Don't Push Me Cuz I'm Close To the Edge

Ma,

Everyone was talking about how the science teacher cried today at school. The one I had last year for earth science, who's from like Alabama or somewhere. Who goes from the deep South to the South Bronx? She's nice, but she can't control a classroom at all. Last year was her second year teaching, first year here, and I thought that since she came back this year after having to deal with my class (which was HORRIBLY behaved), she'd toughened up. But no.

Nobody respects her at all. Last year somebody would get a hall pass from her, leave for a while, and when they'd come back they'd just give the pass to the next person who wanted it, even though you're supposed to give it back to the teacher. At no point in the period would she have the entire class in the room. She'd say things like, "Let's talk about the different types of clouds," and this kid Jimmy would respond, "Let's talk about your ass." We once all didn't show up to class for a week, even Euphrey who everyone thought was half-retarded, and when the AP found us, we ALL claimed she'd said we were doing classes outside since the weather was good and it was EARTH science. Iris used to update her flower (virgin) chart in science (ironic) all the time, and people would come to the door to give her the latest news, totally interrupting class.

We just tortured her all the time. I don't know if people bragged about it or what, but from everything I've heard the same stuff has been going on this year too. Anyway, today she yelled at this girl who was talking and doing her nails, and told her she'd never amount to anything. Totally went OFF on her. Then she went to the front of the room, and the girl cut up her arm really badly on purpose, got her friend to go tell the security guard in the hallway, and when she came in, claimed the teacher drove her to it. That's when she cried supposedly.

Just walked into the hallway and started crying. The security guard radioed for help and Makesha told me she saw security running up the stairs but at the time didn't know why. So sad. If she wants to make it here, she's going to have to show up at school tomorrow. (And she'd do well to lose the horrible skirts she wears with sweaters that are holiday themed and have pictures of cats.)

So for once, there was huge shit going down, and I had nothing to do with it. Aren't you impressed? I am.

Love,
Sam

Sad Sundays

Ma,

The Sunday night dinners are supposed to be a nice thing. It's supposed to be the people Chris worked with keeping an eye on us, not forgetting us just because he's not with them anymore. I get that, and appreciate it. But sometimes that's not what it feels like. It feels like a punishment and an obligation. A lot of hard work goes into not missing Chris and you so much that I walk around crying all day. The dinners just make that even harder.

We're supposed to be all cheerful and appreciative that people care. And I *do* appreciate that people care. I just ... don't want to hear other people's Chris stories when it's convenient for them. I want to hear them in my own time, when I can be by myself in case I want to cry.

Maybe I'm outgrowing Sunday dinners. It gets harder and harder to smile and say, "She's good!" in response to the how's your aunt doing, when the truth is I think she's totally depressed to have been stuck with the three of us, and she takes out her depression on us too. For once I want to just be honest and tell the truth. "Aunt Elaine spent 3 days in the hospital last week, then on Wednesday she had three seizures, one while she was on the phone. All the work she'd done on her knee has gone down the drain and she has to start from scratch. I am having muscle spasms in my back from sleeping on the floor because she won't get us beds and she yells at me if I sleep on the couch. We get dirty looks from her each time she lights up because we've told her how much it bothers us and she's extra defensive about her "right" to smoke in her own home. Isn't this our home now too? Shouldn't we have the right to not need to use our inhalers? Oh yeah, and hope we don't stink - we know our clothes smell like smoke, sorry if we're making your house smell bad too. Please pass the broccoli."

Craig said my anger ebbs and flows and I need to pay attention to when it's building and take steps to keep it in check. I'm not feeling like Craig is very useful lately in shrinking my head.

I hate everyone right now.

Stuffage

Mama,

Hi. Summer is in full effect now. Craig gave me two fans, which makes a HUGE difference. We used to have one, and during the day it would be in the living room, and at night Aunt Elaine would put it in her bedroom. Now we can put one in our bedroom and the other one in the kitchen and it's much more comfortable.

I had four huge tests last week. There was so much studying going on that my eye started twitching. When I told Craig he said to put a hot washcloth over it and that worked.

From Sunday through Tuesday Aunt Elaine was in the hospital and she wound up having her medication changed. Wednesday she had three little seizures and she's been tired and in bed ever since. I am kind of worried all the physical therapy she did on her knee is useless now from laying in bed.

Last night we went to a tattoo shop and Magali got her chest pierced - it's kind of in the middle of her collar bone (it doesn't look good). I thought about getting my belly button done, but didn't. Eleni tried to talk me into getting a stud in my nose; I told her I'll take it under advisement. She got a labret. Tricia didn't get anything either, but she wants to get a tattoo on her hip bone. She told me a dolphin and I tried to talk her out of it - way too cliche to get a dolphin or flower.

