Craig came over today. With his wife. And daughter. Who is like not yet three, I think.
I forgot they were coming. This means we didn't clean. We didn't finish the two bottles of wine that Josh brought back from his parent's house. There may have been a joint in our bedroom. As Alex and I showed Craig each room, Danielle was running ahead to the next one to hide things and clean.
At one point Craig opened the refrigerator and then turned to me smiling. "The good foods are in front. You don't have to hide things in the back anymore." He also commented on the smell, and how it's not smokey anymore. We grinned at each other. It was corny. We sat on the floor in my sisters' room and talked while Craig's wife and kid hung out in the living room. I told him about how it is with Josh, that he never understands why I can't do things, that I never understand how he spends so much money so easily.
I told Craig about Josh inviting me on his family's vacation in December. How I can't go because I can't afford it, can't leave my sisters, and can't afford to take the time off from work. How Josh told me flat out he hadn't even thought of any of those things. How much of a disaster the whole pajama thing was. How I came home earlier in the week from working late and spent two hours quizzing Alex for tests she had the next day and then laying in bed talking to Danielle for a long time, and Josh was angry. Angry that he ate dinner with my sisters and then I spent all night with them, not him, then first started my own homework. That I can't live Josh's lifestyle.
I told Craig about college. How I am going and my mother was going to go when Alex started school and then she never did and now I am. How I listen to other kids trash talk their parents. How I listen to them scream at their parents and curse them out on their iPhones. How I feel it in my chest, that I need to talk to her and I am running out of ability to wait. How I need her to look at my sisters and tell me what to do and how to do it better. How I miss my mommy.
5 comments:
Sounds like you needed to purge...did you feel better afterwards?
You're dealing with lots of things that most women don't for many years, and generally not all at once. I know I've said this before, but give yourself a little slack and a big pat on the back. You're doing a great job.
Ditto to Lil'Sis - amazing where you have come since I started reading your blog. Amazing!!! And yes, your doing a GREAT job.
I don't know many people who could have dealt with all you've dealt with and come out with their family intact and relatively healthy. You've done an amazing job stepping into shoes that were very, very big.
That said, I do wish you could curl up next to your Mom and have her stroke your hair and tell you kind things. I'm sure she's extremely proud of you.
Hey, you're doing great, and those kids who don't know how to appreciate their parents, well, it's their lost.
Anyway, as a teenager like you, I'm really, really curious about Craig's respond towards all those issues. But I don't know if it's right to ask you about it.
You have endured more than even most adults have to in their lifetime. As someone else commented you have come so far from when you initially started this blog. Your strength amazes me. I hope you realize just how well you are taking care of your sisters and what a great job you're doing given the circumstances. Your mother is with you more than you know and I'm sure is extremely proud of you. I wish I could give you a hug. Just know there are people (strangers like me) who truly care and want to you to succeed.
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