Fooding it up

Asparagus is in season right now. I got it into my head that we should have pancetta-wrapped asparagus with dinner tonight. Okay, for dinner tonight. Except Josh is not really down with just eating vegetables as a meal. So.

We had invited his parents over for a mother's day dinner. Everyone always seems to do brunch for mother's day. I don't know why.

There were really good strawberries at the farmer's market so I got three pints and decided to make a strawberry shortcake. Josh nearly screwed it up by eating almost a third of the strawberries.

So tonight's mother's day dinner was:
- baked salmon with fresh dill
- pancetta-wrapped asparagus
- mashed potatoes (with pancetta and parsley)
- strawberry shortcake

I have these little herb plants on the windowsill and put some mint in the drinks too. Lately I've been trying to use the plants more. Partially because I haven't been and that's silly to waste them, and partially because they're getting a little too big and I'm scared someone will knock them over.

Dinner was kind of nice. Alex came home in the middle and we all ignored her so she ignored us back.  I couldn't really write out "Happy mother's day" on the cake, so just made a heart with strawberry slices on the top instead. Josh told me it was a little Valentinesy but whatever, there weren't a lot of options after I'd committed to that dessert.

You're not my mother

I go to you for a lot of mothery things, and. Well wait. Maybe not a LOT. Definitely more than your daughter does, who dethroned herself from the family. Definitely a lot less than I'd go to my mother if she were there. You're good for some things.

You don't cook the right way, but you're okay in your way with the housekeepers and stuff. You would not like a houseful of shrieking and giggling girls like my mother did. I would run past her being chased by Dani and see her looking down at what she was mending. "Smiling quietly" never made sense when I was young - smiles don't make any noise. But when I think of how my mother did that smile, it seems like a sure thing that's "smiling quietly."

You are very distinctly NOT a loud, Italian mama. My mom yelled all the time. It's the Italian mama way. It's not a bad thing, just a loud thing. It means nothing, it's not a sign of anger. You yell and then you're over it. That's how it's done. You get quiet though. Actually, I've never heard you yell once. You just speak firmly when you're angry.

But you're okay. I guess there can be more than one way to be a good mom, even if my mom's way was the best. But I can't ask you about this because I can't trust you to be objective. Won't you always pick your son over me? If I were you, I would. So who am I supposed to talk to about Josh asking me if I'm ready to get engaged?

Shopping for parents

My friend Kelly wanted to go Christmas shopping today, so we met up at noon to hit up stores. Kelly showed up with the hood on her sweatshirt up, sunglasses on, holding a Starbucks. She asked why I looked so awake and perky. I shrugged. Kelly pushed, and asked what I'd gotten done today. Two and a half loads of laundry, two hours of studying, food shopping for the week. She laughed at me, and said she'd rolled out of bed a half hour before we were meeting.

I can't do that. I mean, my alarm doesn't get set for Sundays so sleeping late does happen. It's just not as late as Josh and Kelly will sleep. They aren't working on Saturdays though. Whatever, it works for me. Kelly can make fun of me all day if she wants - I'll have clean clothes and healthy food for the week.

Kelly's system of shopping is funny. She was explaining that she has a credit card with her name on it, but the bill goes to her dad. Plus her credit limit is his limit. "What about his presents? Do you pay for those?" Kelly told me he won't even notice. He just signs the checks.

Immediately upon getting home I went to Josh about this. He swears up and down it's totally normal. Parents pay for their own Christmas presents. While I was staring at Josh in shock, he told me at least some kids get their parents presents. A lot don't even bother.

Are you fucking kidding me? If I ever had a kid that couldn't be bothered to get me holiday presents I would kick their ass. How can you show so little respect to a parent that way?

Good, bad, ugly

The good: I had a dream about my mom. Can't remember most of it, but I was confused and anxious and had a lot of questions. Then my mother was there, on my side, a little behind me. She held my hand and we walked and she explained things. I was stressed about how things are and didn't understand why everything happened. I kept asking questions and my mother kept (twice I just tried to write kept and twice accidentally typed help - I bet Craig would say that means something) holding my hand and talking to me quietly, explaining why everything is the way it is. Her answers made me feel better, and she helped me come to peace with the way things are.

We talked about everything. Food, death, sex, Topher, school, Aunt Elaine, sewing, 9/11, the lack of funerals, her stuff, my sisters, cooking, work, her, me, us. I talked really fast, she talked really calmly. She smiled a lot, and looked away a lot, but every time she looked back at me she smiled. I wanted to go inside her, to merge somehow so we would be together.

