Now a snowstorm?

We got back this afternoon with tans and full bellies (there is a LOT of food in Vegas). Our apartment is totally fine. Stale air and stale food is all.  That was taken care of with some open windows and a quick cleaning out of the fridge. Right now schools are scheduled to be open tomorrow, but some colleges are switching which campus to go to. We are going to leave like a half hour earlier than usual because there are still closures.

I feel really bad for everyone involved in this clusterfuck. The homeless people really do need a safe place to have shelter. The kids really do need their school back. It's hard to understand why the homeless people used the entire school as their own toilet, until you realize they've left empty booze bottles all around and are alcoholics and probably unable to think clearly. If I was worried about getting raped in a bathroom I could see considering peeing in a water fountain as a decent alternative.

Supposedly a snowstorm is coming early this week. The Apocalypse really is coming. Josh just told me his friends in Jersey don't have power and are tired of staying with relatives so they're coming here. I can not figure out if Aunt Elaine is worried about us, or angry at us for not worrying and checking on her. I kind of want to see if somebody can check on her, but am scared to find out she's dead too.

On the flight home, Dani asked if we could go donate blood. We can, but ... does the Red Cross really need blood to help with Sandy? Don't they need stuff more like food and blankets because it's cold and so many people are missing electricity? See, this would be the time to donate our comforter. Josh told me his parents will donate to a few of the places closely helping.  I asked how they can make the decision of where to cap a donation. Josh shrugged. He went off to ask his father and came back saying they have some kind of annual budget for donations and they spread it out as it's needed throughout the year. I feel like shit that we have been donating to ourselves all the time. This stuff is making me cry, and it didn't even happen to me.

We could have no air-conditioning

There's this huge heatwave going on, and it's total insanity. The heat index is routinely over 100 the last couple of weeks. It's exciting if it dips below 90 at night. Apparently it's much worse in other parts of the country. Yesterday a woman came to work and was telling me she's from D.C. and the heat index was 134. It's impressive she was even able to leave the coolness and safety of air-conditioning to get on a plane to fly to New York. Everyone always thinks of South Florida as being so hot, but it's actually cooler there than it is here.

Yesterday when I got home from work there was an old lady in the lobby. She looked familiar but I couldn't place her. As I got our package (Josh sent away for special jelly beans, because he does things like liking things you can only find on special websites), the lady wavered. Like a drunk. Oh, or like a person about to faint dead away from say, a horrific heatwave.

Me: Are you okay?
Old lady: Yes dear, thank you.
Me: You sure?
Old Lady: Just a touch warm. My air-conditioner broke and it's cooler here.
Me: Yeah, well, heat rises and all that.
Old Lady: Yes.
Me: So is somebody coming to fix it?
Old Lady: Yes, tomorrow morning.
Me: Oh, okay. Bye.

Then I left because those jelly beans were fucking heavy. When I got upstairs the cold air felt so outrageously good. It made me feel bad for the lady, so I sent Alex down with cold water for her while I showered. When I came out of the bathroom, Alex and the lady were sitting on the couch talking. "This is Edith." And that's the story of how we wound up having a sleepover with an old lady stranger who it turns out is a neighbor. She taught us to play a card game called Hearts. We taught her how to click on links her grandkids send her via e-mail. Alex likes her. "She is SO CUTE! Can we adopt her?"

So much worse

I am not breathing right. I can not stop coughing. I am either freezing or burning at all times. When I am cold I wear gloves inside the house and pile blankets and towels on my side of the bed. When I am hot I strip down to just my panties; Josh wouldn't let me open the window. Can't regulate my breathing with my talking so I'm constantly choking on air. In the last two days I have only slept about six hours, due to being either too hot or too cold.

Managed to call Doug before the end of business. Left a message saying I didn't think the inhaler, although helping, was helping enough. When he called back, he told me to come to his office before his first appointment in the morning. I told him my sister's in a play and I need to be there in the afternoon. He pointed out all my coughing would distract the actors. That's true. Doug suggested I call Laurie or Tom, ask them to meet me at his office. When I said it was okay, he kind of laughed, and corrected me. "That wasn't a suggestion."

