Grownupping is exhausting

Sometimes I forget to put on deodorant (luckily not too often, but still). Sometimes I eat standing over the sink because the idea of having to wash a dish exhausts me. Sometimes I just cut corners because being a grownup is too much. Living AND going to school AND going to work AND going to Other work AND my sisters AND Josh is just ... a lot.

Sometimes when one of my sisters comes to talk to me about a problem or a big decision I just want to tell them to deal with it themselves. Can't you just figure it out and if whatever you decided was a mistake then deal with that too? That's what I've done. Granted, my life is not that impressive, but still, it's not anything to be ashamed of either.

Tonight I did something really stupid. I was studying while I was making dinner and cut my finger because I wasn't paying attention to the right thing. Blood, like alcohol, cooks out right? Well, we can all use a little more protein. My mom used to say that haste makes waste and I am forever reminding myself to slow down. The truth is the only time I actually do it is getting in and out of the shower.

Any time the tiniest difficult thing happens, Josh always says he needs a vacation. Well, I think I need a vacation now too.

Next door

Honestly I am really surprised how everyone's all for Dani paying expenses and stuff. Really she just pays for her share of our cell phone bill and that's it. Her school is so much more intense than my high school was that it seemed wrong to make her use up almost all her non-school time working. I figured as long as she kept up high grades then it was worth it.

Josh told his parents what Danielle told us. I know, because Laurie called me to talk about it. She said she very strongly feels Dani shouldn't have to get a job her freshman year of college. I reminded her that I had one. "Yes, and I wasn't pleased. However, it was not an ideal situation and we recognized that." Dani's applying for every single scholarship she qualifies for, and probably some she doesn't. I don't like to count on those - I'm always worried the world will explode and all of a sudden college won't be paid for. But if she gets enough then books will be covered too, and really Dani won't cost any more money in college than she does now.

The same issue will apply in college for Dani too - her classes are going to be all sciencey and hard. Harder than in her school now. So I am not sure about charging her rent or anything. All I am sure about is that she shouldn't tell Alex, who will definitely cry at the idea of having to sleep in her own room every night.

Shocker

Dani is much smarter than me. I can fight better than she can, and might be a little more street smart than she is, but other than that, she's definitely way ahead of me. Like when I do a math problem I start at the beginning and work through all the steps. Even with that, if I stop in the middle for any reason it means going back to the beginning. Heaven help anyone who interrupts during math homework. Dani can glance at a math problem and start at step four. She can barely write fast enough to keep up with her brain. When I have to write a paper, there are multiple drafts, lots of crossing out and editing. These things took me almost an hour to write when I started. Dani has almost the whole thing written out in her head and just types as fast as she can before she forgets, only stopping to look up a detail here or there.

When Danielle started science school she announced that she was moving out for college. She's spent three years talking about "when I move out..." I've always expected she would do it, and had some secret plan for how she'd afford it. Tonight after I thought Dani had gone to sleep, she knocked on our door and came to sit on our bed. Josh asked if he should leave, but Dani told him no, it wasn't a girly talk.

"This pains me more than you can possibly know. Sadly, it's probably going to pain you a lot too." I had no idea what she was talking about. For a second, I wondered if she was pregnant. When I looked at Josh it was obvious he was thinking the same thing.

Danielle is not pregnant. Thank god. Fifty times over. She's made a decision about college though, and she wants to keep living here, with the understanding she can stop sharing a room with Alex and take over the study room. I asked what about college and the whole moving out thing. Dani told us she decided it doesn't make sense. Kind of smiled. "You know your stupid budget that you're always checking? I kind of made two." She made one for if she moved out and one for if she stayed here. "It's really hard to earn enough money to support yourself!" Yeah, no shit.

I was about to tell her of course she could stay, but Josh cut me off and told her we'd think about it and let her know. Then he said good night, like he was dismissing her. I've noticed it's a rich people thing. His mother can say thank you in a way that lets you know you're to leave too. Danielle gave me a weird look, but mumbled good night and left.

Josh explained that we have all been planning on Dani moving out this coming August and for her to decide she's not shouldn't be something she gets to dictate. It seemed very parent-y of him, and like posturing for no reason. Josh suggested that we tell Dani if she wants to stay, then she has to work and contribute money to paying for stuff. I am not sure about any of this.

Most awkward talk ever

Tonight we had a fire family dinner with one of the families that is obvious about it being a chore. We were supposed to go to them in November, and back in December they told us January 22nd was the first Sunday they were free.

Danielle and I had a big talk about it, and she said it would be much easier to tell them to their faces, as we were saying goodbye. Her logic was that if we left them a note we'd worry about their reaction until we talked with them next. If we sent them an e-mail it would be the same situation. Danielle's suggestion was that we just tell them, as we were putting our jackets on, that everything is crazy hectic lately and could we contact them when things calmed down.

It sounded like the biggest load of bullshit to me. When I told Dani that she got angry and told me to come up with something better to say. The truth is I couldn't. The only thing I decided we should change is to add a thank you. On the way there, I begged Danielle to say it, and she refused. $32 later, she agreed. I gave her $10 as soon as she agreed and promised to give her the rest by Monday night.

When we were leaving, I took Alex's hand and walked a little bit away after saying goodbye, to give Danielle space to do her thing. It was too far away to hear what she was saying, but Dani later told me she went into some weird zone where she didn't even feel like she was inside her body as she was saying it.

I asked Danielle if she'd do this with all the people who don't seem to like our dinners. We then entered intense negotiations to sort out who would give the speech in the future. After half an hour and almost half a pint of ice cream it was agreed she will do the next one, I will listen, and then we will switch off and alternate.