I am leaving soon to go shopping with Josh - he has to get his cousin a present for her Sweet 16 and asked me to help. Alex asked me to buy her something while I'm out, but I told her no. I need to save my money to buy a waterproof watch for the summer.

A Date!

Ma,

Josh is taking me on a whole huge date tonight! Into the city to a comedy club, and then to a house party that a guy he knows is throwing, and then we're going to a rave. I am going to wear my black sweater and denim miniskirt that I got in April, with my Docs.

Danielle is really excited for me but keeps warning me about roofies over and over - it's really cute. I'm going to just bring a bottle of water with me in my backpack.

This is going to be so much fun - I totally needed this!

Love,
Sam

What I'm Wondering Today

Mama,

The other night, Tyra had a show about wives whose husbands look at a lot of porn online and make them insecure. She had the girl who do the porn on the show too.

Tyra said it's illegal. I didn't think porn is illegal, is it? I thought just prostitution is illegal. I mean, I guess they're having sex for money so that's prostitution. But couldn't they just say they're acting? I mean, I don't know.

So okay. If it IS illegal, then how can the porn girls go on tv like that? Are the police waiting backstage to arrest them? How do people go on tv, admit to doing things against the law, and not get arrested right away? I don't understand.

Love,
Sam

Baby!

Mommy,

My friend Kimmy had a baby. She named him Nicholas and came home yesterday with him. Today I took Dani with me to go visiting. Alex wanted to come but since she was sick so recently I figured just in case, she shouldn't.

The baby is not very cute. He needs to un-scrunch and then maybe he'll be cuter. Dani asked Kim if it hurt a lot and she said, "You know how people say your love for your baby is so huge that it overwhelms the pain? They're full of shit! It hurts like a mother fucker!" Please remind me not to get pregnant.

Kimmy's mom kept coming in and checking on us even though the baby was just sleeping. They do things really differently than you did - she kept saying to put the baby in his crib to avoid spoiling him, and then later she woke Nicholas up to feed him, saying you have to put a newborn on a schedule right away.

If I ever have babies I want to do it your way - the baby will sleep with me and not in a crib. I'll hold it as much as I feel like and just feed it whenever it's hungry. A newborn can't tell if it's night or day.

When I showed Kim how to tilt the bottle better to not get bubbles she asked how I know so much about babies. I don't feel like I know a lot at all. But then I realized Kimmy's the youngest in her family so she didn't get to watch anybody be born. She can't believe you never had a crib for any of us. "But where did you sleep?" she kept asking.

On the way home Dani asked me if we were weird when you were alive. You weren't. You were good at having babies. I like how you did things, even if it means less presents at a baby shower.

Love,
Sam

And, We're Walking

Mama,

Alex went back to school today. She had to take a nap at recess, and then laid down immediately when we got home, no snack. At dinner, Alex tried to sleepthough it but I made her get up and eat and stay awake until a regular bedtime, hoping that will make her sleep through the night. Oh, no strep.

Danielle is fine. My sunburn is getting better. I put milk on it which helped a LOT and have been using tons of lotion.

I told that teacher that yes, I'll be her summer nanny, even though I'm not excited about this at all. Feeling like I don't belong at some rich people's country club every day is not my idea of fun. Alex is not pleased - she's worried I'll get home after she gets home from camp. I pointed out it'll be light out until after dinner and she can just wait outside for me. Alex wasn't digging it, until she realized I'd be working and have money. "Maybe you can give me money for italian ices every day." Yeah and maybe monkeys will fly out of my ass too.

My marketing class is almost all 11th and 12th graders - me and this girl Jessica are the only 10th graders in it. A boy in our class in 12th grade asked me to the prom. I thought he was kidding at first, but he wasn't. I don't know what to tell him. When I told Josh he just asked if I was going to go. When I said I wasn't sure, he just nodded and we've been awkward since. Boys are so difficult. When I grow up, I'm going to be a nun. Or gay. Or a gay nun.

Even though there's sun, I bet there's no such thing as sunburns in heaven.
Love,
Sam

Lamest. Thing. EVER!!!

Ma,

Check this shit out. These people are MORONS. This girl got suspended for ... nothing. She didn't break ANY rules. This zero tolerence crap is totally out of control.