That can't be good, right? Maybe I have a tumor on my lung and that's why I can't breathe.

What sucks

Saturday mornings I work. Which means I don't usually go out Friday nights, because I'm exhausted from the week and plus have to get up early the next morning. Saturday nights are the night each week I can stay out all night if I want because I don't have to be anywhere Sunday mornings. Some Sundays all four of us sleep in until noon or later.

Josh was not finished being in a bad mood left over from his parents saying we have to visit with people in Florida. I didn't know this though when I got home from work today so it sucked extra hard to walk in the door and get, "You know what sucks about you?" Instead of dropping my bag on the floor and taking off my shoes, I just turned around and left. I went to the coffee shop two blocks away and texted Dani to let her know where I was. Five minutes later Josh showed up.

Him: what happened to you?
Me: I went someplace I wouldn't be verbally attacked the second I walked in the door.
Josh: don't be like that.
Me: then don't be a dick
Josh: what the fuck?
Me: I don't know - that's why I left. Because what the fuck that I walk in the door and have somebody in my face psyched to tell me how I suck.
Josh: that's not what I meant
Me: it's what you said. I already lived with someone who treated me like shit and made me dread coming home. I don't want to come home to that.
Josh: you took it all wrong
Me: then you said it all wrong.
Josh: I just want to go party but you're always working
Me: yeah supporting other people is a real bitch
Josh: it IS
Me: sorry my life is such a fucking buzzkill for you
Josh: well it sucks
Me: yeah. so does having a whiny brat of a boyfriend
Josh: you don't have to be such a bitch
Me: you know what? go fuck yourself. I came here to get away from you. so leave.

People were looking at us. There is nothing worse in Josh's prissy world than causing a scene, and he was getting embarrassed. He tried to talk me into leaving with him, but only because he wanted to get away from the people watching. So I refused, because he cared about them and not me. Josh left. 20 minutes later Alex called me, saying Josh just left there and told her he was sleeping at a friend's house (of course, he can't sleep at his parents' house since he's angry at them too), so would I come home now? So I went home and ate an orange and a cannoli for dinner.

It is going to be very weird if I wind up having broken up with my boyfriend because I couldn't party enough.

And now it is 4 in the morning and I am wide awake and angry.

Flashed

I had a tutor kid today. It's not someone Josh's mom knows - it's a friend of a friend of a friend thing who happens to live in their neighborhood. The kid is actually pretty smart - she doesn't need any extra help. I think they just want someone to make sure her homework is done well. Now she is in second grade and I mostly just sit there and remind her to read the directions and make her handwriting neat.  To be honest, I do my homework while she does hers because she needs that little attention. I don't really mind going, because the mother always leaves my pay on a table every single time with a $20 tip.

Today while we were homeworking the girl's father came home from work. He said hello and looked kind of confused - he wasn't sure who I was but didn't ask. I never had a father so I don't really know how it works, but it seems weird to me that he didn't stop walking at all, to say hi to his own kid. I mean, he said hi to her, but he didn't even pause. He didn't make eye contact or ask how school was or hug her or anything. Even sadder, she barely looked up either - like she didn't expect any more than a passing greeting.

When I was in second grade all I thought about the whole way home was everything I had to tell my mom and what I was going to teach Danielle, what Alex would have learned to do while I was at school that day, and what my grandma would be cooking. It would have been more upsetting to be ignored by my mom than to have been hit for doing something wrong. The whole thing today just seemed so awfully sad.

When we finished the girl's homework, I asked her to put it in her folder and put the folder in her bookbag. She ran off to her room. The dad poked his head out of a doorway down the hall, past the girl's room and caught my attention. He asked if he could see me for a minute. That's the exact phrase he used. "Could I see you for a minute?"

I walked down the hall and when I was about five feet away it registered that he wasn't wearing a shirt. I stopped walking and he stepped into the hall, looked behind me, and then opened a towel wrapped around his waist and asked, "How about if you help me study this now?"