Out of nowhere

Josh's mom called last night to ask if she could meet up with Alex after school and take her for a snack. Alex came home in time for dinner all happy and excited. Apparently Laurie is going to be re-decorating her house and wants to get Al's opinion on furniture and stuff. 

I'm not sure if Laurie genuinely thinks Alex has good taste or she's humoring her hobby. But now all is all pumped up and has announced she is going to go to college to be an interior designer for that to be her backup after dancing.

Now Al thinks she's all impressive and twice we've caught her standing in the middle of a room, studying it critically. To be honest, I don't get it. I'm terrible at this stuff and don't think it matters much. I'm not very girly when it comes to decorating while Alex is all about creating ambiance and reading articles on feng shui for apartments. It's probably good she'll have an outlet for this stuff. Or something.

Six days

Supposedly even Olympic athletes only work out six days a week. Josh and I have been going running Mondays through Thursdays lately. Except for when he's on vacation. Or one of us has a test or paper due. Or one of us is just too tired. I can usually talk a sister into running with me though, and once our gay neighbor was headed out to run on a night Josh wasn't around so I asked him to wait five minutes and we went running together. I thought it'd be weird to talk with a grownup but we just talked about restaurants and food and cooking and stuff. He didn't even say once "When I was a kid..."

Becca and I got together this weekend. I thought we'd go do something fun and had brought $20 prepared to spend it, but Becca asked me to help her clean out her clothes. It kind of sucked and made Becca promise next time we'll go out and not clean. I clean enough at home.

My sisters staged a revolt against the plan I had for them helping with dinner. Their compromise was that I should expect one of them to help each night, but I don't get to dictate which one. Whichever one shows up is who will help for all of dinner and they'll sort out who's turn it is and I'm to not care. I don't really understand why they prefer this to what I'd said, but honestly, if the goal is to get help and I'm getting it there's no reason to care who's providing it.

We got three cheap Bento boxes and I'm using them for snacks. This feels better than going through a ton of sandwich bags every day. So I'm trying to eat every 3-4 hours. Even with bringing snacks, I still forget to eat them sometimes when school is busy. A lot of people eat in class, but I feel like that's really rude and can't bring myself to do it. Right now we're eating a lot of those tiny oranges and I'd feel bad making a classroom smell like oranges. It goes better on the days I bring cheese to school.

Resolutions are really hard.

We should do something

This is what Danielle told me when she woke up this morning. Tomorrow everyone has off for MLK Jr. Day. So I think maybe we'll go ice skating first thing in the morning. I bet a lot of other people will have the same idea, but hopefully we'll get there early enough. This is not enough for Dani though, she wants more, bigger. She wants to do something tonight involving staying out late since there's no school tomorrow.  I told her to suggest something since my idea wasn't enough and she wants to go see a movie. This was such a relief - there'd been a moment of panic while she was thinking, and I was worried she'd come out with something huge and expensive and impossible.

Later, Dani skipped up me and announced her friend Tyler is coming with us to the movies tonight. When I looked at her surprised, she told me Josh had suggested she bring someone, like a double-date. Um really? Okay I guess, but it would have been nice if Josh had run something like that by me before telling my little sister to go out and find herself a date.

Running

My sisters and I have almost always gotten the knock-off Converse sneakers. We wear them into the ground and then squeeze a few more months out of them before getting new ones. The other day when Josh and I got back from our nightly run, he watched me taking off my shoes near the door and suggested I get real running shoes.

My gut instinct was to wonder how much it would cost, how many weeks of saving it would take, what other extras would get pushed aside to fit that in. Then, fuck it. "Want to buy me some?" Josh gave me a shit-eating grin. "Sure!" Today we went shopping.

Normally when I buy sneakers I just walk up to the aisle with my size and grab the box. This was different. A girl zeroed in on us right away and asked how she could help. She asked to see me walk. She asked what I'd be using the sneakers for. She laced them for me. When I leaned forward to grab the other one out of the box and lace it Josh caught my eye and gave a tiny shake of his head. So we sat there doing nothing while the girl did it for me.

She had me walk back and forth in a few different pair. On the second pair, I whispered to Josh to ask if this was taking too long. He shook his head no. It seemed like a boring thing to do - watch a person try on shoe after shoe, but the girl told me, "I've seen tons of bored boyfriends in here, and he's not one of them."

On the fourth pair I'd had enough. The girl was telling me all these things, they meant nothing to me since I didn't understand what she was talking about, I couldn't keep straight which facts went with which shoes, and despite what she'd said I felt bored on Josh's behalf. So I told her the fourth pair were great, let's get them. Then I made the mistake of asking how much they cost. Sneakers shouldn't cost $135 unless they come with two pairs of jeans.

I quietly asked the girl if she had a sneaker sort of like that, except at at least half the cost. She immediately looked at Josh like, "Help me!" That felt insulting. She told us, "Why don't I let you two talk," and walked away. I whispered to Josh that there was no way in hell over $100 was being spent on shoes. He kissed my nose. "Price is not your problem tonight. If you like them and they fit, you're getting them."

So. Hello. My name is Sam and I own $135 sneakers. Plus tax.

Let's blame it on the full moon

People who go on cruises know there are specific times of the year to go to certain places. So you go to Alaska in the summer. Plus because it's like, a boat, you have to go when the boat is taking off. You can't just choose your own dates. Also plus, sometimes you have to fly to get where the boat will push off from.

Josh came back saying we're going on the Alaska cruise with his parents. And his grandparents. I wish Danielle and I were twins so I could send her in my place. Those grandparents are super intense.

Before I could properly panic about going on a cruise with so many grownups, Josh told me he would be needing another vacation before the winter ends. Okay, it's like 50 degrees here! Well maybe not quite that warm, but still. Global warming is here. Why does Josh need to go to Antigua or wherever? How does he know when he needs a vacation? How come I never need one?