The bad: I woke up. It wasn't real. Josh said I sat up half asleep and was moving around, patting the blankets like I was looking for something and getting more and more upset as I wasn't finding it before he got me to lay back down and go back to sleep. When I woke up for real, I couldn't remember the things my mother had said that made me feel better. It felt like when you misplace your keys and you keep walking through rooms sure they're around somewhere but you just can't find them in the moment. I knew my mom had given me the answers, but I just couldn't find them once I was awake. While I am upset that I can't listen to what she said over and over to soothe myself, I am trying to be comforted by the fact that I accepted what she said in my dream. Not sure it's working.

The ugly: Josh's parents wanted to have a special dinner for the last night of the holiday but they were all busy so we had it tonight instead of last night. At dinner they wound up telling Josh that when we're in Florida we have to stop in to say hello to some relatives he doesn't want to see. Josh was in a terrible mood and flipped out, totally yelling at John & Laurie about how this is a vacation and it's supposed to be fun and not an obligation. I guess he feels like this happens all the time - they say he can do something fun but then put a condition on it.

After a little while of listening, once I knew there was no good way to get involved I zoned out and tried again, like I had been all day, to go back to my dream so I could feel my mom. I got so close but not quite there, and then Josh wanted to leave so we did, and he yelled at me all the way home for not backing him up. I zoned out on that too.

Maybe I was deprived

Laying in bed reading the little flyer Trader Joe's sends out once in a while...

Josh: whatcha doin'?
Me: reading this. it's like better than porn.
Josh: really.
Me: well okay I've never really watched porn, but ...
Josh: wait really?
Me: I mean, I've like ... accidentally clicked on things and then watched them but ...
Josh: how did I not know this?
Me: I dunno.
Josh: like when you're home alone, you don't even then?
Me: is THAT what you're doing when you're here alone?
Josh: well not ALL the time.
Me: huh.
Josh: you really never have?
Me: no.
Josh: wow you have really been deprived.
Me: yeah, cause that's one of the many services parents provide
Josh: mine did.
Me: shut up.
Josh: they did.
Me: no they did not.
Josh: I'm telling you! They gave me a subscription to Playboy for my 14th birthday.
Me: shut. up.
Josh: you missed out.
Me: I am calling Laurie right now. I don't believe you.
Josh: I'm not teasing.
Me: there is NO way.
Josh: I'll dial for you.

And this is how I came to be talking about porn with my boyfriend's mother at 10:30 at night.

Lack of planning

Maybe this is crazy but I want to do a Thanksgiving. Josh thought it was crazy when I brought it up at the beginning of the month. Even my sisters agreed, although maybe not as emphatically. Today Laurie called me, saying she apologizes about how last minute this is, but she told Josh when to arrive for Thanksgiving and thought it was implied my sisters and I are invited but she wasn't positive he relayed the message.

My heart kind of sank as I thanked her and rushed off the phone to get to my next class. It seems like every time we talk I make a terrible impression lately. I'm sure Laurie hates me by this point because she basically only sees negativity from me.

The truth is I don't want to go to Laurie's house for Thanksgiving. I want Josh's parents to come to our place instead. You can buy half a turkey at Trader Joe's, and I saw a really great recipe for mashed potatoes with chives and bacon. I had it all planned out in my head. I had a vision for how the table would look, complete with flowers.

Josh does not understand. He sees it as a ton of prep work in terms of cooking and cleaning, and then having to do hours of clean-up after everyone leaves. Also Josh's parents have professional help, and obviously my professional help consists of a 16 year old, a 13 year old and a boyfriend who apparently doesn't want to help.

Every single party I've gone to at Josh's parents house has been great. Everything's looked beautiful, all the food has tasted amazing, even the music is always perfect. But mostly, these other people did it. Laurie kind of ... oversees what's done. Somebody else is missing time with their own family to get a party ready for some other family. I get that's what catering is. I get that they get paid for this, and it's a choice. But I still think it's just sad. Maybe next summer I can ask if I can do Thanksgiving.

Last year I met this girl Kelly. She was friends with some people I talked to, but she and I never really talked. On Monday we wound up talking for a few minutes. As Kelly was walking away, I remembered Becca telling me something about Kelly like that she agrees with me on some obscure point that I can't remember anymore. Yesterday we stood around talking for like a solid 20 minutes. When we were about to walk in opposite directions, Kelly reached over and hugged me. I miss having friends a lot.