What the fuck do you do with that? Especially when you're expecting a seven year old to appear any second. Oh and you're supposed to leave in a few minutes and now you feel uneasy leaving that kid home alone with that guy.

All those girly magazines - Cosmo Girl and all those? They talk about how to avoid date rape. Or what to do if you have an abusive boyfriend. Or what it's like being in a cult, or have a baby at age 14 or a pimp at age 12. I've never read an article about what to do if you're tutoring in a kid's home and the dad flashes you when nobody is looking. It was like rapidly going through spiral notebooks full of notes in my head looking for a scribble in the margin that would tell me what to do. When I was little, my brother used to tell me if any man ever held me against my will, I was to "kick them in the ding-ding as hard as you can." He used to quiz me on this. "What if they give you a lollipop?" "Kick them in the ding-ding anyway!" "Right!" I don't think my mother really liked it, us talking like that, but she never said anything.

So I considered that, but it didn't seem ... right. Necessary. What came out of my mouth seems incredibly lame. "No thanks." I turned and walked away, yelling goodbye to the girl. She ran after me, catching up at the front door to give me a hug goodbye. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Sometimes you just are

I am sad. Nothing bad happened. Nothing happened that reminded me of anything bad. Nobody was mean to me. I'm just ... in a mood. That makes me want to cry and even ice cream wouldn't cheer me up. It would just make me cry harder because the container was too cold for my precious little hands. I sat down to dinner and looked at my plate, felt tears rush into my eyes, and got up and went into the bedroom. Laid down on the bed, looked out the window at the sky while tears rolled down my face.

Dani came in a minute later and held my hand. She asked if I was okay or wanted her to bring me dinner in bed, but I shook my head no. We stayed there like that for a while before Danielle kissed my forehead and rolled off the bed, closing the door as she left. I went back to watching the sky and woke up four hours later.

Why I don't go to college parties

Today at school I got invited to a party by a guy in one of my classes. He sits in front of me, and turned around to ask the girl behind me, and I think he felt too rude not asking me too. He told me to bring some cool friends, which I took to mean "hot girls."

Today was my grownup job so I didn't get home too late, but after dealing with adults all afternoon I'd kind of forgotten about school details (this is why I write down all my homework - just bringing home the books will not make me remember).

During dinner I thought of the party and told Josh. He asked if I wanted to go. Danielle said she wanted to go, and we both looked at her. She shrugged and said wouldn't it be better if she goes to her first college party with people she knows before she goes on her own when she's in college? It was a weak argument. I decided I did want to go, and when Danielle asked a second time if she could come I think she was shocked when I said okay. Alex definitely was. Josh gave me a look, but didn't say anything, though when I was getting ready to leave he handed me two $20's and told me to take a cab home.

We left home at almost 10, and on the way in I reminded Danielle to only drink what she opened herself and if she put her drink down even for a second, not to drink from it again. The boy from school gave me the address but not the apartment number. It was pretty easy to follow the noise though so we slide into the building when someone else was leaving. When we got there it was really crowded. Right away I saw a girl from my math class so we started talking with her. I was kind of confused - the boy who invited us is not in that class. When I asked how she knew him she said her roommate was in a class with him. Just a coincidence I guess.

She and her roommate were really nice and we wandered around for a while together. The weird thing was the entire time we were there I never saw the boy from school who invited me. Who doesn't show up at their own party? Dani and I hung out and talked to some people, and I heard her lie when someone asked what her major is.

We got home a little after midnight. Alex had already gone to sleep but Josh was still up and he'd gotten donuts. When he asked how the party was, Danielle told him she was surprised at how boring it was and she still doesn't like beer. Josh looked at me for a response. Ditto.

(The flowers have nothing to do with the party. Josh came home with some for me after school.)

Potato suggestions?

When I was on the train this morning I heard a girl who is apparently a vegetarian caterer type telling someone on her phone that purple potatoes are finally in season. I was trying to hear what she was going to make with them but she got off the train.

I know you can use them to make any normal potato dish but am feeling uninspired and want to come up with something new and exciting and different.

