This is my pimp

Yesterday Arnie took me to lunch. Right before we walked into the restaurant out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw a guy I knew, but couldn't place. He grinned at me as I walked by, and it slipped out of my mind as I walked in.

Arnie was telling me all these stories about when he was in the military stationed in South Korea and we were there for over an hour. When we left, I saw the guy from before leaning against the wall as people swarmed past him.

All of a sudden I realized where I knew him from, and why I hadn't been able to place him before. In the past, I'd always seen him in the South Bronx. He smiled at me, and we said hi. Arnie stood there quietly, so I introduced them. "Rod, this is Arnie, my boss. Arnie, this is Rod, my pi.... my old neighbor."

Me and my sisters totally thought of him as "our pimp" but until I was about to say it out loud, I hadn't realized how it would sound. We never referred to him by name, and would sometimes go back to Aunt Elaine's and show each other the lollipop he gave one of us or something. Sometimes it's awkward when your social circles collide.

World series, baby!

We all went to Josh's parent's house to watch the World Series on their huge-screen tv. It's fun to watch something happening in the Bronx, so close to where we lived. My friend Jenna called me and said the area was literally vibrating and it felt like the entire city was screaming through her windows.

Josh's mom ordered in deli food for dinner and we ate and screamed and cheered. Then we took a cab home.

Now my throat hurts, but I don't mind because we have a lot of deli food to eat tomorrow (and probably Friday too).

Preppy preppy princesses!

It wasn't just Ralph Lauren stuff in the bags. There was JCrew stuff too, and three pairs of barely worn Chucks in Dani's and my size (black, light blue and olive green). There was baby JCrew stuff for Alex - she has an entire new wardrobe now. She got six short-sleeve plain t-shirts, four tank tops, two pairs of leggings, a denim skirt, a dressy skirt, two new bathing suits, four pairs of shorts, a pair of flip flops, and a bunch of ponytail holders.

This is not at ALL our style. Almost all my shirts are black. I have one white tank top. Only my nice clothes have colors. This is a huge departure from our regular clothes. Nothing we got was black. There's some navy blue flip flops, but no black. There were some abercrombie tanks that are awesome.

Our style has had to completely changed now. Alex went to school today in camo capri pants with a hot pink polo shirt. Danielle wore a demin skirt and layered two tank tops. Tomorrow we are taking some of the stuff to Brooklyn, to a seamstress my mother used to know to have clothes altered. Some things are perfect in length but way too wide. I can hem things just fine, but this is fancy sewing that's out of my league. While we are out there we will drop off our thank you notes and return the containers the leftovers were in. Danielle was kind of bummed at first that this stuff is so preppy but as Alex told her, "We're poor and it's free so LIKE IT!" plus my thing is that it's all mostly NEW. It even smells new.

Alex put a fan outside our bedroom facing out, away from us. The goal is to blow the smoke away from our bedroom so our preppy new clothes won't smell like smoke. (I don't think it'll work.) This morning Danielle was getting dressed and said to me, "I can't remember what I was wearing every day before Sunday."

Where do I live?

Now that Alex is walking around with her messed up face, Aunt Elaine has decided she is officially no longer the cute baby anymore. Alex got told she's nothing but trouble, just like the other two (me and Danielle). Aunt Elaine also told Alex to make sure she's gone when I leave at the end of June. But here is the problem. Josh's parents are not finding an apartment before August 15th. That's the weekend they have decided to like, start renting or whatever it's called.

I won't be 18 until the fall so like technically Aunt Elaine can't kick us out. Except that she will just have the locks changed one day while we're not home and then won't open the door. She totally told me this. She has the phone number for a locksmith all written down and everything. My school ends at the end of June. Where do you live for like a month and a half?

Even if I got Josh's parents to get an apartment to start earlier than they planned, there is no way I will be able to pay for it all by myself. Because if it were up to me, we would just get a one-bedroom for like $1,000 and Alex & Danielle could have the bedroom and I would sleep in the living room. Josh showed me some of the apartments his parents were looking at for us, and they are crazy expensive.

