Holy Crap!

Mama,

I have a boyfriend! I wasn't sure at first, but Josh introduced me to some guy his dad works with as, "Sam, my girlfriend" so now I know. I have a boyfriend, I have a boyfriend! Ahem.

Alex refers to him as Josh Squash B'Gosh. As in Osh Kosh B'Gosh. Josh is jewish, and today when I was at his house his mom said, "Sam if you don't have any plans for Passover, we'd love for you to join us." So I called the only jewish fire family and totally panicked and now she is taking me into the city tomorrow to find some appropriate clothes for a Passover. I hope there are good things on sale.

Alex and Dani are mad at me for not getting them invited too, but I just can't. I tried to explain that when you get invited to something you can't ask if you can bring two extra people but they didn't want to hear it. They just don't want to be stuck with Aunt Elaine by themselves. I don't blame them.

If you hang out with any jewish people in heaven please ask them what I'm supposed to wear for Passover. All I know is jeans and a sweater or a jeans skirt and a sweater is not dressed up enough. Josh said "more dressed up than for a date, less dressed up than for a wedding." Which leaves a lot to the imagination. He also said to eat a light lunch, because there's a LOT of food and a LOT of wine.

I am kind of nervous. I will remember to say please and thank you and offer to help.

Please wish me good luck,
Sam

Most. Awesome. Day. Ever.

Ma,

May I just say, holy shit. Because listen to how freaking awesome my weekend has been.

A couple of weeks ago a teacher gave me a $10 gift certificate to the Gap. I hadn't bothered going shopping because the Gap is always so expensive I figured $10 wouldn't buy me anything at all. Oh, how wrong I was! Gap Body had underwear on sale for $1.99 each and I got four pairs of those boyshort cut ones and it was only $8.46 or something. I gave the rest of the card to Dani to use.

Last night I went to a party thrown by Makesha, who is in my English class and a friend of Heather's. Josh was there too and after a few drinks we totally made out for a long time. I didn't get home until like 2:30 a.m. SUCH a good time. Even when I got a really weird compliment it was funny. "I used to think everyone was just nice to you because of your 9/11 thing, but you're actually cool aside from that." Josh walked me home. I don't know if we're going out now or it was just for last night or what. But I had so much fun I don't care.

Then, this morning I was woken up by Alex bringing me pancakes and fruit in bed. When I looked at the clock it was 1:15 p.m. but she claims she woke me up a little earlier to ask a cooking question - I don't remember that. Mama, her pancakes were so cute - she used cookie cutters to make all these shapes and used fruit to make funny faces and designs and stuff. I really loved her a lot for brunch today - so much that I cleaned up the kitchen for her.

Lastly, today's fire family called and said they were in the city seeing relatives and I thought they were going to cancel dinner. But instead the wife asked if we wanted to meet them in Chinatown for dinner and then go to Little Italy for dessert. I haven't been to Chinatown since like sixth grade! They brought some of their extra family to dinner and all the other kids were in college and junior high and I thought I'd get stuck with the little kids but I didn't.

So it worked out perfectly for all of us - Alex and I felt the same - we both had so much fun with the older kids in like our respective groups (she was the youngest one there), and Danielle liked just being in the group of junior high kids. All the college kids were asking me where I think I want to go and I was like, "I'm only in 10th grade!" and they were like, "So?" Aside from going to a SUNY school because it'll be kind of inexpensive, I don't know where to go. I've heard good things about Geneseo but I'm such a hardcore city girl that the culture shock of being in some small farm town with one traffic light might kill me. But they were really nice and totally encouraging of college, and one girl and two boys gave me contact info if I want to meet up to talk about where to apply or anything like that. It was so weird - they talked to me like it was a total given that I'd go to college.

We stopped at a bakery because the husband guy wanted to bring stuff home. We were waiting outside for him and then they drove us home, and as we were getting out he gave Dani something. We opened it as soon as we got inside and it was a box full of rainbow cookies from the Italian bakery!!

I am going to bed now because nothing else can make today any better and I don't want to wait around for anything bad to happen to change how good today was.

Love,
Sam

Anger: Not So Easily Managed

Mama,

I am not doing well at all. I quit track a while ago, because I didn't like it and it costs too much and I didn't like the other girls and it's too much time and Aunt Elaine gave me a lot of shit for being out of the house so much. Which means the one thing that was supposed to be an outlet for anger isn't there anymore.

We still don't have beds and are sleeping on the floor. It is winter. I am cold. Heat rises. You see my problem?

Aunt Elaine thinks because she was in the hospital, we should be even better behaved, do more, be quieter, take up less space, and in general, try not to exist at all. I had about a week and a half of tiptoeing around her in me, and that time has passed. I am a person. I have stuff. I need to make noise. I need to use things (like bowls and spoons). I need food and conditioner and paper. And I can not keep trying to need less and less when the truth is I really need so much more than the little I have.

