Monday, July 27, 2015

It was proposed I be proposed to

Maybe this makes me a bitch but I said no. I don't want to get engaged or married for someone else. Josh told me his dad suggested he propose to me now-ish and we get married later this year, so Laurie will be alive for the wedding.

I don't feel old enough to get engaged. Definitely not old enough to get married. Also, it doesn't seem like a good start to a marriage to do it for someone else. Obviously in the olden days people got accidentally pregnant and then got married because of that all the time, but who knows how happy they were in their marriage?

What if a year from now, under ordinary circumstances, Josh and I were to break up? Except that what if we're married? Then it'd be a whole different thing, to get divorced instead of just breaking up.

I can't say anything to Josh's dad, but I'm a little offended he suggested to Josh that we do this. If we were already married would he be suggesting we crank out a baby as fast as possible for Laurie too? Where does that end?

Josh is totally stressed out. When I told him no way, he admitted to being relieved because he didn't want to do this now either. Then he said if I'd said yes, he would have done it anyway. I feel so bad for him. 


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you and Josh are able to communicate with each other so well and that you're on the same page. Although I secretly hope you'll one day get married to each other, now is not the right time. Josh's Dad must be out of his mind with stress and grief to suggest such a thing; hopefully you'll forgive him because of the circumstances. Stress makes normal people say and do crazy things. Even though it doesn't seem possible right now, perhaps one day it will be something that you all can laugh about together.

I feel so badly for all of you.


Nina said...

I don't think it makes you a bitch at all. You and Josh are the ones who have to live your own possible future marriage, and it's not the kind of decision that should be made to make someone else happy. My heart goes out to Josh and his dad and of course his mom though.

Karen said...

You and Josh know what's right for you and Josh. Laurie and Josh's dad will get through this without needing you to get married.

My then-boyfriend and I were on the verge of ending our relationship when his dad suffered a life-ending heart attack. While his dad was comatose in the hospital I watched my boyfriend deal with an incredible amount of family drama and make the terrible decision to pull life support and I felt that our partnership during those awful days was strong and important and it made me realize that we could make it through anything. We married 2 years later. We are still married and will celebrate 23 years this November. I knew my boyfriend's dad for just a few months before he died but I'm glad he got to meet me and to know me, even a little. Your relationship with Laurie has been much deeper than that and it seems to me you are already a part of the family. I hope she will be able to trust in your love for each other and that your future and Josh's future will be happy even if you don't marry right now.

Kizz Robinson said...

This whole story makes me think how lucky you and Josh are to have each other. You each have space to have all of your emotions and are each clear thinkers and intelligent communicators so that you can get through weird stuff like this. It's completely insane that you were asked to go this direction but understandable. Also, though, so great that you were able to steer the boat away from the rocks because you have a great relationship. Cancer can go fuck itself, you know?

Amanda said...

I had a family friend who grabbed the first guy nearby because she was determined to have her Dad walk her down the isle before he died of cancer. Everyone knew that's what it was and it was more of a wake than a wedding with a massive amount of crying. Of course the marriage didn't last under such a ridiculous circumstance. While your situation is very different, forcing you into something you both are not ready for is wrong. His Dad is probably just trying to think of something for her to look forward to, or live for. Cancer has it's own plans and doesn't give a shit what your's are, or what carrot you dangle in front of it.

I'm glad you guys agree the focus should be on Laurie and not a forced wedding, or even engagement. I'm so proud of you guys for sticking to your true feelings. You already show better communication skills than most married people!

It take the reports from the doctors were not hopeful, and for that I'm truly sorry for all of you.

One crazed mommy said...

You are making the right decision. You will be ready when you are ready, but it shouldn't be to make someone else happy. Enjoy your time together, and if it's right, you will know - if it's not, you will at least feel better not having rushed into it for someone else's benefit. My husband and I got engaged, and had a 4 year long engagement because of some health issues he was having - people told me I was crazy to marry him, but I did it anyway. 14 years later he's healthy, we have 2 kids, and are doing great. However it wasn't forced, or rushed...even though the engagement was long, we waited to get married when we were ready to. Just enjoy each other for are young and have lots of time. :)

Anonymous said...

It's okay to be a little offended even as you understand where the suggestion was coming from.

Josh's father may have made the suggestion because of something Josh's mother expressed, or because she in fact asked him to, or because of his own thoughts about making his wife happy, or because of his own wishes, or even because he was thinking of his son and, knowing that his son plans to marry you, was imagining Josh's sadness if his mother were not able to be at his wedding.

It would have been better if Josh's father had suggested that Josh and you talk about possibly getting engaged now rather than suggesting Josh propose to you now, but what's important is that you and Josh did end up discussing the possibility.

That is, even when an inappropriate suggestion was made, Josh followed through as if a slightly more appropriate version of the suggestion had been made. Josh knew it was appropriate to discuss it with you, not just to go ahead and propose.

Also, if you and Josh had already become officially engaged before this past spring, then moving the wedding up would have been a reasonable option and might have been something Josh would have wanted to do. But if the two of you are not only not yet officially engaged but also aren't yet sure about marrying each other, then that is different.

Apart from Josh's father's suggestion, it is surprising to hear you be so unsure about marrying Josh. I thought the plan was for you to get married after he finished law school. I thought after your summer together in Europe you and he were more sure about being together when it's just the two of you. What do you imagine could cause you and Josh to break up in a year under ordinary circumstances? Would you fight for your relationship, work hard to repair it should it need repairing?

The two of you communicate so well and work so hard on your relationship, and with great results. And believe it or not, you've been living together as a married couple in many many ways, for six years now!

The idea that you could break up next year might always be there. You shouldn't get married if you don't feel ready, but you might want to explore the idea that you might never feel ready.

In "the olden days," people also got married because that was what allowed them to live together and have a physical relationship. They didn't have the option of having that without marriage. Because of the cultural change of what is acceptable in a relationship prior to marriage, getting married means something different these days than it did back then.

Also, your mother wasn't married, and you never mentioned your grandmother having been married; your role models growing up were not involved in marriage. Even your opposite-of-a-role-model aunt was unmarried.

Perhaps because of both the cultural shift and your unfamiliarity with seeing marriage up close in your formative years your feel marriage is unnecessary? Foreign? Not for you? Not understandable? Problematic?

In any case, you don't want to get married right now, and Josh doesn't want to get married right now either. That's all that matters. That is, while it's good to understand what's on Josh's parents' minds, it's up to you and Josh. And the fact that you are in agreement probably makes your relationship stronger.

Best of luck easing stress in any way you can.