Mom,
If you were alive I would tell you that should you come home and find that I died of my head exploding, or of a heart attack, you should immediately sue Aunt Elaine. It would be all her fault, what with how crazy she is driving me.
Can we just review please? I'm pretty sure I would have noticed, but did I give birth when I wasn't looking? Have there been any immaculate conceptions in the last hundred years or so? Is 15 the new 21? Do I still count as a kid?
See because, I thought that Aunt Elaine was supposed to take care of us. I thought in exchange for Aunt Elaine getting to claim three kids on her taxes, she is supposed to do motherly things for us. Us, meaning me too. I thought she was supposed to do more than let the three of us share one bedroom, while reminding us of how she gave up her spare room and we should feel grateful for it.
I thought she's supposed to do more than buy food for us to eat (like cook it), and sign papers we need signed for school things. I thought she would like ... mother us. Not like you did, but still. I thought she'd take us to the doctor, not tell us to go by ourselves. I thought she'd come to stuff. I'm not saying every gymnastics meet or volleyball tournament, but Award Night twice a year would be nice. I thought she'd do stuff for us. Like cook us dinner, and maybe make our lunch if we are running late and maybe soup when we're sick. I thought she'd do our laundry. Okay at least help us.
I thought she'd like ... make me feel good. Not make me worry about her noticing me and picking on me. Not make me feel like shit when I don't fit into my jeans anymore even though I grew two inches. Not tell me I'm inconsiderate when I ironed for three hours last night, because I never asked if she needed anything ironed. Why am I the one who's supposed to be ironing all of Dani and Alex's clothing? Why isn't she doing it?
How come when Alex needs something all Aunt Elaine ever says is "Ask your sister"? I don't know the answers to everything! What if I'm royally screwing Alex up? The time the nails were coming out of that metal strip that goes over where the carpeting ends and it went through Dani's knee? How come I had to take her to the doctor? How come she had to sit in my lap for her tetnus shot?
Aunt Elaine won't even do little things for us. I had to ask a fire family for help with sewing a patch on my jeans so I could give them to Dani. I had to ask Alex's teacher how to make soup once, right after we'd first moved here and Alex was too sick for school. This isn't supposed to be my job. I'm so in over my head and I'm going to screw up if I haven't already.
This isn't fair. I want a fucking vacation. I want to go to a rave and sleep at a friend's house afterwards. I want to go on a Spring Break trip next year. I want to hang with friends after school and not have to get home to make dinner for Alex and Dani. I want
I just want to be left alone. And only responsible for me. And not even that sometimes.
Love,
Sam
1 comment:
You carry a lot of weight for a 15 year old. On behalf of your sisters, thanks for not quitting on them. You only have each other, and they need you now, perhaps more than you need them.
I can't imagine the stress on you, but you're doing all the right things. You're working hard to be helpful. You're trying to play by Aunt Elaine's rules, which, for now, you have to follow.
When you can (as I see from the next post) remember to take time for yourself (besides therapy). It doesn't have to be an entire night. Sometimes an hour or two with a friend (or even alone at the library) can be enough to recharge you for a week.
Keep at it. We're all praying for you.
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