The good: I had a dream about my mom. Can't remember most of it, but I was confused and anxious and had a lot of questions. Then my mother was there, on my side, a little behind me. She held my hand and we walked and she explained things. I was stressed about how things are and didn't understand why everything happened. I kept asking questions and my mother kept (twice I just tried to write kept and twice accidentally typed help - I bet Craig would say that means something) holding my hand and talking to me quietly, explaining why everything is the way it is. Her answers made me feel better, and she helped me come to peace with the way things are.
We talked about everything. Food, death, sex, Topher, school, Aunt Elaine, sewing, 9/11, the lack of funerals, her stuff, my sisters, cooking, work, her, me, us. I talked really fast, she talked really calmly. She smiled a lot, and looked away a lot, but every time she looked back at me she smiled. I wanted to go inside her, to merge somehow so we would be together.
The bad: I woke up. It wasn't real. Josh said I sat up half asleep and was moving around, patting the blankets like I was looking for something and getting more and more upset as I wasn't finding it before he got me to lay back down and go back to sleep. When I woke up for real, I couldn't remember the things my mother had said that made me feel better. It felt like when you misplace your keys and you keep walking through rooms sure they're around somewhere but you just can't find them in the moment. I knew my mom had given me the answers, but I just couldn't find them once I was awake. While I am upset that I can't listen to what she said over and over to soothe myself, I am trying to be comforted by the fact that I accepted what she said in my dream. Not sure it's working.
The ugly: Josh's parents wanted to have a special dinner for the last night of the holiday but they were all busy so we had it tonight instead of last night. At dinner they wound up telling Josh that when we're in Florida we have to stop in to say hello to some relatives he doesn't want to see. Josh was in a terrible mood and flipped out, totally yelling at John & Laurie about how this is a vacation and it's supposed to be fun and not an obligation. I guess he feels like this happens all the time - they say he can do something fun but then put a condition on it.
After a little while of listening, once I knew there was no good way to get involved I zoned out and tried again, like I had been all day, to go back to my dream so I could feel my mom. I got so close but not quite there, and then Josh wanted to leave so we did, and he yelled at me all the way home for not backing him up. I zoned out on that too.
6 comments:
I can imagine exactly the pull between the comfort you felt from the visit from your mom in your dream and the angst of wanting to remember what she told you. While I haven't lost a parent, I do get infrequent comforting visiting from my grandfather and it is SO EMOTIONAL when I wake. Also, when I'm anxious about something at work (or school, in the past), I will often dream that I've solved the problem.. and I wake with a feeling of desperation, trying to recall what the solution was.. if only I could remember!!
The truth is, the answers probably weren't really there in the dream so there's no use in trying to recall the specifics (for me). Try to just go with the comforting feeling and hold on to that - it's real and useful to you even if the underlying advice you've forgotten isn't.
As for Josh and his parents - this is the first time he's sounded like he's acting spoiled to me. But I'm trying to remember back to when I was his age. I'm sure I was impetuous with my parents and would have been indignant at such a request, also. Now that I'm older, however (oh, so wise! ha! in my late 30's), I see it more from his parents' point of view. Visiting a relative is way more important than the hour or two of 'relaxing' Josh'll be passing up to do it. I hope he's able to be more gracious about his parents' request. I think it was good you didn't get involved in that argument. One should stay completely Switzerland when it comes to a partner's family conflicts.
I hope you get another visit from your mom soon.
correction: I think I meant 'petulant' above rather than 'impetuous'. (note to self: more coffee!)
I usually love when I dream about deceased loved ones. I feel like I "visited" with them.
My take on the dream is that your mom represents the wise, soothing part of yourself. It is there. The key is to try discover it. This part is probably your mother who you internalized.
gmg
We talked about these dreams about a dead loved one in a grief class that I took. Everyone agreed that they are like a visit from that person. All welcomed those dreams. My brother died last year. A year ago this week, actually. It has all been very, very painful as I know you are aware. I so much want one of those visits in a dream. I want to know he is ok, happy. I want to know that he is somewhere wonderful. I want to know that this life is not the last stop. That there is some hope that I will see him again.
I believe you will remember this dream about your mom for a long, long time. I hope you continue to have "visits" from her like this one; I can tell how much you enjoyed that feeling of comfort and love.
As for Josh - well, he will eventually come to learn that he should not plan a vacation anywhere near a family obligation. They will always exist and he will always be pressured to attend to them.
The last time I dreamed about my parents I woke up crying a very strange, shallow cry-but my dream had been great, so I think I was crying because I knew I was waking up. I was fitful in my sleep for a while beforehand, apparently. For several days I was able to go back to the wonderful dream where my parents were alive and I could talk to them. My father died 15 years ago, and my mother 4.5 years ago.
I don't think it would have been appropriate for you to "back him up" in this situation. There are some issues on which you cannot intervene.
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