Sharing is ... job appropriate?

Today I had to go to lunch with the scary partner. I think she sort of likes me. It was not the best day for me to meet with her though, because I have two horrendous mosquito bites - one on the side of my thigh and one on the back of my hand. My hand is totally swollen and odd-looking. I kept it in my lap as much as possible.

We went to Landmarc in the Time Warner Building. Any time somebody is taking me to lunch I always aim to find out what they're going to order so I can make sure their meal will cost more than mine. Almost as soon as we started looking at menus, she grinned at me, "Let's share an appetizer!" Um, well okay. Then we both ordered entrees that cost the exact same thing. I got scallops, mostly because I knew they'd be easy to eat with my non-dominant hand (which is not swollen from a mosquito bite).

Then, when the waiter asked if we wanted dessert, I started to say no thank you, and she told him, "Just surprise us!" She was almost giddy; it was weird. But our conversation was pretty normal. I have decided that making small talk with real grownups is an actual skill that needs to be practiced and cultivated. The waiter brought us a cheese plate and a big dish that had mini-versions of each dessert. I took one bite of every single one.

To be honest though, it was really weird to be sharing food with someone from work. Do most people do this? Normally I only share food with my sisters or Josh. 

VIP clients

The scary partner drinks some sort of super complicated coffee. One of those "half-caf venti no foam low fat skim blah blah." I am an immature child who secretly does not like coffee (except Vietnamese) so I ordered a small hot chocolate. Yes, in the summer heat. The partner kind of smirked when I ordered. Whatever.

It was not clear if her friend became a client or her client became a friend. Regardless though, she has a special client who is also a friend and she is handpicking the people she wants working on this job. Weirdly, I am the only white person on this team. Should be interesting.

Today I got home from work really late. I called Alex and told her a super easy dinner to make - you spice and brown some meat, pour in some gravy, make spinach, dump both things in a pie dish, layer mozzarella cheese over it, bake the whole thing. Alex made a salad during the baking time and that was dinner. There wasn't any left over so I guess everyone liked it.

Too tired to make a real dinner, I put together a plate of cheese, peach slices, carrot sticks and cherries. There was serious consideration of eating chocolate pudding afterwards, but I was too tired. 

Hovering and shoveling

The scary partner sent word that she wanted to speak with me today. I wasn't on a client today so spent 10 hours hovering around the partner's office. Every so often I stuck my head in, but she was always on the phone or already talking with someone. There was nowhere to sit right near her office, so I found space down the hall and sent an email explaining where I was sitting. All day. I wish she could have just held up a post-it while on the phone that said "Nothing bad!" Am I waiting around to be fired? Did I horribly screw up with a client? Did I miss something huge? DID I FORGET TO FRESHEN UP IN A POWDER ROOM?

An hour ago the partner reached out (that's 11:30 at night) to me with, "Let's meet for coffee tomorrow. 7:30?" Um, seriously? Normally I work out in the morning and by 7:30 I'm just getting in the shower, aiming to leave home at 7:50. Working out is not going to happen tomorrow because I just don't want to get up that early. When I told Josh, he pointed out that you don't make it to partner rolling into the office at 10:30. He also suggested I take an Uber so I don't show up subway-sweaty for coffee. Can I expense this? No, right? Since it can't get billed to a client? I wish she'd let me know earlier so I could work out tonight to get some of the nervous energy out. If I get fired, then I'll definitely be available for whenever Josh reschedules our Spain trip.

In cancer news ... this yoga-speak shit is slowly killing me. I don't know why it bothers me so much and I can't just find it funny like Alex does. She lives for this shit. Today Josh's sister mentioned that Laurie was "so incredibly moved, that there was an energetic shift that was quite powerful" after she received a card from someone. Really? REALLY?! How on earth can she keep shoveling this shit? Does she honestly believe the crap that comes out of her mouth? 

18 Weeks

There are 18 weeks of chemo. I don't understand so much of what is going on, and it feels like I'm just walking around with my jaw on the floor staring in shock at everything.

