Stand still

This week is spring break. I didn't go away. I don't smell like sunscreen. I am not wearing jeans shorts below my hip bones with a bikini top. Not because I wasn't invited, because I was. Twice. Because I felt like I needed to stay home. No concrete reason why. Just a feeling. I hate feelings. Feelings suck and are pale rather than tan.

My friend pointed out this is our last spring break. That after this year we'll probably have to work and be all serious and shit. That instead of having three months off for summer and one month off around Christmas, we'll be lucky to even get three weeks off all year.

Maybe that's what it was. If I am calm and non-busy enough to think about it, then I feel guilty for not being too busy to think. There's a little more than a month and a half left of school, then finals. Then being a grownup. Forever.

At some point Monday night, Josh's dad and I were talking and he told me, "You know that when you start your real job, you can't tutor anymore, right?" Ohhh. It kind of hadn't really occurred to me. I guess my real job will go up to dinnertime. Every day. Every. Single. Day. What if I have ADD and can't concentrate that long? What if I hate it?

Is this why people go to graduate school? So they can keep having spring breaks?

Tomorrow needs to be better

I ate like such shit today. Alex had a minor crisis and in helping her I ran out of time for breakfast. On the way to my first class I got a hot chocolate and a croissant. Is it me, or are these things way too big for one person? I couldn't finish it and gave the leftover to a homeless guy.

I got invited to go to lunch with people. Everyone wanted pizza. I managed to talk two people into splitting a salad with me, so I had a tiny salad and slice of pizza.

By mid-afternoon there was like this carb overload slump. To fix it, I spent even more money on food and bought an apple and a banana.

The good thing that's come out of my broken arm is that so far, my sisters are still hard-core helping with dinner. Pretty sure all three of us are relieved that they aren't coming in each time I'm showering to wash my hair. But my sisters are totally helping with dinner each night, with barely any asking and absolutely no complaining. When I got home they'd baked homemade mac & cheese with spinach and sweet potato fries on the side. Not exactly the healthiest thing, but I didn't have to cook it.

Dani talked Josh into going out for dessert. They brought back ice cream and Alex, who burns like 3,000 calories a day, scarfed hers down and then asked after mine. Honestly, I think Josh shared it with her just so she wouldn't eat an entire second one herself.

Tomorrow I need to eat really carefully to make up for today.

Taxes, anyone?

It looks like I'm definitely going to wind up being an accountant. I mean, obviously that was always my major and everything but now shit is getting real. It is shocking to think that in a little over a year real grownups who run huge companies worth more money than anyone should have, will let me give them advice about their finances. That's just crazy.

The other night Josh's friend was over, and he told me about his older brother who works for one of the big four accounting firms. He said that's what I should aim for, that's what will pay the most. Most of the people at school that I've talked to plan to work for a little accounting office - everyone seems to know someone. Everyone's aunt knows an accountant in Queens. Or their dad used a guy who will need someone. I don't know anybody. There's over a year left, so I am trying to keep the panic to a very low boil.

There's a stereotype of accountants being nerdy. It's hard to believe I'll be one of those since I'm like the least nerdy person. I am worried that it'll be me, surrounded by super-nerds who will think I'm an idiot.

Plans

1. study
2. study
3. study
4. eat some jellybeans
5. study
6. study
7. go work out
8. study 
9. study
10. study
11. put hot-as-i-can-stand-it washcloth over eyes when eye muscles are twitching
12. study
13. study
14. study
15. take finals
16. collapse

Commencing freakout

Finals are in about two weeks, and it feels like there is no way to possibly be ready in time.  Time needs to expand, and there needs to be an extra four to six hours starting around 2am. Then I could sleep during those hours, and do all my other stuff during the regular hours.

So much rushing around is happening that I am fucking things up left and right. This morning I brushed my teeth, then couldn't remember what to do next, and somehow brushed my teeth a second time. Totally forgot to wash my face. Forgot to eat lunch and in the middle of the afternoon got super dizzy for about a half hour. The whole day went like that. Josh poked his head into our bedroom and I was just standing there in jeans and a bra. When he asked what I was doing, again, I realized I'd forgotten where I was up to.

Of course Josh's solution involves money - take the day off tomorrow, sleep late, then go get a massage. It's when he says things like that, that I feel farthest away from him. That's how you wind up staying up even later than you ever meant to, staring at the walls, sure you're forgetting something huge while watching the clock.

Quietly crazy

We didn't do the NYC Marathon. It's something like 26 miles. I think the most we've ever run is about ten miles. We just never got serious about training for it, and it's definitely not something where you can wing it. So maybe next year.

