It's a contest, and we're both losers

Some people think that since out of the three of us, I had the most time with our mom, that means I'm the luckiest. I see that. Except that since I knew her longest, I have the best sense of how much we're missing by not having her around. So in that logic, Alex is really the luckiest because she just misses having *a* mother, but not our specific mother.

I am unluckiest because I had to manage Aunt Elaine and my sisters. Alex is unluckiest because she was resented for needing to be raised and nobody around wanting to do it.

Alex is unlucky for having to live with people who'd rather she wasn't there. I'm unlucky for having to haul my sister with me to go live with my boyfriend.

There are no winners.

Races, parties, and euphamisms

So here's something totally crazy: I graduate soon. Like with a college degree. Did you ever run in a race and feel like you were running as absolutely fast as you could, but notice everyone else is just zooming right past you and they all seem to be having a ton more fun running than you are? That's what college has seemed like.

Except that now the finish line is clearly less than a block away and it turns out not everybody got there. Oh, and not everybody has plans after the race. Now everyone is on autopilot getting to the finish line and it's super awkward talking about the parties after the race because you don't know who's invited. Sometimes, when people find out you got into a party, they want to know if you can get them in too. When you say you can't, they push you to ask, and with some people it makes you worry the friendship just died. 

Planning for plans

Josh has been pushing for the summer in Europe thing for a hundred years. A third of my hesitation was paying for the trip. I mean just getting there is like a million dollars, and then you have to get home too. Then while you're waiting for the flight to get home, you have to like ... pay for random shit.

The other third that causes stress is if you're traipsing around Europe, you're not working at home earning the money you so desperately need. Not so much because your boyfriend is a dick who contributes nothing and your bills are piling up beyond anything you'll ever get a handle on but more because you are convinced the floor will fall out from under you at any moment and those things will happen so you need to be prepared for when they do.

The last third of the reluctance trifecta is where are you going to put your sisters? Sure one is in college and thinks she's capable of taking care of herself. But that is the same sister who has gotten half a block from home before realizing she forgot to put on shoes. It is also the same sister who does many other absent-minded things. She is very absent-minded professor-like. It would almost be less worrisome if her nerdy boyfriend was staying with her. Then there's the other sister who is ... well, we don't know what the fuck she is but it's not good and shouldn't be left alone.

I have decided to go crazy and go to Europe. I have convinced Josh that we are going to sublet (sublease? what is the difference?) our apartment. It's big, it's really nice, somebody (or a few somebodies) will want it. Danielle, who is always looking for a chance to go somewhere, is going to be a counselor at science sleepaway camp. The second I floated Europe past her and made it clear she was not welcome to come she told me she's been working on this since February. When was she going to tell me if I hadn't brought it up? I had a long talk with Josh's parents, and Laurie has promised to find a live-in nannying position for Alex for the summer with someone normal.

So. We are all going. When I said something to Josh about backpacking through Europe he laughed at me. "We are NOT backpacking through Europe. We do NOT backpack, and now that I have finally convinced you to do this, we are not slumming it. There will be air-conditioning and reliable showers involved."

Now if you'll excuse me I need to go find a brown paper bag to breathe into.

Two ships, passing in the Americas

Josh has been pushing me to agree to going away for the summer. That is three months. Twelve weeks. Like out of the country away. He wants a break from my sisters. Even if we hadn't been having problems, just constantly having them around is a lot in his eyes. Plus he has said from the beginning that the time after graduating from college is when you should go on a big trip because you'll never be able to take this long of a vacation again in life.

Ever since Danielle came back from her Europe trip, she's wanted to go away again. Five seconds after starting college, Dani began plotting to do a semester abroad. It costs extra, by thousands of dollars, to do the abroad thing. Plus there's the whole being away for four months thing too.

She doesn't even just want to do a semester abroad. She wants to take that semester behind the bleachers and get it pregnant. Dani wants to spend a month before and a month after too. So that would be six months. I am not really sure we can be apart for six months. Obviously Danielle does not have the same worries.

Everything feels very shaky and unstable.

Smackdown, rich-people style

Turns out Alex wasn't ignoring us all of last night. Today Danielle told me in secret that Alex asked Laurie if she could live with them for the summer, and Laurie laughed at her. "Not with that behavior," and walked off.

I forget, what did I want to tell you, Al? Oh yeah.

In. Your. FACE.

Fooding it up

Asparagus is in season right now. I got it into my head that we should have pancetta-wrapped asparagus with dinner tonight. Okay, for dinner tonight. Except Josh is not really down with just eating vegetables as a meal. So.

We had invited his parents over for a mother's day dinner. Everyone always seems to do brunch for mother's day. I don't know why.

There were really good strawberries at the farmer's market so I got three pints and decided to make a strawberry shortcake. Josh nearly screwed it up by eating almost a third of the strawberries.