Breakfast:
Biggest orange known to man
two hard-boiled eggs
(apparently I only wanted peelable foods?)

Lunch:
salad with chicken
oatmeal raisin cookie

Snack:
apple sauce

Dinner:
broiled scallops
string beans with almonds
brown rice

Lastly, a girl on 16 & Pregnant on MTV is named Sam. It's not me. Say it with me now: AMEN.

Would you like some coke?

Takura came over today. He brought a friend with him. His friend's hair wasn't as good as his and the friend seemed weird to me. Takura said he and his friend were going somewhere after our house and would just wait. The guy sat on the couch and texted while Takura and I were sitting at the table working.

After a while I went into the kitchen to get a snack. Takura stuck his head in and asked if he could use the bathroom. I figured I should offer his friend a snack too and when I walked out he was leaning over the table snorting cocaine. Guess he brought his own snack. When Takura came back I told him he needed to get his friend out of here before my sisters came home.

He called me a few hours later and apologized, said he didn't know his friend would do that, wouldn't have brought him if he knew. Takura must have said he was sorry like a hundred times. I said he can't ever bring that guy back here. When I told Josh, he asked if I had cleaned the table and vacuumed already. I blushed. Because ... twice.

Poor Alexa Gonzalez

Not. This girl a year younger than Alex got busted drawing on a desk at school in Queens, and they put handcuffs on her and brought her to the police, asking them to arrest her.

I am not sure why a school even HAS handcuffs there in the first place. This morning I showed this to Alex and asked what she thought should have happened to the girl. She should have to clean the desk, get detention for a week, have her marker taken away for ever, and have to stand in that class instead of being allowed to sit at a desk.

Yeah. That makes way more sense than the school trying to have her arrested.

Would kill me if she knew

If I weren't have sex I would be totally happy to not have gotten my period yet. I just like getting it as reassurance that I'm not pregnant. Danielle doesn't feel the same way. Every single person she knows (except our sister) has gotten their period except her. Last month she turned 15. Dani is beyond furious at her body lately even though I have reminded her a thousand times I didn't get mine until I was a few months past 15.

I researched it and it seems like the average is 12, but 15 is still inside some kind of normal range. The only thing it looks like doctors can do is put you on birth control and supposedly that induces periods? I am not sure what to do or if I should do anything.

Maybe I need a third job?

My tutoring people keep canceling. Everyone has the flu. Swine or regular, it doesn't matter since they're too sick for me to come over. I am losing so many hours of tutoring over the last three weeks, it's insane.

I am thinking about taking a bartending course and then getting a couple of bartending shifts.

Alex keeps being shocked to see me show up at her dance place after school, because all my work died that day.

Maybe I'm just a big whiner

This morning I was telling Josh how upset I was about the friends thing, and the college thing, and the work thing, and the clothing thing, and the sisters thing and there may have been some crying involved. Lucky for me Josh did not run out never to return. To his credit he also did not ask if I'm getting my period, although maybe he just values his balls and that's why.

Josh said that if I want him to kick friends out when it's time for dinner then I should just tell him. He also said he doesn't really care what I wear to bed but if I want he will take me somewhere to get nicer stuff. Josh offered to help me write out a schedule if that will help me carve out free time.

I may have cried a second time. So embarrassing. Josh put his pillow in front of his face and was like "Okay I don't know what to do with a crying girl so can you just tell me when you're done?" which was kind of funny.

Later I looked at the calendar and it turns out I maybe sort of am PMSing. It made me feel stupid and mad at myself for acting so girly. But I'm totally going to take Josh up on all his offers. I am not sure if that makes me a user or whatever. Living with a boy is really complicated.

So I think I got fired

Between classes this morning I called the diner to give two week's notice. I couldn't wait until I got to work because the owner usually leaves before I get there after school. He asked if I was really sure this was what I wanted to do. Yes, I got offered a job that pays significantly more that works better with my school schedule.

He freaked out and yelled at me that I've been doing a terrible job and all the waitstaff complain about me every morning after I work for screwing up the seating and he is always trying to balance the register after my shifts. This makes no sense because I have NEVER been told of any complaints and nobody has ever told me I screwed up the drawer or the checks.