Because of crap like this, not only do I have to teach Alex to read the directions and understand them and count the hours between taking doses, I have to remember to tell her to hide it and only take it in a bathroom stall and never offer it to any of her friends.
Instead of schools running around trying to enforce their retarded rules, why don't they teach kids how to take medicine the right way and read labels? They can give kids a quiz to see if they understand how to take Tylenol responsibly, and if the kids pass the quiz and the parents sign a form, then the kids can be allowed to bring it to school. And they can put a thing on the form saying nobody's allowed to have more than two doses worth with them on school property at any time.

Even that seems over the top to me, but at least it'd be treating kids like people instead of like freaking wild dogs to be contained who can't think for themselves.

Love,
Sam (who can take medicine without supervision)

Three Down

Ma,

Did I call it or what? Dani got hit in the head with a freaking baseball at gym. Or maybe it was a softball. Whatever it was, she got sent to the nurse's office.

Aren't you proud of your kids? One has had fever for like six days in a row, another stupidly got herself burnt, and your third couldn't get her own head out of the way of a ball in the air.

Aunt Elaine called to tell me I had to go pick up Dani at school because they said it was a hard hit. When I called to talk to her school nurse she told me Dani didn't want me to come get her. "Danielle claims you threatened her, and she's scared to go home. Is there something you'd like to share with me?"

Since when is threatening your sister illegal?! I just told Dani on Saturday night she was the only healthy person in the house and she better stay that way. Somebody's got to keep CVS in business!

What a wuss. I tried to assure the nurse Dani wouldn't die at home and she agreed to let Dani sleep in her office until I could get there. Then I had to call Aunt Elaine back and tell her to call the school to tell them to let me sign Dani out. When I picked her up the nurse said we should stop by the pediatrician to check for a concussion. I hauled Dani out of there and took her home. Alex met us at the door and Aunt Elaine said we're a sorry lot. While propped up by her walker, cigarette in hand. Yeah, WE'RE sorry. Pot, meet kettle.

I'm not taking Dani to the fucking doctor. She didn't get knocked out, she's not puking, her pupils are fine, she's good enough to just take some Advil for the headache and suck it up.

Adeela is coming over to drop off milk for me - her older cousin said if you pour milk on a washcloth and put that on your skin it helps with burns. So I'll try it.

The only good news I can give you is that my hair looks really good today.

Love,
Sam

Two Down

Mommy,

Okay so first of all, we went to Urgent Care yesterday morning with Alex. She napped for the hour and fifteen minutes we waited mixed in with all the other sick people and then we waited for a half hour in the little exam room. Maybe I stole some bandaids and stuff, whatever - it was a very long wait.

When the doctor came in he looked at me, at Al, then back at me and asked, "Where's your mother?" When I said she's not here he shook his head, "I don't do kids." My WiseAss Syndrome always hits at the worst times - I put on this fake, shocked look and said "I hope not!" and he turned all red and gave me a dirty look.

So I talked him into figuring out what's wrong with Alex despite our momlessness, and he ordered a throat culture and we'll know Monday if she has strep. If she does have strep, I'll bet money she contracted it in that germy waiting room.

While we were at the doctor, Adeela called to see if I wanted to go tanning with her - she had a free pass for a friend and because I've never gone I said yes. Everybody else always goes to Florida or Mexico and comes back with a tan. So I dumped Alex at home and grabbed my bathing suit and ran to meet her. It didn't occur to me to ask Adeela WHY she had a freebie session.

Yeah, so I got really badly burned. I am in excruciating pain. My arms and right hand and face and part of my chest are all burned. When I came out Adeela looked at me with an awful look on her face and was like, "That's NOT supposed to happen." The girl working there offered me ... what else? Of course, a free pass to come back. No. Fucking. Way.

I will be pale for the rest of my life - it's way better than being bright red and giving myself skin cancer. I am never going tanning again in my life until I die. When I got home Dani was trying to help by putting aloe vera on me but I screamed when she touched me and she couldn't do it anymore.

This hurts so fucking badly I can't even tell you. Last night I couldn't eat dinner because the thought of hot food was awful - I had an ice pop for dinner and just went to bed. Every time I moved in my sleep the pain woke me up.

When we got to our fire family's house for dinner tonight (and Alex is VERY angry that we went to do something fun without her) the wife took one look at me and whisked me into the bathroom. So now I have Burt's Bees moisturizer with aloe too. She told me to keep that and the aloe vera in the refrigerator - the cold will feel good. So I am, and she's right - the cold does feel good.

I'm sure tomorrow Dani will break her leg or step on a rusty nail or something.