So tonight's mother's day dinner was:
- baked salmon with fresh dill
- pancetta-wrapped asparagus
- mashed potatoes (with pancetta and parsley)
- strawberry shortcake

I have these little herb plants on the windowsill and put some mint in the drinks too. Lately I've been trying to use the plants more. Partially because I haven't been and that's silly to waste them, and partially because they're getting a little too big and I'm scared someone will knock them over.

Dinner was kind of nice. Alex came home in the middle and we all ignored her so she ignored us back.  I couldn't really write out "Happy mother's day" on the cake, so just made a heart with strawberry slices on the top instead. Josh told me it was a little Valentinesy but whatever, there weren't a lot of options after I'd committed to that dessert.

Hey know what's tons of fun?

Taking a break from studying from your final finals that if you fail you can't make up without a little thing called not graduating to go to your sister's therapy session where you are told all the reasons you suck.

Why do I suck? Let me count the ways.

I decided I was in charge. Some of us were barely out of diapers and others of us knew how to take the subway. But yes, it was wrong of me to take the lead, and I should have let the sister who pronounced it "Booklyn" when she was tired be in charge.

Let me save you some time. All the reasons I suck revolve around taking charge. I took charge of food (which you might be surprised to know totally sucks ass according to Alex), of clothing (which I admitted did not work out the best for Alex, being the youngest so getting the most handmedowns), and all the money (which I earned).

So in conclusion, I suck. Then, as if that wasn't 55 minutes of shittiness, on the way home I stopped in a Dunkin Donuts and got a box of munchkins. While we were waiting to get home I opened the box and took one out to eat. Alex smacked it out of my hand and made it fall on the ground. That bitch is so lucky I didn't throw her down onto the tracks. She should be grateful to only have a black eye. Hey maybe she'll have her shrink call to tell me all about how much I suck for punching a bitch. 

You're not my mother

I go to you for a lot of mothery things, and. Well wait. Maybe not a LOT. Definitely more than your daughter does, who dethroned herself from the family. Definitely a lot less than I'd go to my mother if she were there. You're good for some things.

You don't cook the right way, but you're okay in your way with the housekeepers and stuff. You would not like a houseful of shrieking and giggling girls like my mother did. I would run past her being chased by Dani and see her looking down at what she was mending. "Smiling quietly" never made sense when I was young - smiles don't make any noise. But when I think of how my mother did that smile, it seems like a sure thing that's "smiling quietly."

You are very distinctly NOT a loud, Italian mama. My mom yelled all the time. It's the Italian mama way. It's not a bad thing, just a loud thing. It means nothing, it's not a sign of anger. You yell and then you're over it. That's how it's done. You get quiet though. Actually, I've never heard you yell once. You just speak firmly when you're angry.

But you're okay. I guess there can be more than one way to be a good mom, even if my mom's way was the best. But I can't ask you about this because I can't trust you to be objective. Won't you always pick your son over me? If I were you, I would. So who am I supposed to talk to about Josh asking me if I'm ready to get engaged?

You're probably crazy busy too

Too busy this week (and most of last week). Sorry. Will blog next week.

Leaving you with this tip: nobody over the age of seven should wear maryjanes flats. They look stupid. 

You're welcome

I'm sure that on five thousand different levels it's wrong that I am jealous of what happened at the Boston Marathon. But I am. People reacted so quickly. It saved so many lives. Everyone's had so much time. To think about if they run towards a crisis or away from it. To know how they can help if a crisis ever happens in front of them.

Sure all the regular terrible nightmares came back, and Alex and I stopped hating each other quite as much and I cried for Boston a hundred times because I feel awful for them knowing what they were going through. I'm also really, really jealous. My mother would be beautiful even if she had a leg or two blown off.

It took them a week. One week. I am fully convinced it only took such a short time because of everything learned from 9/11. So I'm jealous and bitter and you're welcome.

Raining and pouring

Josh broke his fingers playing basketball. I woke up with a sore throat Saturday morning and now have a cold. This morning Josh was making us an omelette and dropped the frying pan right as he was about to plate the food. The comedy of errors just continued that way for both of us throughout the rest of the day. When we compared pathetic moments, it was agreed we'd just order in pizza.

I paid, closed the door, and in handing the box to Josh we both dropped it face down on the floor.

Convinced I would slip in the shower, hit my head and die, I am in bed dirty, having not showered. We're both thinking of staying home tomorrow. Not making any sudden moves. Not touching anything that can break, not using the oven or stove or knives. Maybe we'll order matching helmets.

Sunday splurge day

Brunch: Half a toasted bialy with cream cheese and lox, orange juice, purple grapes

Snack: Crepe with melted dark chocolate, strawberry & banana slices

Mid-day nap.

Weird birthday party before dinner where only cake was served. I had half a piece of ice cream cake.

Dinner: Salad, stuffed shells, garlic bread, cannoli, rainbow cookies.

I told Josh there can't be anymore eating this way until college graduation.

