Batman Blows

So yesterday this boy in Alex's homeroom class asked her out. She told him she had to think about it and she'd let him know today. This morning she was walking down the hall to give her answer, and two older boys held him down while a third kid pantsed him.

He was wearing Batman underwear! In FIFTH GRADE! Naturally Alex told him she won't go out with him.

A Fight By Proxy?

Sometimes my friends are so loyal that they go overboard. Somebody saw Josh talking to this random girl last week. And without even telling me, they walked by her later and bashed her head into a locker and kept walking. It was in between classes. She didn't even see who did it, but I totally got blamed. And when the Assistant Principal hauled me into the office, it didn't help that I may have smiled when he told me it had happened. I'm such an idiot.

This girl Ivie is swearing up and down that I did it, that I'm angry because Josh was talking with her, and I'm like, "Look at your locker, and look at the class I was leaving and the class I was going to. NOWHERE near you!" She brought her little freshman friend to swear it was me also.

I never saw either of these girls before we got hauled into the office though. So we're going back and forth in front of the AP, them against me, and then maybe I accidentally dropped the F-bomb. "Who do you think I am? Tony Fucking Soprano, that I can order a hit on somebody?" Whoops. And maybe I accidentally made it worse, by umm threatening to beat the shit out of Ivie if she didn't stop screaching that I'd been the one to slam her into the locker.

The AP yelled at me then and said he was trying to believe me, but by threatening people I was making it hard for him. "It goes against school policy for you to threaten people on school property." Whatever. Let's go for a walk down the block so I can bash your head against the sidewalk then. Because that'll be okay. The AP shook his head at me and was like, "You were doing so well, what happened?" Beats me. All I did was tell my friends Josh broke up with me.

Magali and Stefania were waiting outside for me to see if I got suspended. Ivie and her friend were walking down the hall behind us and Magali turned around and glared at Ivie's friend. What a fucking mess.

Then later, Eleni told me that when Ivie was about to go into the bathroom, Stefania yanked her away from the door and told her if she valued her life she wouldn't go into any of the bathrooms. It's like a fucking tsunami of revenge. So I have a bad feeling that I may wind up getting suspended soon, for somebody else. Great. Somebody told me colleges don't find out about stuff like that at all - that it's not like they get a list of how many times you were suspended or anything, but I'm not sure.

This morning I talked to Heather, and told her I didn't do anything to Ivie and didn't ask my friends to either, and asked if she thought I should talk to Josh. So she's going to talk to him and find out if he's mad at me. Then she hugged me and said, "We still love you, even if Josh doesn't." Which made me feel so good I almost cried, because I kind of thought all my smart friends would drop me.

Confession

Peoples, I have been hiding a terrible secret from you. I feel awful about this - you've all been so nice to me, and so encouraging and helpful, even all the way in Germany and even with a new baby and I appreciate you so much. After I tell you this terrible secret, I will understand if you want nothing to do with me anymore ever again. It'll be okay if you hate me. Each time I think about what I've done, I kind of hate myself a bit.

So you know how sometimes you read magazines in the drugstore without paying for them? Well, me too. But the thing is, sometimes, like about once a month, I read the Oprah magazine. I'm sorry. I'm so ashamed. Even my sisters don't know the truth.

It started innocently, I promise. See, I always saw the magazine at the library (we go there after school) and after a while realized she's always on the cover. It fascinated and disgusted me all at the same time. How can anyone's ego be so big? Finally one day I picked up the thing to look more closely, and like I do with all magazines, I flipped to the back page. Where I saw ANOTHER picture of Oprah! She is EVERYWHERE. Like lice. Or roaches.

And then came the afternoon when I got fully sucked in. Danielle wasn't ready to leave. I'd finished all my homework, read all the other interesting magazines, finished my people-watching, and was bored. And Oprah was just STARING at me. And that's how it happened.

She says the weirdest things. Like in the latest issue, encouraging everyone to take a month off, like she did. Umm... yeah. Not everyone is a trillionnaire. And she calls the girls in Africa her daughters. Okay I know the "it takes a village" phrase comes from Africa but still, that's really dismissive of their REAL mothers.

Aunt Elaine watches Oprah at home and I've seen her talk about the students at her school (who I refuse to call her daughters because fuck that) and any time she tells a guest what one of them said, she always includes their accent. What the fuck is that? When she tells someone what Maya Angelou said, she doesn't use HER accent.

