Back and Forth

As always the tv is on. Some reality tv show where cameras are in an emergency room in the South Bronx, here. We watch the sirens on tv and listen to them outside at the same time. There was a fancy rice on sale over the weekend so we got it and Alex followed the directions tonight and we ate it and it was good.

My nightlight was a purple pig and it got turned on before the big light got turned off. The door was left open the width of a hand sideways. You'd think I wouldn't have been able to fall asleep hearing the noise down the hallway, but the laughter and talks lulled me to sleep every time.

Dani is the future doctor who can't stand the sight of blood. The tv show has a guy whose cheek got sliced open in a fight, and she freaks out. There's only a tiny bit of fancy rice left, in a faux Tupperware for whoever gets to it first tomorrow.

The door creaked open and a body stands in the doorway, blocking most of the light from the hallway. I pretend to be asleep, but am excited to smell the leather jacket combined with Eternity. Because it only means one thing - Topher. I roll onto my belly and wait.

Alex doesn't cry anymore when it's her night to cook dinner. She begs us to stay in the kitchen and keep her company, talk with her. It's a trick - she just hopes we'll wind up helping her. Sneaky little shit.

Topher grabs the covers near my feet and throws them up in the air, letting them settle without wrinkles. He sits down next to me and rubs my back while we talk. My grandma, who I spent the most time with in those days, always talked to me like a little kid. But not Topher. He would tell me all his grownup stuff. Things involving changing the oil on his friend's car, liking a girl who was flirting with someone else, how many donuts he ate that day.

Aunt Elaine always bitches about our dinners - she has since we got here and tried to explain what we eat. I'm surprised her eyes havent' fallen out of her head from all the heavy duty rolling. She eats whatever we make and also has a snack while dinner is being cooked. And after. And into the night. And bitches at us about how we cost her way too much money in food.

When I was first learning to read, Topher would draw letters on my back with his finger for me to guess. When I got better he promoted me to words. Sometimes Topher would come over just to say good night to me. I felt special and even now if somebody rubs my back it relaxes me really fast and puts me to sleep.

When Dani passed a pair of shoes down to Alex and she got bad blisters, Al came complaining. Danielle sat down today after school to inspect, and pronounced blisters, but wouldn't fix. That was my job. Alex sat on the bathroom counter while I fixed her foot up, trying on all my lipsticks.

During summers Topher would come in late at night and whisper to me. "Did you already brush your teeth?" The right answer was no. Saying yes would just get me a kiss with a "Good girl" and he'd go back out. Saying no meant a piggyback ride out to the front stoop, where italian ices would be passed around and the big girls would french braid my hair and tell me how cute I was.

Tonight Alex asked me when she can have her own lipstick. I don't know. Maybe next time I have extra money I'll get her flavored lip gloss once the summer starts. Sixth grade is totally old enough. Besides, I don't want her stealing mine.

My mom would stand in the door and pretend to be angry that I was up and out of bed so late at night. But it was an act; like she was just following the mom manual. "Five more minutes and then back to bed," she'd say frowning. But she wouldn't come back for twenty minutes. Later, when Topher had tucked me back in, my mother would come check on me, compliment my hair and ask if I had fun with the big kids. And I always did.

Writing the Right Way Is Too Hard Late At Night

Sorry. I know you've said you like it better when I do the fancy writing but you have no idea how much that takes out of the little I have left by the time I sit down to do this.

Josh and I are still hanging out. A lot. Sometimes he waits for me after work and then we go to someone's house. Mostly his, because there's no privacy at mine. And nobody calls me a slut at his house. And his house has more food.

Josh's mom had a huge bowl of white peaches on the kitchen counter today. Josh and I each ate one over the sink and agreed they're really good. When I was leaving his mom handed me a paper bag with three more, and a ziplock of cherries. Can't give food away like that in my house.

The Cruelest Illness

Alex is still sick. Normally being sick means laying on the couch and watching lots of tv. Alex has been SO sick that she has missed both the season finale of Dancing with the Stars AND of American Idol. She is so angry at herself.

If Alex is still sick by Saturday we will go to the walk-in clinic in the morning. No matter how she feels school is happening on Friday. Al has three tests and I know her teacher will be a bitch and not give her makeups if she is out sick and doesn't take them.

Poor Ali-kinz

Alex is sick. She's all fever and throwup. It started Friday night and she's still sick. No school today. Not sending her tomorrow.

Aunt Elaine is not happy, even though Alex just stays in bed all the time with the trash can next to her to throw up into.

Tonight after work I made Alex a bubble bath. While she was in it I changed her sheets and remade her bed. Alex gets out of the bath, puts on a fresh shirt, and an hour later it was soaked with sweat.

Poor Al.

Morning After?

Girlie help request.

I want to get the morning after pill. Prescription, right? Can I go to my walk-in clinic for this?

Just wanted to be clear: I didn't need a morning after pill. Just want to have it in case I need it at some point. Thank you.

Even Drug Dealers Have Mothers

I'll fuck you. My eyes whip up to look at everyone, to see who's about to laugh at me first. Oh wait. I didn't say that, just thought it. But then... who did? We all start laughing at Deanna. Except I'm laughing with relief that I didn't say it. Even though I would, maybe. I don't know.

Chris, my drug-dealer prom date, smirks at Deanna. Thanks, but I'll pass. A penguin would be better than you. Whoa. And that's why you should never proposition your ex-boyfriend's best friend after you cheated on him with the guy he hates more than everyone else. Because he will diss you in a crowd of seniors, and everyone will laugh.

Everyone waits for me to finish work, and we walk out, going nowhere. I am next to this girl Mayra, who is telling me about applying to colleges. She tells me where she's going next fall, and I promptly forget, instead focusing on Chris. I can't hear what he's saying, but the two seniors he's saying it to turn around and look at me.

