friday we were at Josh's parent's house, getting ready to start Passover. It's hard to be sure whether or not she planned it this way, but while we were in the room with just Laurie, Alex told me her plan was to spend spring break dancing on the corner with a friend, to get tips, to use the tips for toe shoes.

Laurie got really upset when Alex said that, and walked out. She missed me telling Alex to leave the hawking for money to the people who have no other options, and to instead get more babysitting jobs to save money. It was like a two minute talk, and then over. Al comes up with ideas all the time, and we're forever shooting them down. When we walked out Josh's bedroom door was closed and I could hear angry whispers.

I wasn't sure what was going on until Josh told me. Laurie was upset that we didn't ask her, because apparently she is an "avid supporter of the arts." You know, for people so rich, they sure have a lot of money angst. Their go-to for showing their love is to throw down money a lot of times. The studio donation isn't even a requirement. Sometimes it's exhausting.

Next door

Honestly I am really surprised how everyone's all for Dani paying expenses and stuff. Really she just pays for her share of our cell phone bill and that's it. Her school is so much more intense than my high school was that it seemed wrong to make her use up almost all her non-school time working. I figured as long as she kept up high grades then it was worth it.

Josh told his parents what Danielle told us. I know, because Laurie called me to talk about it. She said she very strongly feels Dani shouldn't have to get a job her freshman year of college. I reminded her that I had one. "Yes, and I wasn't pleased. However, it was not an ideal situation and we recognized that." Dani's applying for every single scholarship she qualifies for, and probably some she doesn't. I don't like to count on those - I'm always worried the world will explode and all of a sudden college won't be paid for. But if she gets enough then books will be covered too, and really Dani won't cost any more money in college than she does now.

The same issue will apply in college for Dani too - her classes are going to be all sciencey and hard. Harder than in her school now. So I am not sure about charging her rent or anything. All I am sure about is that she shouldn't tell Alex, who will definitely cry at the idea of having to sleep in her own room every night.

Running

My sisters and I have almost always gotten the knock-off Converse sneakers. We wear them into the ground and then squeeze a few more months out of them before getting new ones. The other day when Josh and I got back from our nightly run, he watched me taking off my shoes near the door and suggested I get real running shoes.

My gut instinct was to wonder how much it would cost, how many weeks of saving it would take, what other extras would get pushed aside to fit that in. Then, fuck it. "Want to buy me some?" Josh gave me a shit-eating grin. "Sure!" Today we went shopping.

Normally when I buy sneakers I just walk up to the aisle with my size and grab the box. This was different. A girl zeroed in on us right away and asked how she could help. She asked to see me walk. She asked what I'd be using the sneakers for. She laced them for me. When I leaned forward to grab the other one out of the box and lace it Josh caught my eye and gave a tiny shake of his head. So we sat there doing nothing while the girl did it for me.

She had me walk back and forth in a few different pair. On the second pair, I whispered to Josh to ask if this was taking too long. He shook his head no. It seemed like a boring thing to do - watch a person try on shoe after shoe, but the girl told me, "I've seen tons of bored boyfriends in here, and he's not one of them."

On the fourth pair I'd had enough. The girl was telling me all these things, they meant nothing to me since I didn't understand what she was talking about, I couldn't keep straight which facts went with which shoes, and despite what she'd said I felt bored on Josh's behalf. So I told her the fourth pair were great, let's get them. Then I made the mistake of asking how much they cost. Sneakers shouldn't cost $135 unless they come with two pairs of jeans.

I quietly asked the girl if she had a sneaker sort of like that, except at at least half the cost. She immediately looked at Josh like, "Help me!" That felt insulting. She told us, "Why don't I let you two talk," and walked away. I whispered to Josh that there was no way in hell over $100 was being spent on shoes. He kissed my nose. "Price is not your problem tonight. If you like them and they fit, you're getting them."

So. Hello. My name is Sam and I own $135 sneakers. Plus tax.

Good friends screw each other over

I had to create a little spreadsheet of who gets charged how much for tutoring. I have this fear that someone will stand at the door with their checkbook asking how much they owe me, and my mind will go blank and they will underpay me and then I will be too embarrassed to say anything.

So I update the spreadsheet each time someone pays me, and each time someone agrees on the rate they'll pay me, and each time I tutor. The part that seems weird is that people will refer me to their friends, and they are fine with telling their friends I charge more than they get charged. They see nothing wrong with this. Obviously I'm not going to argue - if they're fine with it, I'll be fine with taking their money. But it sure doesn't seem very friendshippy.

Come back!

Friday night after work I did laundry with Danielle. Yesterday after work we packed all her summer stuff. I bought her a new thing of sunscreen to take, since normally we all share the same one and the morning after pill. I got four international calling cards, and made a copy of Dani's passport for me to keep, and a copy of her birth certificate for her to keep. Alex and I decided to give Dani $50 in case she wants to buy stuff in Italy, but after she left, Alex told me Josh gave her $200.

The program sent a list of all these things students should pack, but that list involved buying tons of stuff. Why would she need more than one sweater or one pair of jeans or one skirt? It was like the point was, bring everything you may possibly want, instead of bring only what you'll really need. Dani took out a Frommer's guide from the library and read all about the different parts of Italy that she'll visit, and how to avoid being an obnoxious American. I also made her watch that movie with Claire Danes where she and her friend wind up in a foreign prison because of drug smuggling. So hopefully Dani won't let her bags out of her site at all.

Squeezing it all in

Josh leaves for his first set of travel weeks right before Independence Day. He's going to Australia, where two of his friends live. Plus his parents have family friends there. It seems like all people of a certain socio-economic level have international friends, but I can't figure out how they get them.

