Advice taken

We are hosting Thanksgiving. Josh, my sisters, Danielle's boyfriend, Josh's parents, and his friend coming to town accidentally while his parents will be away, and me.

We have a tentative menu going.

1. Organic turkey
2. pumpkin soup
3. cranberry sauce
4. green beans (probably with pearled onions and mushrooms)
5. brussel sprouts with bacon or pancetta
6. maple bourbon sweet potato pie
7. garlic bacon mashed potatoes (excessive since #4 exists, but strongly requested)
8. ciabatta stuffing with chestnuts and pancetta (I am not sure this will come out well, but again, requested)
9. chocolate burbon pecan pie
10. apple pie
11. whipped cream

For eight people I think this is a bit much. Too many people put in requests. But since Danielle wants to learn how to do this, we may as well make all this stuff so she learns. I worked all weekend so tomorrow I just go in and wrap up little things, then Tuesday meet with the manager on the project and then in the afternoon Danielle and I are meeting to order all the ingredients (turkey was already ordered). 

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Oh that's nice. I have no idea what I'm doing since nobody can make a decision to save their lives these days. This has become the new normal and my Type-A self does not do well in this environment.

Nobody can decide if we're celebrating Thanksgiving at all. Let alone at whose house. I'm happy to cook the whole thing at Laurie's house if she wants. If we had enough space, I'd be happy to have all her people to our place and do it here.

Danielle wants to do Thanksgiving here. She wants this to be the year I teach her how to do it. Like the nerds it turns out we are, she's got an Excel spreadsheet going with each dish, each ingredient for it, and which pots, pans and utensils are needed to make and serve it. Every day Dani is asking if I ordered the turkey yet. I so wish there was an answer to give her. At this point, I want to just make the executive decision to make enough food for eight people, and put our plan in motion. 

You're getting better

This is a household that supports Apple. When we lived with Aunt Elaine I just got the cheapest laptop that would do everything I needed it to do. Eventually I got a macbook pro, became an Apple convert and hauled my sisters along with me.

Josh has always liked Apple products and always had one of each. Okay, sometimes more. For a while he had three iPods but couldn't figure out why. "I think a couple were gifts?"

Today when I was making dinner he came home with Dani, who was beaming. "Sammers, don't be mad." Josh made me put the knife down. "We got Dani a new computer and phone." We? No, you. If we had done it, we would have talked about it first and we would have paid for it together.

Dani's computer has been on its last legs for a year, easily. It takes 20 minutes to start, and often it takes five minutes to open any website and then it crashes. Every time I started to think maybe we should budget for a new laptop for her, Dani would run a patch or tweak her computer in some other way. Her phone doesn't tell her when there are voicemails, drops calls constantly, refuses to alert about incoming texts. We basically approach contacting Dani like throwing a message in a bottle into the ocean. It might reach her, but it probably won't.

But this is like, $1500 worth of stuff. Their hands were empty. I seriously heard a rushing sound in my ears while they were talking to me. I think that's what my rage sounds like. "Where's the stuff?" That was all I could think to ask.

Dani suggested they leave it in the hallway while they told me, in case I freaked out. I'm not THAT angry anymore. Mostly. "Can I keep them? Please?"

I let her keep them. She's so happy. Josh is one of those people who gets happy when he gives. So he's happy too. When Dani ran into the hallway to haul her computer box inside, Josh kissed me and whispered. You're getting better.

Maybe I am. But I'm still awake at almost 2am thinking about it. 

Do more, do better, be more clear

For the last couple of weeks I've been thinking that my cooking has really been slipping lately. All the dinners have been quick and easy. Then last night Josh mentioned he wants to be more proactive in cooking for us. So I jumped on that and told him, so do I.

Tonight I made herb butter, homemade pasta and gravy. Josh used each of these things, plus meat and pancetta and peas to make dinner. He gave me a list of things he wants to know how to cook for me, and I've been asked to write out the recipes in full for Josh. Apparently when he asks me how to make meals I say things like, "Just braise it/ deglaze the sauce/ simmer it/marinate and then finish it in the oven."

Apparently I assume knowledge that's unknown. Whoops. This is why I bought Josh a present tonight. This book defines all the terms and explains all the basics I take for granted. It even tells you what kinds of pots and pans to use, and when to use different types of salt. I don't buy Josh gifts very often - it's a little intimidating to buy someone who has multiple trusts, a gift. This book though, made him happy. That makes me happy.