Laurie is taking anti-depressants. When she's taking them regularly, she's sort of okay. Then she thinks she's okay, goes off them, and spirals horribly. Laurie's seeing a special cancer therapist, but is super phony-positive to the point that Josh went with her one day to be like "Here's what's REALLY going on." He told me Laurie walked in and greeted the therapist by gushing "Look at you! That is the most DARLING pantsuit ever!" Wtf is that? She's so deep in denial about what's going on. Laurie also keeps going through all these crazy diets super fast, to the point it's hard for us to keep up. One week she's not eating meat, the next week only vegetables. My head is spinning.

Josh's sister has moved back, sort of temporarily. She's ... weird. She's a yoga instructor. Who seems to rarely shower. She travels a lot. She talks a lot about being real, in a way that implies nobody but her is. I am keeping my mouth shut because this is Josh's sister, but you know what's real? The $12 of organic strawberries I bought that you scarfed down while at our house.

She also has that rich-people dismissive way of talking that I hate. Everyone is spending a LOT of time at our house and she will say things like "Sam, I think my mom would like some tea. And I'll have some too, thanks."

Laurie has chemo on Mondays and then around Thursdays feels well enough to run around own. She spends the early part of the week at our house. Please don't ask me why - I don't know. She lays around watching Netflix, napping, snacking and talking to us. Yesterday Laurie announced to us, in the middle of the day, that she wanted carrot cake. Josh ordered a cake at Whole Foods and told me he paid over the phone and could I pick it up on my way home. The bakery lady showed me the cake when I went to pick it up. It said FUCK CANCER across the top. Um. There was no way I was going to hand this to Laurie. I can not use the word fuck in front of them.

So that's what is going on. Every day when I come home from work, I have no clue who exactly will be here. Or what mood they'll be in. Sometimes Laurie thinks she's going to kick cancer's ass, and sometimes she's convinced she's dying. Last week she was convinced she was having a heart attack and trying to insist she be driven to their vacation house two hours away. My head is spinning on a regular basis. 

All the Big Feelings

A girl at work had what seems like a nervous breakdown today. She had to go home early and everything. This really pissed off another girl, which pissed me off.

Basically, between Robin Williams killing himself and the way the police are handling themselves in St. Louis, last week was really intense. Today this girl was going on and on about how scary it is, how she can't sleep, she looks at police differently, etc. The catch? She's white. She basically worked herself into a tizzy (I am a terrible person because of wondering if she was faking it to cut out of work early) and got sent home.

The girl who got pissed off is black. She started going on and on about white privilege and how spoiled rich white bitches have no right to be upset or scared. For the most part I agree with her, but I didn't need to hear her bitch about it for three hours straight, and finally just packed up my stuff and left to finish working at home.

I'm reading this book that takes place in a concentration camps during WWII, and when it got really intense I started to calm down by thinking, "Well it was hell, but it can't ever happen again." But then I realized ... people probably thought a lot of the things going on in Ferguson couldn't happen, after all the work done in the 60's. So maybe the girl from work is right to be scared. Maybe none of us are safe, after all.

Time to get an attack-service dog

My friend Bianca always gets attacked by mosquitoes. She gives off some pheromone or something that makes them seek her out. Even in a room full of other people Bianca will be the only one to get bitten.

I think Alex has a special victim pheromone. She got mugged yesterday - some guy followed her into the building and was punching her while trying to steal her keys. The doorman came back from his break or wherever he was and pulled the guy off Alex and threw him out. This is not her first mugging. It needs to be the last. Josh and I are signing her up for krav maga. Alex needs to get more aggressive.

Yes, all women

When we lived in the South Bronx it was never apartments that had doormen. I never unlocked the door to the building if a man was walking behind me, or towards me. Same thing in the hallway in front of the apartment. I never held the door open for anyone. In ninth grade my social studies teacher told us about how she held the apartment door open for the man who turned out to be her mugger.

This weekend I realized my sisters never got a serious talk about this stuff. I made a mental note to do it. Today I was coming home from work when I saw Alex almost a block ahead of me. We have a doorman so I was really surprised to see her walk right by our place and keep going. She stopped half a block past our apartment and started digging in her bag. I ran to catch up with her as Al was pulling out her cell phone.