Also, what's up with the screaming on that show? Why are all these midwestern middle-aged women screaming on her show? Don't these people have any dignity?! I am a teenager - it is my job to scream. But only in appropriate places, like at home, or at a concert, or at a sleeping crackwhore blocking the steps of our building.

Can we go back to the school in Africa please? All these girls were picked because they were the best students from their previous schools. Which means they were in school. But there are children in Africa who are too poor to go to school. Why didn't she pick THOSE kids? She picked girls who will be easy to teach. Who probably aren't behind in learning, who already know how to read.

Oprah made this school much more fancy than it needed to be. And it's not that I think African girls don't deserve a beautiful school. But if I could have 600 thread count sheets, or my other option was 300 thread count sheets AND another girl could also have sheets, I'd pick 300 thread count sheets! Share the wealth! What is she teaching those girls about wealth? That THEY "deserve" it but their former neighbors somehow don't?

I just think she could have spent less and helped more people. Maybe I should move to Africa and try to get into that school - then I'd have a bed.

So that's my secret. I read, and hate, Oprah. Yeah and I don't know why I read it if I hate it. Maybe I should discuss that at my next shrinking.

When Are We Allowed To Be Bitchy Again?

I guess because of the seamstress stuff my mom and grandma did, we were always being given free clothes. It was always really nice stuff, in amazing condition. Even though I was the oldest and not supposed to have hand-me-downs, I didn't mind.

All three of us got new stuff even with the free stuff. Twice a year we'd go shopping - once when school started, and again right before the summer. And then everybody died, we moved, and ever since then all our clothes have come from Target and Old Navy clearance sections.

We used to have different pajamas for every night, and some matching ones. Now we almost always just sleep in whatever shirt we wore during the day. If this were Kentucky or Ohio or someplace else where people don't care about clothes maybe it wouldn't matter. But this is New York City. Fashion Week. Tyra has arrived. Tim Gunn. It's all here.

And somehow, all the other kids manage to have American Eagle and Hollister and Abercrombie. While Alex is stuck with shit that's five years old and was bought from Target and already worn by me and Dani.

So yeah it was awesome that a fire family called to say their 6th grader out-grew some clothes and they had a garbage bag full for Alex. We went and picked up the clothes. We said thank you and she'll write them a note. But when we got the bag home and opened it, none of the clothes fit, and Alex cried. I can sew a button and fix a hem. But every single shirt was way too wide - they all could wrap halfway around her back. And every single pair of pants? We could pants her. I can't sew like that.

I mean even if I ripped out the hems on the sides, the collars would be wrong and off-center then. I think Alex has to just give these to somebody else, somebody with a different body. Even if she grows, I don't think she'll grow OUT, just UP. It sucks. Alex said she was the only one in her class who didn't have new shoes on the first day of school.

I miss the smell of new clothes. I miss nice stuff, that doesn't get holes. I miss laying out our clothes that we just bought on the couch. I am tired of having to profusely thank every one who gives us their leftovers. I'm an ungrateful bitch. In shitty clothes.

The Hard Sell

Yesterday we went to the doctor for those doctor visits we're supposed to have before school starts. The ones that the schools consider so important that they don't allow you to start unless you've had them. Yeah, our schools are right on top of things.

I don't know how other people do doctor visits, but we all go in the room together, and just take turns. They don't even have to change the crinkly paper for us - we've already caught whatever we're going to catch from each other.

Our regular girl doctor wasn't there yesterday, so we had to see a guy who I don't really like. There's nothing wrong with him - just, you know how you meet someone and they rub you the wrong way, right away? That's him.

So I go first and he tells me I'm alive and signs the form for school. Then he tells me my chart says I didn't get the HPV vaccine. No shit, I rejected it. He's like, "Are you aware you're setting yourself up for cancer without getting this?" Ummm.... dude? Get your fucking facts straight. It's one TYPE of cancer. Maybe you should read more than just the brochure that came with the vaccines from the drug company before you try to talk people into it.

I told him I'm much more concerned about the lung cancer I'm exposed to every day at home, than cervical cancer which I'm NOT exposed to every day. I even explained how I feel like this thing is too new for me to take, because there could be bad side-effects that we don't know about yet. Even though I discussed all this with the girl doctor. Even though it's not mandatory.

Then Alex went. She'll be 10 at the end of the month. He tried to tell her she should get the vaccine. Alex said no thanks. He said, "It's free to you." Dani and I laughed and Alex said that's not why she doesn't want it. He said, "It won't hurt." Alex asked him not to lie to her and then said that's not why she doesn't want it. He told her she seems like a very smart little girl (ok adult-people, when you're trying to compliment a kid, calling them little negates calling them smart, just a tip) and he knew she wouldn't just follow what I do without thinking for herself.