Today when I saw Kelly I didn't think and just asked if she wanted to come over for dinner. After she said okay I spent my next class writing out a menu and worrying about everything. When I texted Dani about it she wrote back, "Keep it simple, Stupid. I'll clean." So on the way home I picked up fancy bread and ice cream. Dinner was baked ziti with spinach in it, salad, garlic bread and ice cream for dessert.

Danielle kept her word by cleaning, and roped Alex into helping. They folded the edge of the toilet paper into this funny triangle. They set the table with two forks for each person. When Kelly got here she seemed surprised about something, but she kicked off her shoes and demanded a tour. We ate dinner and nobody embarrassed me, and then Kelly and I went into my room to hang out. Josh left us alone, and Alex came in once to say she cleaned up and was going to bed. Kelly left a little after 11pm.

Next time I will do it right - with more planning. Next time I will make the bourbon bread pudding I've been dying to have a reason to cook.

I could be more

It's this huge jewish holiday (Rosh Hashannah) right now, and Josh's parents had fancy dinners yesterday and tonight. They had a lot of family and friends there. I will confess that although I worked today, even if I hadn't I would not have wanted to go to temple with Josh and his family all day. It just sounds boring. An hour would be okay. Two hours of listening to stuff in a language I don't understand would feel like too much. A day would be unbearable.

At the end of work though, I did stop in the bathroom to make sure I looked nice before picking up jelly donuts on the way to Tom and Laurie's. Was going to get flowers but Josh said to get jelly donuts instead, that it's some jewish thing.

When I got there Tom saw me first and gave me a big hug. He introduced me to a bunch of family members I'd never met before and I could tell they knew. "Oh that's the girl whose family died on 9/11." You can always tell when people know, because they look at you a little more intently, and look for deeper meaning in everything you say. God forbid you mention that you know fall is coming because leaves are starting to die - everyone gasps. Someone says the potato latkes are a little burnt, but then says, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry Sam!" I gave Josh's aunt a big smile and told her it was okay, I like the burnt ones. Josh choked on his wine laughing.

You know, I can be more than the girl whose family died. It's not my entire identity. I have other family. And if you didn't bring it up all the time, I wouldn't think about it all the time. There's lots of other stuff going on in my life besides sitting around missing my family. I can talk about other things. It was almost a decade ago - if you mention your mother or burnt food I promise to not burst into tears.

When we got home Danielle said a present had been dropped off for me. It was a box with a note. The note read, "Sammers, Happy new year to your circumcised boyfriend, and you too! Love, Beccers" The box had jelly donuts in it.

I'm cheating on my mother

I switch my phone between vibrate and ring a thousand times each day. On vibrate as I walk into class, ring as I walk out of class. On vibrate as I walk into work, ring as I walk out. Today Josh's dad called during one of my classes. As I walked out I called him back on his work number, worried about what he would say. Something is wrong with Josh? They found out he's been taking stuff from their kitchen to bring to ours? Something else?

The whole time we were going through the hi-how-are-yous, I was thinking, "Get to the point!" After a couple of minutes, Josh's father told me his mom was going to dinner and a show with friends and asked if I'd like to meet him for dinner tonight. "By myself?" It came out really squeaky and I was embarrassed right away. But yes, he meant just me, and said he spoke with Josh already who agreed to supervise my sisters through homework and dinner.

After school I raced home to change into nice clothes and then raced to the theater district meet Josh's dad at Per Se. I was running late and barely got there on time, and was kind of sweaty and frazzled when I arrived. This is not how you want to be walking into a restaurant so fancy there are no prices on the menu. That always makes me nervous.

So we get seated and Josh's father is asking how school is going, if tutoring is bringing in as much as the diner job did, how my sisters are doing. I couldn't figure out why we were doing this. It was bothering me, which pissed me off because I couldn't enjoy the fancy meal.

Finally after dessert comes, Josh's dad says he's sure I'm wondering why he asked me out to dinner. When I admit yes, that I was worried something was wrong, he laughs and tells me the reason. That every Sunday when me and my sisters go to our fire family dinners and Josh goes to their house, they've come to the decision that they are worried about me. That I am spending so much energy on watching over my sisters, and working at school and work, but nobody is watching over me.