Not quite sure why I have been such an ass in not giving Josh proper recipes. If I had, he probably would have been cooking meals for me (us). I was talking with Dani about this, and she pointed out that maybe cooking is the only way I feel superior to Josh and that's why I haven't given him the tools to cook in case he cooks better than I do. That girl needs to stop taking so many psychology courses.

Out! Out damn ... sisters

Tonight Josh and I went to Butter for dinner. I was late, because I suck and work ridiculous hours. Josh was on his second drink when I got there and swore he wasn't upset. This dinner was on me, because I insist on taking Josh out to dinner once a month. This has been going on since I got my grownup job, and am almost at the point of not thinking about the cost when there's an urge for an appetizer or dessert.

Josh thinks it's amusing that I pay. He talks all through when I'm figuring out the tip, and each time I worry about doing the math wrong, which would be outrageously embarrassing. The accountant who couldn't do simple math.

We were talking about my sisters moving out. It doesn't look good. Neither of them earn that much, they're now super spoiled from living here, and they don't want to move out only to have to live together. Josh's parents already pay more than half for our apartment even though I have more than half the people in it. I would have to take out money that goes to my retirement account to put towards their rent. Which I guess I could do, but that would be like, for a shitty apartment in Queens. I don't think Alex and Danielle will go for that. Everything really comes back to them being spoiled. I may have made a really horrible mistake five years ago.

Oh hello stranger, may I ask you some personal questions about your face?

When Alex hit a certain age, my mother decided she needed to bring in more money and got a job as a receptionist through one of the ladies whose clothes she had done for years. When I think of my mom, I think of her as being beautiful. I remember not understanding why she bought a little bag full of makeup before she was about to start her new, fancy job. I didn't understand why she thought she needed all that to look beautiful - she was beautiful just how she was. Ugh, excuse me while I go have a panic attack and cry in the shower.

Okay. So. Um, yeah. I kind of come from the Kristen Stewart school of eye makeup.  When I started working, it was a huge learning curve to tone it down and be less "girl-with-attitude" and more "young-professional." That came about because Josh's mom pulled me aside one day and flat out told me to tone it down.

A few days ago, Dani and I were talking as I was getting ready, and she asked at what age we're supposed to start doing skincare stuff. "We already do it," I told her, gesturing to the Cetaphil and sunscreen we all use. "Ummm ... pretty sure we're supposed to do more than that. Where are our mud masks and moisturizers and stuff?"

I poked around online but got overwhelmed. Apparently there's stuff you do in your 20's, and different stuff in your 30's. But even just within your own decade there's a ton of different options. So we discussed going to Sephora, but it's always so crowded and claustrophobic there. (I don't understand why tourists go to major cities and ten go to chain stores.)

Since that discussion with Dani I've been staring at people on the train who look around my age and have good skin. I wish I could just ask. There's no way to do that though, without risking getting punched. I wish I could remember what my mom had in that bag.

Not normal

Josh's grandparents gave me a big giftcard to Anthropologie for Hanukah, and this weekend Dani and I went to go use it. She brought a friend of hers from school, and the girl thought we were nuts. We kept saying to each other, "Do we like this?" because we share so much of our clothing that it's more cost-effective to buy stuff we both like.

Dani's friend couldn't believe we compromise that way. At first it really annoyed me and I was super angry about her comments. Then I realized that we're getting closer to the time when we're not going to be living together anymore and maybe we need to start thinking about splitting up our clothes. That makes me sad.

When we got home and were alone, I asked Dani if she had any idea when she'd want to move out and if she'd thought about how we'd deal with our clothes. Dani looked at me like I'm an idiot. "You get your work clothes and I get everything else." Um, what? Why wouldn't I get any of the good, fun clothes? She wasn't kidding. It made me want to kick her out.

Official

Buying a dress for college graduation seems about as dumb as buying a wedding dress. Which is why I wore a dress of Dani's. It was a little short, but that's what that huge graduation gown is for, right? To cover up how secretly slutty you look. 

Alex did not come to my graduation. I don't know what else to say about that. Josh's dad called me two days before and asked if he should make dinner reservations to include Alex, and I said no. Because I couldn't trust her to hold back from making obnoxious comments and ruining everything. 

I saw two girls get proposed to right after graduation. I get everyone being in a different place in life and all that, but just can't imagine feeling old enough at 21 or 22 to be engaged. Right now I feel about old enough to move in with Josh. The idea of spending two months with him, out of the country, is scaring me. What if we get in a fight in a foreign country? Then there will be nobody to talk with - I don't speak Spanish or Italian well enough to talk about big things. Dani called my Italian "Litalian" - a little Italian. 