Josh gave me no time to go down that line of thought and immediately told me that really, the minimum should be three vacations a year, not two. We need one in the fall or near Christmas, one in the winter, and one in the summertime. I bet he could come up with reasons we need to go once a month.

Tripping

Josh: Our deal was that you'd carve out a week twice a year to go on vacations with me.
Sam: I know.
J: Here's my list of places I want to go with you given our week-long time allowance, and here's my list of dates there's time off school.
S: Whoa. Can we even get to all these places and back within one week?
J: Technically since we'll have a weekend there'll be Sunday, then a week, then a weekend so that's nine days. But yeah I only put places that work for a week.
S: Okay can I be honest with you?
J: Uh-oh.
S: When we went to New England I didn't have as much fun as when we went to Florida because we rushed to pack in so much. There was almost no time to stand still and soak in any fun moments.
J: Oh. Okay. So we won't go to Europe for a week, that's okay.
S: What do these things mean?
J: There's a key at the bottom. That one means it's a cruise.
S: We could go on a cruise?
J: Sure.
S: Isn't it ... boring? To just be stuck on a boat for so long? And claustrophobic?
J: No, no! The ships are amazing and have tons of stuff to do, plus they dock in fun places every couple of days so you can explore.
S: That sounds kind of fun....
J: It IS! So can we book a cruise? Want to go to Alaska?
S: And then the ship would dock in different parts of Alaska?
J: Sure, like at Sarah Palin's place, where we could look at Russia ...

Quitter

I want to quit fire family dinners on Sunday nights. For one thing, I'm super busy. Between work, other work, school, sisters, Josh and home, carving out four or five hours each Sunday evening is a big deal. For another, if I'm not busy, I'd rather spend the time with Josh. We get so little waking time together.

Also, the purpose was to make us feel like we were still part of them, it was a connection to Topher. But at this point, it's been so many years that we've heard all their Topher stories by now. We know of all the silly things girls did to flirt with him, all the prank jokes Topher played on the guys and the pranks they played on him. We know all the times he did something heroic to help or save someone.

Plus, it's plainly obvious we're an obligation to them. Well that's maybe not fair. Most, not all. There have been signs for years that we're an oversight. I bought stamps and the three of us sat and made Christmas cards for all our fire families. We mailed them out exactly three weeks before Christmas. It's now like a week after, and we got two mailed back (one addressed to Daniel). There have been times we've been served leftovers, and times we've been served a defrosted casserole. We never say anything besides thank you, but it makes my heart sink each time. Sometimes we're having conversations and it's clear they're not listening. Three years ago I asked to get a tour of Randall's Island and it hasn't happened.

I just ... don't want to bother anymore. The majority of them seem so put out. The thing is this is so .... unofficial, so slapped together a decade ago when everything was raw that there's no method for extraction. How do you walk away from a favor without calling people out on being bitter for providing that favor?

There are some people I want to stay in touch with. The people who call me when they'll be in the city to see if we can meet up. The ones who insisted on Josh coming to dinner so they could meet and inspect him. The ones who taught me what it means to deep condition your hair, to take two aspirin before getting waxed. The ones who call during the week to find out how something went that was mentioned at Sunday's dinner. So yeah, I want to quit dinners.

Resolutions

I'm not really into things like New Year's resolutions. Except the last few months, I keep thinking of things that fall into the category of "Really gotta get on that..." Since that list is kept in my head and my head is stuffed, I keep forgetting so I'm always walking around triple-checking that my keys are in my pocket, my professor's email address was typed correctly when I emailed in my paper. It's exhausting to always feel like you're forgetting something, to consistently have a low-level of panic that something is slipping through the cracks but you're not sure what.

1. find the book about inspiring through motivation instead of fear professor suggested
2. do better with making friends and doing stuff with them
3. make sure to buy fewer black clothes when buying
4. get everyone to help more consistently
5. find replacement word for retarded
6. help Dani plot out college calendar
7. eat more consistently
8. work out most days

That's it. 

An honest job

My mom never wanted any of us to work at fast food restaurants. I'm not sure if it's because their food is crap and she thought if we worked there we'd be more likely to eat there, or she had some other reason. So far she's gotten her wish though, and it looks good for the future. We're wrong, but my sisters and I always joke about having a job at Burger King as being the worst thing in the world, as if that's the ultimate sign of failure. Of course it's not, of course it's a perfectly honest job, a job you have to physically work hard at, a job that is legal and moral.

The other day this boy Chris came over. We went to high school together and he'd run into Dani at the beginning of the month and told her to have me get in touch. So it was the day after Christmas and he showed up. When he walked past me to come inside, I noticed he smelled bad. Like sweat. No, like dirty sweat. Clean sweat smells kind of good. Also, he smelled like cigarettes and weed.

I couldn't remember where Chris wound up going to college, so I apologized and asked. He laughed and talked about failing out in his first semester. Chris asked if I'm still working at the diner, so I filled him in on the office gig and tutoring. He told me about how he's been going on vacation two or three times a year and was kind of boasting about it. He clearly wanted me to be jealous, and I was. Finally I asked how he was affording all these trips to Florida and Mexico.

The answer? By pimping himself out. He blows guys for money. My jaw was on the floor. Apparently Chris has two regulars hiring him every week who pay very well (really? do guys pay guys more for oral than they pay girls? because the hookers i grew up knowing probably only got around $30 or so for a blowjob) and a few random extra people. I asked if Chris does ass sex too, and he got all indignant about not being gay. I didn't ask then why is he blowing guys, but wanted to.