It made me feel bad. Like everyone looks at me and sees someone missing a huge piece of something that I didn't notice. There were tears in my eyes and I got embarrassed and looked down so Josh's father wouldn't see. This was the point when I was angriest - that the nice meal was officially ruined.

Josh's dad went on to say that he and his wife would like to check in with me about once a week, and that they wanted to demonstrate that they cared about what is going on. I'm not explaining it as well as he did. I felt like such shit. For eight years I have been telling myself I don't need what I don't have and to have someone else deciding there's this gaping hole and they want to fill it? I know they mean it in a really nice way and I should be thankful, but if I am then that screws up being able to do life without needing it.

Fired and McDonalds

Today I had tutoring with my chubby Chinese boy. He is doing so well now. I think a huge part of his problem was just confidence. He didn't want to try because there was such a big difference between what he and his twin brother could do. Today I gave him a 22-word spelling test and he only got two and a half wrong (the half was that he wrote a U upside down so it looked like an N). His mother is very happy and was all smiles when she told me I was fired, her son was good enough now.

She said she will give my number to her friends whose kids are behind.

McDonalds has an eggnog milkshake. Alex has been begging for two weeks. After I got home from being fired it felt like a good time to go eat crappy food, so we got one. It was so sweet, I choked a couple of times. It took Alex almost the whole way home to admit it was too sweet for her, that even the smallest option gave too much. We got home and Danielle was making all kinds of pumpkin sweets. Pumpkin cookies, pumpkin brownies, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie.

At one point I told Danielle that it seemed like a LOT of food. She agreed, told me she got carried away and was worried we would get sick of pumpkin food and wind up wasting money. So I portioned it out into four parts. One part we froze, one part to eat now, one part to give Josh's parents and one part we brought to fire family dinner tonight.

Second sick piggie

Josh is now a casualty of the swine flu also. His mother freaked out and suggested he come home immediately for her to have the housekeeper fuss over him. I thought it was a fantastic idea and was all "Want me to call you a cab?"

Unfortunately Josh had the exact opposite reaction and was completely offended and told Laurie he can't go running home for every little cold and he didn't need help and on and on.

Okay, um, so I told Josh if he wants to stay here he can but he is going into Dani and Alex's room so all the sick people stay sequestered away from the healthy people. Alex is so totally happy that she gets to sleep with me (now that I changed the sheets and sprayed the whole room with Lysol to get rid of the piggie germs) and to be honest, I kind of am too. I thought all I wanted was my own room and to be away from my sisters but it turns out I miss them.

Laurie is coming over early tomorrow morning with sick supplies. She was very angry at Josh for not telling her Danielle became a pig this week. I am expecting chicken soup to arrive tomorrow morning. Obviously it's for the sicklies but I am really tempted to eat some myself. Do you think god would smite me for taking their soup by giving me the pig flu?

Way

College is way more in every way. Way faster, way bigger, way more homework, way more crowded, way everything. Josh told me that he'd make sure his mother is talking to people about me tutoring while they're on vacation. I am really really hoping tutoring works out because I just went from working a job and a half to barely working one job.

I smushed all my classes into three and a half days, so I can work for Arnie one full day, one half day, plus Saturdays. Trying to hold out at the diner but literally every shift gets worse and worse. Waitstaff had a huge screaming fight in the kitchen today and diners were totally listening. Two tables got up and left without paying (mostly finished with their meals) and then when the waitresses found out they screamed at me, for not stopping them. With the gun I always carry? With the krav maga I know?

There was a lot of back and forth over whose paycheck those table's meals should come out of - mine or the waitresses. We ended up splitting it, but I'm not happy.

It turned out that (colleges do give homework on the first day) I forgot how many people would be coming to NYC for the first time and would be totally overwhelmed by ... everything. The height of buildings, the density of all the people, the noise, all the stuff that I don't ever notice.

I had to wait a long time to meet with my freshman adviser. I got there a little early but even with that she saw two people before me. She was trying to tell one girl something and I could hear the girl arguing with her. Then as they opened the door to come out the girl was holding her phone and my adviser was saying, "No, I don't talk to parents of students, only students." Actually all through the day there were a lot of kids on their cell phones. When I'd overhear parts of conversations they sounded like they were talking to parents.

There were also a lot of kids who clearly had new shoes for school. I wore the same Gap dress I've been wearing to work once a week with leggings and Converse. I did not whip out my iPhone every 10 minutes and then look around to see who was noticing.