We found people to stay in our apartment while the four of us are gone. This makes me really happy because it feels better to keep paying my side of the rent. It turns out people pay more to rent for just a short time. When I found out, it was such a huge urge to tell Josh we should find a way to buy a rental property and just rent it out all the time.

Therapy session numero uno

Shrink: So, would you like to tell me why you're here?
Alex: Because my bitch of a sister made me.
Shrink: Okay. Would you like to tell me why you're here?
Me: Because my sister's become a bitch.
Shrink. Alright. And... you?
Dani: I ... don't know. Because I'm stuck being a sister to these two bitches who hate each other now. 

I am not sure the shrink was prepared for us. He tried to unravel the bitchiness. It was difficult.

Shrink: Why don't you tell me why you think your sister made you come here.
Alex: Because she's a bitch.
Shrink: Has she always been a bitch?
Alex: Yes but it was only this year that I couldn't take it anymore.
Shrink: And has she made you go to therapy in the past?
Alex: No.
Shrink: Can you give me an example of what your sister's done that you find bitchy?
Alex: Well, just look at her!

The shrink looks at me. I'm wearing my national costume of black hoodie sweater, jeans, black Chucks, and sunglasses. I stare at him. He looks back at Alex.

Shrink: Well we clearly have our work cut out for us, don't we?
Alex: Maybe you do.

He blinks. The rest of the thing went the same way. 10 minutes in Danielle pulled out her homework and ignored us to do it. It sucked. My life is supposed to be starting in a few months. The problems were supposed to practically be over with. Now this?

On the way home I asked Danielle if she wanted to get drunk with me. "Sure."

Offensive

Hopefully it wasn't offensive that even though I'm not Jewish, I spent almost all day Sunday in Laurie's kitchen, cooking. For Passover. This probably isn't the most Jewy thing to say, but I was in heaven. Spent about seven hours dancing around a beautiful kitchen, listening to an iPod and playing with food. Some people go to a spa; I go cooking.

Laurie told me there were a lot of older people coming to the seder, so she needed the food to be on the more bland side. That was kind of a bummer, but I just made everything taste as absolutely good as possible. So the (practically plain) baked chicken was super moist, the roasted brussel sprouts were fabulous (caught myself before adding bacon). There were two different kinds of kugel, and I wanted to make a mushroom soup but Laurie told me to stay traditional and try that another time so I cranked out a matzoh ball soup instead. On Monday night when people were finishing up the dinner, I snuck into the kitchen and made whipped cream to go with the strawberries. Even though making whipped cream is really easy and quick, people seem to be very impressed with it. I always assume those people have never attempted it, because if they had, they'd know it's three ingredients and five minutes.

My sisters were invited, because they always are. The overall rule when you go to Josh's house is, no t-shirts, no sneakers. Those are clothes for strictly working out, but not for wearing when doing anything else. I spent Sunday cooking in what Josh calls my national costume (jeans & black tank) but when I went over on Monday for the seder, my hair was NOT in a ponytail, and I had on a skirt and nice top. Danielle wore her fancy jeans, a sweater, and borrowed a pair of my shoes. Alex though. What a bitch. She showed up in ponytail, capri leggings, a t-shirt, and Chucks. I got there first, and when Alex walked through the door she looked right at me and smirked.

My eyeballs promptly fell out of my head, but Josh swooped in to save the day, by doing the only thing that would solve the problem of Alex. He told on her to his mother. Laurie took one look at Alex and whisked her away down the bedroom hallway. She always likes to be there to welcome people when they come through the front door, so I knew Alex was giving Laurie a hard time when she wasn't there as more and more people arrived.

When Alex came back, she was wearing one of Laurie's sweaters, no shoes, and her hair looked right. Seriously, I deserve an award for the maturity I displayed by not smirking at her.

Threats are useful

Josh has been getting more and more fed up with the Alex situation. Danielle is spending more and more time away from home. On Saturday morning she woke up when I did and followed me into the bathroom when I started my shower. Aside: I feel like we come across gay with how much we crash each others showers, but I swear we're not. It's just a good time to talk.

Dani suggested we all do some kind of druggie-style intervention. I was not too thrilled with the idea - that seems like something for druggies or like, hoarders. Bulimics maybe. Not just bitchy high schoolers. Dani kept pushing, following me from room to room until I left for tutoring. Immediately upon walking through the door hours later, before my shoes were even off, Danielle was ready for Round Two. So I told her that if Josh agreed, it was fine with me. Not only did he agree, Josh offered to have his parents there also. He convinced me that having real parents will make it more serious for Al. So that's on the schedule for this week.