"I didn't recognize the doorman. Is he new?" she asked me. So proud. Guess we don't need to have that talk.

Decision time

Tomorrow I am wearing my best outfit, and Dani has agreed to flat iron my hair for me. Then, I am going to go talk to Scary Partner and ask her if when you're out after work at a bar with work people if somebody says rude things about you that's still considered a problem for the company to handle. Except I may go to Plan B which is to chicken out.

Quick

Tell me everything I need to know about traveling for work! I had to work Saturday and got told I may get sent to a business trip. To say I am panicking would be like saying there was a small kerfluffle in Russia. What if I have to share a hotel room with the manager on the project? That will be so awkward!

It could always be worse

When you're told during training that if you work past a certain time you can spend a certain amount on dinner, you think "Oh, well that won't happen that much, it's probably just in case." When you're told that if you work past a certain time at night you can take a car service or cab to get home, you think, "That's so sweet of them, to want to be sure you get home safely."

No. This is not "just in case" stuff. Everyone at home was reaching out to me. "What's planned for dinner?" "I'm hungry; how long after you get home will dinner be ready?" At first I was saying a half hour, then a half hour more. Then I told Alex to make the salad. Danielle could marinate the fish.

Finally I went to the manager and asked how she saw the night unfolding. (That was my attempt at asking how long we'd have to stay without actually saying that.) When she told me it would be a few more hours I let my sisters know they should eat dinner without me.

I was sitting in front of a bunch of spreadsheets feeling sorry for myself when I heard this guy Neil. "Why am I logged out? Why can't I log in? To ANYTHING? Why aren't any of my log-ins working?" The manager looked up. "Because you're FIRED!"

She was kidding. It was a glitch. But holy shit can you imagine? I can not stop thanking the universe that was not me.

Allowed out

Basically I have to pack all my clothes. Last night Laurie came over and went through the apartment with us, helping to pack what we don't want to risk being ruined (or stolen). So all our mom's and nana's stuff is now in Josh's bedroom.

There are a Lot of Big Feelings about gathering it all up, putting it all in a box and putting the box in somebody's house. Somebody else's house that's not mine. If there was a way of traveling with it through Europe that would be my vote. Despite the shittiness of how Alex and I are (not) getting along, I keep reminding myself she will be with our stuff and really keep it safe. Over and over. And over again.

Also, I can't believe they just let you walk right out of the country. No GPS implanted or anything. Doesn't the US care about me? I've lived here my whole life! I don't litter! I compost! Why doesn't the US want to make sure I know where I'm going? Don't they care if I get lost?

They are just going to let me go strolling away. They don't even care how long I'm going to be gone.

Raining and pouring

Josh broke his fingers playing basketball. I woke up with a sore throat Saturday morning and now have a cold. This morning Josh was making us an omelette and dropped the frying pan right as he was about to plate the food. The comedy of errors just continued that way for both of us throughout the rest of the day. When we compared pathetic moments, it was agreed we'd just order in pizza.

I paid, closed the door, and in handing the box to Josh we both dropped it face down on the floor.

Convinced I would slip in the shower, hit my head and die, I am in bed dirty, having not showered. We're both thinking of staying home tomorrow. Not making any sudden moves. Not touching anything that can break, not using the oven or stove or knives. Maybe we'll order matching helmets.

Stand still

This week is spring break. I didn't go away. I don't smell like sunscreen. I am not wearing jeans shorts below my hip bones with a bikini top. Not because I wasn't invited, because I was. Twice. Because I felt like I needed to stay home. No concrete reason why. Just a feeling. I hate feelings. Feelings suck and are pale rather than tan.

My friend pointed out this is our last spring break. That after this year we'll probably have to work and be all serious and shit. That instead of having three months off for summer and one month off around Christmas, we'll be lucky to even get three weeks off all year.

Maybe that's what it was. If I am calm and non-busy enough to think about it, then I feel guilty for not being too busy to think. There's a little more than a month and a half left of school, then finals. Then being a grownup. Forever.