This is the problem with a rich person dating a poor person. What's good enough for me because it's what I can afford is not even something a rich person would think about considering for even one second. Danielle's idea is that we buy a cheap car at the end of June and a gym membership and live in the car and shower at a gym each day and then sell the car in mid-August. So far this is the best plan.

Aftermath of being jumped

Alex had a horrible night. This means all three of us had a horrible night. Danielle and I considered drugging Alex up double but decided she doesn't weigh enough plus with her concussion we decided it wouldn't be a good idea. Dani slept on the floor in the hallway and I slept with Alex and woke her up a little every two hours plus every time it seemed like she was starting to get a nightmare.

I networked like a mofo today and all we've figured out is it was a bunch of hispanic high school girls. Hispanic because Alex remembers being called puta and high school girls because Alex feels like they were all coming down on her from above and she was really certain about that. There wouldn't be a group of junior high girls who ALL got left back.

Aunt Elaine was not happy we were home, especially me since nothing's wrong with me, but you can't look at Al's pathetic face without realizing she's all messed up. I just didn't want to leave her home alone today. Tomorrow I am taking Alex to talk to Craig. I called this morning and he said we can meet in the morning and I hope he will get Al to stop having nightmares.

Alex doesn't want to go to school Monday with her face all messed up. I don't blame her but think she'll look much better three days afterwards. Danielle is really good with makeup so we'll see what Alex looks like Sunday night. Hopefully by then she can talk normally. This sucks.

Dying of guilt

Alex is not just the baby of the three of us. She is a baby. An 11 year-old baby. Al doesn't just need to sleep with somebody to fall asleep, she needs to touch something of theirs too. When Danielle goes to bed she always finds Alex with her hands reached over and entwined in her blanket. When I am about to go to sleep, first I always pick Alex up and haul her back onto her bed and off whoever's bed she's squirmed over onto.

Alex has never gone to the doctor by herself. I don't thinks she's ever put on her own bandaid either. Several months ago we started pushing her to cook dinner herself once a week, and she still can't do it without both asking for help and crying. Alex also doesn't go anywhere by herself. Maybe a couple of times a month she leaves school and comes to meet me at the diner on her own. This is always a big deal and Alex arrives looking shocked that she made it and didn't accidentally wind up in Jersey.

Today was supposed to be one of those days. Alex had a thing after school and then was going to leave and come to the diner. It was busy and I didn't realize she hadn't shown up until it was an hour after I expected her. In between seating people I checked with Danielle.

Me - Al's not here. ?
Dani - u should lev urly.
Me - ?
Dani - blood not broken.

I almost threw up right then. Why was there blood? Totally freaked out. I left work early for like the first time, saying I had a family emergency. The owner's wife was there, took over for me and I raced home. I couldn't decide between calling Danielle and staying on the streets to have reception or going on the train and not having reception but getting there faster.

When I got home Danielle and Alex were sitting in the bathroom and Alex's shirt was ripped, her hair was all messy, her face was all bloody. I couldn't even tell where it was coming from. I mean, clearly it was from her face but it was all over and Alex wouldn't let me touch anywhere. After like 10 minutes of yelling Danielle and I finally convinced her to put on a different shirt and Alex screamed through the whole process, and we took the train a few stops away so I could get us a taxi and go to an emergency room.

Four hours later we are home. Alex has two black eyes, a split lip, a broken cheekbone, and a bloody nose. They did not like me for an adult and called Aunt Elaine. I am not sure what she said but the guy nurse who came back was not happy. Of course I made things worse by standing in front of Alex and telling him not to take out his anger on her face.

The police came and Alex gave descriptions but one of the cops pulled me aside and said nothing was going to happen. Between not knowing the girls who did it, and not even knowing exactly how many they was, she said they did not have enough information. They asked really good questions though, even if any of the girls were in a uniform of any kind, if they were in junior high or high school.