Dined

The dinner was ... okay. There were really high points and really low points. The high points were the food, the company, and Josh's help. You know how sometimes somebody offers or even tries to help but all they do is get in the way or make more work for you? It's only taken three and a half years, but it seems like Josh and I are finally in a pretty good groove in the kitchen. I know which little chopping jobs to set out for him, he knows to wash, dry and put away all the prep bowls once food is cooking to free up counter space. I don't yell at Josh for getting in the way causing him to walk off, leaving me resentful for doing all the work myself. I'm a little bit proud of us.

The other high point is that Danielle finally picked a side. It's not a high point that she picked mine. It's a high point that she gets it. I sort of accidentally overheard a talk Josh had with Dani. Yes, I could have yelled to them that I was in the bath and could hear them but whatever, I suck. For a few weeks I've been telling Alex if she's so unhappy and thinks I'm such a terrible person she should go move out. Every time Dani took her side, I invited her to leave too.

When she told me she knew Alex was wrong, I asked if Dani was just saying that because I kept pushing her to choose and she was choosing the easier, cushier life. She swore she wasn't, and I let it go. Turns out Josh was wondering the same thing and I overheard him talking to her. I never heard him talk like that. Always, it's in the back of my mind about being a gold-digger but Josh and I never talk about it. He made sure Dani isn't gold-digging too. Is it weird that I'm proud of him? He must have felt super awkward - Josh never EVER talks about money.

The low points involved Alex. She was beyond rude to all of us. She was mean to Josh's parents. It was really embarrassing. Laurie got so angry that she finally excused Alex from the table. "You're excused. It's not an optional invitation." Josh apologized, then kicked me, so I apologized too. His dad tried to talk to Alex in her room, and walked out like 10 minutes later telling Laurie it was her turn.

You almost need a flow chart to keep track

Me and my sisters are still not good. I'm mad at Alex for being mad at me and Dani for questioning me. Alex is mad at me for making us all leave Aunt Elaine's and at Dani for not being mad enough at me in solidarity with her. Dani is mad at Alex for putting her in the middle. Josh is mad at all of us for making it all so awkward for him.

But not so much at me. Mostly at Alex. Alex is so shocked and offended at him for picking a side that she is now all Angry Spice at Josh. Which he confessed to me amuses him because she's always so cute and bubbly.

Josh also told me he's not a fan of this dynamic and it needs to change soon, but meantime, he refuses to spend the weekend with us. Which is how I came to be going on vacation again, two weekends a row. This time I am doing what Josh wants, so we are going snowboarding.

Two requests

Dani came in early this morning to launch her requests. From me, she wants birth control. From Josh, she wants to learn to drive. I was tempted to offer him $100 to switch with me.

Yes, I should be happy she's being honest and open and all that shit about telling me. Which I am. Except I'm pissed off and jealous that I had to go by myself. Then Dani asked if we thought she should make her boyfriend pay half the cost. Definitely.

Dani found me later, when Josh wasn't around. She wanted to ask me if there was anything else she needed to know, that she hadn't read about. I said I'd think about it. I don't know what the hell else to tell her.

Alex better be a lesbian.

First

Danielle has a boyfriend. That girl went out and got herself a nerdy, chunky boyfriend who we met last night. He is from PA, also a freshman, also a geek, and tucks his shirts in. I want to give him a makeover. I want to buy him pants that are longer, and messy up his hair. Dani is his first girlfriend I think. When Josh and I came home they were sitting on the couch together holding hands. We didn't see that though, because according to Danielle, the second he heard the key turning he yanked his hand away and moved to the other end of the couch.

Josh and I tried to hang out and chat with him for a while, but it was too awkward so finally we gave up and walked away. He was sweating, stumbling over his words. Danielle was half giggling, half confused by his discomfort.

Five minutes after we escaped to the kitchen, he was in the doorway announcing he was leaving. He thanked us. He shook Josh's hand. When Danielle was walking him out we overheard him reminding her to, "Please remember to lock the door behind me." I think we'll keep him. I almost feel bad for the moment when he and Alex meet.

Dourtney

One of the (too) many shows we watch is Couples Therapy on VH1. My sisters don't really like it, but as half a couple, I kind of do like seeing how other couples treat each other.

The most painful couple to watch is Courtney Stodden and Dough Something. She was 16 when they get married, and she's like an ugly Barbie Doll. Her looks are so extreme compared to everyone else's, that it's hard to even see past them to judge her on any sort of intelligence or personality.