I realize if I leave now, they'll all talk about me. But this is my train. We hang out talking at the top of the stairs, getting dirty looks from commuters rushing home. Chris asks if I want to come over to hang out. YESSSSS. Alex can make Aunt Elaine quiz her in the commercials.

Chris unlocks the door and then steps back for me to go in first. I walk across the hall to where jackets are hung on hooks and dump my bookbag on the floor, kicking off my shoes. Grabbing the back of my shirt, Chris pulls me towards the kitchen. His mother is sitting on the counter talking on the phone. She waves at me so I smile and wave back. I hate mothers.

Chills go through my body from the open freezer door while Chris is looking for something to eat. Even though we just came from the diner. The mom pushes Chris aside and hands him a carton of ice cream from the corner of the freezer. He kisses her head, and gestures to me to follow as he walks out of the kitchen. I hear fingers snap behind me and turn around. The mom is holding out two spoons to me and smiling while she listens to her phone. I mouth thank you and take them. She is so nice.

As we walk down the hall to his bedroom, Chris stops short so I bump into him, and then keeps walking, laughing. I put the spoons down on the desk, on top of forms from St. Johns. Chris turns me around. I got a basketball scholarship. I congratulate him and ask how tall he is. 5'11". Lighting the tall Jesus candles lining his windowsill, Chris tells me about his college.

Impending Crash

I guess I got some insomnia last night. I have been up since 2:30 am, totally wired. Is it possible I accidentally did some speed and don't know it?

Tired and wide awake all rolled into one.

So glad I have shrinking today after school instead of work. Let's place bets on which period I'll sleep through in school. My money is on fourth.

Being FWB Is Harder Than I Thought

Maybe I'm not cut out for it? Maybe it only works with people you never loved? I don't know but something is not working for me.

Dinner

We have this rotating schedule of whose house we go to each Sunday night. At least one of the people there is, or was, a firefighter. That's the only constant.

I think some people think they HAVE to play the role of parent. Even though we're connected to the fire department through Topher, nobody ever acts like an older brother. Always a parent.

The dinners I like best are the ones where they just talk regularly to us. Because some people are over-nice and talk to us like at any moment we might burst into tears. They tiptoe around anything that has to do with death or fires or mothers or anything. This is mean but it gets tiring reassuring people all the time.

Then there are other people who decide we lack structure and decide to teach us manners. No matter what we do or how nicely we behave, they will always make us feel like we're wild and one second away from blowing up. We could be all please and thank you and napkins in lap and no elbows on the table and no talking with food in our mouths and they'll still tell Danielle to sit up straight.

I like the people who've known Topher and us for a long time. Who just let us be, who teach us blackjack before dinner, who let Alex cut things with sharp knives, show us pictures of them from high school, and just ... make us feel like we're at home. Instead of making us feel like we can't wait to get back home.

I like the Italians best, even though it's wrong to say that. Where we walk in and it smells like our grandma's house, where everyone is loud and yelling and we're encouraged to be loud and yell also. Not like going to Irish people's homes, where they want us to drink milk with dinner and push us to go to church.

Tonight Alex helped make chicken parm, real garlic bread, salad, and homemade ice cream. She had a birthday party in the afternoon that was nearby the fire family for tonight, so they picked her up from the party and Dani and I went over later.

On the way to the train home, Alex said it dinner was really easy to make and asked me to buy chicken so she can make it again. We aren't going to do homemade ice cream obviously, but maybe we can get italian ices instead if I can save enough.

Eyes

You know how on The Hills, LC is always giving everyone meaningful looks? It always seems like such crap like they don't have enough dialog to fill that scene so she or Audrina just look at people to suck up time.

There was a lot of looking going on tonight.

Miley: Much Ado About Nothing

I bet you'll never guess what we're reading in English...

So in the olden days, people used to go skinny dipping in lakes and ponds and stuff. Then it was innocent fun. Now you give one blowjob in a hot tub and it's all sordid and shit. Okay I'm kidding (sort of). My point is that people totally blow everything out of proportion.

Seriously though, Miley Cyrus is FINE. She didn't pose naked. She didn't even really pose topless. I mean, obviously she wasn't wearing a top but still. Nobody saw nipple.

I don't understand what the big deal is. It's so obviously photoshopped anyway - I mean just look at her lips. Plus, it's not like she was posing drunk for Joe Francis. This is Vanity Fair and Annie Leibovitz for heavens sake! Hell, I'd pose topless if Annie Leibovitz asked me to.

Miley's "apology" is pathetic. “I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed. I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about." If she was getting a good reaction from the public, I am sure she wouldn't be "so embarrassed." The only thing she never intended to happen was to get a bad reaction and be worried about losing her job.

I don't understand why parents don't know how to explain this to their children. Maybe they're dumb. Why did Miley pose without a shirt? Because she wanted to, and she got paid a lot of money to do it. The end. Why is that so hard to explain? Also, why are parents complaining about this because they spent $500 on Hannah Montana tickets? Now you KNOW they're dumb. My mom never would have spent that much money on a concert!

I saw an article where somebody says that now that kids have seen Miley pose topless, the kids will think it's okay to do. Maybe their kids are dumb also. How come people don't teach their kids that like ... famous people get away with doing things regular people can't do. They don't have regular consequences. Is the Brooklyn Bridge quote only used in New York? Maybe we could like rent it out to other states so people all over the country can use it.

Also, why are people freaking out about preteen girls seeing this? For all of Alex's magazine and catalog collecting, she has never once wanted Vanity Fair (and that's not just because it costs money). How many little kids are reading Vanity Fair?

People are fucking lame. This is not a big deal.