Covered

When we were packing to move in with Aunt Elaine, I took my mother's blanket and my grandma's Sick Blanket. We all sleep with my mom's blanket. The sick blanket stays put away until we get sick and then only the sick one uses it. When we're finished being sick it gets washed and then put back away.

My mom's blanket is starting to rip and fall apart a little bit. There's a big hole at the bottom. I sewed it up but it opened again. It makes my chest hurt to think of not having her blanket anymore. It's white with big flowers on it. My mom's bedroom was all white and crisp and yellow and sunny and warm. It was like her. Everything she ever wore was always ironed. Well, not everything everything, but anything that showed on the outside. After we were all in bed my mom would watch tv and iron all the clothes she was due to give back the next day. I guess she just figured she might as well iron all our clothes and hers too.

I burned my finger ironing the other day. I don't do it every night, but all at once for the week. Danielle and I switch off and we iron all three of our week's outfits. It takes an hour. Aunt Elaine always asks why we bother. "Since you fold them straight from the dryer they're smooth enough." "Who are you trying to impress?" "Nobody is looking at you or your clothes."

Maybe our mom is. And maybe it makes her happy that her girls look how she'd always try to make us look. Shut the fuck up and go eat another donut.

Just So Bright

My friend Sahar had been going out with this guy John since ninth grade. He's huge. He's been huge since I met him. Sahar's family is middle-Eastern and John is Irish and she's not allowed to be dating him but has been all this time anyway.

Except that they broke up. Well, she dumped him. I guess it's going around. Anyway, Sahar has been friends with this guy Andy that a lot of people suspect is gay (I don't think he's gay - I just think he's kind of a wuss) and she's been hanging out with him a lot lately. Probably to talk about all the shit going on with John.

Today when we were walking out of math there was blood all over the floor and down the hall we saw Andy being led away by Security. He turned back to look at us and I saw his face. I mean, I couldn't see his face because of all the blood pouring down it. But I knew it was him. Now I knew what that noise we'd heard during math had been. Andy looked worse than terrible. He was walking funny and I bet he's got some broken ribs.

The cops showed up pretty fast to arrest John and they had his jacket over his shoulders to cover the handcuffs, as if anyone would see that and not know what was going on. Andy gets released tomorrow. I don't think Sahar's going to show up at school. John is over 18 so the school is allowed to expel him - they don't have to stop at suspending him.

Heaven Doesn't Answer

"What would Mommy say?" It's the easiest way to decide anything and everything. She didn't look at me so much as she felt me. She'd look down at whatever she was sewing and nod and smile at me while making the seams perfect as I danced around and talked.

I wish there'd been video taken of her so I could watch. Not just because I want to hear her laugh and cough and watch her dance (oh my god she'd LOVE DWTS!) but I don't know how she thinks of the things going on now.

Every day I get asked about the Josh Thing and every day I wait for something big to happen to someone else so that'll be what people talk about instead. Somebody needs to get jumped, or dumped, or stolen from or cheat on someone.

I don't know what other people do when they don't have their people anymore. I mean, if my mom had just had a heart attack or something. My grandma would still be here, and Topher. Or if Topher had been the only one, things would be awful but not like this. It should be illegal to lose your whole family.

Everybody says you need to get a job. I got a job. Everybody says you have to save for college. I have been saving for college. But nobody discusses what you're supposed to do when your sisters need stuff. Alex is going to need camp stuff. Danielle is going to need a really expensive calculator for her school and probably a laptop. Plus her retarded phone that she won't shut up about.

Then there are all these news articles about how college students graduate with all this debt and that's wrong. But how am I supposed to not wind up in debt? Even with scholarships I'm still going to have to take out student loans so I can pay for Al and Dani and life.

Life is too hard. Where the fuck are my people to help?

Separate

I talked to the marketing teacher I had last year about if she'll need a mother's helper this summer and if Danielle could do it. She is going to discuss it with her husband and let me know.

Alex got a scholarship again to her camp and wants to go, but doesn't want to go alone. Tough shit. She is too young to mother's help by herself and Danielle really needs to have a job. Now Alex doesn't want to go to camp at all, so I told her that's fine, she can stay home all day with Aunt Elaine in our shoebox apartment and she can melt to death and hope Aunt Elaine doesn't yell at her for being home during the day and making too much noise melting. Naturally Alex is crying. Even though Danielle and I reminded her she won't really be alone at camp because she'll have a lot of her friends from last summer there.

I want to go nuts on the money thing this summer, except there are all these retarded child labor laws and my diner won't let me work more than a certain number of hours each day and each week. So I'm thinking I will do a mother's helper thing in the city during the day and then hostess at night at the diner. Because there'll be no school they will let me work later at night.

