Going wild and crazy

Don't worry, I'm not getting a tattoo. Or do worry, because I got my belly button pierced ages ago. I had three finals today. Told the diner I couldn't work yesterday so I could study. As long as I passed, I am officially done with school and I'm pretty sure I passed. Well I have to hand in a paper tomorrow but I finished that today. Teachers are trying to tell people to not cut classes but it's not going to happen.

The assistant principal walked by me in the hall yesterday and asked if he'd see me at graduation. "No, I'm working," I told him. He got a very weird look on his face and then told me if I stopped by the main office and wrote down my address he will personally drop off my diploma. I gave Josh's address.

Hector came up to me and asked if I would blow him. I was not paying attention and instead of saying no I asked why, and he said to relieve finals tension. I laughed and said no and he said "You wouldn't respect me if I didn't go for it, right?" and I was like, "I can't imagine any circumstances where I'd respect you." I am sure he found someone else.

Ages ago, like before Christmas I paid the $10 sitting fee to get my picture taken for the yearbook. This entire year the only thing I spent diner money on that was just for myself and not my sisters was for the yearbook. I am so happy to have this. I didn't go on the senior trip, I didn't go to after parties on prom night (I had to work the next morning), and I'm not going to graduation. Even though it was a lot of money I feel like this was totally worth it.

This weekend Josh's parents are throwing him a graduation party on a boat that goes around NY Harbor. You know what I'm giving Josh as a graduation present? A present somebody gave me, because I got a giftcard to a fancy restaurant. I am going to wear a dress and everything.

Pain and suffering

A bunch of us were joking around at school and this guy I'm friends with went to push me. As he stepped forward to get close enough to push me he stepped on my foot, and that's how I broke my toe. For like the first week it hurt so much by the end of school that I almost cried (okay, did cry twice) at having to go to work straight afterwards. After I'd get home from work I'd sit on the kitchen counter and soak my foot in the sink in cold water. So hurty. It's getting better a little bit now.

My friend Yulia has had a huge crush on this guy Manny for like six years. I don't get it. He's not smart or funny or hot or anything impressive. He is just totally average. He's not even that nice. The biggest thing he's got going is that he's friends with Hector, who is totally hot and popular.

Manny has been going out with this girl Lila for ... almost four years I think. She is this very sweet, very unhealthily skinny girl who makes high honor roll all the time. There are rumors he beats her up and tells her she's fat. Lila is in two of my smart-people classes. She is very quiet but any time I've talked to her she's been nice.

Like a month ago Yulia started hooking up with Manny. Working too many hours really cuts into my gossip-time and I just found this out over the weekend. Yulia told me today that Manny talked her into doing anal last week. I am grossed out even typing that. She said she didn't want to but she really likes him and doesn't want to stop doing all the other stuff so she did it. Big mistake but I asked what it feels like. Yulia said it's a really weird sensation of feeling like you're shitting backwards and it's way painful. So then I had to ask if she did it more than once.

This is what I don't get - Yulia said yes. Why would you do something that hurts? I mean, over and over, like after you tried it and discovered it hurts. I think I lost some respect for Yulia over this one.

Back to Basics

Dear Mama,

I heard today about somebody else's mom dying. Is it obnoxious that it never occurs to me that could happen to somebody else? Always surprised. I know it's definitely obnoxious that I think "but you're so much older than I was - you got so many more years than I did" for sure. You know what else is obnoxious? That I told a couple of people that Loser Girl paid money to blow Hector. She did not look happy today and didn't talk to anybody in class. I *tried* to warn her.

We are down to once a week shrinkings for me and Dani. Craig said to call him any time, but nobody ever means that when they say it, but it was nice of him anyway. Alex made banana bread herself tonight and it came out really good.

I am going to the prom with a very nice boy who you would like if you met. If you were alive you would say all sorts of deep things to me before prom that I can't think of without you.

We watched The Bachelor tonight and there is the coolest thing - a trampoline you can put in water! Like in a lake or something. How cool is that? I put it on my list of things I want to do in life.

I am going to get some banana bread and do more homework now. I love you and miss you and if you came back I promise I'd come up with more interesting things to tell you.

Love,
me

Negotiations

Hector pulled the ponytail holder out of my hair and held it out to me over my shoulder. Putting my feet up on the seat in front of me, I slid down in my chair and leaned my head back a little bit. If you sit in front of Hector and you're a girl, you should expect to have your hair played with all through class. Just like if you're a girl and you sit behind Drew, you should expect that he will give you a foot massage by pulling your leg forward and propping your heel on the edge of his seat.

"What's up with you and the ring-a-ding kid?" Hector whispered to me. I picked up my pen like I was taking notes, and that's what the teacher saw when he looked in our direction. "We're done," I responded, even though we're still talking, even though we're negotiating FWB. Hector was either tying multiple sections of my hair into knots, or attempting a french braid, but I couldn't tell which.

"We should hook up," he said. "Yeah, no." Hector yanked my hair, hard. "Sam, you're hot. We should." Is he nuts? And catch whatever he's got!?

He slid forward in his seat more, closer to me. "Afraid you won't be able to keep up, little girl?" Oh jesus. The loser next to us was listening intently. Not everyone wants an audience. "Thanks; I'll pass," I whispered. Feeling my hair, I tried to figure out what had happened, and how hard it'd be to fix before walking into the hallway.

