The Mommy stamp of approval

I rush around a lot. When I slow down, like that time when you're laying in bed waiting to calm down enough to fall asleep, in my head I tell my mom about my day and try to guess what she would say. Which things would make her laugh, what would make her ask more questions, what would make her give me her "what are you thinking?!" look.

It kills me that I'm not sure what her reactions would be and that I have to guess. I don't think she would like that I'm living with a boy. Or that Danielle and Alex are too. I do think she'd like Josh, though. I don't think she would like how un-social we are. My mom would like that Alex is serious about dance, but be sad that Danielle and I don't do dance or gymnastics anymore. She would like that we cook good food, her foods, but not that we don't really share, don't have people over for dinner.

She would really like that I'm in college, but not that I'm not doing the Typical College Experience. My mom also wouldn't like that I don't really teach my sisters anything I learn there. That I'm not really like .... doing college. I don't know how to explain it.

She would like that I sew. That Dani and Al can sew. That if I have to live with a boy, at least it's one who is willing to learn how to sew. But she wouldn't like that I don't have time to teach him.

Would kill me if she knew

If I weren't have sex I would be totally happy to not have gotten my period yet. I just like getting it as reassurance that I'm not pregnant. Danielle doesn't feel the same way. Every single person she knows (except our sister) has gotten their period except her. Last month she turned 15. Dani is beyond furious at her body lately even though I have reminded her a thousand times I didn't get mine until I was a few months past 15.

I researched it and it seems like the average is 12, but 15 is still inside some kind of normal range. The only thing it looks like doctors can do is put you on birth control and supposedly that induces periods? I am not sure what to do or if I should do anything.

Growing out of dinner

The thing with sisters - or maybe it's just my particular sisters - is they want to do everything together. If one of us doesn't want to go, it's enough to inspire the other two to not want to go either, and the whole plan falls apart. Sometimes it's great. You never have to do anything alone. Sometimes it's bad though because if something would be good for them and not me, if I don't go, then won't get the benefit of going because they want to stay with me.

I'm kind of over fire family dinners. For no reason, really. I just don't feel it anymore. Nobody tells me anything about Topher I don't know already. For a while hearing stories about what he was like at work hurt, and then for a long time it felt good like being wrapped in a verbal hug. Now it just makes me want him back.

I just don't want to go anymore.

10:21pm update: I went anyway. Don't know what was wrong with me this morning. Who else can walk into so many different homes and feel at home in almost all of them? It was a lot of fun. Was given a good recipe for meatballs. Got to play with a cat. Was taught how to use a fireplace. I'm really glad I went.

(Don't) ask Josh

My sisters are 15 and 12 and don't really need ... a lot. Sometimes Alex needs help with something that's heavy or too high for her to reach. Sometimes both of them need help with homework or want help with projects. Danielle can't wrap a present to save her life. One of the good things about living with a boyfriend is being able to tell my sisters to "Go ask Josh" when they need help.

And they do. And he doesn't mind. I know because he told me once. Plus he's told them. Like the time Danielle stood in front of me waiting until I could stop what I was doing to fasten her necklace for her, and Josh told her, "Hey, I'm sitting here too, ya know."

So in the little-over two months my sisters have gotten used to going to him if I'm not there or there but busy. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe Josh got too comfortable? I don't know. I don't know what the explanation is for why, when Alex was given a bag of hand-me-downs, she pulled out sweatpants that say JUICY across the ass, she asked Josh if she could wear them, and he said yes.

Maybe he wasn't paying attention. Maybe Josh said yes because he says yes to everything they ask. Maybe he doesn't get why he should have said no. Or at least told Alex to ask me or Danielle, who would have told her she knows the answer was no.

Danielle called me this morning after I'd left for school asking if I knew what Alex wore. When she told me, I asked Danielle why she would LET Alex do that. You could hear her smirking through the phone as she explained, "Al didn't ask me."

Great, so now my little sister is prancing around the South Bronx in pants that say JUICY across her ass all day. Furious does not even begin to describe it. I don't even wear clothes that have words across the ass! Even if I owned pants like that I wouldn't wear them outside the house! I told Danielle that since she didn't stop Alex from doing something dangerous she has to be the one to cancel her after-school plans to get Alex from school, bring her to dance and then bring her home.

Sometimes I really hate being the oldest one.

World series, baby!

