Races, parties, and euphamisms

So here's something totally crazy: I graduate soon. Like with a college degree. Did you ever run in a race and feel like you were running as absolutely fast as you could, but notice everyone else is just zooming right past you and they all seem to be having a ton more fun running than you are? That's what college has seemed like.

Except that now the finish line is clearly less than a block away and it turns out not everybody got there. Oh, and not everybody has plans after the race. Now everyone is on autopilot getting to the finish line and it's super awkward talking about the parties after the race because you don't know who's invited. Sometimes, when people find out you got into a party, they want to know if you can get them in too. When you say you can't, they push you to ask, and with some people it makes you worry the friendship just died. 

Emergency dinner

Becca called me this morning saying she needed to see me and then invited herself over for dinner. I am always happy for an excuse to think about food and cook! Becca's got some Italian in her so that was my excuse to make an Italian dinner.  I emailed a list to Alex, telling her to buy stuff. After school and tutoring I rushed home and took frozen gravy out to defrost.

We have so many tomatoes that doing bruschetta was an easy choice for an appetizer. With the rest of the bread I did regular garlic bread. As soon as Josh came home I put him to work forming the meatballs while I cut off herbs (we have three tiny plants on the kitchen window sill that get used all the time).

One of these days I want to make cannoli again but that may be a weekend project. Not really a rush home and throw it together project. You know, every time somebody comes over for dinner they always seem so weirded out that we cook. One time I went to somebody's house and they took boxed, frozen fish sticks out of the freezer. Is everybody eating crap for all of college?

Becca thinks I'm crazy for making my own salad dressing, but I think people are crazy to eat so much crappy food. She had a fit when she found out I make my own croutons too. We had baked ziti and meatballs and salad. Not in that order. Becca told me Jackie called her, and they talked. Jackie claimed she thought Becca would want to know. We had a big discussion about how much we can trust Jackie. The ultimate decision sadly, is not much at all.

Demi dancer

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The grind is my friend

I don't know if there is really senioritis in college, but if there is I definitely have it. Everything just seems so much easier this year.

My sisters getting home alone doesn't panic me. I don't worry at every second that Arnie will fire me. Everything that happens at school? I understand it, or can figure it out. My two best friends from school got in a big fight and broke up, and originally I was going to stay friends with both separately, but one became friends with this other girl I dislike and totally don't trust so I'm putting some distance between us.

It's like all the puzzle pieces aren't quite in place yet, but you can see the puzzle taking shape. Dani is satisfied with her private bedroom. Sometimes she calls it "my private wing of the residence." She wants everybody to knock before going in, even when the door is open. Every time Alex gets yelled at for bad behavior, she apologizes by saying, "I'm sorry; I'm just acting out because I'm so lonely from living in isolation." She's like 15% kidding and 85% serious.

All it is going to take to graduate is putting one foot in front of the other for like nine more months. I wonder if that's how easy it is to be pregnant.

Hello, I am a college senior

Seriously, I never ever thought I would make it this far in the whole college thing. Back then I figured maybe the first semester would go okay, but definitely it would all die out by the end of that first year. I even had a backup plan tucked away in my brain for when I failed college and got kicked out - the plan was to work a bullshit job until enough money was saved up and then go to bartending school and become a bartender full time.

And living with a boy? Pretty convinced that would explode and die by then too. Actually I thought my sisters and I would get kicked out at the latest, by the start of 2010. That Josh and I would not be able to work, that we are just way too different. I still feel that way to be honest. If tomorrow Josh told me this wasn't working and we needed to break up it wouldn't surprise me. When I talked to my sister about this, Alex patted me on the head. "Don't think too much. Thinking ruins you."

Dani overheard, what with being in the same bedroom and all, and she agreed. According to her, I am a workhorse, and that is my best quality. Danielle went on and on about how I'm not that smart or particularly talented in any specific way, but can plod along on course, constantly breaking down overwhelming things into tiny, doable steps.

Regardless of which one of them is right, somehow I have gotten here. To a place where I've lived with a boy for three years, in the home stretch of college. Right now, I don't even feel like I need the diploma, to graduate. It's already a success to me.