At some point I told Chris, "Of all things, this is definitely not the direction I saw you going in." He laughed. "Hey, it's an honest job. Nothing more pure and basic than sex, right?"  Umm ... actually ...

The glass Chris drank out of is on the counter with a piece of paper taped to it that says "Don't drink out of me." I am not sure it's possible to wash it thoroughly enough.

Happy chanukah, now leave

Josh and his parents (and some of their friends) are leaving tomorrow for their vacation. So we had the parents over for a going-away brunch of bagels and lox. I don't know if a going-away brunch is a real thing, but we proposed it and they came. Early this morning I spent some time cutting melon and pineapple into dreidels and stars of david. Considered trying to do a menorah but knew it wouldn't come out well and I'd just wind up angry about throwing out food, so didn't bother. For dessert we got jelly donuts.

We'd agreed to exchange presents today and it felt weird, like cheating almost, to open Christmas presents before Christmas. I held back two little gifts for my sisters so they'll have something to open on Sunday. It was really touching that Laurie got Christmas wrapping paper - I know she got it specifically for our presents.

At the last party at her house Laurie discovered a red wine stain from a bottle and quietly told me that always happens and it drives her nuts. So I bought Laurie these fancy wine coaster thingies. I got two - one for white, one for red. She seemed to like them - so did Josh's dad - but Laurie's also super polite and it's hard to be sure.

It seemed like they had somewhere else to be. Josh's dad kept looking at the time. He did it so much that it made me anxious and after a while I just wanted them to go already and stop worrying about being late to whatever their next obligation was.

We got our new bedding. I was prepared this time, and smiled and said thank you. There's a sheet that's blue and altogether, it looks pretty good. I made Josh ask his parents if our old bedding could be donated. So now it's sitting in a box and tomorrow me and my sister will bring it to a firehouse for them to give someone who needs it. So it's okay now.

The aftermath of crying in the shower

(Vinny, I'm not the type to jump up and down waving while squealing but if I were I'd do it to say hi back.)

You know how there's the Cute Cry, where you just look at someone with big eyes while tears silently roll down your cheeks? That's how Alex cries most of the time. Then there's the Ugly Cry where if a guy sees it, he wants to flee and you are gasping for breath and look horrible.

It was the Ugly Cry the other night and nobody needs to see that. When I'd calmed down and washed my face and then calmed down some more then yes, we did have a big talk. During our talk I wound up crying again but at least it was the Cute Cry. Mostly.

All I wanted to do was sleep in for a morning. For the entire morning. It was the most luxurious feeling. Josh got told he had to make the applesauce himself and was given a recipe. I chose the latkes because it's the easier thing to make.

It's hard to understand how a guy can sometimes be so considerate and other times be so outrageously clueless in how he comes across.

No, no - allow me

I routinely study for finals until 4am. Josh routinely studies for about two hours the night before a final. He goes to a harder school and we get about the same grades overall. So I guess Josh is smarter than I am. Fine. If I have to be average, then fine. But I wish he would respect my stupidity.

Tonight Josh came home and proudly dumped a huge bag of apples on the table in front of me. When I looked up he explained, "Tomorrow's the first night of Chanukah." I know this. I looked up the date last year, and have put aside $20 each paycheck for his presents. I did a ton of research. He's going to love them.

Except he wants something else. It is laid out that the prince wants potato latkes and homemade applesauce to go with them. Fuuuuuuuck. Who the hell has time for this shit? Fancy rich mothers who don't have jobs and can instruct their cook to do the work for them, that's who.

I locked myself in the bathroom with the shower running so I could cry. Once I heard Josh on the phone telling his friend, "Nah, I don't have to do anything; I just show up." It made my heart sink. It's like when a father says he's babysitting and it's his own children. Josh is great at helping if something specific is asked of him, and when a new system is instituted he'll follow it for about half a week.

It's not like it's that hard to make applesauce. It's practically like making mashed potatoes. It's the thought of it. The thought that it's not just applesauce, but also making the latkes too. Nothing ever ends. No matter what I do someone else will be waiting to announce they expect yet one more thing from me. Better hurry up and get on that before the next person in line steps forward with their demand. I want to run away from home.

Looking

In middle school I was friends with this girl (whose name I can no longer remember) who also had two little sisters. She was two years older than me. Her mother dated. I slept over one night and her boyfriend took all of us to Coney Island. The next morning the guy was gone, and the mother pulled me aside to tell me a second guy was coming over and that her girls knew not to mention the first one in front of him. The second guy showed up with six bags full of groceries.

When I got home I looked at my mother differently. I tried to imagine her juggling multiple guys, hustling them all the time. It had never really hit me before that she didn't date, because we just had such a busy household.  My brother dated a lot, but didn't seem serious about anyone. Half the time I didn't know if the girls with him were friends or girlfriends. Then there was Aunt Elaine. I don't say this to be mean, but I'm not sure if she's ever dated anyone.

So I guess I don't have a lot of real-life experience of how relationships are supposed to be. The ones on tv are there because they're either outrageous (see Sammi & Ronnie on Jersey Shore) or caricatures of how they're supposed to be. Maybe that's the wrong word. Nothing is on tv because it's right or normal. Every married couple on non-reality tv is lame. The wife always is totally together and hot, and the guy is always dorky or bald or fat and screwing things up. It's like they play into stereotypes of how the man doesn't know how to do laundry.

Becca told me her parents got married for health insurance purposes. They're still married, so it looks like that worked out okay for them. I just wish there were examples I could look at, for signs.