Danielle does not care. Camp, work, whatever. She just wants her cell phone. But the thing is, her summer money won't last forever. Plus, she got into her special high school next year and she's going to need expensive school supplies for that. Whatever winds up happening, we are going to be all split up for the summer. My mother would not be happy.

And So This Is Christmas (And What Have You Done?)

Because it's Easter today our fire family dinner canceled tonight.  Library is closed.  Everything is closed for Easter.  Work gave a shift to the jewish girl, thinking they were doing me a favor.  Everybody is busy with family stuff.  

We are sitting in an internet cafe, splitting a muffin between the three of us.  Danielle is finishing homework, Alex is reading a book and we are all trying to figure out something to do today.  

Obviously it can't be at home, it can't cost money and it has to fit with the weather (40 degrees out).  Alex wants to go see a movie.  She does not get the rules.  I say we just go into the city and wander around the Village.  Dani does not like my idea, because my idea is always to go into the city.  She wants to go wander around Brooklyn which is fine with me but Alex doesn't want to go.  I don't care either way, except that more things will be closed in Brooklyn than in the city.  

Happy fucking Easter.

Drunk blogging

right hwen you say 'okay but this is the lst one" you should stop right THEN. because that last one? it's goingt o be like the last four and that will be bad and involve a mysterious bruide on your thigh that you don't know how you got.

please give all your besthangover cures in comments. no raw eggs. thank you. and good morning.

Living With You Is a Punishment

Danielle is not some wild kid. Did you see the movie Thirteen with Rachel Even Wood? We're not like that. Well, actually maybe we are, but we also do pretty well in school and so nobody cares. I jacked two oranges and a package of cheese last week. But nobody caught me and nobody punished me and so I didn't have to break any rules when I went out that night. The only reason she seemed so wild was because she kept having to deal with rules.

Danielle should have a cell phone because she is a good girl and she deserves one. Kids in third grade have them here. Alex doesn't ask not because she doesn't want one, but because she knows I can't give her one. I could. I could spend all my work money on our cell phones. But that was not my plan. My plan was all my money would get saved for college except $20, and $5 goes to each of them and $10 goes to me. Sometimes I don't even spend my full $10.

In general I never seat anybody in the two seats right near the cash register. I don't want people sitting near me. But, if people look like they're going to have interesting conversations, then I DO seat them near me, so I can listen in on what they say. Today these two mothers came in and I gave them my special seats. They did not disappoint. They had a huge discussion where they agreed how scary it is to have a teenager and how it's impossible to know what to do with teenage girls.

We need to make Aunt Elaine see that Danielle needs a cell phone. Today while I was working Dani and Alex came and shared a chocolate pudding gratis and made up a list of how it will benefit Aunt Elaine to give her one. A phone, not a pudding.

When we got home Danielle gave the list, and Aunt Elaine read it in the commercial. She told Alex to stop looking so happy, nobody is getting anything. Told Danielle she doesn't deserve a phone or anything else. What she deserves is a punishment. That's when Danielle dropped her bomb. It was great. "Living with you IS a punishment." On second thought I guess it wasn't great for Danielle, since she got slapped across the face for it. But in the moment when she said it, it was great. My hand is bruised from where I shoved it between the corner of the bookcase and Danielle's face.

On Thursday I am going to ask Craig to work on getting a phone for Dani.

No She Can't Hear You Now

Aunt Elaine said absolutely not to Danielle getting a cell phone. She said when you do bad things you don't get rewarded. That sounds logical. I couldn't figure out how to argue it. Danielle is bummed. Hopefully her shrink will work some magic.

I told Danielle that I'll take $5 of my $10 a week to donate to her cell phone. If she babysits every weekend she will be able to afford a cell phone and still have a little money left over. I hate money.

Double Dose of Shrinking

On Thursday night when we went to shrinking Craig said that Danielle's shrink would like for all of us to have a meeting together after our 50 minutes. Poor little Alex - her face totally fell because she thought it meant she'd have to wait in the waiting room by herself for even longer. I let her use my iPod when I'm with Craig and she does homework but I think she just feels left out anyway. So Al was happy to hear she'd be included in the talk afterwards.

Craig asked if I was going to punish Danielle for scaring us, and I laughed. "I'm not her mother." He gave me a funny look. "For all intents and purposes, yes, you are." Well somebody should have sent me a fucking memo. We went back and forth about that for a while. It was retarded and insulting to our mother and I got mad.

Then when we all met together Craig got Alex and all five of us talked. Danielle apologized for not being where she was supposed to be and making us worry and all that. And her shrink is going to talk with Aunt Elaine about getting Danielle a cell phone too, because she really does need one. Alex bitched at Dani - because of her, Alex missed her math test and then had to miss recess to take it later in the day and because she was scared she didn't do as well as she could have. Then Al cried and said she was really scared Dani had gotten lost and we wouldn't be able to find her. That made Danielle cry.