Then he said that since I was saying I wasn't coming in, he was firing me. I told him no, I was just giving notice and would be there tonight and for the next two weeks. He screamed at me that I shouldn't come in, he was firing me for doing a terrible job.

"You are so full of shit, Gus! You can't even choose which reason you want to fire me! If it's for screwing up the drawer, you should fire yourself for being such a bad boss as to let somebody keep working day after day when they're doing a bad job." I was so pissed I was yelling at him, and people walking by were looking at me.

So I am not sure if I quit or got fired but I definitely don't work at the diner anymore. He better pay me for the hours I've already worked.

I called the mother of the reading boy and left a message asking if she wants me to come by tomorrow. Hopefully she will say yes because now I have no work for the rest of the week except at Arnie's office. I almost don't know what to do with myself being home so early.

Updated at 1:16 am: Here is what I wound up doing with my surprise extra time:
- blogged before midnight (see above)
- bought another dozen eggs
- threw out garbages
- did homework outlines in the dining room while watching tv
- set the table for dinner
- was home when my sisters got home from school (which never happens ever)
- helped Danielle study for a test
- ate dinner at home with everyone else (also never happens)

Future lunches

Thanks for all the ideas. It seems like I'm going to have to cough up money in some way, either for a bag or a thermos thing or something. I tried freezing yogurt a few times in high school and it didn't defrost well plus changed the taste.  For now we can't buy anything new because I am so scared about my diner job and all the money I had to lay out for books and having enough. Danielle found me a plastic box she used to use for colored pencils so I cleaned that out and will put fruit and stuff in there so at least it won't smush. 

What does everyone else do?

College is messing up my eating. All summer I've had a refrigerator and microwave oven to use for lunch. Between the two I had totally decent lunches. Now in college I don't have either one. I can't heat up the previous night's dinner leftovers for lunch. I can't bring yogurt. I can't heat up soup.

I've been tossing some fruit in my bag to eat midday but it's not too good. Not just because my apricot worked its way under my books and got smushed all over the bottom of my bag yesterday. Also because warm fruit is gross.

It seems like everyone else buys lunch. Not going to happen here.

Breakfast - grape nuts & milk
Snack - asian pear
Snack - banana
Snack - random package of saltines I found at work
Dinner - watermelon fresca, shrimp and scallops over pasta, broccoli, pretzels

Terrible Odds

The thing about living here is there's so much more free time.  Well, that's partially from living here and partially because school is out.  When I'm not working now I can lay on the floor reading the NY Times.  I can play Wii.  I can screw around doing nothing.  I have not done laundry in almost a month because somebody else does it for me.  I haven't ironed my fancy job clothes.  I haven't done my sisters' laundry.  I haven't gone food shopping.  If we want something, we tell someone and it magically arrives either by the end of that day or the beginning of the next day.  Josh's room is clean and I never clean it.  My sisters and I haven't gotten in any screaming fights about clean towels since we got here.  I haven't skipped breakfast or lunch because we were running out of food, since we got here.  

It's because of all this free time that I can do things like take naps on Sunday afternoons to catch up on sleep.  Sit in Tom's office and twirl around in his fancy ergonomically correct desk chair until I'm dizzy.  There's lots of time for doing nothing and that's great.

Except it means there's also lots of time for worrying and that's not so great.  I still have not figured out how I am going to work full-time, go to school full-time and take care of my sisters.  Two seems possible, three seems like one too many.  I overheard Laurie on the phone telling someone they would never dream of letting Josh work during his freshman year of college.  Not that he has to work at all in his entire lifetime, but i guess it was a hypothetical.  I read an article this weekend that said like only 11% of first generation college freshman have graduated from college six years after beginning.  Those are not good odds for me.  