Plans

1. study
2. study
3. study
4. eat some jellybeans
5. study
6. study
7. go work out
8. study 
9. study
10. study
11. put hot-as-i-can-stand-it washcloth over eyes when eye muscles are twitching
12. study
13. study
14. study
15. take finals
16. collapse

No parents allowed

On a project for one of my classes I'd gotten bad feedback from my professor and talked my way into getting an extension, giving me time to redo it. Today I ran to drop off my project because today at the end of his office hours was the absolute deadline. He only had a half hour left in office hours when I got there, and his door was closed plus there were people waiting outside. Keeping an eye on the clock, I figured if it got to the point where there were only five minutes left, I'd just slide it under the door and also leave a voicemail saying I did that to get it to him under the deadline without interrupting.

My jacket was folded and I was sitting on it studying for my first final when the door opened and like three or four people walked out. Everyone kind of had that aggressive energy where you're trying to be polite because you're in front of the person who determines your grade but at the same time you'll cut a bitch if anyone cuts ahead of you in line. My professor looked at all of us waiting and announced, "This is college. You should be able to talk to me without your mommy. I don't bite." The guy leaning across the wall opposite me quietly told the woman next to him, "See? I told you."

I hadn't realized it at first, but it turned out I was the only one there without a parent. It's hard to be sure, but even if my mom were still alive, I can't quite imagine bringing her to school with me to just drop off a paper. My teacher told us he'd see whoever had shown up on their own first because he knew it'd be quick, so I popped up and walked in. Dropping my project on his desk, I nodded at the clock on the wall. "Made your deadline." He nodded. "Now if you'd brought your parents, grandparents and two favorite aunts, what's taking 30 seconds now would be taking 20 minutes. Thank you for giving me a shred of hope for the future."

My hope is this translates to my grade...

Bulking up

Josh and my sister went food shopping, and came home with things I hadn't put on the list. Like tin pans. Danielle has decided we should use these to bake in so cleaning up after dinner is easier. Well, can't call her stupid.

They also bought a bunch of things to make big dishes like lasagna, jambalaya, carrot soup, tomato soup (which leads to grilled cheese, obviously), all those types of foods. So today from like 5am to 1pm I cooked a whole bunch of stuff and froze it. Josh woke up right as I was finishing, and his eyes got really wide when he looked in the kitchen at all the mess. The  cooking was just continuous instead of cleaning as I went, the way I usually do. The kitchen was just a wreck.

Josh just looked around for a solid minute, nodded and told me he'd be back. I thought he meant after he got dressed, but then I heard the front door slam. 20 minutes later he was back with a dozen donuts and coffee. We each had two donuts, and after I felt the sugar coursing steadily through my veins I got up to tackle the kitchen. Josh put his hand on the center of my chest, pushed me back onto the couch and went in and started cleaning. Reason 9378 why he's the bomb.

Preparation is key

I made a chart of all our food, and which food is to be used for which meals. Everyone was given jobs. Josh is to confront the drunk Irish neighbor who likes to sing poorly off-key even after I go to bed. My sisters are each to cook twice a week. When one cooks, the other is to clean up. Josh is to empty the garbage after dinner on a sister cookery night, and is to either take us out to dinner or order in one night a week. On the night I cook, Josh is to clean up and a sister is to set the table and the other sister is to empty the garbage. Alex is doing laundry this weekend and Danielle is going food shopping with a list I'll give her. I washed all the fruit, so I can just toss a pear or apple in my bag each morning on the way out.

Tonight's dinner was cheese, pears, and crackers. Not exactly what I meant...

Commencing freakout

Finals are in about two weeks, and it feels like there is no way to possibly be ready in time.  Time needs to expand, and there needs to be an extra four to six hours starting around 2am. Then I could sleep during those hours, and do all my other stuff during the regular hours.

So much rushing around is happening that I am fucking things up left and right. This morning I brushed my teeth, then couldn't remember what to do next, and somehow brushed my teeth a second time. Totally forgot to wash my face. Forgot to eat lunch and in the middle of the afternoon got super dizzy for about a half hour. The whole day went like that. Josh poked his head into our bedroom and I was just standing there in jeans and a bra. When he asked what I was doing, again, I realized I'd forgotten where I was up to.

Of course Josh's solution involves money - take the day off tomorrow, sleep late, then go get a massage. It's when he says things like that, that I feel farthest away from him. That's how you wind up staying up even later than you ever meant to, staring at the walls, sure you're forgetting something huge while watching the clock.

Exploding virgins

My little(st) sister wanted to watch this show on tv about virgins tonight. So okay, it's about these grownups who are getting married and are not just virgins, but haven't even kissed someone. Ever. Oh except this one woman who says she's a reclaimed virgin? I don't even understand what that means exactly. All the times in the past she's had sex don't count? How does that work? As long as you don't get pregnant or an STD then it doesn't count? In some way doesn't it seem like mentally unhealthy to discount real things that have happened in your life?

Another thing that seemed weird to me is that these people who are like 29-35 are shown going on first dates and telling the people they're virgins. Now I haven't really dated that many guys in my life, but unless I was actually prepared to have sex on a first date, the subject probably wouldn't be brought up at all.

This one girl is getting married on the show, and she's never kissed anyone in addition to never having had sex. She seems to ask every single person for advice on how to kiss.  Then, she has her first kiss EVER at her wedding after they say "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss your bride." In front of everybody. I can't think of anything sexual that I'd want to do for the first time with an audience. Their first kiss, by the way, is awful. I've cringed less watching ugly people make out. The dad of the groom talks about being "a fly on the wall" on the couple's wedding night. EW! He wants to watch his SON have sex with his new daughter-in-law? I asked Josh if that's what his dad secretly thinks, and he could barely stop laughing as he shook his head no.

The 35 year old virgin guy tells the camera he doesn't think telling his date he's a virgin hurt his chances at all - that honesty is the best policy. Okay, there's being honest, and then there's handing someone your bank account and debit pin numbers. You can be honest without telling a person everything.