Some of my classes had people standing against the walls in the back and on the sides - they were waiting to see if the professors would let them in. I think there are like, more kids than classes to fit them all in. Excuse me please, I have a ton of studying to do now.

Maybe there can be too much love and affection

I think culture shock is supposed to mean like, going to India or Africa or someplace where everything is different.  When we moved to my nana's we were in shock, but it wasn't culture shock.  When we moved to Aunt Elaine's it was environment shock.  For about a week after we got there she'd tell us what to do. Then by the second week she was yelling at me for not knowing what to do.  After that it was kind of set how things would be there.  We said good night to each other but not her.  We kiss each other's cuts and stick paper cuts under each other's faces, but never hers.  

For the last two or three years every time we'd walk in the door Aunt Elaine would either say nothing or look over and go "Oh, you're back already."  Even if we'd been gone for 12 hours she'd say that.  She never sat and ate meals with us.  She never helped when any of us were sick.  Once I got really sick and threw up in the hallway outside the bathroom and Aunt Elaine just told me I better get it all cleaned up before it started to smell.  

Living here is weird.  Tom and Laurie eat breakfast with us every morning.  Tom knocks on the bedroom door to make sure we're awake.  They come in to say good night every night, even if they're going out with friends.  Last week Danielle screamed in frustration because she couldn't get her french braid right, and Laurie did it for her.  They ask Alex what kind of ice cream she got at camp each day.  If we eat dinner at home, they sit at the table with us. They talk to us about stuff that happened that day or stuff they read.  Last night I went to give Danielle back a skirt we share and Laurie was sitting on her bed talking to her.  I didn't interrupt and when I went back a half hour later, she was still there.  If one of us dresses up for something Tom will notice and say we look nice. If we go out to meet up with friends, they tell us we can invite them back to the house if we want.  When we come back, they ask if we had fun.  

It is overwhelming how involved they are. I have not called Aunt Elaine since we left the Bronx. About twice a week I think of it and feel guilty for not doing it, but I keep not doing it.  I was telling Laurie about it this morning.  That nobody is making sure she's taking her pills on time, that she could have fallen or something.  Laurie and I talked about how unhealthy Aunt Elaine is for a while.  When Laurie was about to walk away she stopped and asked if Aunt Elaine's called me.  She hasn't.  Laurie said, "Almost eight years, she had you out less than a week after you graduated and she hasn't called you either.  If it'll ease your conscience to call, then call her. Phone works both ways though." 

Not to my taste

The grandparents are here!  Except, not really, since they're at their hotel.  Laurie told us yesterday that she is a total basket-case over this.  Alex made her a really sweet card where she drew pictures of relaxing things like sunsets and butterflies and a beach.  Friends of Laurie's have been calling to wish her good luck.  

Yesterday morning Tom and I (and Alex) went to look at apartments.  He'd arranged with some lady to show us five, all in the same neighborhood.  Here is how it went: 

We get to the apartment.  The lady tells us bullshit we don't care about like when it was built and how many other units are in the building or whatever.  I ask how much the rent is.  

Lady: Only $4575.

We get to the front door, and I stand in the entrance while she, Tom and Alex walk in and listen to her talk. 

Lady: Aren't you coming?

Me: No, it's too expensive.

Lady: But don't you want to see how beautiful it is?

Me: It doesn't matter, it costs too much.

The second time I did this, Tom pulled me aside and whispered that what I was doing was rude and insulting and I needed to come in and look around, and after doing that if I still didn't want to live there, then I could simply say it wasn't to my taste. 

Fine. So I walked through the second place and ignored the lady as she went on about hardwood floors and views and whatever else.  When I finished looking, I went to stand near the front door.  Alex was standing in the middle of the kitchen, spinning with her arms wide out.

Lady: So, what do you think?

Me: No thank you, it's not to my taste.

This is what happened in the next three places.  We'd go in.  Alex would run to look at all the rooms, and dance around them with a huge grin on her face, exclaiming she could happily live there forever. Tom would follow the lady as she pointed out microwaves or views or shared walls or whatever, and I would walk through, look at how much it cost, and wait for everyone by the front door.  

We went to lunch and Tom asked what I thought.  Alex said she'd be thrilled with any of the places we saw. I said none of them were to my taste.  Tom smiled and said he could tell and asked what would be to my taste.  I told him something that cost less.  The waitress had shown up right then and said, "I guess that means you don't want dessert."  Tom got Alex a black and white cookie to go, and said we'd keep looking. 