The good thing about the diner is it's 24-hours, and I can work any shift.  Plus the free food. The bad thing is it doesn't pay that well and it's gotten really tense lately, plus there are a lot of distractions to studying.  The good thing about the fancy job is everyone is really, really nice, it pays more, and it's like, a nice environment.  And it's easier to do homework there.  The bad thing is while there's sometimes free food, it's not something I can count on, and the hours aren't as flexible as at the diner.  

I was thinking that in the fall I'd quit one and just work at whichever place full-time. But now I think I may need to like, do half and half.  Except that will mean I'm never home to see my sisters. 

I wonder if a person's head can really explode

Now it's less than a month before Aunt Elaine wants us out. I kind of suck because I have been dealing by not dealing with the house thing at all. Josh asked if the three of us could come over this morning and said his parents wanted to talk to us. For sure I thought we were in trouble and I was trying to figure out what I'd done wrong that involved my sisters too but Josh said it wasn't anything bad. When I asked why he wouldn't tell me.

Danielle and I were both working this morning but we went over afterwards and brought day-old bagels (except Danielle put the day-olds aside for us and took fresh ones to Josh's). I was so nervous I told Alex to dress extra nice and re-did my ponytail.

When we got there Josh's dad was the first person we saw and Alex hugged him. Actually she hugged all of them. It was a little surprising. I was so nervous. We sat down at the dining room table and they were asking us how studying for finals is going and making all this small talk but I just wanted them to get to the point.

Finally they said they understand through Josh that because of their plans for his summer it puts us in a hard situation so they will make us an offer. They will store our stuff and if we will follow their rules me and my sisters can live at their house until they are ready to start paying rent on an apartment.

I asked what the rules are. They sound kind of reasonable. No parties, no sleepovers without asking first, no shoes in the house, be respectful of the neighbors, clean up after ourselves. Since Josh will be traveling they said we can use his bedroom while he's gone and also their guest room. This is totally scary. Really good, but also scary.

Where do I live?

Now that Alex is walking around with her messed up face, Aunt Elaine has decided she is officially no longer the cute baby anymore. Alex got told she's nothing but trouble, just like the other two (me and Danielle). Aunt Elaine also told Alex to make sure she's gone when I leave at the end of June. But here is the problem. Josh's parents are not finding an apartment before August 15th. That's the weekend they have decided to like, start renting or whatever it's called.

I won't be 18 until the fall so like technically Aunt Elaine can't kick us out. Except that she will just have the locks changed one day while we're not home and then won't open the door. She totally told me this. She has the phone number for a locksmith all written down and everything. My school ends at the end of June. Where do you live for like a month and a half?

Even if I got Josh's parents to get an apartment to start earlier than they planned, there is no way I will be able to pay for it all by myself. Because if it were up to me, we would just get a one-bedroom for like $1,000 and Alex & Danielle could have the bedroom and I would sleep in the living room. Josh showed me some of the apartments his parents were looking at for us, and they are crazy expensive.

This is the problem with a rich person dating a poor person. What's good enough for me because it's what I can afford is not even something a rich person would think about considering for even one second. Danielle's idea is that we buy a cheap car at the end of June and a gym membership and live in the car and shower at a gym each day and then sell the car in mid-August. So far this is the best plan.

One Person, Two Jobs

I went back with scheduling questions and Arnie said he'd like to do one or two afternoons a week and both weekend mornings for now. Then in the summer if that works out well (I think he meant if they think I do a good job and I like working there) he wants me to work like grownup job hours full time. I thought there was some sort of mortgage crisis thing happening but guess not since he said they're very busy.

So I said yes. I can still work at the diner both now AND in the summer. I can just work during the day at the office job and then go to the diner for the dinner rush. This will be way better than nannying because it will be air-conditioned. I gave Josh's mom a thank you card for introducing us and let her know that it got me a job for the summer. Um, she sent me a congratulations card with a $300 gift card to the Gap. So then I had to send her ANOTHER thank you card.

I am still shaking. I carried the card around for two days. I asked Josh if it was an accident and maybe she meant for it to be $30, but he said no, that she was going to make it more. Josh told me he swore to his mom I would find plenty of nice clothes for that much. He is wrong. It is too much money. I can't buy that much clothing. Freaking out.