Josh is almost 22, and he watches my sisters and their friends traipse in and out of the house, and I can't imagine him looking at any of them as anything but little girls. The idea of him looking at a girl and thinking of dating or marrying them is totally ridiculous. This Doug guy is like three decades older than Josh. It doesn't get much more creepy than that.

Tonight we were watching and I made some comment about Courtney, and Dani suggested that maybe I was slut-shaming her, then asked if I would still hate her if she wore normal clothes. I don't think she would be who she was without her clothes. He wouldn't have been attracted to her; it would all be a moot point.

I'm pretty anti slut-shaming, and Dani knows that which is why she phrased it that way. I'll sometimes wear my skirts really short to school and then roll them down when it's time to go to work. Courtney flirts with every guy in the Couples Therapy show, not just her husband. She can't walk without shoving some tits or ass in someone's face. I can.

Courtney's not a slut. She just leads and follows with only her sexuality, and it's the one-dimensionalness that seems gross.

Slipping through fingers

I got to bed before midnight. So proud. Two minutes after Josh got to bed there was a knock on the door. "This is their version of birth control," he whispered. Danielle sat down in front of me. "What the HELL am I spending so much money on? You need to give me more money. College is expensive!"

Well yes and no. It's more that college is a thousand times more social than high school. If you're in college, you're 21, no matter how old you are. There's going out for drinks, going out to lunch, going to coffee with new friends. Danielle talked to so many people in her first week of college that she lost her voice along with all her money.  I'm not giving her more money. I'll give her two tutor kids so she can earn her own, but I'm not giving mine.

Danielle thinks I'm mean. I hoard all the money. I'm also the one who earns all the money. After she walked out in a huff Josh said he thought I was wrong. If I acknowledge that it's more expensive, why wouldn't I give her a little more? But I think he's wrong. Danielle doesn't pay rent. Groceries. Random stuff like socks and medical tape and eyeliner. 

I get that Dani's homework is much harder than mine, so that's why it's fine that she doesn't get a job. But giving her half the money I get from working over the summer, working for Arnie and tutoring? Not going to happen.

Demi dancer

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Then there were three

For the first time since there were three, none of us are sharing a bedroom with a sister. Danielle and I had a lot of Big Talks this summer and what it boiled down to was that she wanted college to feel different from high school Somehow. So that third bedroom we used as a study/guest room (but mostly a study) is now Dani's bedroom. I am not making her pay rent. It's not like because she's in that room we no longer rent it out to some random person who used to pay rent. Plus she is going to be a doctor and I am building goodwill for all the free medical advice Dani will be expected to provide.

Alex of course, is devastated. If she could be physically attached to one or both of us at all times, she would be happy. So as hard as Dani was campaigning for change, Alex was campaigning in the opposite direction. She ultimately talked Dani into agreeing to have a sleepover twice a week, dropping to once a week during midterms and finals. I guarantee though, that there will be hurt feelings coming up in a couple of months. Why? Because Alex thought it meant only during Dani's test weeks, but I'm sure Dani will make it also during Al's.

Danielle had a list of changes she wanted, including no curfew (basically, no rules). When she talked with Josh about how to best approach me to get what she wanted, he actually did a really fantastic job of it. He gave her this whole speech about how when you have roommates (you pay rent!) you do not make them worry about you. So while they don't give you a curfew, it's more like you give yourself one, and the courteous thing to do is let your roommates know when they can expect you back.

I don't think Danielle had ever thought of it like that, but she hasn't come to me about the curfew thing yet. So I'm thinking Josh made an impact. When he told me about the talk, Josh also said he felt very fatherly, and almost wanted to remind Danielle to use condoms too.

Circle of sisters

There is this sciencey geeky fair thing coming up that Danielle is really excited about. So excited that she wants to go all the days it'll be happening. So excited she wants me and Alex to also go. To be honest, it's not really how I want to spend my money or my time.

Dani refuses to hear that and keeps pushing me to agree she can get tickets that are less expensive if you buy them early. I feel like Dani and I are very far away, that she's a total geek and I'm not.

When I said something to Josh about it though, he claimed I had it all wrong. That doing an accounting major is a type of geekery and it's Alex who really feels left out of the family geek squad.

Dani has taught herself science for fun. She's helped with my math homework. It's like she's existing on a different level. Alex gets low A's or high B's in her math and science classes, and that's with a lot of studying. It's hard to imagine her feeling left out. I always feel left out because it seemed like I was taking care of them, and now they share a room together without me. Al is so good at seeming happy all the time that to think of her seeing herself as not as much a part of us is weird and scary.