Therapy session numero uno

Shrink: So, would you like to tell me why you're here?
Alex: Because my bitch of a sister made me.
Shrink: Okay. Would you like to tell me why you're here?
Me: Because my sister's become a bitch.
Shrink. Alright. And... you?
Dani: I ... don't know. Because I'm stuck being a sister to these two bitches who hate each other now. 

I am not sure the shrink was prepared for us. He tried to unravel the bitchiness. It was difficult.

Shrink: Why don't you tell me why you think your sister made you come here.
Alex: Because she's a bitch.
Shrink: Has she always been a bitch?
Alex: Yes but it was only this year that I couldn't take it anymore.
Shrink: And has she made you go to therapy in the past?
Alex: No.
Shrink: Can you give me an example of what your sister's done that you find bitchy?
Alex: Well, just look at her!

The shrink looks at me. I'm wearing my national costume of black hoodie sweater, jeans, black Chucks, and sunglasses. I stare at him. He looks back at Alex.

Shrink: Well we clearly have our work cut out for us, don't we?
Alex: Maybe you do.

He blinks. The rest of the thing went the same way. 10 minutes in Danielle pulled out her homework and ignored us to do it. It sucked. My life is supposed to be starting in a few months. The problems were supposed to practically be over with. Now this?

On the way home I asked Danielle if she wanted to get drunk with me. "Sure."

Crossing over

I've become one of those people. As of tonight, I have my own iPad. Josh knows me well - he knew I'd never let him give me one of those new, top of the line ones. So he got a new one, and offered up a hand-me-down iPad that used to be his. 

As of right now, I've spent three hours playing on it. Danielle asked if she could play on the iPad, and I wouldn't let her. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. In May. I love it, and want to take it behind the gym bleachers and have its babies.

Josh takes his everywhere, all the time. School, gym, vacation, friends' houses, everywhere. If he takes his messenger bag there, his iPad goes too. I of course, am way too paranoid to think of taking it anywhere, and in fact looked for good places to hide it in my bedroom. Dani pointed out that it's because Josh wouldn't hesitate to buy himself a new one in an instant if he lost it. Whereas I may have yelled at Dani not to breathe on it too harshly.

Stand still

This week is spring break. I didn't go away. I don't smell like sunscreen. I am not wearing jeans shorts below my hip bones with a bikini top. Not because I wasn't invited, because I was. Twice. Because I felt like I needed to stay home. No concrete reason why. Just a feeling. I hate feelings. Feelings suck and are pale rather than tan.

My friend pointed out this is our last spring break. That after this year we'll probably have to work and be all serious and shit. That instead of having three months off for summer and one month off around Christmas, we'll be lucky to even get three weeks off all year.

Maybe that's what it was. If I am calm and non-busy enough to think about it, then I feel guilty for not being too busy to think. There's a little more than a month and a half left of school, then finals. Then being a grownup. Forever.

At some point Monday night, Josh's dad and I were talking and he told me, "You know that when you start your real job, you can't tutor anymore, right?" Ohhh. It kind of hadn't really occurred to me. I guess my real job will go up to dinnertime. Every day. Every. Single. Day. What if I have ADD and can't concentrate that long? What if I hate it?

Is this why people go to graduate school? So they can keep having spring breaks?

Offensive

Hopefully it wasn't offensive that even though I'm not Jewish, I spent almost all day Sunday in Laurie's kitchen, cooking. For Passover. This probably isn't the most Jewy thing to say, but I was in heaven. Spent about seven hours dancing around a beautiful kitchen, listening to an iPod and playing with food. Some people go to a spa; I go cooking.

Laurie told me there were a lot of older people coming to the seder, so she needed the food to be on the more bland side. That was kind of a bummer, but I just made everything taste as absolutely good as possible. So the (practically plain) baked chicken was super moist, the roasted brussel sprouts were fabulous (caught myself before adding bacon). There were two different kinds of kugel, and I wanted to make a mushroom soup but Laurie told me to stay traditional and try that another time so I cranked out a matzoh ball soup instead. On Monday night when people were finishing up the dinner, I snuck into the kitchen and made whipped cream to go with the strawberries. Even though making whipped cream is really easy and quick, people seem to be very impressed with it. I always assume those people have never attempted it, because if they had, they'd know it's three ingredients and five minutes.

My sisters were invited, because they always are. The overall rule when you go to Josh's house is, no t-shirts, no sneakers. Those are clothes for strictly working out, but not for wearing when doing anything else. I spent Sunday cooking in what Josh calls my national costume (jeans & black tank) but when I went over on Monday for the seder, my hair was NOT in a ponytail, and I had on a skirt and nice top. Danielle wore her fancy jeans, a sweater, and borrowed a pair of my shoes. Alex though. What a bitch. She showed up in ponytail, capri leggings, a t-shirt, and Chucks. I got there first, and when Alex walked through the door she looked right at me and smirked.

My eyeballs promptly fell out of my head, but Josh swooped in to save the day, by doing the only thing that would solve the problem of Alex. He told on her to his mother. Laurie took one look at Alex and whisked her away down the bedroom hallway. She always likes to be there to welcome people when they come through the front door, so I knew Alex was giving Laurie a hard time when she wasn't there as more and more people arrived.