We all went to Josh's parent's house to watch the World Series on their huge-screen tv. It's fun to watch something happening in the Bronx, so close to where we lived. My friend Jenna called me and said the area was literally vibrating and it felt like the entire city was screaming through her windows.

Josh's mom ordered in deli food for dinner and we ate and screamed and cheered. Then we took a cab home.

Now my throat hurts, but I don't mind because we have a lot of deli food to eat tomorrow (and probably Friday too).

Maybe I need a third job?

My tutoring people keep canceling. Everyone has the flu. Swine or regular, it doesn't matter since they're too sick for me to come over. I am losing so many hours of tutoring over the last three weeks, it's insane.

I am thinking about taking a bartending course and then getting a couple of bartending shifts.

Alex keeps being shocked to see me show up at her dance place after school, because all my work died that day.

Horrified

Dani came home almost in tears. She was on the train standing near a tourist couple who were sitting down. The husband wanted the wife to go up to the front to ask a question. The wife was scared she'd fall trying to stand and walk while the train was moving.

Danielle said the man looked at his wife with total venom and snapped, ""Phyllis, are you an engineer? Exactly. You're not an engineer, you never know anything because you are stupid, but you keep sticking your nose into things you know nothing about. Keep your mouth shut and just go find out for me."

How does anyone put up with being talked to like that from someone who is supposed to be an equal? If Josh ever said that to me I'd pack up my sisters and be out of here so fast his head would spin. How does anyone come to think they have the right to talk to someone that way? Isn't he so embarrassed to be caught being such an asshole in public?

Our dog

Me and my sisters have wanted a dog forever. When we used to sleep in the same room, our favorite conversations were about our future dog. What breed, what we'd name it, what we'd teach it to do. This has been like our lifelong goal. We have always planned that when we moved out of Aunt Elaine's that would be when we would get the dog.

Well we moved out. Josh likes dogs. We have enough space for a little dog. Nobody is allergic.

Yeah we're not getting a dog. There is no time to take care of it! I am busy with school and work and work and sisters and boyfriend. Josh is busy with school and friends and me. Alex is busy with school and dance. Danielle is busy with school and work and her school is really hard. We have no time. I am so crushed.

Smooth

My sisters and I love when Josh goes home to his parents. Not only because it's nice to get a break from having a boy around, but also because he always comes back with something random he's stolen from their home. Crock pot? Sure, we'll use one! Blender? Sure, we like smoothies!

Sometimes Josh bring us funny things, like vitamins, an umbrella, or a couple of rolls of paper towel. He kind of goes shopping in their house. I'm not sure if they know. Should I be sending a thank you note? Should I hide things when they come over?

Home teaching

So I was reading this blog the other day about how teachers are so busy with their own lives they barely have time to call student's homes, let alone visit them at home. Well. I think that's bullshit. If you care, you'll make the time. Both my sisters go to school in the Bronx. If Alex gets into the high school she wants, next year she'll get out, but the high school school Danielle wanted was in the Bronx so that's where she goes. Most of her teachers don't live in the Bronx. They live in Scarsdale or Brooklyn or somewhere.

Some of Dani's teachers called to check on her since she's missed so much school this month. Two of them came over to go through some work with her. One came last week and brought a pudding pie. One came over the weekend and brought her sons with her. Danielle is way behind in her work. She'd almost caught up after her swine flu before getting sick again. Except that Dani told me she didn't really understand what she'd done.

For most of last week Danielle put so much effort into being able to breathe that she couldn't concentrate on schoolwork at all. Yesterday was the first day she stayed up for the whole day without needing a nap. Today Danielle started making noise about going to school tomorrow. I told her she can go Wednesday.

Break over

I got sick like a week ago. Three days later I was over it. Danielle was not as lucky. She is still sick. She's missed a week of school. She hasn't gone to work. I have been going to her work for her to save the job so it doesn't get given away to somebody else. I am a little bit exhausted. I am tired of bagels. Right now I wouldn't eat another bagel if you paid me.

Short and sw...ick

Hazwani, Craig mostly just listened and was like, "Yeah, that sounds rough." "Yeah, communication is really hard sometimes." "Yeah, time management can be a real bitch." He told me when I was done being shrinked he wasn't going to shrink me anymore, and I guess he's sticking to that.

Am sick. Was suggested that maybe sleeping an average of four hours or less is not the way to stay healthy. I need to get better immediately because it's almost Danielle's birthday. But first I really need to like, lay in bed and be miserable and look pathetic.