When we left the restaurant I thanked Tom for lunch and asked if we could wait for Josh to get back before looking at any more apartments.  Tom looked at his watch and then said it would be fine but we really need to find something next week.  Whatever. I feel like nobody here is listening to me, so maybe they will listen to Josh if he says it for me. 

Alex kissed me goodbye and went with Tom to his office for the afternoon.  When I looked back at them walking away I saw Alex put her hand in Tom's.  There was a homeless guy at the top of the subway steps with his foot out. I kicked it really hard on my way down the steps. 

Incoming grandparents

I really want to believe things will calm down.  Soon.  Like before the end of the year.  Unfortunately the signs keep pointing in the opposite direction.  Laurie's parents are coming to visit.  She told my sisters at dinner and me after I got home from work.  They are going to stay in a hotel - they have a favorite one they always stay in each time they visit.  

I asked if they will be mad we are here and they are staying in a hotel.  Laurie said no, they will be more upset that Josh and I are going to live together without being married.  I told her, "But we're too young to be married!"  She kind of smiled and asked, "When you say 'we' do you mean you and Josh or you and your sisters?"  The truth is I meant me and my sisters but I felt too stupid to admit that so I said both.  Laurie said that I should work on finding ways to separate myself from them - that the three of us are three individuals, not one entity.  

That kind of pissed me off.  I mean we were forced to be closer than was comfortable for so long and now that we're not we're all doing different things this summer.  We're all going to different schools.  What more does she want?  I'm sorry that her daughter moved halfway around the world and never wants to come visit anymore but that doesn't mean how me and my sisters do things is weird.  

Anyway, I asked why the grandparents are coming to visit before Josh gets back.  It turns out I misunderstood.  They are staying for two weeks.  In a hotel.  For two weeks.  So they'll only be here for like three days or something before Josh gets back.  But still.  How can anyone afford to stay at a hotel for so long?  

So just to review, Josh's grandparents are going to get here, then he's going to get back and then we're supposed to rush around trying to move like two weeks later.  My nana lived downstairs from us.  We ate dinner with her most nights.  If we smelled cookies we went to her after school instead of going home.  When I was really little she brushed the knots out of my hair before my mother would style it.  I can not wrap my head around the idea of grandparents coming to visit once a year and staying at a hotel.  I don't understand how this will work.  

Breakfast: half a rye bagel with peanut butter, hard boiled egg, OJ

Lunch: salad made this morning with walnuts, grilled chicken and mandarin oranges, goldfish pretzels

Dinner: cup of chicken soup, half a cantaloupe, a cookie

Conversations

Josh's mom (Laurie) to me: Why don't you make a list of what you'll need when you move next month and then we can start going shopping for things?
Me: Um okay.
Laurie: Ask Tom (Josh's dad) for the key to get into storage. That way you can go through the things from your mother to remind yourself of what you already have so you don't wind up with duplicates.
Me: Okay. Where is everything going to go once we get it?
Laurie: Oh we can just tell them not to deliver until the new apartment gets secured. We can also put some things in storage.
Me: How are we going to buy stuff while Josh is away? Shouldn't he get to choose too?
Laurie: He won't care. He's easy like that.

Laurie: I hope you don't mind my saying this, but would you and your sisters consider letting us buy you new bedding?
Me: Oh. Well thank you, but our sheets and blankets are totally fine. They don't need to be replaced.
Laurie: Somehow despite being laundered, there is still a lingering smell of cigarette smoke on them. Tom and I would be thrilled to start you kids off in a smoke-free environment.
Me: I hadn't noticed. Maybe we're just used to it.

I was totally embarrassed. When I told Alex and Danielle though, they weren't at all uncomfortable. Alex, thanks to her obsessive-compulsive catalog fetish, already picked out the new blanket she wants, but it is ridiculously expensive and I told her there's no way she can tell Josh's parents that's what she wants.

That is another thing. Some things, I don't know how much they are supposed to cost. There are trash cans that cost $5 and others that cost $140. How do people know which one is better? Why would you want to spend over $100 on something for garbage? Will it break? How do you even begin to buy bedding? Or a desk!