Apparently it is somehow my fault that Alex and Danielle also need all the same things I need, even though really that's all your fault since you're the one that created them. It is not possible for the three of us to be totally silent any time we're at home. It's just not. It's not reasonable, it's not practical, and it's not going to happen. And the more Aunt Elaine tells us to be quiet, the more we're going to keep talking.

You just can't expect three girls to be quiet all the time. And even if we don't talk, we're still going to make noise. Basically, Aunt Elaine wants us to be statues. Don't talk, don't move, don't make noise, don't use up food or make any messes, don't cost money. I think she is just done with us. Which doesn't bother me because I've been done with her since we got here and she said to me, "I'm not a kid person; it'll be up to you to watch your sisters and keep them in line."

We got in a huge fight last night because Craig brought me girly books. I'd asked him a couple of months ago if there were good ones and he said he'd look into it and get back to me. So yesterday he called and said he could drop them off and without asking I said he could. So all three of us went downstairs to wait for him and he brought the girly books and when Aunt Elaine saw us come back in with more stuff she went batshit crazy.

She screamed at me about how we already have way too much stuff and our room is already so messy and the last thing we need is more crap. I just stared at her and made dinner and said nothing. I am terrified that when I come home from school she will have thrown all our stuff out. I keep so much in my locker already, it's retarded.

I hate everyone.

Love,
Sam

Best. Weekend. Ever

Mama,

Alex has this book program in her class that's a contest. I just found out she's been getting awards and stuff for her reading. Alex wants to be a "professional reader" when she grows up. Anyway, she's won gift certificates to movie theatres but just told me that on Friday. So she gave three to us and we went to see The Namesake - it was really good. I think if we were Indian (dot, not feather) we'd have understood and liked it that much more. Then we walked around for a while because we didn't feel like going home.

Today I went out to Long Island with the gay kid, Sebastian. We dumped Alex and Danielle at a library nearby and drove around for a few hours and hit the beach. Which was freezing. But it was a lot of fun anyway. I liked having so much space around and not feeling so closed in. It was great.

Then we kind of lost track of time and were late getting back so Sebastian was driving really fast. We got home just in time to wash our hands and be ready for our fire family dinner.

They have a study in the back of the house and two entire walls are covered floor to ceiling with books. I came home with four. The husband is REALLY into movies and film-making and he has a lot of books that are the screenplays of movies. The wife let me go through all her makeup and pick out a nail-polish and she did my nails. I chose this dark blood red. Alex said it looks angry. I like it.

Love,
Sam

Friends

Hi Ma,

Today I was talking with Eleni and Christina and they both want me to do something to get back at Stefan. They want to see if I can still put a boy into the hospital. When that fight stop following me around already? I think I'm going to let it die. People just want to see me fight, and be involved in drama. Not me. Craig said that's the mature way to go.

It's hard to make friends with the smart kids. Firstly because they know me as being a retard in track three classes. Secondly because I kind of hate making new friends since eventually it'll be my turn to invite people over, and I can't ever do that and I feel bad not being fair. Thirdly because my old friends are not cool with me having new friends.

People STILL will come up to me and say "what are you doing in my geography class?" like they think I got lost in there or something. Every time we get tests back I try to hide mine so nobody sees and asks how I cheated to get a decent grade.

Somebody should tell Aunt Elaine she has to let us have friends over. The entire time we've lived here she's never let us have anybody come here. Not even on birthdays. It's retarded. She really hates kids. Even the two years this girl Jenna at my school lived here and we walked to school together - she had to meet me in the hallway; she was never allowed to come in. You can't always sleep over at somebody else's house and never invite them back.

Today this gay kid in my english class came up to me and asked if I wanted to see pictures. He gave me this stack of pictures of him and his dogs at the beach. In one of the pictures he looks like Nick Lachey. I told him, and he was really happy, and said it was because of his hat. Whatever the reason - he looked hot. He asked if I want to come with him, he's going again on Sunday. I think he goes way out - like to Long Island or something. I don't know about leaving Alex and Dani for so many hours. I told him I want to, but I have to check and let him know. He has a boyfriend who's a senior that I don't know.

Love,
Sam

Boys Suck

Ma,

I went to school today after all. Stefan saw me in the hallway and yelled in front of everybody, "Nice shirt - did your parents buy it for ya?" What. A. Prick. A few people looked at me to see what I was going to say. I felt like everybody was looking. It was HORRIBLE. As I walked by him, really quietly I said "Cheap shot" but he said "Cheap shot for a cheap girl" in return, so that was useless. Fucker.

Sam

Free

Mama,

They released Aunt Elaine today. All her tests came back negative. No stroke, just stroke-like symptoms. There's no way to check if it was for sure seizures, because epilepsy doesn't work that way. A psychiatrist gave her Zoloft and said the whole thing is depression related. I'm not sure I understand that. She is supposed to call her regular doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist.