Um can I send Josh to his parent's house until I feel better enough to blow out my hair and like, look better?

Stupid, stupid, stupid

Did the dumbest thing today. I got home at about 5:15. Made dinner. Then I went to lay down for a few minutes before eating. Like five minutes, just before dinner. Yeah, Alex woke me up at 9:30 to say goodnight. Now its almost 4am and I still haven't been able to go to bed. Tomorrow morning is going to be harsh.

Purge

Craig came over today. With his wife. And daughter. Who is like not yet three, I think.

I forgot they were coming. This means we didn't clean. We didn't finish the two bottles of wine that Josh brought back from his parent's house. There may have been a joint in our bedroom. As Alex and I showed Craig each room, Danielle was running ahead to the next one to hide things and clean.

At one point Craig opened the refrigerator and then turned to me smiling. "The good foods are in front. You don't have to hide things in the back anymore." He also commented on the smell, and how it's not smokey anymore. We grinned at each other. It was corny. We sat on the floor in my sisters' room and talked while Craig's wife and kid hung out in the living room. I told him about how it is with Josh, that he never understands why I can't do things, that I never understand how he spends so much money so easily.

I told Craig about Josh inviting me on his family's vacation in December. How I can't go because I can't afford it, can't leave my sisters, and can't afford to take the time off from work. How Josh told me flat out he hadn't even thought of any of those things. How much of a disaster the whole pajama thing was. How I came home earlier in the week from working late and spent two hours quizzing Alex for tests she had the next day and then laying in bed talking to Danielle for a long time, and Josh was angry. Angry that he ate dinner with my sisters and then I spent all night with them, not him, then first started my own homework. That I can't live Josh's lifestyle.

I told Craig about college. How I am going and my mother was going to go when Alex started school and then she never did and now I am. How I listen to other kids trash talk their parents. How I listen to them scream at their parents and curse them out on their iPhones. How I feel it in my chest, that I need to talk to her and I am running out of ability to wait. How I need her to look at my sisters and tell me what to do and how to do it better. How I miss my mommy.

Eating money

It turns out that when you get scholarships they go directly to your college, not you. Then your college uses them to pay whatever money you owe. Then if there is anything left over, the college sends you the remainder. I applied for a lot of scholarships. Like, a lot, a lot. Last week I finally got the last scholarship check from my school (until I apply for more).

Naturally I blew it all on coke and whores! PAR-TAY! Just kidding.

Yeah so this weekend Danielle and I spent a disgusting amount of time figuring out how much money we have from scholarships and how many months it will last. Then we figured out how much I should earn each month from both jobs combined. Then we figured out our non-essential needs like Alex's dance stuff and Danielle's geek supplies (like her hundred dollar calculators and stuff). Then we got way confused and started again from the beginning because what we came up with made no sense. Then we called Alex over to double-check our work because it still didn't make sense.

Alex came out with the same conclusion we did. Which is that after rent and groceries and transportation and all our non-essential needs, we will still have money left over. Like every month. Alex and I were all about saving because if we save enough months in a row that'll pay for like a whole new month of rent. Danielle was like, "We should throw a party!" Um no.

We finally agreed that we will blow one month's leftover money on one thing each of us chooses. Danielle wants us to each get our own nail polish. Normally we all agree on one color and share that bottle until it's used up, then get a new one. Now she wants choices. I want to get flowers. Alex wants us to all go out to eat. At a real restaurant, like a family.

Danielle and I stared at Alex in shock. We've hung out in coffee shops together, and while I worked at the diner sometimes all three of us were there, but I don't think we've ever really formally gone out to eat.

Josh was in the living room studying the entire time this was going on and when Alex said her choice he got up and his face was all dark and he left, like he was angry. So I caught up with him in the hallway and before I could say anything Josh held his hand up and was like "No, I can't talk to you now," so I went back inside.

Maybe an hour later he called and asked me to meet him downstairs, outside. Josh didn't look angry anymore, just weird. He took my hand and we walked, crunching on the leaves. After a couple of blocks Josh told me that he knew that my sisters and I had a system for how we do money, but it's really hard for him to stay out of things when all my sisters want is nail polish and a nice dinner out. "Flowers? Come on Sam, you know I'll get you flowers. Danielle can have a different nail polish for each day of the month." Then Josh said sometimes he forgets how we live and then he hears us talking for hours about things he never even thinks of and it throws him.