When Alex came back, she was wearing one of Laurie's sweaters, no shoes, and her hair looked right. Seriously, I deserve an award for the maturity I displayed by not smirking at her.

Rape culture

It's been kind of depressing to be female lately. To know people are getting literally, raped to death in India. Let's face it - we all know it's not only happening in far away India. Though, I'll say this for India: props to their government for jumping to create a slew of stricter laws pretty quickly. Our government can't do that.

Then there's Steubenville. I can't even. That CNN lady who went on and on about how sad it is for the BOYS? And everybody talking about how sons need to be TAUGHT to not rape? I'm sorry, but if a boy needs to be taught to keep his dick in his pants unless it gets an Evite to come out, then maybe he shouldn't be allowed out in public without supervision by someone who has a stun gun.

So it's kind of a relief to have stumbled across Kirsten Gillibrand giving shit to Army people. She makes me so proud to be a New Yorker. Which is nice, because lately nobody's been making me proud of being anything (a woman, an American, etc.).

Possibly Crazy

How completely out of my league (and mind) would I be to make a Passover seder? I've been to a bunch of them. Actually the ideal would be doing two seders. One the really old-school traditional way that old people would appreciate, and one that involves a lot more creativity.

Josh told me that there is no way his grandparents will come here for a seder. Even if we were married. Mayyyybe if we were married and I converted, but probably not. Well what if I cooked everything at his parents' house? Yes, that would be just fine. Oh, okay, of course. Old people are wacky.

Threats are useful

Josh has been getting more and more fed up with the Alex situation. Danielle is spending more and more time away from home. On Saturday morning she woke up when I did and followed me into the bathroom when I started my shower. Aside: I feel like we come across gay with how much we crash each others showers, but I swear we're not. It's just a good time to talk.

Dani suggested we all do some kind of druggie-style intervention. I was not too thrilled with the idea - that seems like something for druggies or like, hoarders. Bulimics maybe. Not just bitchy high schoolers. Dani kept pushing, following me from room to room until I left for tutoring. Immediately upon walking through the door hours later, before my shoes were even off, Danielle was ready for Round Two. So I told her that if Josh agreed, it was fine with me. Not only did he agree, Josh offered to have his parents there also. He convinced me that having real parents will make it more serious for Al. So that's on the schedule for this week.

Frustrated and impatient

That is how I am feeling about having to wait until April to haul Al to see a shrink about The Alex Issue. This is what Josh and I are calling it, and her, because that's what it has become.

I seriously may murder her before her shrink appointment. Alex, here are the reasons you may die (I will probably body slam you off a roof by the way, so reject any invitations to go onto any roofs):

1. You slam every door you touch. If you forget, we have noticed you go back and slam the door.
2. You don't just roll your eyes at everything I say to you, but at every single thing I say in your presence. 
3. You refuse to do anything that would benefit all of us.
4. You barely do anything that benefits only yourself, like your own laundry.
5. You glare at all of us any time we're anywhere near you. 

But the number one reason I may kill you? Because you're too much of a fucking pussy to own any of these things you do. You glare at Josh when his back is turned and then let your eyes glaze over as soon as he faces you, totally forgetting that I'm watching you. Danielle passes me a plate at the table? You roll your eyes and sigh dramatically. If I'm standing there watching you, you don't have the balls to slam a door or cabinet. Alex, if you want to be a bitch, then put on your big-girl panties and fucking be a bitch. But right now all you're doing is being a passive-aggressive pussy.

Seattle

People should go to Seattle! I mean, not if they want to lay around on a beach, but if they want to do fun city stuff, it's like a ghost city - all the stuff without all the crowds. We had so much fun.

We went to Canlis for dinner one night, and I was so glad Laurie warned me to bring more fancy clothes than I thought were needed. She was right. They have a strict dress code, and won't even seat guys at the window if they're not least in a jacket. We also went to Lowell's one morning for breakfast, and (this is kind of shitty of me) when I saw the prices told Josh I was paying. The other place we ate was Wild Ginger - I like that all the restaurants had fun views of the city or the water. Josh and I agreed we should pay more attention to the views when we go out to eat at home.

During the bat mitzvah reception at some point I was standing next to the mother of the ... bat mitzvah girl. I managed to not ask how much it cost to buy the museum for the night, but did find out it wasn't their first choice. WTF! "Oh fine, I suppose we can settle for the museum if the White House really can't accommodate us!" Somebody interrupted before I could ask what the first choice was.

I wanted to go to the fish market but we had bat mitzvah stuff to do. Josh suggested we do another trip back to Seattle, and then go up into Canada and wander around Vancouver.

Packing

Tomorrow night we are supposed to be getting on a plane and going across the country for a bat mitzvah that one of Josh's cousins is having. My job was to get the card. I always feel weird going to Jewish things - that people will take one look at me or my clothes and be able to tell I'm not a member of their tribe. What this means for Josh is that after I lay out each thing I'm planning to wear, he's forced to come look at it to tell me if anything is wildly inappropriate. It's very simple: jewish people dress conservatively in his family. So my Catholic school skirts and spaghetti-strapped anything are a no go.