We got some pain killers and Alex is not to eat anything salty or sour. I know it was free medical care so I shouldn't complain, but I will anyway. They didn't even clean the blood that had dripped - I had to clean Alex when we got home and she was half asleep. I don't think we're going to school tomorrow. I also don't think Alex will be going anywhere by herself for a long, long time. Okay excuse me I am going to go cry now.

Scavaged too soon

There was a college boy living in our building. I think he was like, in masters school or something to get his Phd in biology or chemistry. Something sciencey. Danielle would know. Except she didn't talk to him, only Alex did.

Alex got home by herself one day last year and Aunt Elaine was sleeping. Alex didn't have her key so she couldn't get inside and after she waited in the hallway for a long time she was going to die if she didn't go to the bathroom so she knocked on this guy's door. That's how they became friends.

He's not really friendly like talking-wise but he's really into "being a gentleman" and will hold the door and if he saw one of us carrying something that looked heavy he'd always offer to carry it to our door for us. I think he was from the Middle East somewhere.

Anyway, he moved out over the weekend. We saw him with some older guy carrying boxes and stuff, and then when he was all finished Alex told me he hadn't locked his door. Naturally we went over to see what he left.

That's how we wound up running back and forth from his apartment to ours up and down the hallway carrying armloads of paper towel, a box of tissues, almost a full bottle of Dial soap, more than half of a gallon (!!) of milk, two big bags of frozen mushroom ravioli, a package of frozen chicken, some BBQ sauce, a jar of strawberry jam and a perfectly decent white towel.

So we've been happily using his Dial and drinking this guy's milk and then last night he came back. Alex asked him what he was doing there since he'd already moved out. He said he'd come back to clean out his refrigerator and pick up a couple of things he'd left. Whoops. Dani told him that she'd seen some people from another floor leaving his apartment and she wondered if he'd left his door unlocked.

How were we supposed to know he'd come back?

One of those days when being rich would be nice

This morning I worked from 7 a.m. until 1:30 p.m. Dani worked from 6 a.m. until noon. There is no fire family dinner tonight because it's easter and spring break. Everyone is busy doing easter things. Alex did her social studies report and cleaned out the refrigerator. She wants to go see a movie.

It's actually a good idea except for how much it costs. Movies are open today. It would take up some time. We wouldn't be at home. We could go to a nice theater in the city instead of a crappy one here. Sometimes it would be really nice to be rich.

Unwell Endings

Alex called me from her friend's house. She didn't feel good and wanted to come home. She said the pizza tasted funny.

Danielle picked her up at our subway stop and on their walk home Alex leaned against a building and cried. I don't know if the pizza was bad and made Alex sick, or it tasted bad to her because she's sick. All I do know is she spent the rest of the afternoon and night in bed either crying, sleeping or looking pitiful. Dani gave her rye toast with jelly on it and Alex ate less than half.

How come any time we get sick it's always a long, drawn out illness that takes at least a week to recover from? How come we never magically bounce back after sleeping it off?

I hope Dani and I don't catch whatever Alex has.

The end.

Crush!

I can't stop laughing. Alex admitted finally that she has a crush on this boy Rico. Everybody knows of him. Everybody. Because when he was at his stop, instead of just getting down normally, he backed off a bus and fell on his ass doing it.

He'd be cuter if he weren't so stupid.

There Was a Cake Involved

Alex had told me that if she was going to change grades she also wanted to change schools. Specifically, to Bronx Dance Academy. But when Craig and Alex and I talked with her teacher yesterday, Alex got talked out of that decision with three simple words. They. have. uniforms.

We do not believe in uniforms. At all. Like vehemently against them.

Plus that school is only like 2% white and over 70% hispanic. It turns out Alex is in a major love affair with her teacher, who loves her right back. I bet half of that love is simply pure relief over the disaster that was last year's mean teacher. This explains why Alex was hesitant to skip into seventh grade. What if she got another mean teacher? Don't mess with a good thing. Plus seventh grade is when you get a different teacher for each class. That's so many opportunities for mean teachers. It's like Alex has post dramatic stress from fifth grade.