I called and canceled our fire family dinner tonight, just saying Aunt Elaine is sick. I am worried about leaving her home alone tomorrow. She said we did a good job without her. We cleaned the whole apartment and I cleaned out the fridge too. I changed all the clocks and did all the laundry and everything. I am exhausted. Maybe I won't go to school tomorrow.

Danielle said we should take turns staying home with Aunt Elaine, even though she said none of us need to miss school for her. I am too tired to write anymore.

Love,
Sam

Hypothetically Speaking

Mommy,

Hypothetically Aunt Elaine is in the hospital. Yesterday when I came home from school she was just sitting there and didn't respond to me and she couldn't move. She looked like she'd had a seizure or something and when I looked at her pills she hadn't taken any since Wednesday night. So she probably did have a seizure or two or three.

I sort of feel like I made a mistake then because I called the doctor's office, which was closed. I left a message and then talked to the doctor on call, and he said to call 911 so I did. I feel bad that I wasted time trying to kind of snap Aunt Elaine out of it, and then calling the answering service. When the EMT people came they said they thought it might be a stroke and Dani told them I didn't call right away. But the guy said that because we didn't know if Aunt Elaine got like this five minutes before we got home or five hours before, the hospital wouldn't bother doing stuff that's only good in the first 3-6 hours, so the time I spent calling the doctor isn't a big deal.

So last night they did a cat scan and this morning they did an ultrasound and an MRI and something else I forgot. Oh an echo-cardiogram. They ruled out it being a big stroke but I asked and that does NOT mean they ruled out it being a small stroke. Aunt Elaine is better but still not quite right. She can't talk as fast as she wants, and can't think of the words she wants to use.

I called Craig last night because I felt in over my head. He said he's like a mandated reporter and has to report if he knows of kids being neglected and if I were to tell him there was no adult home with us overnight he'd have to call and we'd get taken to foster home and he couldn't guarantee that we'd stay all together. Which I kind of knew. He asked if we were okay and if there was food at home. I'm not sure I'm okay but I told him I am but I'm scared. He said he was going to hang up and pretend we never had this conversation and if I felt like I needed help I should just call him back, otherwise he'd see me for our regular shrinking. Danielle and Alex and I agreed we're okay and we're not going to tell anybody and will just go to school and home and the hospital and not get in any trouble. And then Danielle said "and Al, you can't use any sharp knives either."

So this morning I took Alex to school because she's better with routine and they won't let her in the hospital anyway and I can't leave her alone in the lobby with all the scuzzy people there. Danielle wanted to stay home so we both did. We are fine. I am kind of scared. I told the hospital people our parents were picking us up and we were supposed to go wait in the lobby last night. And today we just walked out.

The hospital has all these rules - that you have to be 16, when visiting hours are, but when it comes down to it, nobody does anything. I'm scared they'll find out we're home alone and call PINS or CPS or whatever on us.

There is more but I'm really tired. I couldn't sleep last night. Tomorrow Danielle and I are going to school - we both have tests. The hospital people didn't say anything about when Aunt Elaine can get released. I researched strokes a little and there are some that people bounce back from but some are really big and people have to go to live at rehab places. Aunt Elaine needs to have the first kind.

Tired.
Love,
Samantha

Ahava

Mama,

Remember your Ahava lotion from Israel? I took it when we had to move, because it smells like you. I only use a tiny bit and not every day. It's almost used up. I can save my money and buy a new one but the problem is they changed it a little bit and it doesn't smell exactly the same. I wish they'd kept it the same. Or that you'd used something that nobody decided to change. I am not happy about this at all.

Love,
Sam

Weekend

Hi Ma,

Sorry I haven't written for a few days. I don't have any good reasons. Can I just tell you that before I graduate from high school I want to get a manicure and pedicure? Everybody else always goes, and I want to also.

Dani switched to a different dance class, and I went to watch today. It was fun - it made me want to take dance again. Alex watched too and they let her go in the back. She did really well.

Alex has been in a bad mood (I blame it on our lack of beds) lately and keeps asking me if we can do something fun. But when I ask "like what?" she doesn't know. The sucky thing is everything that's fun requires either a car, money, an adult, or time and we don't have any of those. The only thing I came up with is going to the library in the city tomorrow, but Alex said that's not special enough. Tomorrow I'm going to call the Stanley Cup people and ask if we can dog-sit for the day. I think Alex would really, really like that. And we would take really good care of the dog.

I'm not in a good mood either. Bad moods are contagious. I did six hours and fifteen minutes of SAT studying today Ma. That's like a full day of school on a Saturday. That did nothing to put me in a better mood. I don't feel any smarter. You would have liked studying my flashcards with me. You would have gotten so excited at finding things you didn't know before and at realizing how much I know. I miss you a lot today.

Love,
Sam