At some point Monday night, Josh's dad and I were talking and he told me, "You know that when you start your real job, you can't tutor anymore, right?" Ohhh. It kind of hadn't really occurred to me. I guess my real job will go up to dinnertime. Every day. Every. Single. Day. What if I have ADD and can't concentrate that long? What if I hate it?

Is this why people go to graduate school? So they can keep having spring breaks?

Trauma

We had a fire family dinner tonight. We were talking about the damage from the hurricane, and how things have changed. I mentioned something about 9/11 and our firefighter was like "Oh, TOTALLY!" and talked about how this is bringing up so many of the same feelings - of total shock and having to get used to this new reality but also knowing this new reality will change soon into a different new reality soon, but not being sure what that different new reality will look like. He also said how weird it is for people that money can't buy electricity or gasoline - it doesn't matter who you are - if it's not your day to go to the gas station you just can't go (unless you're Donald Trump).

He asked me later if I'm cringing at the sound of airplanes. When I admitted I am, he told me he is too. We talked about how hard it is to breathe when you're scared. He told me some of the calming down stuff he does. It made me feel better to know a real professional is having problems with this too. It has been feeling like there has been screaming going on inside my head all this time and now it's a lot quieter.

Madison and Paul went home on Saturday. Their house had electricity by like Wednesday - they just felt like it was more fun to be staying with us in the city than at their home in Jersey with their parents. We were good hostesses despite how we started to feel.

Helping too much

Madison and Paul have been here since the weekend. Their house had no electricity or heat and they are having a lot of fun here. They are twins and good guests. I'm not just saying that because they clean the kitchen and empty the garbage. Today Madison was too good a guest - she cleaned out the refrigerator so much that she threw out food that hadn't gone bad. Just because bananas have brown on the skin it doesn't mean you can't use them.

In my old age I am getting soft (good thing I'm a girl, right?) because it didn't make me angry. Now I am totally the type of person to pluck a banana right out of the garbage and use it - hey, that's what the skin is for. I wouldn't do this with all foods, but one where you don't eat the outside? Sure. Josh has caught me doing this, and at first freaked out, but now has a military stance on it - he wants to pretend he doesn't know. I managed to resist the urge when Madison threw out the bananas today, and Josh gave me a look like "Thank you for not embarrassing me."

Danielle and I went to donate blood today. I was going to go yesterday and then realized with my anemia I wasn't sure if it was okay, so I called the doctor and was waiting for him to get back to me. Dani wanted to watch me do the blood donation first, and then decide if she was going to do it. It really hurt. Maybe you're not supposed to say that. Maybe you're supposed to be so blissed out at doing this good deed that there's no pain, but fuck that. It hurt, and not just when the needle went in either. When they finished somebody brought me orange juice and a cookie, insisting I finish the juice before getting up out of the chair. Dani chickened out. I don't blame her, now that I know how painful it is. Kind of wish I'd chickened out too.

Maybe it would have happened anyway, but I was in a really sad mood afterwards and when we heard about the Army truck that ran red lights and then ran over a man in Chinatown on Canal Street, I cried. Word is it was a really horrible, drawn out death. I think the Army was trying to help too much today too.

Deep inside

Something happened at school today. Alex came home, kicked off her shoes, went into her room and closed the door without talking to anybody. She did not eat dinner. She will not talk to anybody. She has not taken a shower. She is laying in bed, deep under the covers with just some hair sticking out.

It's always really upsetting when Alex is in a bad mood, because it's so startling and different from how she normally is. It's also kind of scary for her to not talk, because she also didn't talk in the fall of 2001. For a long, long time.

I have a feeling Al's not going to school tomorrow. She is freaking me out so much that I want to stay home with her, but I have a test and a meeting with a professor. Maybe after that. With somebody else you'd just be like "suck it up" but she is just never like this.  Josh suggested that Alex is PMSing. He's still alive.