This girl in school has almost all the same classes as me. We're not friends. I think she's tried to make us friends, but I keep refusing. There's something off about her. Almost every single time we either interact or I see her talking to someone, that little warning bell goes off in my head, warning me to stay away.  It's not just the maniacal laugh, or the way she is very obvious about listening any time I'm on the phone with Josh.

Last week she complimented me on the shirt I was wearing. It was a black long-sleeve shirt. Then after that, she told me the top I'd worn the day before was also very flattering. That was also a black shirt. She then listed each top I'd worn all that week. It really freaked me out. It also freaked me out how she clearly wanted me to be impressed.

In bed last night I was telling Josh about her, and he said she sounds perfect for a Lifetime movie where she tries to kill me and then take over my life. She compliments things that aren't worthy of compliments. Like once someone complimented my necklace, and I responded "Thanks, it's my sisters," and she was like "Oh my god, that's so cute!"

I just want to put a lot of space between the two of us, but every time I turn around she's right there. At the same time she's so complimentary, I don't trust that it's pure. If I left a notebook somewhere, it wouldn't surprise me if she threw it out, but then pretended to help me look for it. And maybe I'm like, deciding she's awful when she hasn't thrown out anything, but everything about her screams distrust. I am wary.

In or on makes an assload of a difference

Alex's school called the other day. They said a boy (who Alex knows and is friends with) put his finger in her butt.

I said, "IN? Or on?"
They said in.
"Like, under her clothes?"
They said yes.
How are you supposed to respond to that? I mean where do you even start? So I asked to talk with Alex. They said she'd already left for the day. They were aware the boy is a Problem and were going to talk with the teachers and administration about how to keep them separated while they figured out details (there wasn't a teacher in the room when it happened).

Do they call the police? Does the boy get kicked out of school? I know Alex has been friends with him since she started school, and he's known for being kind of weird. Having boundary issues. His parents are super nice.

I didn't want to talk about this with Alex over the phone. I wanted to watch her face. I wanted to look at her eyes. So just called to make sure she was home. Work is so inconvenient sometimes. Of course I am totally grateful to have work, but not being able to go home immediately killed me. So I just told Alex I'd meet her at home.

When I got there Josh got pulled into the bathroom so I could tell him. He told me to ask Alex open-ended questions. To not freak out. (Too late.) So Josh started first by just asking how school was.

Turns out Alex got poked in the butt. Over her clothes. And the teachers freaked out. Alex didn't. She immediately yelled at her friend and moved away. He immediately apologized. I am so exhausted by all the stress of freaking out.

Start

I love everything the first day of school represents. First day outfits. New shoes. Extra special hair. Fancy first day breakfast. New classrooms. New people to make friends with. Mad dashes through Duane Reade for school supplies. Stocking up on paper bags to cover school books.

College starts before regular school. I don't get excited about it though until Labor Day. Before I go to bed tonight I will prep the creme brulee french toast for tomorrow morning. Outfits are picked out, even mine, even though tomorrow's not my first day. Lunches are made. A bag full of paper bags are stacked under the dining room table. You can buy book covers, but it's free to use paper bags, plus then you can decorate them your own way.

I love the dinner eaten after school is over. When you see what kind of homework is given, who's in which classes, which classes will be hardest to get to on time, what everyone was wearing, who bought their school supplies before school started. Can't. Wait.

Break

It turns out summer school is kind of awesome. The teachers (at least mine) are super nice and like impressed with you for taking summer classes, so they will bend over backwards to pack in all the material. The thing I hadn't realized was that there would be kids from other schools at summer school. They transfer their credits to their school. It totally hadn't occurred to me that people might do this. It's practically over, but I'm definitely going to take classes next summer.

I get like a week off between when summer school ends and the fall semester starts, but then right after school starts there's time off for Labor Day. I don't really want to do anything with that week off, even though it feels like I should. Alex has this summer reading list she has to do, but she finished it before the end of July so now she's decided to re-read her books just in case. Except now everyone else has started reading them and she's having a hard time finding them. She keeps bitching about how ridiculous it is that she has to go to different libraries to get them.

It's public school!

Alex goes to a public school. She has to pay for school supplies. She qualifies for free lunch. The end. Her school is having an auction two weeks from now. Apparently it's a Big Deal, and how the school raises over 60% of some portion of their budget. Alex has been coming home almost every day it seems, reminding me about the auction. Everyone is going. Everyone is bidding on stuff. Alex desperately wants to go. So go. Yeah, except apparently you have to buy tickets to attend the auction. Tickets that cost $40 each.

To which I say fuck that. So I'm supposed to spend, at minimum, almost $100 just to go to something and then you're supposed to spend even MORE money, competing against other people to see who can spend the most to get something probably worth half of what you spent? I don't understand this. Don't people go to public school because they can't afford rich, private school types of things?