Then he'll be back for a little while before going to Europe. He will be away when Danielle is in Italy, so it'll just be me and Alex. It's going to be so much fun hanging out with Alex. She already asked if we can sleep together when everyone else leaves. I'm just happy she didn't ask if we can also dress the same every day too. Starting July 4th, my tutoring rate goes up by $15 an hour for current people, and $25 for new people (who hopefully won't be in shock). I was so hugely nervous telling the parents I was raising my rates that it took over a month to work up to, but nobody was upset. Some just said okay, and others were like, "I always thought you were under-charging!"

Because Josh is going away so much, he told me the other day he's sad he won't see me a lot. So today he came to meet me for lunch, and then came back at the end of my workday to walk me home before we go running. He won't go with me to work though, because that's too early in the morning.

When Josh came for lunch, he hadn't told me, and I'd brought my lunch. He showed up with a tupperware and said it was a snack for me, but when I tried to look, Josh wouldn't let me. He said to put it in the fridge for later, and then confessed he carefully held it straight the entire way there. He'd drawn a heart in chocolate and then put in bananas sliced into hearts, strawberries sliced into hearts and blueberries. It must have taken him all morning.

When Josh left after lunch, he took the lunch I'd brought to work, home with him. He ate it for a snack, and then still ate a full dinner.

Shopping rich-people style

When Josh asked me to go clothing shopping with him I thought it meant we'd go to JCrew or somewhere and spend an hour picking out polos and t-shirts. Josh's rich-boy friends are always wearing t-shirts that are supposed to imply they're tough and dangerous. Bronx Boxing. As if any of them have ever let anyone punch them in the same faces that go to the dermatologist every month.

No. Josh has a personal shopper at a department store. He has fancy dressing rooms, separate from the masses. They have cushy chairs and offer you champagne. They pulled things in his sizes and put them on a big rack. There was no limit to the number of things Josh was allowed to take in the dressing room. Nobody counted each pair of pants, separating them to make sure nothing was balled up to be stolen later.

The women were so nice. Jeremy, the personal dude shopper (as Josh called him) told me I could go into the little dressing room with him, but I was embarrassed. Instead I sat outside next to his rack of clothes and studied, while every so often telling Josh he looked pretty. He spent over $1100. On clothes. For the summer.

Then I went to a fire family dinner with my sisters, where we were given a garbage bag that had sweatshirts smelling of cat pee on them.

It's public school!

Alex goes to a public school. She has to pay for school supplies. She qualifies for free lunch. The end. Her school is having an auction two weeks from now. Apparently it's a Big Deal, and how the school raises over 60% of some portion of their budget. Alex has been coming home almost every day it seems, reminding me about the auction. Everyone is going. Everyone is bidding on stuff. Alex desperately wants to go. So go. Yeah, except apparently you have to buy tickets to attend the auction. Tickets that cost $40 each.

To which I say fuck that. So I'm supposed to spend, at minimum, almost $100 just to go to something and then you're supposed to spend even MORE money, competing against other people to see who can spend the most to get something probably worth half of what you spent? I don't understand this. Don't people go to public school because they can't afford rich, private school types of things?

Alex told me every single teacher asks every single kid if they're going. So this week when school starts back up again I am sending her with a note for her guidance counselor asking him to tell her teachers we can not afford tickets, and even if we had tickets we wouldn't be able to afford to bid on things, so we're not going, and to please stop hounding her about it. I am so over hearing about the damn auction.

The only in too many ways

To me, Old Navy is nice, Gap is fancy, and JCrew is super fancy. There's really nothing above that, but there's tons below it. Tonight was the first Passover seder and I wore the fancy clothes Josh's parents got me for Christmas (this feels sacrilegious somehow), the ones I wear to work every week. Josh got new clothes for Passover, as did his parents. From listening to people talk around the table, everyone did except me and my sisters. I went on my awesome Florida vacation in January. Everyone else it seems, goes on a vacation every month to two months. Everyone is, at all times, planning a vacation. Everyone is, at all times, just getting home from a vacation.

Most everything I've got is from somewhere in New York. Some of my jewelry is technically probably from Italy because I bet my nana gave some to my mom and I have some of hers, but as far as I'm concerned, it's all from Brooklyn where I first saw it. Some of these people wear jewelry that looks so heavy I wonder if their wrists have extra muscle tone so the rings don't keep making their hands flop down. Alex has perfected the art of, "I like your ring! Can I try it on?" but she is 13 and too old, even though everyone always seems charmed and lets her do it.

I made coconut macaroons (and whipped cream, which Laurie specifically asked for) at home to bring to the seder. The other people either didn't bring anything or brought really fancy things from stores I've never heard of and can't afford. Most of the time I'm totally fine with being me, and happy with everything I have. But sometimes, like when the ninth person is telling me I "must" see Paris this spring before it gets too hot, or check out a specific island in (on?) Hawaii, or get to Israel while it's still relatively safe, standing in the bathroom to cry for a minute is needed.

Because even though they seem nice to my face I can't help but wonder if they are whispering to their spouses that at the last gathering wasn't I wearing the exact same corduroy skirt? And I would really, really rather if they felt that way, they were just obvious in their looking down on me, and not nice to my face. They must know - I mean I can feel my face get funny when they say I have to go places and do things that I'll probably never have the chance to do. Even though I try to smile and joke that I'll make a note of it.

I should be more like my sister. She flat-out lies. "You know, I've been to Paris in the spring and didn't really think much of it!"