Love your very lobster-like daugher,
Sam

Sicky and Good News

Ma,

Today is Day Three of fever. I've written it down each time we take Alex's temperature and it's gone down to 102 and gone up to 103 and a half. Aunt Elaine said Alex just sleeps all day. Sometimes she goes into the living room to nap on the couch but that's it. Last night Alex got up around 1 a.m. and went in the kitchen. She woke me up to tell me she was bringing cheerios into bed but promised not to spill any. This morning there was a measuring cup of cheerios on the floor - I don't know why she didn't use a bowl, but whatever.

Danielle thinks we need to call a doctor. Aunt Elaine said they won't be able to do anything, that you have to wait out a fever. I don't know what to think.

So you want to hear my good news? I got a job offer for the summer! My marketing teacher asked if I want to be a nanny for her kid. She said they live in Brooklyn and most days go to some country club (I think she said on Long Island) and she wants someone else to chase after her baby so she can relax. She will pay me $13 an hour and said if I want the job she will pay for me to get CPR certified. I asked if I could let her know on Monday and she said that's fine.

Alex and Dani got their scholarships to the same camp as last year, but I might get home after they do if I take this job. I sort of want to wait until Alex feels better and then talk to her about it since she's the one who would be most upset to get home before I do. If I take this job, it would be like $520 each WEEK. That's an insane amount of money! That's over $4,000 for the SUMMER!

And I didn't even have to make a resume or have an interview or anything.

Love you,
Sam

Poor Alex

Ma,

Alex is still home sick. When I got home from school she sat with me at the table, but put her head down on it and practically fell asleep. Her fever was higher then, but it went back down after dinner.

Josh came over around dinner time with big bottles of Vitamin Water, chicken soup, and his laptop. Dani gave Alex soup in bed for dinner and Josh and I sat in the hallway and watched Thirteen on his computer.

Some scuzzy guy in the building walked by, then came back to look at us and asked if we wanted to buy weed. When we said no, he asked if we had any. ?????

Josh touched my stomach and asked why I don't have a belly ring. I don't know why - I just never got one. Maybe next fall.

Alex hates me because I said she can't go to school tomorrow. I told her if she can get her fever down to under 100 she can go. Alex tried to make a bath of ice cold water but Dani caught her and drained it. Retard. When I called Alex's teacher and told her about missing the Cinco de Mayo thing, she said she'll take pictures and e-mail them to Alex so she doesn't miss out completely.

Aunt Elaine ate Alex's soup last night after we went to sleep and again while we were at school. That REALLY pisses me off. It wasn't for her. She didn't buy it. She's not going to replace it.

I have to go get shrunk.
Love,
Sam

(wo)Man Down

Hi Mama,

Alex is home sick today. She wanted me to stay home with her and is very upset that I wouldn't, and she cried when I left for school.

I woke up in the middle of the night because I was hot - that was Alex's fever radiating off her body onto mine, that's how hot she was. If Alex hadn't been sleeping I would have taken her tempurature then. When I took it at 6:30 this morning it was over 103. So no school for her.

Alex cried because she was scared to be left home alone with Aunt Elaine by herself. I told her she'll probably sleep the whole time and they'll barely talk at all. "But what if she eats me?" I told Alex she's too skinny to be a satisfying lunch. "What if she falls asleep smoking and sets me on fire and I die in my pajamas?" Well, there she's sort of got a point. I've worried about Aunt Elaine falling asleep smoking too.

Before I had to leave for school I ran to the drugstore and bought those really cheap water bottles. I filled up two with water and one with apple juice and one with Vitamin Water and put them all in the fridge for Alex. I told her by the time I come home she has to have finished two and a half of them. I have no clue how much that is, but it sounded good to me in the moment.

When I called before to check on Alex, Aunt Elaine said she was sleeping, and then bitched me out for not checking on her when she was sick in the hospital. That pissed me off because I totally DID call to check on her. Sorry for interrupting The View - I'm sure whatever Meredith was saying is VERY important.

Today two movies are supposed to come from Netflix and I was going to go to Josh's house tonight to watch them but I told him I can't anymore. His whole face fell - it made me feel really good. Not that he was sad, but that he was upset I couldn't hang out tonight. Secretly I'm kind of relieved - I feel weird going to his house after his parents found out I slept over. And even though Josh said they believe nothing happened, I still feel like they think I'm slutty now or something. The funny thing is, Aunt Elaine totally wouldn't care if I had a boy over and if he slept over, aside from her whole "nobody can ever come in" issue.

Alex has a party at school on Friday for Cinco de Mayo and told me she HAS to be better for that. So I am going to look up stuff to do for fevers before I go home.

Love,
Sam