The reception is in a museum. Danielle has been begging me to find out how much it costs to shut down a museum for a private event. That's all she wants to know. We were trying to guess on the way home. My guess is around $30,000. Danielle thinks it's way higher, closer to six figures.

Laurie called me yesterday to say she's making a spa appointment for while we're there and wanted to know if she could make one for me too. It is outrageously sweet of her, yet at the same time it's awkward to be naked in front of your boyfriend's mother. So this whole weekend should be interesting. Plus I'm very relieved to be able to bring my knives and golf clubs on the airplane.

Dined

The dinner was ... okay. There were really high points and really low points. The high points were the food, the company, and Josh's help. You know how sometimes somebody offers or even tries to help but all they do is get in the way or make more work for you? It's only taken three and a half years, but it seems like Josh and I are finally in a pretty good groove in the kitchen. I know which little chopping jobs to set out for him, he knows to wash, dry and put away all the prep bowls once food is cooking to free up counter space. I don't yell at Josh for getting in the way causing him to walk off, leaving me resentful for doing all the work myself. I'm a little bit proud of us.

The other high point is that Danielle finally picked a side. It's not a high point that she picked mine. It's a high point that she gets it. I sort of accidentally overheard a talk Josh had with Dani. Yes, I could have yelled to them that I was in the bath and could hear them but whatever, I suck. For a few weeks I've been telling Alex if she's so unhappy and thinks I'm such a terrible person she should go move out. Every time Dani took her side, I invited her to leave too.

When she told me she knew Alex was wrong, I asked if Dani was just saying that because I kept pushing her to choose and she was choosing the easier, cushier life. She swore she wasn't, and I let it go. Turns out Josh was wondering the same thing and I overheard him talking to her. I never heard him talk like that. Always, it's in the back of my mind about being a gold-digger but Josh and I never talk about it. He made sure Dani isn't gold-digging too. Is it weird that I'm proud of him? He must have felt super awkward - Josh never EVER talks about money.

The low points involved Alex. She was beyond rude to all of us. She was mean to Josh's parents. It was really embarrassing. Laurie got so angry that she finally excused Alex from the table. "You're excused. It's not an optional invitation." Josh apologized, then kicked me, so I apologized too. His dad tried to talk to Alex in her room, and walked out like 10 minutes later telling Laurie it was her turn.

Dining

On Thursday Josh's parents are coming over for dinner. Everything I can think of to make sounds boring. Josh wants me to make beef wellingtons. That is a scary thing to make for guests, because it's hard to make and there's very little room for messing up. So far all I've figured out is hamantashen. For that I cheated, and made it over the weekend. A bag-full is in the freezer and I'll defrost it in time for the dinner.

Josh warned me his parents are going to want to talk to us about graduation presents. Obviously now I am very nervous. It's going to be some ridiculous thing like an Arabian horse or something. I wish he hadn't told me. I spent like three hours tonight deep-cleaning, so on Thursday there won't be a lot to do besides the cooking.

Every single time Laurie has been here, she's never been in jeans or anything casual. I don't even think she owns a sweatshirt. Definitely going to wear a skirt. I already told Danielle she has to also. If I tell Alex to, then she won't. So my plan is to just take away all her jeans and leggings so she has no other alternatives.

For the record

I think therapy is bullshit. I'll send Alex and everything, but think just punching her in the face would be much faster and make the the point in a much more direct way.

So you want to be Angry Spice

It's awkward when you call your doctor to say you think your sister needs a shrink and he asks why and you pause and then just say, "Because everyone on the internet told me she does." I struggled to explain her blaming me for everything, the anger. Finally I repeated myself. "The internet told me to."

Doug just laughed and suggested we find her someone. I wanted confirmation. "And by 'we' you mean ...?" He confirmed. "Me." When I told him she'd probably want a guy rather than a girl shrink, Doug told me he'd find a girl. I laughed and Doug explained that some teenage girls have this way of flirting without flirting that gets men on their side. He said that a therapist of all people, should realize it's happening but a girl therapist will let Alex get away with a lot less. Sounds perfect to me.

I feel like a traitor for telling on her.

Crashing, beginning

Some weekends Alex will spend money on a drop-in dance class for grownups. Anyone can just pay at the desk and take the class. I think she likes the break from the competitiveness of her school, the less intense environment of a class full of grownups impressed with a girl who can hold her own.

When I saw her walking out in dance clothes, I changed my plans and jumped in a cab to go too. When Al saw me walk in, her eyes got really wide for a second and then she turned away. We spent the entire hour and a half in the same class, never speaking, never dancing next to each other.

Alex kept checking me out though. Every time I looked over at her in the mirror, she would quickly look away, and I could feel her watching me.