Alex thought about that for a minute and then said, "But if I listen to you, aren't I just following what you say and not thinking for myself?" He got a weird look on his face, and was like, "But I'm a DOCTOR!" And Alex just shook her head and smiled, with this little look on her face like, "I'm sorry, but that's just not good enough for me."

Then Alex was finished, and it was Dani's turn. As she and Alex switched places, the doctor said, "You're all sisters, so I don't have to wash my hands, right?" Right before he touched her, he sneezed. So Dani asked him to wash his hands first.

HOLY SHIT! You'd think she asked him something horrible with how meanly he glared at her. This guy sucks. I miss our old doctors in Brooklyn. Anyway, he tried to tell Dani she is the perfect age for Gardasil and that she could set a good example for Alex.

He was totally disgusted with all three of us by then, and said he was noting our charts that from now on we're to be examined one at a time, like it was a threat. I told him there's no way in hell my nine year old sister is being in a room alone with a boy doctor who tries to intimidate people, so *I'M* having a note put in all our charts that we aren't to be given appointments with him ever again. What a fucking douchebag.

If adults are such assholes it makes sense that they can't fathom (fathom!) that kids might not be also. But not all kids are assholes. And maybe in the olden days they didn't have marketing and advertising classes in high school, but we do, and my favorite classes are ones that teach me stuff that's usable in the real world, so give us a little credit.

Anyway, I was thinking about all this vaccine stuff on the walk home and I have a question. How come boys NEVER have to do anything? Girls have to get three shots to get the vaccine, girls have to get birth control, girls have to be pregnant, have babies, all this stuff. What the hell do the boys EVER have to do? I don't want to turn into one of those bitter girls when I go to college, like the ones who make their boyfriends buy tampons just to show how whipped he is. But really, what do the boys ever have to do?

Aunt Elaine was pretty pissed when we got home. Apparently the doctor was so pissed off that he CALLED TO TELL ON US. And she hates having to deal with parent-y things. And after she finished yelling at us that she doesn't care what we do as long as we stay out of trouble, Aunt Elaine said I'm totally like my mother. And she would have researched new vaccines and asked lots of questions and not been afraid to go against authority figures. Which kind of made the whole horrible afternoon totally beautiful and worth it.

Broken

Can you actually die from a broken heart? Because my chest really does hurt. It feels like somebody's stepping on it. Or slowly pulling it apart. Really, you should not be allowed to dump someone on the first day of school. Somebody should make that illegal.

Of course the whole school has heard by now. People I don't even know come up to me to ask what happened. Even the short little freshman who look scared. You can always tell who just wants a part of the drama. Always. They always act overly concerned. "How ARE you? No, really!"

Alex made me a card to cheer me up. She was so proud of it that I tried to smile at her but I didn't fake it very well.

Great First Day

Josh dumped me. He used the word baggage. I didn't even hear everything else he said.

I Need a Fairy Godmother

Everything hurts. It is so damn hot. Even at night. I have been sleeping with no shirt on. The fan is not enough, but we can't keep the bedroom door open because the smoke makes my throat hurt even more. Aunt Elaine told me I'm a pervert to be sleeping without a shirt but fuck her because I'm not walking around the apartment naked or anything.

We had a big argument about who should ask her to stop smoking while my throat is trying to kill me. I voted for Alex. Alex voted for Danielle. Danielle voted for Alex. Alex is angry at us. She's the most scared of Aunt Elaine, but she's the one who's liked best. She still has the cute factor working in her favor. Not cute enough. "Suck it up." That's what Aunt Elaine said. Trust me, I am. I've been sucking up your second-hand smoke for almost six years. What a fucking bitch.

I wish magic existed and somebody would bring me jello. Or an icepop. Or a surgeon who could remove my throat from my body. That would be nice.

It is too hot to sleep. I want to get out of my body somehow.

And the Sick Goes On

Yeah. Still sick. Throat? Still on fire. Honey? Not so magical in NY. Maybe the honey in Europe is better.

School starts next week. I HAVE to be over this.

Oh, and I went to work anyway, because Wendy asked me to. Today when her husband walked me out, he gave me a tip for $200. How freaking awesome.

Except I feel too crappy to get properly excited. And that's the end of work for me.