Why Do You Suck

Dear Aunt Elaine,


You suck. On multiple levels. You never cook any food except for yourself. You never clean up after any meals. Please stop waking us up at night if you find that we didn't clean the sink perfectly, or you made a snack, got crumbs on the floor or counter that you didn't notice at the time, that you think we need to clean up. Also, if we didn't get something perfectly clean, you don't need to put it on our beds during the day. You can just leave it in the kitchen and we'll try again when we get home from school. All you do is piss us off when you leave things on our beds.
Speaking of which, don't fucking yell at me that I don't clean the tea kettle. You NEVER use it. All we use it for is to boil water. Boiled water is clean. Therefore the teapot is clean. I clean it like once a month. It's okay for it to sit with water in it.

Also you bitch about us spending money on fruits and healthy foods (like the lean chopped meat instead of the fatty kind) but then bitch about being fat yourself. Do you notice the difference between what you eat and what we eat? Why do you talk so much about how MAYBE you'll do a diet? It doesn't have to be some huge production. You don't have to do it all at once. Just start already. For like every single medical issue you have, you've been told to lose weight. You just fell again (AGAIN!) last week. When will you stop talking about it, and just start eating less?

Stop threatening to take away my computer. Perhaps since you never leave the house and never talk to parents you don't know this, but it's kind of impressive to have three kids in school who all get really good report cards. We NEED my computer, shitty as it is. You take my laptop away, I'm going to take away your remote control. We can go to the library for computers, what will you do without tv?

Stop bitching that we're loud. We have to be quiet all day in school. You're supposed to be able to be loud at home. You get like a minimum of five hours of silence all day while we're at school. If you want more quiet, turn off your precious tv.

You have no friends. That's your freaky decision to make, but we don't want to be like you. We want friends, and part of having them is being able to invite them over. What the hell are you so ashamed of that we can never ever have anyone over? The only room that's kind of messy is our bedroom, and that's because there are three of us in a space not quite big enough for one person. Our friends don't mind.

Lastly, one word: BEDS!

Hatefully,
Sam