After the class when I was grabbing my stuff to leave, I heard a "Sammer" and looked up just in time to catch an orange juice Alex was throwing at my face. Hard. I'll take it as progress.

State of the Union comments

Well, that was really freaking depressing!

It's 2013 and we're still talking about how everybody should be able to vote? That's pretty pathetic, but not quite as pathetic as that Boehner guy not standing up or clapping for the 102 year old black lady who voted. Why were all those people killed in the olden days trying to rally the troops to go vote, if we're not appreciating and respecting their efforts now by voting?

People earning minimum wage are below the poverty level. Well then what's the point of having a minimum wage? This should have been fixed ages ago.

It really upset me when Obama talked about preschool. Danielle is the only one of the three of us who went (and she's the smartest of the three so maybe he had a point). Sure, maybe I would have gotten a full scholarship to Yale or Harvard if I'd just had preschool, but I didn't become a teen mother, didn't drop out of school, am (probably) going to graduate from college.

I voted for Obama, but wasn't loving his speech tonight.

What I thought would happen

Yesterday I made Alex go to the Bronx. Alone. She tried to use that as proof I don't care about her. "You're sending me to a dangerous place all by myself?!" Yes. In broad daylight, with a cell phone and pepper spray, at the same age I was when we lived there and I walked around all the time by myself. It's no more dangerous now than it was then. 

You think Aunt Elaine is so great? Fine. Go visit and ask if you can live with her. Enjoy living in Mott Haven with a filthy hoarder.

Alex thought she should bring her something. "Then go use your money to buy her some boxed shit. No way in hell is that woman getting any of my money." One box of No Pudge Fudge Brownies later, Alex headed out with a final warning. "If I get jumped, you're going to be sorry." I'm already sorry about this whole thing. It's still hard to wrap my head around her remembering things so differently than they happened.

About three hours later Alex was back without the brownies. I'd gone to work so wasn't home and didn't talk to her, but Danielle did. Alex lasted for 20 minutes wandering around our old housing project before she gave up, spooked, and fled west back to the city. Danielle (who keeps switching loyalties) told me the best thing was Alex's, "I've never been so happy to be in Harlem!" statement. 

Yeah, Aunt Elaine moved. Alex couldn't find her. Some crazy crackwhore demanded the brownies. Good. There you go. That's how much she cares about you - so much that she kicked you out, never told you when or where she moved, and couldn't care less that you can't find her. I hope that totally fits in with your fantasy of the reunion.

No really

Josh pretty much never yells at my sisters. Part of that is because he misses his own sister, likes how close we are, and would never want to do anything to mess with that. The other part is that overall, he's pretty easygoing. But the key to his easygoing-ness is that everything runs pretty smoothly and everyone is fairly easygoing.

All that to say he's really displeased with what's going on lately. We've gotten in little arguments obviously, but they always blew over quickly and a lot of it was teasing. Josh is very good at not taking sides and always listening and encouraging us to talk and work things out.

That is not working right now. Today Josh picked me up from my last tutoring thing and asked if we could go to a happy hour and talk. Of course I said yes, but I don't think he fully thought that out. I think Josh intended for us to go get a glass of wine and talk, but that's not what happened. What happened was that we wound up in a crowded bar full of single professionals, and when Josh went to get us drinks, a guy came over to hit on me. Once we got rid of him, it was still really loud for talking.

We talked on the way home instead. Josh thought that Alex and I were trying to work things out. He may be disappointed to find out it's not really happening. We're not really talking at all, except when we yell at each other. Josh is not happy with this. He explained that drama on the home-front makes him really uncomfortable.

My sisters have accused me of putting Josh before them. I don't want to be disloyal to anyone. If Josh and I broke up, I would be okay. I mean, royally devastated obviously, but okay. The whole way home Josh kept trying to tell me in different ways, that I need to fix it. No really, make up with them. No really, they'll be my sisters forever.

I didn't tell him, but it got annoying after a while. Why is it all on me to fix everything? Why isn't anyone else ever in charge of doing the hard stuff?

Calling your bluff

Me: Since you're so unhappy with me, why don't you leave? 
Alex: What? 
Me: Leave.
Alex: And go where? 
Me: That's your problem. Get out.
Alex: You're kicking me out? 
Me: No. I'm inviting you to do what you want. 
Alex: But you're telling me to leave.
Me: No. You're the one who thinks I made such a big mistake leaving Aunt Elaine's. You're the one who doesn't believe that it wasn't a choice, that she kicked us out. So go back. 
Alex: You didn't even try!
Me:  Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me?! I BEGGED to stay through the summer! The only reason you don't know is because you were busy skipping along enjoying life while Dani and I panicked and planned and budgeted late into the night! 
Alex: No. I don't remember that at all! That's not what happened. You just wanted to live with Josh! 

So I reminded Alex that at least two months before I graduated she was threatening to change the locks. Alex claimed Aunt Elaine wouldn't really do that. But I remember her patting her pocket where she'd put the phone number of a locksmith! She was constantly talking about how great it would be to not have to deal with us for much longer. So go. She needs to either shut up about it or get out. Staying her and bitching at me is not going to work long-term.