Me to Josh: Your mom wants to go shopping with me to buy stuff for when we move.
Josh: Cool, have fun.
Me: Don't you want to come?
Josh: No, I don't care. Just don't get anything too girly.
Me: Really?
Josh: Yeah. I'm not sleeping on pink sheets or drying off after a shower with a towel that has hearts and flowers on it.
Me: That's all you care about?
Josh: I care about having good food, not if the plate the food is on is bone china or something else.
Me: Okay.
Josh: If you don't know what to get either ask my mom or wait until I'm back and we'll figure it out.

Me to Danielle: Please help me. I am totally overwhelmed.
Dani: Let me see your list.
Dani: You're doing this all wrong. Plus you forgot a lot of stuff.
Me: Like what?
Dani: Trash cans? A tv. A desk! Beds! You need to put everything in categories. Like everything you'll need for the kitchen, everything you'll need for bedrooms, like that.
Me: You're giving me a headache.
Dani: You need a lot of help.
Me: Thanks.
Dani: Don't look so scared. I'll come up with a good way for you to properly thank me.

This is how I came to spend several hours today opening up all our mommy boxes and going through our old stuff. Some things still smell like her. There are dishtowels she and my nana hand embroidered. They have flowers though, so Josh will not like them. Maybe we can just get a boy-friendly dishtowel, like one in red or black or something to balance them out.

I didn't realize what was in the boxes. My nana's tea kettle is here (it has flowers on it - how come I never realized how many things have flowers before?) and I thought somewhere in these boxes was a set of dishes, but I didn't find them. How did I spend all these years thinking we had a set of dishes that we don't have? What happened to our dishes? Who has them?

There are a lot of photo albums and picture frames all wrapped in scraps of fabric. There are two boxes filled with cards and pictures Topher and my sisters and I made for our mom and nana. Who packed these? There's an entire box just filled with fabric. What happened to the sewing machines? The big hatbox that was filled with buttons?

I thought we had an entire house full of stuff, or really almost two houses full of stuff packed into boxes in our closet. But what we have instead is a bunch of stuff that is really nice to look at but will not really help us, except in terms of decorating. I want to make blankets out of all the fabric. Of course a lot of the fabric has flowers on it.

When we move I don't want to have to store ANY of this stuff. I want to be able to put it all out and use it and touch it and look at it every single day. I don't want to have to pack away the tea kettle again just because it has flowers and Josh doesn't want to use flowery things. I am so sad and frustrated and not happy at all.

Having friends over is as awesome as I remember it

This morning when I was at work a guy named Rory called me to see what I'm doing this summer. He is being a sports camp counselor at Chelsea Piers for the summer. We talked for a while and then he asked if I want to hang out. It got busy and I told Rory I'd call him back. It took over an hour for things to calm down. It goes in waves.

When it was quiet again I called Josh's mom. She is so sweet - the very first thing she said was, "Are you coming home sick? Just get in a cab and we'll pay the fare." No, not sick - I just wanted to ask if I could invite Rory over for dinner. Josh's mom did such a mom thing. It was so anti-Aunt Elaine that I couldn't say thank you right away. She said, "Of course, we would love to meet a friend of yours."

Calling Rory back and being able to say come pick me up after work and come home with me for dinner was so awesome. I don't even know how I made it almost eight years without having people over. When my mom was alive there were people at our house ALL the time. People would just pop by, or I'd come home from school to see who would be there to eat snack, it was great. When I was little I could invite people over all the time.

Rory finished before me so he waited around in the reception area until I was ready to leave. He made faces behind people when they were standing at the reception desk talking to me and it was hard not to laugh. We got to Josh's house and I introduced Rory to Josh's mom. She offered us veggies and dip because dinner was soon and we took the food to my room.

It was fun hanging out and bullshitting at home for once. I kept listening for footsteps coming but Josh's mom kept my sisters away somehow until dinner. When we sat down at the table Josh's parents asked Rory questions about where he was going for college and baseball and stuff. He talked about how his girlfriend is also being a camp counselor but at a sleepaway camp. When Rory said that Alex audibly exhaled and was like "Oh thank god! All this time I thought Sammers brought a boy home to her boyfriend's house."

She can be so freaking embarrassing. Rory was really nice about it though and just told her "No, we're not hooking up, we just like to hang out and talk about everyone else who's hooking up." I felt like it was kind of ... not appropriate dinner conversation in a fancy house you know? After dinner we hung out watching tv for a while and Rory went home around 10.

Today was a little bit awesome.