Alex asked if I think I'll be as giddy as the bride on the show on my wedding day. When she got a no, Al asked if it's because Josh is less uptight than the groom. Um no, it's because we've already had sex. She asked if I was nervous the first time. Josh said that was his cue to leave, and got up and walked away. That's how I wound up having an hour-plus-long conversation with my baby sister about losing one's virginity.

Turn it off

There's no step-by-step process of how to not quietly keep track of how much Josh spends on me. Sometimes I can almost feel okay if he pays for the big thing and I pay for something little to go with it. Like he pays for the movie tickets and I sneak the bottle of water in. Maybe that's not such a good example.

We went ice skating tonight, and every time, at some point Josh will ask if I want hot chocolate. I always tell him it's okay, I'll make some when we get home. Tonight I just said yes please. Josh did a double-take, but I pretended not to notice. He gave me a shit-eating grin as he handed me the cup. On our way home I asked why it made him smile that way.

"Because I'm making progress."

This is a goal of his? To get to pay for more stuff? I definitely do not understand boys.

Never old enough

We were at Josh's for the holiday, and I overheard him asking his mom how old she was when she and his dad got engaged. We agreed ages ago that we wouldn't even consider getting engaged until we'd lived together without my sisters. Unless we're in our bedroom with the door closed, all our conversations are interrupted by a sister. I think the only exception to that was our Florida trip. Which went well, but still. That's not enough of a test run. We need like a full year or something.

Josh asked me to think about getting engaged but then not getting married until we'd had time without my sisters. To be honest, I can't picture being married. I wish there was a list of what you're supposed to do as a wife. When I googled it, all that I found were things that seemed either religious or from the '50's. How do you ... be a wife? How do you know you're qualified?

I told Josh that I can't see myself having a wedding like those people on the tv shows. You know the girls who spend $5,000 on a wedding dress? Spending $5,000 on an entire wedding seems crazy to me. Josh just laughed at me, but I figured it's probably best to start managing expectations in advance. Bet you anything if I asked Alex, she's already got it all planned out.

It makes me nervous to know Josh is thinking about all this. I worry he'll spring a proposal when I'm not prepared, and the surprise will make me hurt his feelings. It's too bad I can't just get him to agree we won't bring it up on any level until we're like 35. There are still times I don't even feel old enough to be living with a boy.

Why it's important to coordinate

My sisters and I all accidentally color coordinated for Thanksgiving. It was so embarrassing. On the way home I told them, "This can never happen again." It really can't.

Quietly crazy

We didn't do the NYC Marathon. It's something like 26 miles. I think the most we've ever run is about ten miles. We just never got serious about training for it, and it's definitely not something where you can wing it. So maybe next year.

This girl in school has almost all the same classes as me. We're not friends. I think she's tried to make us friends, but I keep refusing. There's something off about her. Almost every single time we either interact or I see her talking to someone, that little warning bell goes off in my head, warning me to stay away.  It's not just the maniacal laugh, or the way she is very obvious about listening any time I'm on the phone with Josh.

Last week she complimented me on the shirt I was wearing. It was a black long-sleeve shirt. Then after that, she told me the top I'd worn the day before was also very flattering. That was also a black shirt. She then listed each top I'd worn all that week. It really freaked me out. It also freaked me out how she clearly wanted me to be impressed.

In bed last night I was telling Josh about her, and he said she sounds perfect for a Lifetime movie where she tries to kill me and then take over my life. She compliments things that aren't worthy of compliments. Like once someone complimented my necklace, and I responded "Thanks, it's my sisters," and she was like "Oh my god, that's so cute!"

I just want to put a lot of space between the two of us, but every time I turn around she's right there. At the same time she's so complimentary, I don't trust that it's pure. If I left a notebook somewhere, it wouldn't surprise me if she threw it out, but then pretended to help me look for it. And maybe I'm like, deciding she's awful when she hasn't thrown out anything, but everything about her screams distrust. I am wary.

Poor Alice is sick

Friday Al's school called, saying she was sick. When we got home, she had Advil and felt better after a nap. Josh and I left her on the couch with soup, and went to a party Kelly was throwing. Three hours in, I stepped off the pool table I was dancing on to go find a closet that would provide the quiet needed to check on Alex. She was grumpy to be woken up, and I apologized, even though I wasn't sorry at all.

This morning Josh woke up not feeling good. I have a bad feeling about Thanksgiving.

*We used to call Alex Alice because when she was born Dani misunderstood her name, and thought she was Alice. I don't know if she had a speech problem or a hearing problem or what, but we just went with it. Even though nobody ever corrected her, eventually Dani just started using the right name, and we all dropped the Alice for the most part.

Preparing for lift-off

Last year I was a horrible, pathetic brat when finding out one of my Christmas gifts was new bedding. It was so shocking that what I'd had was gone, it was almost impossible to appreciate what was newly there. This afternoon I was sitting on my bed looking at the blanket and thinking about how I needed to not feel attached, that in a little over a month there will be something else. Different pillows to break in, a new blanket to tuck.

Then Danielle came in. "What are you doing?"
Me: Preemptively mourning the loss of this.
Dani: I am nominating you for lamest person ever. Prepare your acceptance speech, since you'll win.
Me: Thanks.
Dani: That wasn't a compliment. You're not sad about the stupid covers.
Me: Yeah I am.
Dani: No you're not. You're sad because a change is coming and you can't control it. You don't like any change to happen unless it's your decision and you control it.

You know what? I think she might be on to something there. Danielle should become a psychologist.