I tried to tell him it means more to us the way we're doing it. That if he got Danielle 30 bottles of nail polish they wouldn't mean as much to her as her getting one that's all hers. Josh cut me off and said he knew and he is just thrown by how extremely opposite places we come from. It was a half really awkward and half really mushy talk.

When we got back home right before we walked in I reminded Josh not to buy Danielle any nail polish. But then I told him he can get me flowers if he really wants to.

I need embarrassing girlie help

It has been brought to my attention that I do not know how to buy appropriate um pajamas. Normally I just wear to sleep whatever shirt I wore during the day, and take off my jeans.

Any time I've had pajamas, they're from Target and either Nick and Nora or Xhilaration. Like I have a hot pink baseball jersey night shirt from Xhilaration that I got two or three years ago. What I showed Josh I was thinking of getting, he said was appropriate for my little sisters. When I told him I've always wanted those fancy flannel matching pajamas he closed his eyes and shook his head no. Josh said that basically nothing for bed should come from Old Navy or Target.

When I asked where things should come from, he said Victoria's Secret or Agent Provocateur or Bloomingdales. Three places I have never shopped. Three places whose prices intimidate me (never mind some of the stuff they sell intimidating me). I really need to work on getting some girlie friends.

So clearly I need help. Help?

Maybe I'm just a big whiner

This morning I was telling Josh how upset I was about the friends thing, and the college thing, and the work thing, and the clothing thing, and the sisters thing and there may have been some crying involved. Lucky for me Josh did not run out never to return. To his credit he also did not ask if I'm getting my period, although maybe he just values his balls and that's why.

Josh said that if I want him to kick friends out when it's time for dinner then I should just tell him. He also said he doesn't really care what I wear to bed but if I want he will take me somewhere to get nicer stuff. Josh offered to help me write out a schedule if that will help me carve out free time.

I may have cried a second time. So embarrassing. Josh put his pillow in front of his face and was like "Okay I don't know what to do with a crying girl so can you just tell me when you're done?" which was kind of funny.

Later I looked at the calendar and it turns out I maybe sort of am PMSing. It made me feel stupid and mad at myself for acting so girly. But I'm totally going to take Josh up on all his offers. I am not sure if that makes me a user or whatever. Living with a boy is really complicated.

Play dates

When we lived with Aunt Elaine I was sure that once we moved out we'd have friends over every day, and we'd serve spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread when they stayed for dinner. I don't know why - we barely ever made meatballs. When I was little my nana would make that every Sunday but I can't remember what my mom made when friends stayed for dinner.

Anyway, it hasn't quite turned out the way I thought it would. It hadn't crossed my mind that I would be so busy every day. I was so sure that getting out of Aunt Elaine's would equal more free time. Not sure what went wrong there. Didn't realize that if Josh had a friend over and Alex had a friend over, that I'd be having to clean up after them or be the bad guy who bitches at them to clean up. Or that if Josh and his friend decided to order pizza for dinner, Alex and Dani would want pizza too instead of a real dinner. Oh and by the way, two boys can totally eat an entire pizza without the help of three girls. Which means like $15 to order a second pie. Then my sisters think I'm a bitch when I say no. It's like everything falls apart when friends come over.

So now that I finally can have friends over, I don't even really want to and it's too complicated. Never mind that I don't feel like there's any time to create friendships. I'm so sad. I hate everybody. So much for college being the best time of my life. Seems like college just sucks slightly less than high school on the home front, but is much more work on the school front. I hate my life.

Schooling

There are rumors about college when you're in high school. Like that you don't have to ask permission to leave the classroom. That one's true. Like that if you do it creatively, you can drop a curse in an English essay. That one's true too, though it may depend on the specific professor.

What's not true is that you can take any class that interests you. You can't. Firstly, there are all these pre-requisites to the interesting classes. Secondly, there are all these core classes that like, everyone has to take, no matter what direction they want to go in, major-wise. So when I thought there would be different people in each class I take, that's not really true. There are some people who are in three or four classes with me.

I am embarrassed to admit that not only does Danielle help me with my biology homework, but she laughs at how easy it is. Ugh and same thing with my math. Bitch is wicked smart. She's going to wind up at like some crazy smart-people school. Like MIT or something.

