Welcome to New York. Now get outta my way.

There are all these stereotypes about New York that aren't true. Like that it's dangerous. It's not. Use a little common sense and a little streets smarts and you'll be fine. You're more likely to be given shit if you are white and cross the street when you see a group of black men than if you just stayed on the same side of the street they're walking down. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know not to put your bags on the ground and turn away from them. I can't even tell you how many times I've walked by tourists, scooped up their bag, then held it up in front of them saying "Welcome to Manhattan. Keep a better eye on your stuff." Their jaws always drop. Seriously this happens like once a week.

Like that everyone is mean here. We're not. Someone told me in other parts of the country, if you're walking up or down subway steps with a stroller, nobody will help you carry it. I can't imagine how anyone could be that rude. In New York, everyone around you will reach out to help carry it. This morning while a guy yelled at one of his kids not to run off he completely forgot about his other kid and I had to yank her back as she stepped off the curb. We will pick up the shit you dropped, turn you around to face the direction you need to go in when we overhear you saying "So I think we just walk six blocks this way to get to American Girl."

Like that everyone is out to kidnap your kid. We're not. We don't care about your fucking kid. All the citizens of New York are not your personal tour guide. Do not turn to me in front of your kid and ask me to tell you "a little something about this here building we're standing in front of." It's a building. That's all I know. That's all I need to know, unless I can cut through it to get somewhere else.

Here is the thing about New Yorkers. We are jaded as all hell. And we are in a rush. Why? Because we have to beat all the other people going there, so we don't have to wait behind them. That's why everyone says New York moves so fast. We're trying to get ahead of everyone else. We will totally body slam you out of the way if you stop in the middle of the sidewalk to gaze up in wonderment at the tall buildings.

People say being nice doesn't take extra time. That's not true. It totally does. It's much faster for me to deal by saying "'scuse me" as I gently bump you out of my way, than to stop and explain that if you could please be so kind as to step aside, I'd like to get by and thanks and have a great day and enjoy your stay in Manhattan. Fuck that. I'm not a fucking tour guide.

If you're going to be rude enough to interrupt me to ask for directions, say please when you ask and thank you when I answer. Otherwise, you are ruining it for the next round of tourists who will ask me directions next week, because I lump you all together and will send them to Harlem when they ask how to get to South Street Seaport.

So if you are visiting New York City, here are a few tips for you:

1. Do not put any of your things down. This also means do not leave any of your things and walk away from them (diners in restaurants, I am talking to you).
2. When you are crossing the street, do not stop or go back. Just walk. Fast.
3. Do not ask girl cops for directions. They don't like to give them.
4. If you are asking a vendor for directions, buy something from them first. Things will go better for you if you do.
5. Do not stand there after you've paid and try to get me to agree that wow, things surely are super duper expensive out here in New! York! City! I live here. I know exactly how expensive it is here. Commenting about it will not get street vendors to lower the price.
6. Ray's is decent pizza. Don't call it hole-in-the-wall.
7. Do not get stuck in front of turnstiles. Watch other people going through so you will know how when it's your turn. If you are too dumb to figure it out, you must leave immediately and go back to North Dakota.
8. Do not split up from your group and agree to meet at some huge landmark. You will NEVER find Bobby Joe if you plan to meet him at "Penn Station." Penn Station takes up like an entire city block. Pick one of the restaurants in or near Penn Station, or agree to meet under the LIRR board or something. Same goes for Grand Central and especially for the tree at Rockerfeller Center.
9. Do your damn research, and be prepared. Don't get onto the bus and first ask how much it costs. There was this cool invention over a decade ago called the internet. Use it.
10. Thank you. Now go back home. Yes I know you are good for tourism and all that and without you blah blah blah but holy shit you are so annoying. Just move faster, say less, and think a little bit!