Her current teacher said she could always keep getting lesson plans from her 7th grade teacher friends for Alex while she stays in her class. Except she gave Al a math packet for the entire month of October and it got done in one weekend. And then what would Alex do next year? Get eighth grade packets?

Alex's teacher showed us a mock 7th grade schedule she had asked the guidence counselor to make for her. I think really it was based on just which classes had space for another kid but Alex all but made her promise all the teachers listed are the nicest ones of the grade.

Craig offered to go home with us to talk to Aunt Elaine. They met in the hallway and the speed freak yelled at her not to sign the "skip a grade" thing Craig showed her. I think the only thing that propelled Aunt Elaine to get out of her chair for Craig was the fear that otherwise he'd come in and our promise that this would get Alex out of her house sooner than she thought. Luckily Aunt Elaine ignored him even when he licked his fingers and rubbed his nipples at her.

Tomorrow Alex starts seventh grade under the condition that she visits her sixth grade teacher before the end of the month to check in and let her know how it's going.

You Are Not Welcome Here

Alex has never watched 9/11 footage. When some of Topher's fire guys came over to talk to us that day it was on the news and one of them took her out of the room and said she didn't need to be seeing that. Al stopped talking that day and it took months for her to talk again.

In school one time this boy asked what the point was of like learning all this boring history. Our teacher said so we're not doomed to repeat it. I guess the point is to remember forever. The three of us won't ever forget so we don't need to watch 9/11 footage and reinactments.

I expect a lot of documentaries around September 11th. People are really into anniversaries. We kind of avoid tv then. I didn't expect one today. But after dinner we realized what Aunt Elaine was watching - some show all about it. With people who were there and actors pretending to be them in burning highrise buildings. With a firefighter walking down a smoky hallway. I don't want to see people in business suits covering their mouths. I don't want to see clouds of smoke rolling down the streets covering people.

I felt chills go up and down my body. Danielle asked Aunt Elaine to put on something else. She wouldn't. She's such a bitch. We can hear the tv from our room, even with the door closed. So we left. Alex had some money with her and we got an ice cream to share. Danielle went up at 10pm to see if it was over, but it wasn't.

We went into a corner store and read magazines until they kicked us out. We went to a pizza place and hung out for a while. There was a boy there I kind of recognized with his friends and we talked with them. Then we got kicked out for being too loud even though we weren't really that loud.

I waited until ten minutes until 11 and then told Danielle we should go home - by the time we got there and were ready for bed it had to be over. I was right.

There should be warnings or something if they're going to do 9/11 stuff ahead of time. We could have gone into the city for the night or something.

Back and Forth

As always the tv is on. Some reality tv show where cameras are in an emergency room in the South Bronx, here. We watch the sirens on tv and listen to them outside at the same time. There was a fancy rice on sale over the weekend so we got it and Alex followed the directions tonight and we ate it and it was good.

My nightlight was a purple pig and it got turned on before the big light got turned off. The door was left open the width of a hand sideways. You'd think I wouldn't have been able to fall asleep hearing the noise down the hallway, but the laughter and talks lulled me to sleep every time.

Dani is the future doctor who can't stand the sight of blood. The tv show has a guy whose cheek got sliced open in a fight, and she freaks out. There's only a tiny bit of fancy rice left, in a faux Tupperware for whoever gets to it first tomorrow.

The door creaked open and a body stands in the doorway, blocking most of the light from the hallway. I pretend to be asleep, but am excited to smell the leather jacket combined with Eternity. Because it only means one thing - Topher. I roll onto my belly and wait.

Alex doesn't cry anymore when it's her night to cook dinner. She begs us to stay in the kitchen and keep her company, talk with her. It's a trick - she just hopes we'll wind up helping her. Sneaky little shit.

Topher grabs the covers near my feet and throws them up in the air, letting them settle without wrinkles. He sits down next to me and rubs my back while we talk. My grandma, who I spent the most time with in those days, always talked to me like a little kid. But not Topher. He would tell me all his grownup stuff. Things involving changing the oil on his friend's car, liking a girl who was flirting with someone else, how many donuts he ate that day.