What's nice is that nobody gives you shit over little things, like how you're dressed. I mean, other kids might, but nobody's going to kick you out of class for a t-shirt or whatever. My college uniform is all my ripped jeans, a tank top and a sweater. One of the girls who is in four of my core classes wears a business suit and every day her hair is up in a tight bun. She hates me because of how I dress and always looks at me disapprovingly and makes little comments under her breath.

Also, as long as you're quiet and neat about it you can eat and drink in classes, which I really like. It's hard to believe some people gave themselves a two-hour break in the middle of each day for lunch. I plow through in as little time as possible.

Welcome to New York. Now get outta my way.

There are all these stereotypes about New York that aren't true. Like that it's dangerous. It's not. Use a little common sense and a little streets smarts and you'll be fine. You're more likely to be given shit if you are white and cross the street when you see a group of black men than if you just stayed on the same side of the street they're walking down. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know not to put your bags on the ground and turn away from them. I can't even tell you how many times I've walked by tourists, scooped up their bag, then held it up in front of them saying "Welcome to Manhattan. Keep a better eye on your stuff." Their jaws always drop. Seriously this happens like once a week.

Like that everyone is mean here. We're not. Someone told me in other parts of the country, if you're walking up or down subway steps with a stroller, nobody will help you carry it. I can't imagine how anyone could be that rude. In New York, everyone around you will reach out to help carry it. This morning while a guy yelled at one of his kids not to run off he completely forgot about his other kid and I had to yank her back as she stepped off the curb. We will pick up the shit you dropped, turn you around to face the direction you need to go in when we overhear you saying "So I think we just walk six blocks this way to get to American Girl."

Like that everyone is out to kidnap your kid. We're not. We don't care about your fucking kid. All the citizens of New York are not your personal tour guide. Do not turn to me in front of your kid and ask me to tell you "a little something about this here building we're standing in front of." It's a building. That's all I know. That's all I need to know, unless I can cut through it to get somewhere else.

Here is the thing about New Yorkers. We are jaded as all hell. And we are in a rush. Why? Because we have to beat all the other people going there, so we don't have to wait behind them. That's why everyone says New York moves so fast. We're trying to get ahead of everyone else. We will totally body slam you out of the way if you stop in the middle of the sidewalk to gaze up in wonderment at the tall buildings.

People say being nice doesn't take extra time. That's not true. It totally does. It's much faster for me to deal by saying "'scuse me" as I gently bump you out of my way, than to stop and explain that if you could please be so kind as to step aside, I'd like to get by and thanks and have a great day and enjoy your stay in Manhattan. Fuck that. I'm not a fucking tour guide.

If you're going to be rude enough to interrupt me to ask for directions, say please when you ask and thank you when I answer. Otherwise, you are ruining it for the next round of tourists who will ask me directions next week, because I lump you all together and will send them to Harlem when they ask how to get to South Street Seaport.

So if you are visiting New York City, here are a few tips for you:

1. Do not put any of your things down. This also means do not leave any of your things and walk away from them (diners in restaurants, I am talking to you).
2. When you are crossing the street, do not stop or go back. Just walk. Fast.
3. Do not ask girl cops for directions. They don't like to give them.
4. If you are asking a vendor for directions, buy something from them first. Things will go better for you if you do.
5. Do not stand there after you've paid and try to get me to agree that wow, things surely are super duper expensive out here in New! York! City! I live here. I know exactly how expensive it is here. Commenting about it will not get street vendors to lower the price.
6. Ray's is decent pizza. Don't call it hole-in-the-wall.
7. Do not get stuck in front of turnstiles. Watch other people going through so you will know how when it's your turn. If you are too dumb to figure it out, you must leave immediately and go back to North Dakota.
8. Do not split up from your group and agree to meet at some huge landmark. You will NEVER find Bobby Joe if you plan to meet him at "Penn Station." Penn Station takes up like an entire city block. Pick one of the restaurants in or near Penn Station, or agree to meet under the LIRR board or something. Same goes for Grand Central and especially for the tree at Rockerfeller Center.
9. Do your damn research, and be prepared. Don't get onto the bus and first ask how much it costs. There was this cool invention over a decade ago called the internet. Use it.
10. Thank you. Now go back home. Yes I know you are good for tourism and all that and without you blah blah blah but holy shit you are so annoying. Just move faster, say less, and think a little bit!