Weekend WraPup

We went skiing. Well, snowboarding. I vary drastically and am either doing great, or totally out of control and about to break my neck crashing into a tree. The decision to go was so last minute that I didn't even start thinking about the cost until this morning (I'm making progress!). When I asked Josh, we were eating breakfast and he kind of shook his head and didn't answer me, like it was so little the cost was irrelevant or something. Then he changed the subject and I forgot about it until we got home and I was unpacking.

Our fire family dinner was a little awkward because of everyone being angry at everyone, but there were two tvs on - one with the Superbowl and one with the Puppybowl and we just separated. Four times I was about to say something to Dani and then remembered. Imagine how many more times it would be if I'd been home.

Tomorrow I am making a fancy dinner for Josh. And me. And nobody else. Which is maybe a bit passive-aggressive. But if you don't like what I've done for you, then I won't do things for you. So we will have lamb, with new potatoes and baby carrots (yes, I got this from a movie), and then homemade chocolate pudding and whipped cream that I made tonight. My sisters can make their own dinner or eat leftovers if there are any.

In thinking back over this weekend what really stands out is that I very badly want a puppy. When Josh and I talked about it, we weren't really sure we'd have the time to invest in training a puppy to be as well-behaved as we'd want it to be. Josh suggested we could get a dog walker, or send it to doggy daycare. But then that's like all the people who have babies and then send them to daycare. So nothing has changed really - I want a puppy and am still not home enough to get one.

You almost need a flow chart to keep track

Me and my sisters are still not good. I'm mad at Alex for being mad at me and Dani for questioning me. Alex is mad at me for making us all leave Aunt Elaine's and at Dani for not being mad enough at me in solidarity with her. Dani is mad at Alex for putting her in the middle. Josh is mad at all of us for making it all so awkward for him.

But not so much at me. Mostly at Alex. Alex is so shocked and offended at him for picking a side that she is now all Angry Spice at Josh. Which he confessed to me amuses him because she's always so cute and bubbly.

Josh also told me he's not a fan of this dynamic and it needs to change soon, but meantime, he refuses to spend the weekend with us. Which is how I came to be going on vacation again, two weekends a row. This time I am doing what Josh wants, so we are going snowboarding.

Running away

Because I am so excellent at dealing with my problems, about 12 hours after my last post, I called Josh's mom and asked if I could take a vacation at her house over the weekend. Josh was not thrilled. "You're leaving me stuck at home with two teenage girls? If you want a vacation, let's just go skiing for the weekend or something." He could not understand how I could view his house as a vacation and why I wouldn't want to spend the weekend with him. Perfect. So I left an angry boy with two angry girls. Maybe they'd all just kill each other and make my life simpler.

Saturday morning I was given breakfast in bed. A veggie omelet, fruit salad, and orange juice. Everything was really good, except then when I finished, I was kind of stuck. It was really funny to flail around trying to figure out how to get out of bed without spilling any food crumbs on the bed. It was like one of those first world problems. I had to work Saturday which kind of ... wasn't the most vacation-y thing to do. But all the tutoring kids were cool, two of the parents offered hot chocolates when I got there (took one from the people who don't have a cat that's allowed to jump on counters) and it went by quickly.

When I got back to Laurie's, she was waiting for me. She'd arranged for us to go spa-ing. I don't know if that's a real word. We got massages and pedicures. I steamed. It was great. It was relaxing. It lasted until we were almost home and then some guy pushed past me running down the street, I put my hand out so as to not fall, and scraped up the back of my hand. Josh's dad cleaned up all the blood and put bandages on even though I told him I could do it.

On Sunday I got breakfast in bed again. When I made a comment about Laurie doing too much, she waved me off. "I thought this was your vacation." It was a different breakfast - oatmeal with banana and strawberry slices. After finishing, I just went back to bed. It wasn't until after noon that I got up. When I got out of the shower, Josh's dad wanted to look at my hand again, and after that Laurie asked me to run errands with her. So we wandered around the city crossing things off her list. Around dinnertime, Josh called to ask all kicked puppy-like, if he could meet me for dinner. "You may join me on vacation."

That boy is over-confident. He must have packed before checking with me, because he was there like a half hour later. My head was clearly on vacation because it wasn't until Laurie asked about my sisters that I thought, "Oh yeah - are they sleeping home alone?"

When Josh and I were about to go to bed, I poked him. "While I'm on vacation, I take my breakfasts in bed." He smirked at me. "When is vacation over?" It was over when we left for school. Being on vacation at someone's home is so much better than it would be in a hotel. In a hotel you would have to open the door even if breakfast was being delivered. You'd have to get out of bed. I so lucked out.

Since getting home I have completely ignored my sisters to keep the vacation feeling strong. So far, it's working.

