A First (NOT a Mom Letter)

I need to write this out because I can't wrap my head around it. Last night Josh's family was having a BBQ and Danielle and I baked cookies so I'd have something to bring. When I got there, Josh said he had a surprise for me after dinner. There were a slew of people there, and we were able to sneak two cans of beer into Josh's room.

We watched Secretary, which was umm... weird as hell. I asked Josh if he liked that stuff and he said it was fun to watch but he wouldn't want to do it. Thank god - it was too much weird kinky shit for me. I couldn't watch when she put the tea kettle of boiling water against the inside of her thigh - the sound it made totally squicked me out.

I'm glad I saw the movie, even though it didn't really do much for me. Just because I've heard people talk about it and now I know what they're talking about. Plus after it, Josh and I wound up having this deep conversation about limits and how far we're (I'm) willing to go and all that. He asked what happened with Stefan so I told him, and he said that's gross. Weird how in the middle of it happening, it was hard to see it for what it was, but when I told Josh, it was so clear how wrong Stefan was. I felt dumb for having to consider it, and embarrassed that I didn't say no right away.

By then it was like 1 a.m. - we'd been talking for a long time and I was kind of sleepy. But Josh said he wanted to do the surprise so I perked up a little bit. He got something from his desk and told me to close my eyes and put out my hands. When I opened my eyes, it was a certificate. For a massage seminar for adults at a college. Josh took a seminar with grownups so he'd know how to give good massages, like as a present for me! It was really cute - he was proud of himself and everything. So he asked if he could give me a massage, and of course I said yes.

Josh ran to get a towel and handed me a bag from his desk. It had smelly oil that he said was lavender and is supposed to be soothing. Josh dimmed the light, lit a few candles and then turned around to look at me. "I thought we were getting ready?" Ummm ... I didn't know there was anything I had to do to BE ready. Was I supposed to be getting a fire extinguisher or something? Josh gave this little smile and said I had to take off my shirt and lay on my stomach. Oh. I felt stupid.

So I whipped off my shirt and laid down really fast. Josh pointed at my hair and said I should put it up so it wouldn't get in the way. So I put my hair in a ponytail. He snapped my bra and said I had to take that off too. I asked if what he'd shown me was a real certificate or Josh had just made it on his computer in an attempt to get me to strip. He looked all offended then, and said no, people get massages naked usually, or at least strip down to underwear. Okay, I did NOT know that! I sort of wish I had before agreeing so fast to one.

This was getting much more complicated than I was prepared for, and I wasn't sure what to do. Josh offered to see if he could find more beer while I thought about it. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I got up to look at the certificate again and this thing I read in a magazine popped into my head. It was all about how you have to trust yourself, know who you can trust for what, and who expects you can trust them and all this stuff.

I heard Josh coming back down the hall so I decided really fast and yanked off my jeans and bra and jumped under the blanket. I prayed I was trusting the right person - I thought I was, because Josh had never given me any reason not to trust him.

No beer - it would have been too obvious if he'd taken any that were in the fridge, so Josh just brought back two bottles of water instead. He looked at me, then at the blanket and towel and frowned. Apparently I was supposed to be laying on top of the towel with a sheet covering me. I started to say I was sorry (and wish I was home) but Josh said no, it was his fault for not explaining ahead of time. Okay turns out you lay on a towel so if oil drips it just goes on the towel, and the sheet covers all the parts of the body that aren't getting massaged. I think.

Josh untucked the sides and bottom of his blanket, folded the top down to my waist and told me not to move so the lavender stuff wouldn't drip on his bed. He poured it on my back, down my spine, and at first I could barely feel it. Okay, another thing I learned? You can't have your hands in fists when you get a massage - it cancels out the whole relaxing part. Josh started with my hands - he opened my fists and pulled each finger out and rubbed my palms.

He was good at this. By the time Josh got up to my shoulders I felt ... inside my head felt thick. Thinking took too much effort and I didn't try. He was sliding from my shoulders to the bottom of my neck up into my hair. I asked if this is supposed to make people sleepy but it was hard to say the words clearly and I had to repeat myself. It felt SOOO GOOD. I told Josh I thought I was going to fall asleep and he asked if I wanted to finish another time. I tried to nod. That's all I remember.

When I woke up it was morning and I smelled lavender. Even though it was only like 8 a.m. I felt like I'd had the best sleep ever. Not sure if it was the massage or sleeping in a bed. Whichever, I want both again. Josh was still asleep and I had to totally lean over him to get my clothes off the floor and I was scared he'd wake up but he didn't. I didn't put on my bra and helped myself to a sweatshirt I found - I just wanted to get the hell out of there before getting busted by Josh's parents.

Got home, and was getting back into bed right when Alex was getting up. She hugged me and said I smelled good. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time freaking out about the naked part.