Resolutions

I'm not really into things like New Year's resolutions. Except the last few months, I keep thinking of things that fall into the category of "Really gotta get on that..." Since that list is kept in my head and my head is stuffed, I keep forgetting so I'm always walking around triple-checking that my keys are in my pocket, my professor's email address was typed correctly when I emailed in my paper. It's exhausting to always feel like you're forgetting something, to consistently have a low-level of panic that something is slipping through the cracks but you're not sure what.

1. find the book about inspiring through motivation instead of fear professor suggested
2. do better with making friends and doing stuff with them
3. make sure to buy fewer black clothes when buying
4. get everyone to help more consistently
5. find replacement word for retarded
6. help Dani plot out college calendar
7. eat more consistently
8. work out most days

That's it. 

An honest job

My mom never wanted any of us to work at fast food restaurants. I'm not sure if it's because their food is crap and she thought if we worked there we'd be more likely to eat there, or she had some other reason. So far she's gotten her wish though, and it looks good for the future. We're wrong, but my sisters and I always joke about having a job at Burger King as being the worst thing in the world, as if that's the ultimate sign of failure. Of course it's not, of course it's a perfectly honest job, a job you have to physically work hard at, a job that is legal and moral.

The other day this boy Chris came over. We went to high school together and he'd run into Dani at the beginning of the month and told her to have me get in touch. So it was the day after Christmas and he showed up. When he walked past me to come inside, I noticed he smelled bad. Like sweat. No, like dirty sweat. Clean sweat smells kind of good. Also, he smelled like cigarettes and weed.

I couldn't remember where Chris wound up going to college, so I apologized and asked. He laughed and talked about failing out in his first semester. Chris asked if I'm still working at the diner, so I filled him in on the office gig and tutoring. He told me about how he's been going on vacation two or three times a year and was kind of boasting about it. He clearly wanted me to be jealous, and I was. Finally I asked how he was affording all these trips to Florida and Mexico.

The answer? By pimping himself out. He blows guys for money. My jaw was on the floor. Apparently Chris has two regulars hiring him every week who pay very well (really? do guys pay guys more for oral than they pay girls? because the hookers i grew up knowing probably only got around $30 or so for a blowjob) and a few random extra people. I asked if Chris does ass sex too, and he got all indignant about not being gay. I didn't ask then why is he blowing guys, but wanted to.

At some point I told Chris, "Of all things, this is definitely not the direction I saw you going in." He laughed. "Hey, it's an honest job. Nothing more pure and basic than sex, right?"  Umm ... actually ...

The glass Chris drank out of is on the counter with a piece of paper taped to it that says "Don't drink out of me." I am not sure it's possible to wash it thoroughly enough.

The road not taken

When we were in Cambridge we went to the Harvard campus. It was very much a Gilmore Girls moment, except I wasn't Rory; Josh was.

Josh is outrageously smart, in that way where he can put in minimal effort to get impressive results. During finals, I'll stay up until 4am studying, and then review on the way to school. Josh will study until maybe 1am and then claim the important thing is to be well-rested for his tests.When Josh's GPA dropped to a flat B one semester he decided that wasn't good enough, so he just studied an extra few hours each week to bring it up. If my GPA drops, I lose scholarships, so I study about five hours a day.

He didn't have to go to the #4 university. I asked Josh if he's sad that he didn't go to the best school he could have. "No." I asked if he'd tell me if he was. "No." I didn't want to push him; I'm scared the real answer might be yes. Later, Josh told me that his school will look impressive enough on a resume, and more important than that will be the connections he has, so that's why he doesn't mind staying home to go to school. My life is a thousand times easier because Josh stays, and I really hope he never resents his decision.

Summer school: not always a punishment

When Josh's dad and I met up it was just for a quick cup of coffee. Sometimes I tell Josh things and then I find out later he's told his parents when they bring it up to me. It's a bit disconcerting. Hopefully he doesn't tell them any embarrassing sex things.

On Friday Tom wanted to talk to me about summer school. I'd mentioned it to Josh a while ago - that I wanted to take classes and squeeze in an extra semester somehow, and it seems like this is one of those things he told his parents. Tom explained that if I want to take summer classes, if I get a B or better in all of them, they will reimburse me all the costs, including books. I screamed yes and jumped on Tom to hug him thank you. Some random girl got all excited and was like, "Oh my god, did you just get engaged?!" Even better.