Political sway

I was sort of hoping we had screamed it all out and then were over it. That's how Italians do angry after all. Alex is not following her Italian cultural norms with this. Not only is she holding a grudge and glaring at me (while she eats the food I buy with money I earn and then cook for her), but she is trying to recruit Dani too.

So now I have Danielle ambushing me 40 times a day, demanding I defend every decision made for the last 11 years. Which is ridiculous because for one, fight your own fights ALEX, and for two, I almost never pulled rank on Dani. Maybe like half a dozen times, which sounds like a lot but really isn't.

Still though, she is questioning everything. Why did we share socks? (Because I didn't have it in me to match socks.) Why did she have to sign up for the after-school stuff I chose? (Because I picked the least expensive ones.) Why did I get to decide when she had to stop stealing? (Because I was in charge of the money and knew we could afford it.) Alex feeds her issues to be angry about, and stupid manipulated Dani comes running, demanding answers.

We found out a guy on our floor is moving out. Today I jokingly told Josh to see if he can get the storage space from that guy, so we can move my sisters down there. As punishment for being so freaking annoying.

One of the grievances

One of the things that came out of the big talk/cry/scream with Alex is that she's spent the last four years thinking I decided we were moving out of Aunt Elaine's. I am not sure how this happened, since it's not like Aunt Elaine told me privately, or Danielle and I had tons of secret, whispered conversations about running away.

Alex has spent the last four years thinking I made her and Dani leave just so I could "have sex all the time!" It was probably an overshare to tell Al that she and Dani interrupt so much that we probably only get to have sex about half the times we aim to. Oops.

It blew my mind to even consider that Alex would have wanted to stay with Aunt Elaine. When I told Dani that though, she pointed out Alex was the only one Aunt Elaine ever liked. But still. It's like being liked by a wild lion or something, that can't help but hurt you even in their enthusiasm over you.

So I had to remind Alex of all the shitty ways Aunt Elaine treated us and what our space was like. How cramped it was. Alex claimed it was cozy, that she misses all three of us sleeping together. When I reminded her about Aunt Elaine scarfing up food while we were at school and messing up our meals for the week, Alex claimed it was a fun challenge, like solving a puzzle. (I think this was around when the screaming started.) To think this was only hour two of a five hour marathon.

Come to Jesus

This morning Alex and I had a big talk. Like a huge, life-changing, down and dirty honest talk. There may have been crying involved. And screaming. I hadn't realized how much we were talking around instead of about. Or how unhappy and scared Alex is, and has been. For a long time. A long, long time. Like years.

It feels like I've failed. I thought I was doing everything. It turns out I was doing the bare minimum. It felt like everything I had, I shared. Alex felt like everything I had, she got the tiniest bit of, and only after the novelty of having it had warn off and someone else had used it first.

We are living together but it turns out we are seeing everything completely oppositely. Just. Totally. Raw.

Breakdowns or something

Lately I've been really bitchy. I am kind of over everything. Normally when I get pms it's a few hours of bitchy thoughts (and maybe one or two bitchy comments slide out), combined when a few hours of seeing everything in a really negative light. Except these days it's like I've had pms for two or three months.

Luckily I managed to keep my mouth shut through the holidays and kept faking it when I wasn't feeling it, but lately I'm hurting feelings left and right. It's getting harder and harder to do the barest minimum for my sisters. To keep from screaming at them to make their own fucking meals, do their own fucking laundry, go solve their own fucking problems of not being able to find a clean towel.

There's a strong jealousy component to it - despite all my attempts, all the different schedules set up, everyone asks me what's planned for dinner. Why is your dinner my problem? Go figure out how to feed yourself. I spent HOURS in middle school copying down recipes in the library before we got a computer. They have the internet at home - so why can't they look up recipes and make their own food?

Danielle wanted to move out so badly and I wouldn't support her so she's here and I resent the hell out of her. What the fuck IS that? Alex got hurt at school doing something totally legitimate and needs help and I resent the hell out of her.

I hate myself.

Dancer down

Alex badly sprained her foot. Bad enough that she stayed home today (she has a cold too and the combination made her want to skip school).

The amount of begging and whining for Josh or me to stay with her was out of control. Alex actually ripped Josh's shirt a tiny bit, by refusing to let go of the hem in an attempt to convince him to stay.

She is 15. Plenty old enough to do tons of things for herself. Alex will go to school tomorrow. Even if Josh hadn't offered to give her cab money to get there and back. Because having her at home encourages Al to be too whiny.

Two requests

Dani came in early this morning to launch her requests. From me, she wants birth control. From Josh, she wants to learn to drive. I was tempted to offer him $100 to switch with me.

Yes, I should be happy she's being honest and open and all that shit about telling me. Which I am. Except I'm pissed off and jealous that I had to go by myself. Then Dani asked if we thought she should make her boyfriend pay half the cost. Definitely.

Dani found me later, when Josh wasn't around. She wanted to ask me if there was anything else she needed to know, that she hadn't read about. I said I'd think about it. I don't know what the hell else to tell her.

Alex better be a lesbian.