Anger: Not So Easily Managed

Mama,

I am not doing well at all. I quit track a while ago, because I didn't like it and it costs too much and I didn't like the other girls and it's too much time and Aunt Elaine gave me a lot of shit for being out of the house so much. Which means the one thing that was supposed to be an outlet for anger isn't there anymore.

We still don't have beds and are sleeping on the floor. It is winter. I am cold. Heat rises. You see my problem?

Aunt Elaine thinks because she was in the hospital, we should be even better behaved, do more, be quieter, take up less space, and in general, try not to exist at all. I had about a week and a half of tiptoeing around her in me, and that time has passed. I am a person. I have stuff. I need to make noise. I need to use things (like bowls and spoons). I need food and conditioner and paper. And I can not keep trying to need less and less when the truth is I really need so much more than the little I have.

Apparently it is somehow my fault that Alex and Danielle also need all the same things I need, even though really that's all your fault since you're the one that created them. It is not possible for the three of us to be totally silent any time we're at home. It's just not. It's not reasonable, it's not practical, and it's not going to happen. And the more Aunt Elaine tells us to be quiet, the more we're going to keep talking.

You just can't expect three girls to be quiet all the time. And even if we don't talk, we're still going to make noise. Basically, Aunt Elaine wants us to be statues. Don't talk, don't move, don't make noise, don't use up food or make any messes, don't cost money. I think she is just done with us. Which doesn't bother me because I've been done with her since we got here and she said to me, "I'm not a kid person; it'll be up to you to watch your sisters and keep them in line."

We got in a huge fight last night because Craig brought me girly books. I'd asked him a couple of months ago if there were good ones and he said he'd look into it and get back to me. So yesterday he called and said he could drop them off and without asking I said he could. So all three of us went downstairs to wait for him and he brought the girly books and when Aunt Elaine saw us come back in with more stuff she went batshit crazy.

She screamed at me about how we already have way too much stuff and our room is already so messy and the last thing we need is more crap. I just stared at her and made dinner and said nothing. I am terrified that when I come home from school she will have thrown all our stuff out. I keep so much in my locker already, it's retarded.

I hate everyone.

Love,
Sam