So I screwed up royally

Not only did I arrange to meet Becca when I also was supposed to be tutoring, but I managed to accidentally miss showing up for both of them. School just ended and I was tired and thought how nice it'd be to go home and take a nap before dinner. So I went to my two tutor kids and then went home. Only problem? I had three tutor kids today.

Then when I went home and took that precious nap that was so more important than my two dueling commitments, the alarm I set? Blew right through it. As if that wasn't enough, that salmon I put in the oven? Dried it out because I didn't take it out on time. What was I doing? Well based on the burnt brown rice, I wasn't minding the rice.

At this point, I may as well go kill a baby duck, drop out of school, cheat on my boyfriend, and sell a sister into prostitution.

Shopping for parents

My friend Kelly wanted to go Christmas shopping today, so we met up at noon to hit up stores. Kelly showed up with the hood on her sweatshirt up, sunglasses on, holding a Starbucks. She asked why I looked so awake and perky. I shrugged. Kelly pushed, and asked what I'd gotten done today. Two and a half loads of laundry, two hours of studying, food shopping for the week. She laughed at me, and said she'd rolled out of bed a half hour before we were meeting.

I can't do that. I mean, my alarm doesn't get set for Sundays so sleeping late does happen. It's just not as late as Josh and Kelly will sleep. They aren't working on Saturdays though. Whatever, it works for me. Kelly can make fun of me all day if she wants - I'll have clean clothes and healthy food for the week.

Kelly's system of shopping is funny. She was explaining that she has a credit card with her name on it, but the bill goes to her dad. Plus her credit limit is his limit. "What about his presents? Do you pay for those?" Kelly told me he won't even notice. He just signs the checks.

Immediately upon getting home I went to Josh about this. He swears up and down it's totally normal. Parents pay for their own Christmas presents. While I was staring at Josh in shock, he told me at least some kids get their parents presents. A lot don't even bother.

Are you fucking kidding me? If I ever had a kid that couldn't be bothered to get me holiday presents I would kick their ass. How can you show so little respect to a parent that way?

Maybe I should care more?

Alex got together with a friend today. They told me they were going to see the Muppet movie and then to go shopping for the friend's boyfriend's birthday. So I gave her money and off she went. Hours later, when Alex came back, Josh's parents were here. I was sitting on my dresser talking to Laurie and Al burst in to say hi. I asked how the movie was, and she got a funny look on her face and told me they wound up seeing the Adam Sandler movie because Muppets aren't out yet.

A few minutes later after Alex went in search of a snack, Laurie said to me, "She knew Muppets weren't out yet."  I realized she was right. That look on Alex's face was guilt. I shrugged. Laurie couldn't let it go - it was driving her nuts that this lie or deception or whatever didn't seem like a big deal to me. "She's a teenager who lied about what she was going to do!" Eh. I don't care if she goes to see the other movie. Laurie wanted me to. She wanted me to confront her.  Josh finally had to tell her to drop it.

Look, I know she had that stealing moment. But really, it seems like it was more like a one-time thing, rather than going down the road to a life of crime and lying.  Later, Josh dug into Al's coat pocket and pulled out a ticket stub; it was for the Adam Sandler movie. So what's the big deal? It must be really stressful to be a parent and have to run around not believing your kids all the time. Or maybe Alex is giving blowjobs to strange men in movie theatres on weekends.

Baby it's cold outside

Josh requested "something junk-foody" for dinner tonight. So I made grilled cheese with bacon and tomato soup. Alex is the worst liar in the world. She took a clean mug and spoon after dinner, put a serving of soup in, then told us, "I'm just going to have some more soup. In my room. Okay?" and then scurried in and closed her door. Could you be any more obvious?

Despite the fact that it snowed already, it's not technically winter yet. My body doesn't seem to realize that though, and has been freezing for a month now. I've taken to wearing leggings under my jeans. Fingerless gloves in class. Sometimes when I come home, I put a pot of water on the stove and warm my hands above it.

Moving to Arizona is seeming better and better. Except for all that racist shit. It's hot there. They don't do DST. Did I mention it's hot there?

You decide everything

My sister and I got into a huge fight the other day. She called me a lot of mean names that made me cry later, when she wouldn't know. Dani said I was bossy and controlling. That I make all the decisions, all the time. That I never let anyone have any fun.

What prompted this? I refused to pay for college applications for schools Dani isn't sure she'd want to attend, even if she got in. That is what makes me a bitch. Also, I am always the one deciding what we're having for dinner. Okay, she kind of gets that one. But I only do that because everyone expects me to. If I don't go food shopping, then at least I'm the one making the grocery list. If I don't, then nobody will, and everybody will complain to me there's nothing to eat.

It is bossy of me to demand other people set the table and clean up the kitchen. I should just ask, I was told. And if people say no to my request, then I should suck it up because after all, I'm the one who decided to make the food, not them. FINE. Then you are not welcome to eat anything I cook. In fact, you can't eat anything I buy. Also, you can't use any of the house dishes or pots or pans to cook the food you buy. At that point Josh got involved and claimed I was going overboard, that Dani should be allowed to use dishes and cookware since they don't get used up.

So now she has her own little section in the refrigerator and cupboard, and her own bottle of dishsoap at the sink. Alex feels like she has to pick a side, but I told her she didn't. She asked if I'd be angry if she helped Dani. I think she lent her money for some of her groceries.

One of us will have to die to end this fight. It's not going to be me.

In or on makes an assload of a difference

Alex's school called the other day. They said a boy (who Alex knows and is friends with) put his finger in her butt.

I said, "IN? Or on?"
They said in.
"Like, under her clothes?"
They said yes.
How are you supposed to respond to that? I mean where do you even start? So I asked to talk with Alex. They said she'd already left for the day. They were aware the boy is a Problem and were going to talk with the teachers and administration about how to keep them separated while they figured out details (there wasn't a teacher in the room when it happened).