Alex told me every single teacher asks every single kid if they're going. So this week when school starts back up again I am sending her with a note for her guidance counselor asking him to tell her teachers we can not afford tickets, and even if we had tickets we wouldn't be able to afford to bid on things, so we're not going, and to please stop hounding her about it. I am so over hearing about the damn auction.

Free as a caged bird

Alex decided to work herself up into a tizzy over the Nameless Cuttter, and last night she was up until 3 in the morning thinking about who it could be, what she could say and do to help them, what she should do if she sees evidence of it again ....

This morning she looked like crap, with dark circles under her eyes that didn't get there from me punching her. Josh whispered to me that Al should take the day off from life, and it seemed like a good idea. She's never really taken a mental health day before.

So I told her there was good news and bad news. The good? She didn't have to go to school today, and here's $20 to go to lunch or go see a movie or buy magazines or whatever. The bad? Have fun doing the breakfast dishes and cooking dinner for the rest of us tonight.

Overall Alex was happy with the deal, even though we emphasized she had a very small circle to travel in. She went back to sleep, did dishes, went for a walk, watched too much tv, took a bubble bath and very carefully, with several phone calls to me, made an excellent dinner for all of us. Oh, and that twenty bucks? She bought a hot chocolate and flowers, because "even though I am the one having a hard day, maybe flowers can keep you guys from having a day like this."

Tonight when Alex was going to bed, Dani asked if she felt more mentally healthy. Al gave her a shit-eating grin and agreed she was. Kind of thinking it's the best $20 I've spent in a long time.

It's like the headless horseman

Alex has a nameless cutter at school. While we were making dinner she told Danielle and me she found a box cutter and a bloody sink. For some reason, we kept referring to the person as The Nameless Cutter all night.

I've read enough girly magazines to know why people cut, but it's hard to really get why it's turned into a person's self and not outward. Alex has no idea who The Nameless Cutter is, and can't even guess. The dancers are the only ones who, in the winter, are showing their arms at school.

Danielle suggested that it could be a boy, who just used the girls' bathroom because boys usually aren't cutters. We brainstormed a bunch of different possibilities. It's really sad. Alex is determined to be extra nice at school tomorrow.

Why I'm a terrible sister

Alex is in a play at school. She had a rehearsal tonight and thought it would be "fun" for us to come watch her at school. Alex actually said to me specifically, "You especially should come to school Sammers, since you have none this week and need to be educated." Yes, and if I tip my head, all my knowledge will fall of my brain through my ear.

Josh was nice enough to come with me, though Danielle mumbled something about a test and studying so she was excused. We showed up a little after rehearsals started, slipped in, and sat in the back row. After five minutes of whispering while watching Al stand around on the stage doing nothing, I suggested we go walk around. So we did. It was boring. We left the school and walked around the city for an hour, popped into a cafe, and just hung out.

The timing worked out really well and we got back to the auditorium about five minutes before they wrapped up. Alex got the sheet the teacher was handing out before coming over to us. She asked what we thought. I told her it was interesting and asked how she liked her part. She chattered almost all the way home. Had no clue, poor thing.

Palle di ferro

Joe is a little mentally unstable. To put it lightly. I'm not really into psychology so don't know what's wrong with him, other than having some sort of like, misguided sense of himself and his place in the world. I stopped talking to him before last semester ended. It seemed like talking with Joe fueled ... something. Something that wasn't healthy.

I'm not one of those people who wants nothing to do with anyone who has any sort of problems or baggage. Jackie used to have a raging drug problem. My baggage weighs a metric shit ton. The distinction is knowing what your problems are, admitting they are there, and working to deal with them.

It's clear Joe means well. He genuinely thinks he's a nice guy. I bet he has no idea he's immature. He can be really funny. It's just that he can also be really insulting, and won't listen when someone tells him, "hey, your funny joke offended the hell out of me." Joe's logic that HE knows he doesn't mean anything bad about what he said is not good enough, but he refuses to believe that. Joe refuses to be open to the idea that communicating means taking into account talking with another person. Beyond frustrating.

Joe has been emailing me maybe every two weeks or so. Then today, I got another one. "been kinda worrying about you for a while now. is there a particular reason why you haven't said anything in so long? can't even remember if we had some sort of fight or whatever."

 Really? Really?!?! Okay, I'll spell it out for you: I haven't said anything to you in so long because you are fucking delusional and have no sense of where you stand with people! Never mind that I'm not interested in you because I'm in a committed relationship. Never mind that your bragging about the poetry you write to and about girls or love to be sleazy. No, the main problem is you do not respect boundaries. You don't respect social boundaries or verbal ones.