Living with parents is a lot of extra work

Last night I went out to meet a bunch of people when I got invited. It would be embarrassing if I confessed to being excited so I won't. There won't be any mention of how many times I changed my outfit either. Around 2AM I came home practically not drunk at all and Josh's dad was awake. He offered me a piece of pie and for once I was allowed to get my own food from the kitchen.

It was a TRAP. The pie came with a side of a speech. Josh's dad would probably be upset if he knew this but I was so tired and not-drunk that I have no idea what he said. I tried to nod and eat the pie and respond politely. Hopefully I didn't agree to anything big.

Hello to Everyone

It is very weird living here. There are people around who not only will do things for you, but they seem to feel insulted if you don't LET them do things for you. None of the three of us have cooked dinner since we've gotten here. Josh's mom talked Alex into throwing out all her catalogs and it was so nice that for once, I didn't have to be the bad guy.

My sisters and I are not good at being rich. Not only is there the whole problem where when we are hungry we just go to take food and make it instead of letting the housekeeper know so she can get us something, it turns out we talk to the wrong people. There are guys downstairs. One of them is a doorman. His entire job is to open the door for you, whether you're coming in or out. He'll get you a cab, help if you're carrying heavy bags, and I bet if it were raining he would hold an umbrella over your head so you wouldn't get wet too. Then, there's the security guy. Or maybe that's not what he's called, I don't know. But he signs for packages and calls upstairs if someone is in the lobby for you. Somebody will press the elevator button for you too. They also have bandaids for when you cut your finger like I did.

Danielle and Alex and I say hello each time we see them, because they're like people. On Saturday, the doorman told Danielle that we are the friendliest group of kids they've had in the building in a long, long time. Alex was with her and said to him, "Maybe that's because we're new." I don't think so though. I think it's because we're us.

Moving review

A girl in my math class is going to college in Scotland. This really nice guy she's dating is going to Northwestern. It is embarrassing to say where I'm going when people ask. Nobody I know is going there and a few people even said "Oh, that was my safe school" when I told them. Everyone is discussing which Ed Hardy bedding package thing they're getting for college. What is everyone doing with all their old comforters though?

Yesterday morning, very early, Josh and his dad came over before Aunt Elaine was awake. Josh's dad wanted to see how much stuff we have to move. He said we are not taking our mattresses or any of Aunt Elaine's furniture in our room (the dresser). I looked at Josh like "what the fuck?!" because I do not want to make my sisters sleep on the floor. He shook his head and pulled me into the hallway. Josh's parents are getting a trundle bed for Danielle and Alex.

It was kind of embarrassing when Josh's dad asked if he could see how much was in the closet and when Alex opened it we realized there was a box of tampons right there on the top shelf. Ugh. We worked so hard Friday to clean up our room and make everything really neat, throwing out stuff and organizing I forgot to make sure there wouldn't be anything embarrassing laying around.

Josh's father said everything will fit in their SUV, and didn't get angry when we asked a total of about five times if we can bring our mom's stuff. He said we may have to make two trips but assured us everything will fit. Josh told me there is storage in the basement of his building - that's where people keep bikes and skiis and Christmas decorations. So my mom's stuff can go there for July and half of August. I can not WAIT until we move after Josh's house and we can open up the boxes and put my mom's things all over to look at and touch every day.

If This Is What It'll Be Like, We'll Be Fine

I am sleeping in Josh's room and my sisters are both sleeping in the guest room together. When I went to bed the first night I felt something under the pillow. It was a little note he'd left me. Okay, a dirty limerick and then at the bottom Josh wrote that I should make myself at home, he'd left notes all over his room for me. So cute.

We had to get up early for work, or at least I did. My sisters did too though, so we had breakfast together. Nobody yelled at us to be quiet. We had kind of a big breakfast, and there's still tons of food left for the rest of the week. I opened the refrigerator just to look at all the food a few times since we got here.

Danielle is coughing less here. She has like a permanent cough that we think is from Aunt Elaine's smoking. Not so much these days. We hauled all our laundry here to wash everything. My laptop is in the living room. Alex's science book is on the dining room table. Stuff is spread out all over. Three people's things aren't all crammed into just one bedroom.

I am just really happy here. Even though we should just have fun and enjoy the week it's hard to not panic at the thought of having to go home at the end of the week. Can't help but wonder if this is how it is all the time for other kids. I hope they are enjoying it.