After I crawled into bed, Josh got up to make sure the lights and oven were off, front door was locked. When he came back he told me Danielle was not in her bed. I guess she's taking this seriously too because Josh found Dani smushed in with Alex in her bed. This made me happy because I'd wanted to go sleep with Alex but felt like I couldn't, so I'm glad at least Dani is. Also it is kind of touching that Josh checks my sisters before he goes to bed for the night. 

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Fall is when you find out if you get a job after you graduate. I guess if the accounting firm doesn't offer me a job, I will ask Arnie if he'll hire me. Hopefully he doesn't decide there's something horrible about me if the accounting firm doesn't hire me that it makes him not want me either.

Josh said I should contact the scary partner but I don't know what to say to her. "Will you please hire me?" What if she says no and then lists all the ways I sucked over the summer? What if she can't remember who I am? That would be so embarrassing.

If nobody will give me a job my plan is to sneak across the border and go be homeless in Mexico. At least it's hot there, so you don't need a lot of clothes.

Public safety

I wore my favorite work shirt. Got Dani to do my hair better than I can do it myself. Kept repeating that thing about how when you're nervous about being with someone always meet with them in public - they're less likely to go off that way. Mid-morning I felt sick and went to the restrooms to throw up. I put water on the back of my neck and insides of my wrists. Thought about going home early, except that there are barely any days left and I don't want their last impression of me to be "that girl who wimped out," so I chewed minty gum and tried to feel better.

At the exact time we were supposed to go to lunch the partner went speed-walking by me and announced, "Ten minutes, and I'll be ready." As we walked out she asked, "You like sushi?" I am quite certain sushi is not a good idea after puking, although maybe Japanese people feel differently. Of course I said yes anyway. Miso soup and rice. Pretended I love it. She told me all about her kids. Told me all about when she was in college.

Then we went back. I remembered to say thank you. She didn't yell at me.

Getting lazy for last days

It feels like the internship has only bee for like two weeks, but it also feel like it's been months and months. Today I got in 13 minutes early and leaned back in my chair and french-braided my wet hair. I wasn't all the way finished when I heard somebody walked towards me, so just wrapped the hair that was left in a bun at the bottom with my ponytail holder. It was just another intern! Seriously considered taking the bun out and finishing but decided not to.

Turned out everyone was feeling lazy today, not just me. Somebody showed up in jeans. Dark wash, but still. A guy sat at his desk slurping soup during lunch. A girl spent almost two hours making personal calls. It's like we're all burned out and mentally finished working.

That scary partner came whizzing by and then back-tracked to me. "Last day soon, huh?" I nodded. "Let's go to lunch tomorrow then." Wait, what? What if she screams at me at lunch? Is this like a date, where since she invited me, she pays? I guess I need to dress extra-nice tomorrow. Probably should bring extra money too. Shit.

Sisterly synchronized tumbling passes

This should be a new Olympic sport. Josh thinks Mckayla Whatever, the gymnast, smiles in a way that says "Yeah, I'll pose for Playboy as soon as I'm 18, sure." We will assume this is a guy thing, that all guys look at girls and consider whether they'd be down to pose naked?

My sister is coming to pick me up at work tomorrow. Dani wanted to come up and see reception, but I told her to wait in the lobby. Not really sure why having her come up would be a bad idea, but it felt wrong.

Today I had to work with this partner who has a corner office. Everybody hates her because she's so yelly and supposedly makes even people with real jobs, cry. I made sure to get in a little early and was standing in her doorway at exactly 8:59 a.m.  When the partner looked over I got super nervous and gave her this ridiculous shit-eating grin. She smiled back at me, kind of laughing and told me to go get her a coffee. When I brought it, she handed me papers with a post-it that had a name on it and told me to deliver them. After I came back from that, she immediately had another thing for me to do. That's how the entire day went. Rapid-fire, one thing after another. It seemed like the only two words I said all day to her were "Hi" and "Okay."

It made me really nervous that all she did was keep barking out demands, all day long. There was no yelling on her part and no crying on mine, so maybe today was a success. Usually if you work a lot with one person you'll get some kind of feedback, so tomorrow I might find out if she didn't talk to me because she hated me.