Aunt Elaine always bitches about our dinners - she has since we got here and tried to explain what we eat. I'm surprised her eyes havent' fallen out of her head from all the heavy duty rolling. She eats whatever we make and also has a snack while dinner is being cooked. And after. And into the night. And bitches at us about how we cost her way too much money in food.

When I was first learning to read, Topher would draw letters on my back with his finger for me to guess. When I got better he promoted me to words. Sometimes Topher would come over just to say good night to me. I felt special and even now if somebody rubs my back it relaxes me really fast and puts me to sleep.

When Dani passed a pair of shoes down to Alex and she got bad blisters, Al came complaining. Danielle sat down today after school to inspect, and pronounced blisters, but wouldn't fix. That was my job. Alex sat on the bathroom counter while I fixed her foot up, trying on all my lipsticks.

During summers Topher would come in late at night and whisper to me. "Did you already brush your teeth?" The right answer was no. Saying yes would just get me a kiss with a "Good girl" and he'd go back out. Saying no meant a piggyback ride out to the front stoop, where italian ices would be passed around and the big girls would french braid my hair and tell me how cute I was.

Tonight Alex asked me when she can have her own lipstick. I don't know. Maybe next time I have extra money I'll get her flavored lip gloss once the summer starts. Sixth grade is totally old enough. Besides, I don't want her stealing mine.

My mom would stand in the door and pretend to be angry that I was up and out of bed so late at night. But it was an act; like she was just following the mom manual. "Five more minutes and then back to bed," she'd say frowning. But she wouldn't come back for twenty minutes. Later, when Topher had tucked me back in, my mother would come check on me, compliment my hair and ask if I had fun with the big kids. And I always did.

Even Drug Dealers Have Mothers

I'll fuck you. My eyes whip up to look at everyone, to see who's about to laugh at me first. Oh wait. I didn't say that, just thought it. But then... who did? We all start laughing at Deanna. Except I'm laughing with relief that I didn't say it. Even though I would, maybe. I don't know.

Chris, my drug-dealer prom date, smirks at Deanna. Thanks, but I'll pass. A penguin would be better than you. Whoa. And that's why you should never proposition your ex-boyfriend's best friend after you cheated on him with the guy he hates more than everyone else. Because he will diss you in a crowd of seniors, and everyone will laugh.

Everyone waits for me to finish work, and we walk out, going nowhere. I am next to this girl Mayra, who is telling me about applying to colleges. She tells me where she's going next fall, and I promptly forget, instead focusing on Chris. I can't hear what he's saying, but the two seniors he's saying it to turn around and look at me.

I realize if I leave now, they'll all talk about me. But this is my train. We hang out talking at the top of the stairs, getting dirty looks from commuters rushing home. Chris asks if I want to come over to hang out. YESSSSS. Alex can make Aunt Elaine quiz her in the commercials.

Chris unlocks the door and then steps back for me to go in first. I walk across the hall to where jackets are hung on hooks and dump my bookbag on the floor, kicking off my shoes. Grabbing the back of my shirt, Chris pulls me towards the kitchen. His mother is sitting on the counter talking on the phone. She waves at me so I smile and wave back. I hate mothers.

Chills go through my body from the open freezer door while Chris is looking for something to eat. Even though we just came from the diner. The mom pushes Chris aside and hands him a carton of ice cream from the corner of the freezer. He kisses her head, and gestures to me to follow as he walks out of the kitchen. I hear fingers snap behind me and turn around. The mom is holding out two spoons to me and smiling while she listens to her phone. I mouth thank you and take them. She is so nice.

As we walk down the hall to his bedroom, Chris stops short so I bump into him, and then keeps walking, laughing. I put the spoons down on the desk, on top of forms from St. Johns. Chris turns me around. I got a basketball scholarship. I congratulate him and ask how tall he is. 5'11". Lighting the tall Jesus candles lining his windowsill, Chris tells me about his college.

What's It Like Where You Live?

Here's exactly what it's like where I live. Classy, ain't it?