Smack

Danielle has been kind of attitudey to all of us since she got back from her precious skiing trip (which she talks about non-stop). "Malaika's parents cooked dinner or we went out every night - I never had to do anything more than set the table." "Malaika's parents let us watch whatever WE wanted on tv, even if they were watching something first." "Malaika's parents never yelled at us the entire trip."

Dani even asked me the other night how can I stand being here, living like this, and dealing with Aunt Elaine when she knows I know how different it is in real homes. I don't know. I can't sometimes. I mean, that's how I wound up PINS and with a shrink and on probation and all that shit.

This weekend we were trying to go through all our clothes and reorganize. We are forever reorganizing in the hopes that it will magically give us another four feet of space that wasn't there before. It never works but we can't seem to stop trying.

We got two piles going in the dining room under the table - one for clothes that are in such bad shape they need to be thrown out and one for clothes that
can be donated to someone smaller than Alex. Everything was totally out of the way.

Aunt Elaine has a thing about that she doesn't want any of our stuff anywhere but our bedroom, but since she never sits at the table anyway since she eats all her meals in the chair in front of the tv, I figured to just have two piles under the table for one day would be alright.

No. It's not. Even though this morning she saw Alex putting stuff under the table and asked what she was doing. And Alex TOLD her it was just until tomorrow and she would barely even notice it. But no. Tonight Aunt Elaine started screaming about how our shit is all over the place (when it's not) and she can't stand it anymore.

And Danielle just flipped the fuck out. I had no idea she had all that cursing in her! Totally cursed out Aunt Elaine (totally saying everything Alex and I feel) saying she does absolutely NOTHING for us, that we do much more for her than she does for us, that she acts like we're a total inconvenience without considering our feelings, that she's ALWAYS complaining about us but never helps make anything better, how when she was in and out of the hospital we went to see her every day and she never even thanked us, and how we are always running to the drugstore for her and all she ever says is what took so long but never thank you, how we cater to her and cook all her meals and clean up from them and she never cooks for us even when we're sick, and bitches about how much food we eat, and just on and on.

Danielle kept rocking forward on her feet and I seriously thought she was going to punch so I kept yanking her shirt from the back. But every time Dani said something, Aunt Elaine flinched and her face got red, like she KNOWS she sucks, and she knows everything Dani was saying is totally true.

So Aunt Elaine started screaming back about how we're all so ungrateful and we've ruined her life and she hates kids and we never shut up and we're always interrupting her (what, and then she misses 30 seconds of her precious soap?) and costing money. She said really mean and nasty things and they were so freaking loud.

And then Aunt Elaine smacked Danielle across the face. And she got so angry that she went to leave. Alex started to run after her, but Aunt Elaine pulled her back, but not in a nice way and she slammed into the wall. I shoved my hand between Alex's head and the wall at the last second but it was still a hard hit.

Craig told me a while ago that in families siblings have roles. And my role is the loud obnoxious one who demands what we need, Alex's role is the cute baby who charms people into what we need, and Dani is totally overlooked, and one day she would blow, and do something that totally demanded attention. That's why he said she needed a shrink.

I guess he was right because she definitely flipped out tonight. After Alex fell into the wall she ran to our room crying. I waited a few minutes and then got my jacket and Danielle's and went to go find her. I couldn't think of where she'd go - she's never out this late at night by herself so I was wandering around the streets for like 15 minutes. Some Puerto Rican guy came up to me holding Alex's hand and was like, "Is this yours?"

Dumb baby walked out to follow me without a jacket. The guy was like "it's too cold out for her; you should give her that," meaning Dani's jacket that I was holding. Alex told him no, it was for our other sister. So he took off his jacket and sweatshirt and gave us the sweatshirt, saying to find him tomorrow to give it back.

I put that on, gave Al Dani's jacket to wear and held my jacket for when we found Danielle. As Alex and I kept walking she took my hand and we started having this whole crazy talk about how people think New Yorkers are so mean and scary but they're really very nice and isn't it weird how wrong people are. All while we're wandering around for Danielle. I knew she couldn't have gone far away because she didn't take her Metrocard or any money.

We walked around for almost an hour. Alex kept switching sides to hold my other hand to warm hers up but both our hands still wound up freezing. Danielle looked calmer but still really angry when I found her where I work. Alex asked me for a hot chocolate and I thought this was sort of ... a special occasion so I got us each one. Dani just sat there and didn't say anything and glared at the wall.

Al switched to Dani's side and put her hands around her mug and laid her head on the table, looking at Dani. I didn't say anything for a long time because everything I thought of sounded retarded, like my idea that we should move to California (I just think I'd like it there). Finally I told Danielle everything she said was right, and she nodded at me and started drinking her hot chocolate.

Going home it was after 11pm and Alex was tired so I piggybacked her home and she's asleep still wearing her clothes. Aunt Elaine was in her bedroom with her door closed. Dani is laying next to me right now playing with the hem of my shirt. She said she is too angry to sleep. If my mother were alive we wouldn't have to go to school tomorrow.

I don't think we're going to last here until I graduate. Not even if I leave right at the end of that June instead of waiting until the end of August.