"I'll give you $10," Hector suggested. Seriously? $10? Because I could buy... yeah fucking right. I snorted. Loser Girl frowned at me. She's fat, dumpy and has bad hair. Her cheeks are always bright red, and she's often seen near the front office, crying hysterically on the phone to her mother. Nobody wanted to be her lab partner and she cried. On the very first day of school Hector commanded her to move when she sat down in front of him, saying he wouldn't stare at her head all year. I turned around in my seat to look Hector in the eye. "I'm not fucking you for $10. I'm not doing anything with you."

He smiled like he didn't believe me. Tugging on my hair, Hector told me to turn back around. "I've got something going here." Loser Girl was straight out staring at us now, fascinated by the conversation. She leaned towards Hector. "I'll fuck you for $10."

Oh. My. God. Ohmygod. I looked around to see if anyone good was watching. Nelly was looking at me, and I threw my eyes towards Loser Girl, then back to Nelly. Hector shook his head at Loser Girl. "I wouldn't do you for $5. But if you give me $10 I'll let you blow me."

Esssteeedeees. I tore off the corner of my page and handed it to Loser Girl. She looked at my note, frowned, then turned towards us. "Okay!" she said to Hector. I rolled my eyes at Nelly.

After the bell rang, Hector practically ran for the door, Loser Girl following. One of the teachers called out to Hector, "Where are you going in such a rush?"

He smiled as he walked backwards and answered. "My new part-time job!" "Good for you, Hector." Teachers are so retarded.

State of the Relationship Conversation

Sitting on the floor doing homework, Hector sits down next to me.

So. Wearing a skirt today, huh?
Yeah.
(Running his hand up my leg.) Smmoooooooth.
Thanks Carlos. Now stop feeling up my thigh.
Sooooo... how are you and Josh?
Good, how are you and Lyssa?
Yeah we're tight. So how long have you been going out? Like a long time, right?
Well, we broke up in the middle for a while, but yeah.
Mmmm hmmm. And are you upset?
No. About what?
That his name isn't Jeremy.
No, I'm fine with his name being Josh.
You should be like Rachel on Friends, and make everyone call him Josh-u-a.
I'll consider it.
You really should.
Thanks for the tip, I will.
Maybe you could even be on a break.
That was with Ross. Anyway if we were on a break, I wouldn't be calling him anything.
Whatever. Consider it. What are you giving him for Christmas?
Umm... he's jewish. I gave him two things for his iPod and he had asked me to cook him something so I did that too.
That's it?
Yeah. Money was tight.
That's what sexual favors are for.
I thought that went without saying.
No, that's the most important part to say.
My bad, consider it said.
Say it.
Uhhh .... I gave Josh sexual favors for hanukah?
(Slaps my leg hard.) Yeah ya did!
Okay then.
See ya, Sam.

The entire time this conversation was taking place, Hector was playing with his hat, looking through my bag, and flirting with other random girls walking by.

Forget Hector

Ma,

That boy Hector I told you about? Forget him. He treats girls like shit. He called this girl a bitch and pushed her really hard against a wall. I threw out the lollipops that were still left. Alex got mad at me because she wanted them but I told her I'll get her new ones.

Oh and I finished reading Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. It was good. So good that I already read his next book after that, which was Dry.

I'm sad. Obviously Hector treats girls horribly and I should have nothing to do with him. But that kiss was good. I liked him.

Love,
Sam

Not Just Heavy Stuff

Hi Ma,

I feel like because you're dead, and because I didn't talk to you for so long, that now that I am, it has to be all big and important things. But all the big important things happened in 2001, in September. Maybe not all on the 11th, but that week. And I feel like you know those. You know Nana died from the grief. Did you know she told us she was going to? I feel like you know the fire department is still keeping their word, that we'd always have a family with them. We do. Once a week Dani and Alex and I go to one of their houses for dinner. They rotate us, like joint custody within a fire department or something. They rotate who gets us birthday and Christmas presents. I feel like you know they give us each money for school supplies every September.

I have small little things to tell you though. If you were alive, you'd know them. I'd tell you late at night after I was supposed to be in bed, interrupting your me-time of watching a Lifetime movie or something. You used to get so angry at me for interrupting. You said that time was sacred, and you needed time without hearing little girl voices before going to bed. But you always let me stay on the couch with you, and I'd lay with my head in your lap so you could play with my hair and we'd talk in the commercials.

I taught Alex to do a back handspring and a front tuck. Now all three of us can do them. It looks really cool. I got a pair of Chucks. Remember my friend Serena who you always said was such a nice girl? Serena turned into a slut. Now everyone calls her Sleasena. I am reading the book Running With Scissors right now. It's good, and after I finish it I want to see the movie. Since you died, I've started liking chicken. I learned how to use a George Foreman Grill, and taught Dani too. I might make Honor Roll this quarter. A boy named Hector brought me a bouquet of lollipops tied with a ribbon last week. He stuck his hands in the front pockets of my jeans and pulled me close and I said thank you for the suckers and then kissed him. It was the first time I kissed a boy with a tongue ring, and I felt it through my whole body. It was the first time I moved in to kiss first. I'll let you know what happens with him.

Love,
Me