I'm not happy.
This morning I had to go to the post office. Alex had gotten up before me and said she'd eaten breakfast. On the way to the post office she told me it had been a jelly sandwich. I don't even know where she got the idea for that - we never eat sugar and carbs for breakfast without any protein. There was a long line and Alex was bouncing off the walls, walking all over the place, touching everything. It was like she had ADHD or something. I can't explain it because it's still shocking - Alex was going in circles around a poll, getting in other people's way over and over, just acting like a hyper six year old.
When the guy called, "Next!" I motioned to Alex to come with me and went up to the counter. Alex was a little behind me to the left, kind of looking through these colorful mailing boxes left over from the holidays. So as the guy is asking me questions and I'm pulling out money and double-checking he's charging me the right thing, Alex is going, "Sammy! Sam! Look at this. Sam, I like this! Sam! Sammy!" Like nonstop. Like total rapid fire.
I couldn't focus on what the mail guy was saying, or count my change, or think if I wanted to ask anything else. Because the "Sam! Sammy! Sam!" was at the front of my head. It tripped my rage switch, something that hasn't happened since we lived with Aunt Elaine. I shoved my change into my pocket, grabbed the receipt, spun around, and grabbed Alex's arm really fast and leaned close into her face. "What the FUCK is wrong with you? Do you even HEAR yourself?"
Without letting go I dragged Alex out to the lobby and meant to just not be in front of the doors and more like on the side but I basically slammed Alex against the wall really hard. Harder than I meant to and she got tears in her eyes when her head hit it.
I said a lot of really mean things and a little while after Alex started twisting her arm in my hand I realized I was still holding it and let go. Alex had nothing to say about what she'd done except that she didn't know why and no she hadn't meant to be so annoying.
Alex makes a really good "I'm scared" face - she makes her eyes all wide and looks super innocent. She used to turn it on for Aunt Elaine and then we'd all laugh about it later. While I had her against the wall she did her face, and I heard someone behind me ask Alex if she was okay. Without taking my eyes off Alex I told them, "Butt out," and they walked away.
After a few minutes we walked out, but I was still feeling the anger rushing through me. So I told Alex to go somewhere, anywhere that was away from me. I wanted to punch her in the face over and over again. I walked around for like two hours before going home. Wasn't a good day.
4 comments:
Sam, don't beat yourself up about it. We all do and say things we don't mean to people we love even when they really get on our nerves. I have a 15 year old son that has ADD and believe me, sometimes I just have to bite my tongue and count to 10. Hang in there girl.
Like Stephanie said, Sam, don't beat yourself up. We all do things that we are not proud of. I have two young kids and there are times when I could easily do what you did. Especially in times where I am not getting enough sleep, not eating enough, or just have other things on my mind.
It doesn't help that Josh is gone. You are back in the parental role without someone there to offer support to you. You certainly need support. You are dealing with much more than a lot of people deal with at twice your age.
That said, you should probably take ownership of your actions if you haven't already and take the effort to apologize to Al. Let her know that you are sorry for what you did. As annoying as she was, she doesn't deserve to get slammed into a wall.
Finally, remember that you are human. As such, you are going to make mistakes and do things you later regret. It is part of the human condition. Make amends and move on.
Being aware that your rage switch is getting tripped, noting that you are feeling anger rushing through you, and instructing Alex to get away from you to both protect her and to help you are all good things, they just needed to happen sooner. Apologizing would be good. Separately, you can look at whether the sugary breakfast or something else caused Alex's behavior and think about how to handle it if it recurs. It is clear that you are able to think insightfully about how you experience anger and that you have solutions for how to deal with it. The good thing is that you are upset about what happened; it would be bad if the experience did not shake you. The question is where to go from here. You've indicated feeling panic and stress-related chest pain recently and you've mentioned shrinkage with respect to thinking through things lately too, and now this; do you think something underlying might be building up?
Wow. The other three comments are all really wise and insightful. My thoughts are similar: you're human, life happens. Apologize where you think you might have been wrong. Ask Alex if there's anything she might do differently in the future. Walking away and working through your anger away from her was very wise.
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