There's a limit to how many classes they'll let you take during the two summer sessions, but I bet I can squeeze in extra classes enough to graduate a semester early. So excited!

Didn't even have to use my AK

Yesterday I slept late. Went swimming at school with my sister. Shared a fruit smoothie on the way home. Talked to my boyfriend's friend's girlfriend, who was there when we got back from swimming. Tried to think of things to say when she cried that a friend dumped her.

I read part of a book. Played a board game with the other sister. Went to a fire family bbq and ate a lot of really good food. Got to listen to some Topher stories when two other fire families dropped by. Got off the train a stop early to walk off some of the food we ate. Sat outside waiting for - and then watching - the fireworks. On the way home stopped to get donuts. A block from our front door, found out we'd gotten three free munchkins.

Summer working

It is such a nice breath of fresh air to just be doing the real estate job and tutoring without going to school. It's easier to feel like I'm doing a good job at each thing that gets done.

When we were at Craig's, he asked if I'd considered taking summer classes, saying that it's like six weeks to do a whole semester, and an easy way to bang out credits. I hadn't. I thought of summer school as being for people who failed and need to re-take a class. But when I looked into it today I realized if I'd done summer school then college might be finished in three years instead of four. Once again I fucked up. How come I never know about these things and always have to hear about them from other people after it's too late?

Now eating: blueberries and strawberries
Now listening to: Nick Cave
Now wearing: one of Josh's t-shirts - it says Brooklyn on it.

Not supposed to be fun

Today I had three people from school come over while we studied for finals. We stopped at the corner store and bought drinks, M&Ms, popcorn, apples and celery.

Probably pretty dorky to say this, but I had a lot of fun. It made me so happy to have people over. I didn't have to ask anybody. Well, I did call Josh to tell him and ask if he minded, but I knew he'd be fine with it. As my sisters came home they looked at us, sprawled on the couches and floor in the living room, and they plopped down on the floor to do their homework with us.

Almost done

It turns out that in college you don't actually have to go to classes. At least, that is what other people are telling me, and doing. I can't quite bring myself to do it. So many other people are paying for me to be here that if I'm not going to take advantage of what they're giving me I feel like there better be a very good reason. Plus all the professors keep saying this is the time to ask questions about anything we don't understand, so this seems like exactly the time to be going to class.

Basically all that's left is a few more classes and finals and that's all. I will have finished an entire year of college. Craig called today to see how things are going. We played phone tag all afternoon and in his last voice mail he said he'd like to take me out for Italian ices when I finish my last final.

I think I'm going to get all B+'s or A-'s. Some professors barely give any tests except for the midterm and final so it's hard to be sure how you're doing. But somebody told me if you turn in all your work and show up for every class then you're pretty much guaranteed a C. I know my bio professor noticed an improvement about a month after Dani started tutoring me.

School is stressful. I am looking forward to just working every day.

What's that?

There's some sort of winter sports competition thing going on? Oh, I had no idea. Today school is closed and work is closed. I did five tutorings today. My throat hurt by the time I got home. Danielle has been really good about being serious with teaching me math and it turns out she's a good teacher. Yesterday I took her to Dylan's Candy as a thank you, and we wound up staying there talking for three hours. It was fun. Although Dani dropped the bomb that she wants to go to NYIT for college. I guess she's been thinking about this for a long time because Danielle also told me she wants to go to their summer jump start program after she gets in. I am trying not to freak out but am kind of overwhelmed at the idea of having to get someone else into college while getting through my own life. At least I will be done by the time Alex starts so we won't have to juggle all three of us at the same time.

Long, mathy day

My math professor asked me to stay after today and when everyone had left she told me it seemed like I was confused every time she looked over at me. Then she sat and just looked, waiting for me to respond. I told her I really like her style and I'm totally paying attention but I get about 80% of the way to understanding concepts and then ... don't. They all just slide away from me.

She asked to see my notes, so I opened my book and showed her. It felt very uncomfortable standing there waiting while she reviewed my notes. Finally she gave me back my book and sighed while she laced her fingers and put her hands in her lap.

Then she leaned back and looked at a book on her desk, and I realized she didn't have my name memorized. "Samantha, I think you need help. Get a tutor. If you get a good one, it'll pull you up to where you need to be."