Do they call the police? Does the boy get kicked out of school? I know Alex has been friends with him since she started school, and he's known for being kind of weird. Having boundary issues. His parents are super nice.

I didn't want to talk about this with Alex over the phone. I wanted to watch her face. I wanted to look at her eyes. So just called to make sure she was home. Work is so inconvenient sometimes. Of course I am totally grateful to have work, but not being able to go home immediately killed me. So I just told Alex I'd meet her at home.

When I got there Josh got pulled into the bathroom so I could tell him. He told me to ask Alex open-ended questions. To not freak out. (Too late.) So Josh started first by just asking how school was.

Turns out Alex got poked in the butt. Over her clothes. And the teachers freaked out. Alex didn't. She immediately yelled at her friend and moved away. He immediately apologized. I am so exhausted by all the stress of freaking out.

Weird requests

I can't believe all in one day:

1. Josh asked if I would dress as something slutty for Halloween
2. I am considering dressing as something slutty since he's never asked before
3. I snorted ginger ale up my nose when Arnie asked what I'm going to be for Halloween
4. My little sisters who are not so little sat around brainstorming slutty costumes for me
5. Becca called to ask if her boyfriend's friend could stay here tonight because he got stranded in the city and they don't have any extra space. So now we have what amounts to a stranger sleeping over tonight.

Every last one

At our fire family dinner tonight we were given a bag of clothes. Even though it often isn't stuff we can use, I can never help getting excited that there might be good stuff buried at the bottom. We always are super polite in the moment and send a thank you note even if there's nothing good.

This is cheesy but tonight's was a mixed bag. (Warned you.) The top of the bag was like a dozen old white men's t-shirts. There were holes in the armpits and they were like, discolored. There were also a bunch of men's black dress socks. Then there was stuff that ... I had to ask Josh if it was men's boxers or men's swimsuits. Thank god it was swimsuits. Alex stood fully inside one leg and Dani stood in the other and they hopped up and down the hallway a bunch of times.

At the bottom of the bag there was a really small black t-shirt that had sparkles spelling out GLAMOUR GIRL. Weirdly, the shirt's label said it was a size Large. Alex claimed it immediately. I also found a sweater tunic dress type thing. I'm not clear on exactly what it is. Danielle thinks it's a dress. I think it's a sweater. Josh thinks it's ugly. So I told Danielle she could have it. She tried it on, as a dress. I was laughing too hard so Josh told her he liked her purple underwear. Danielle will be wearing it as a sweater from now on. With leggings.

The grind

Every day seems the same. Wake up, school, work, home, dinner, study, work out, bed. When I came home today, there were crumbs on the kitchen counter. I was going to wipe down the counter but then just ... fuck it. I swiped the crumbs into the sink with my hand and called it a day.

It was bumming me out, and then I realized this is probably why people go on vacations. To recharge and shit. So I laid down on the living room floor, closed my eyes and tried to remember what the sun in Miami felt like, what the ocean waves sounded like. After five minutes or so I opened my eyes. Danielle and Alex were sitting on the floor staring at me. It was startling to me, to say the least, but they thought it was hilariously funny.

Good. They can consider that bit of fun their vacation.

So many ways to screw up

A member of Dani's geek squad slept over Saturday night. I am all over fall foods. Soups, pumpkin and apple based foods, all of it. So I made this really hearty dinner before they went to the movies, and Dani's geek was shocked. "My mom just makes kid food. Like pizza or McDonald's or chicken nuggets or mac & cheese. Why do you cook like this? You don't have parents - you could eat good foods every night!"

I just told her we like eating like this. Pizza's great and everything, but if I eat crap too much it starts feeling like scurvy will come kill us. The geek shook her head. "But aren't you scared to cook? There are so many ways to do it wrong and screw up." Isn't that how you learn? By figuring out what went wrong and trying again differently next time? Sure if you screwed up so badly the food was inedible and it had to be thrown out that would be awful. But you just look up a few ways to make something and cobble the recipes together and it always comes out great, if not at least decently.

When Dani and her geek came back from the movies, Dani asked me if they could make pumpkin bread. Josh and I were playing cards while watching tv, and listened to the geek asking Danielle at every step in the recipe if it was right, if she was sure of what she was doing. After a while Josh kicked me, because we could hear Danielle getting annoyed. It's not rocket science to bake bread. Of course it came out good. This morning, I cut the leftover bread in half, and sent the geek home with some. She was outrageously excited to take home something she'd made and show it off.

How are all rich people not fat?

Since moving out of Aunt Elaine's I gained weight. So did Danielle. So did Alex. We're not fat or anything. We're just ... we don't look unhealthy anymore. I know I'm not supposed to want to gain weight, but it was about 12 pounds - give or take a pound - and it didn't take a rocket scientist to know I needed it. All three of us needed it.

We've talked about it a few times - how our clothes fit differently, how we feel differently, how it's a little scary to see the scale creeping up. Overall though, it's basically okay. It goes against everything that's marketed to us, but we didn't fit their demographic anyway (I am taking marketing, can you tell?) to begin with.

So it was a little weird that Alex came home from school and told me one of her dance teachers commented on it. My rage immediately ramped from zero to ten. Josh actually put his hand on my knee and pushed down.

I don't know what to do with this. Later when I was calm enough to ask questions Alex told me it wasn't that she was called fat, just that it was noticed over the last year, she's gained weight. I don't know. I'm so angry. What was the point of saying that to her? Is the school implying she's too fat to dance? Are they saying she needs to lose weight? I just don't understand where she's supposed to go with that kind of comment.