In the past I hadn't shown Josh the emails Joe was sending.  I showed him this one though, after I explained all the interactions Joe and I have had. Josh was not impressed. I have never been the kind of person to have anyone else fight my battles for me, but when Josh asked if I want him to come to campus to have a talk with Joe, it was really tempting to say yes. Maybe he'd listen to a guy over a girl.

Flu-ck

I have a flu. Got it Wednesday night. Maybe during the day, but when you're running around you don't always notice your throat hurting. There was a test in my math class that I really needed to take so I went to school yesterday. By around 2pm I was so done. I just wanted to collapse. Got soup and went to price a fancy calculator I need. Danielle already has one but we can't figure out a way to share - seems like such a waste of money.

By the time I got home it looked like I'd been punched in both eyes. Went to bed before 8pm. The bad thing about being sick is that you forget stupid things. Twice since Wednesday I've meant to go get cold medicine. Twice since Wednesday I've gone to the drugstore. Here are the types of things I meant to buy: tissues, ice pops, decongestant. Things I've bought: jelly beans, face wash. What the fluck is wrong with me?

All the rumors were untrue

This is what I was told about freshman year of college:

1. It would be MUCH harder than high school
2. I'd be lucky to only gain 15 pounds
3. You'll meet tons of fascinating people from all around the world

The reality last year was that while I did gain weight, it was because we had more access to food. It wasn't like my parents were finally not around to make me eat my vegetables and all of a sudden four bowls of cereal were scarfed daily.

The classwork didn't seem harder to me than high school. I don't know if that speaks poorly of my high school or my college, but it didn't. It may have taken me longer to do college homework, but I was going slower because it wasn't ever busy work and so was paying attention and learning stuff.

I haven't met tons of people. Becca and Jackie are both hilarious, but I am not quite sure they're fascinating, and they're both from New York.

So far this year, like since two weeks ago when school has started, I've lost weight. Sophomore year seems WAY harder than last year. About once a month or so I recommit to being in bed before midnight, but I haven't stopped doing homework before 2am yet. And yesterday I met the hottest Irish guy named Colin who flirted so much that I wanted to go home and put a poster of him up on my wall.

Shakespeare must have done a play like this

In one of my classes we have a group project. I got paired with a boy and a girl. The girl is 36 years old and makes a lot of jokes about being a spinster and crazy cat lady. She is a baker, like an unofficial baker but her job is to write about baking. She talks a lot about being single, getting married, having a boyfriend, dating, all that. Her intensity about it is a little ... intense. And scary.

The boy is my age. The girl likes him and flirts with him but he doesn't like her and I don't think he realizes she likes him. Today he asked if I'm seeing anyone and I told him yes but asked him not to tell the girl because I think it might upset her.

He asked if it's serious, with the person I'm seeing. Later, when he'd gone to ask the reference librarian for help finding a book we needed, some random girl at the next table leaned over and smiled at me. "You could screw him if you want. He's totally into you." I smiled back and said thanks. I don't know if she was right or not but I hope the girl in my group doesn't realize it.

Jealous

My sisters have school this week. I finished last week. So did Josh. They came home from school today and we were still in bed. Danielle got 'roid rage and screamed at us before stomping off to her room and slamming the door.

If you panic too much do you explode?

Finals start tomorrow. I've stuffed my brain with as much information as possible. Fish has been consumed extra times over the last week because supposedly it's brain food. I will be in bed by midnight. Okay, I will start getting ready for bed by midnight. Alarm is set. Cell phone alarm is set as backup. Clothes are laid out. Towel for shower is laid out.

Shit, academic scholarships cause way more stress than I ever realized.

Home teaching

So I was reading this blog the other day about how teachers are so busy with their own lives they barely have time to call student's homes, let alone visit them at home. Well. I think that's bullshit. If you care, you'll make the time. Both my sisters go to school in the Bronx. If Alex gets into the high school she wants, next year she'll get out, but the high school school Danielle wanted was in the Bronx so that's where she goes. Most of her teachers don't live in the Bronx. They live in Scarsdale or Brooklyn or somewhere.

Some of Dani's teachers called to check on her since she's missed so much school this month. Two of them came over to go through some work with her. One came last week and brought a pudding pie. One came over the weekend and brought her sons with her. Danielle is way behind in her work. She'd almost caught up after her swine flu before getting sick again. Except that Dani told me she didn't really understand what she'd done.

For most of last week Danielle put so much effort into being able to breathe that she couldn't concentrate on schoolwork at all. Yesterday was the first day she stayed up for the whole day without needing a nap. Today Danielle started making noise about going to school tomorrow. I told her she can go Wednesday.