So I looked into tutors and it turns out they cost money. Know who doesn't cost money? My little sister who's like the biggest math and science nerd I know. Tonight I showed Dani what we're doing in class now, and after about 30 seconds she nodded and walked away saying, "Oh yeah, we did this last year." Yeah, that'd be last year as in ninth grade.

Dani wanted to bargain, and I let her talk me into paying her $15 a week plus making her lunches three days a week.

College is funny

You know how in high school any time a kid makes a joke the teachers get angry and yell about them interrupting and being voted class wiseass or whatever?

Well, in college it's completely different - they totally appreciate it if you break up their day with funny shit. In one of my lectures the teacher closes the door before he starts and if you're late, you aren't allowed to open the door and come in.

Today he started to close the door and we heard some kid screaming, "NOOOOOOO!" from outside and while the professor had his hand on the door about to close it, this boy took like a flying leap and DOVE through the doorway on his stomach, sliding across where hallway meets classroom.

Right as he looked up one other kid stood up and yelled, "Safe!" The girl sitting next to me leaned over and said, "This is exactly why I moved here from Pennsylvania - nothing like this ever happens there." The part that I really liked wasn't that - it was a half hour later when the "umpire" started running across the bottom row of seats trying to get the entire lecture hall to do the wave. The professor kind of giggled and kept going. It's nice that humor gets appreciated in college.

Kinda embarrassing

but I need friends. I need a group of girls to talk with. My sisters and Josh are great but not enough. Sometimes I need to bitch about them. Sometimes I just want more ... other like, more choices than just the three of them. How do other people who go to school and work have time for friends?

Despite making it a goal to get in bed by midnight ages ago I still haven't been able to do that. I changed it to at least getting ready for bed by midnight but the truth is even if I get into bed at 12:30 I still bring at least one subject of homework to bed.

What would really help is either an extra four hours inside of each day (between 4-6pm) or an extra day and a half each week (between Sunday and Monday would be best). Then I would have enough time for everything. The way things are now it's just doing the absolute least you can get away with doing for each thing and barely having time for them.

Tonight in the shower I was thinking about when school ramps up again and my chest started to hurt. If anyone is going to die of a heart attack before they're old enough to drink it's going to be me.

If you panic too much do you explode?

Finals start tomorrow. I've stuffed my brain with as much information as possible. Fish has been consumed extra times over the last week because supposedly it's brain food. I will be in bed by midnight. Okay, I will start getting ready for bed by midnight. Alarm is set. Cell phone alarm is set as backup. Clothes are laid out. Towel for shower is laid out.

Shit, academic scholarships cause way more stress than I ever realized.

Swooping in

I was talking to Josh last night about the lunch thing, while we had a midnight snack at the table. Today Josh called me while I was at school and told me to stop by his parent's building, that the doorman would have a package waiting for me. Before I left the UES I went there and the doorman handed me a bag. It felt like there was something in it, but I had to get to work and didn't have time to look right away.

Later on the train I opened the bag and it was like those nesting dolls with two other bags inside each other. Turns out Josh called his housekeeper this morning and asked her to find them. I love these bags (they are not the color in the picture). There's a little slot inside for an ice pack, it zips so nothing can fall out, and it's kind of sturdy so things won't get smushed.

Josh came home with a bag from Sanrio filled with three thermoses and a bunch of different sized bento boxes. Alex couldn't stop saying to him, "I can't believe you went to Hello Kitty!"

This is so awesome. All summer I brought lunch but there was a microwave oven and a refrigerator I could use, plus there weren't heavy books threatening to smush my food. Each time I ate out except twice I got sent out to buy lunch for people in the office and they just let me have some too. Otherwise there's no way I'd have eaten out so often.

I am so excited to go to school tomorrow, just because I can't wait for lunch.

Future lunches

Thanks for all the ideas. It seems like I'm going to have to cough up money in some way, either for a bag or a thermos thing or something. I tried freezing yogurt a few times in high school and it didn't defrost well plus changed the taste.  For now we can't buy anything new because I am so scared about my diner job and all the money I had to lay out for books and having enough. Danielle found me a plastic box she used to use for colored pencils so I cleaned that out and will put fruit and stuff in there so at least it won't smush.