Turns out she did get a little lost and took a train in the wrong direction a couple of stops before realizing and getting off. When we were walking out Danielle asked me if she was in trouble. I fucking hate when Craig is right like that. So I told her she has to stay home all weekend so that we know for sure where she is. When I got home from work today, Dani had done two loads of laundry, opened all the mail and got the bills ready to be paid, and thrown out the garbage and was in total kiss-ass mode. I'm kinda impressed.

Where Did You GO?

A couple weeks ago Danielle went into the city with her friend. They met three boys from Staten Island and Dani had been talking to one of them almost every day since. She has this weird thing where if she stays up too late, she loses her voice. Since we were little - I don't know why. Danielle sometimes comes to work to ask for my cell phone because once it's too late at night she can't talk anymore. Well she can, but not without sounding like a phone sex operator or whatever they're called.

The other day she wanted my phone, but I had some serious shit going on via text msgs and needed it plus didn't want her to see them so I said no. Danielle got really mad and cursed me out and yelled that it wasn't fair that I didn't push Aunt Elaine to get her a phone and I only ask for stuff for me.

Yesterday Dani went into the city to hang out with the kid she'd met and been talking to. They hung out all day and had some Ray's, and went to the taping of TRL. When I was talking with the girly cop she asked about Dani's MySpace page. None of the three of us really use MySpace the way it's meant - we mostly just use it to see other people's pages and stuff. Anyway the girly cop asked me to look at Dani's friends and tell her if anyone was someone new or someone I didn't know and that boy was on there.

Danielle called me from his phone in the afternoon to double check which train she should use to get home and that was when she found out she was missing. Forgot the school would call if she didn't show up. When Dani saw the cop she cried and said sorry for making me and Alex scared. And she told me that even though it was fun hanging out for the day she doesn't like that boy so much anymore. Said he was too mean to people and he was always looking to get in a fight with people.

So she broke up with him on his MySpace page, which is such a cliche. The girly cop yelled at her a lot and said not to ever waste everyone's time like this ever again because it's a waste of resources. Dani told her he stole a bunch of DVDs from Tower and said, "Now is it not a waste?"

Cutting

Danielle is found and alright. Being worried is exhausting. I need a nap.

Like A Little Bit Pregnant

Danielle did not arrive at school today. She is a little bit missing and I am not panicking. She drops Alex off early every day, because her school starts earlier than Alex's and she did that this morning. Somewhere between Alex's school and her own something went different obviously, because she never got to her school. You have to have your phone off during classes or they take it away. I turn mine off as I walk into class and turn it on as I walk out, for the three minutes between classes (and yes, I know I'm killing the battery that way). Today when I turned it back on between periods I got an automated message saying nobody called in for Danielle and she's showing up absent - please call and confirm she's home.

I walked out of school and called Alex's school and made them yank her out of class. Yes, Dani dropped her off on time. No, Dani didn't say anything. No, they didn't stop anyplace on the way. No, they didn't talk to anyone on the way. No, Dani didn't leave home with anything besides her bookbag. I am not panicking.

You don't have to wait 24 hours to report a person missing - that's just on tv. You just have to know what they're wearing. Jeans and a black thermal and a red Small Paul t-shirt with black Chucks. I called a fire family and told them, because they are cool like that and will tell all the other stations to keep an eye out.

After 9/11 there were like, support groups (I want to throw up just writing that because of how lame it is) and one of the things somebody asked is if it's wrong to use 9/11 for stuff, like essays for school and stuff. The answer was no, if we have to deal with the bad part of 9/11 we should get to use what good can come out of it too.

When Denise, a fire wife mom person (I never know what to call these people), asked if I wanted her to come with me to the police I said yes. It's why when she marched in and said, "This young lady's brother was a firefighter killed in 9/11 and her sister is missing since this morning," I kind of didn't mind. Even though everyone in the lobby stopped talking for a second to look at me and I got embarrassed.

When the police woman wanted to know what Danielle kept in her bookbag I called Alex's school again. We tried to figure out over the phone what homework she was doing last night and who she wrote notes to and if the cow tissues she got as a joke on Valentine's Day were already used up. Then she asked me the weirdest thing. Had I gone home yet? Did I check to see if Danielle was home.

She seemed surprised that I was surprised. But there is no way to go home to see if Danielle was there without getting yelled at by Aunt Elaine for being home too early. I was trying to explain it in a way that if it got back to Aunt Elaine, I wouldn't get in trouble. "She really likes her kid-free time," sounded lame. "Honey, I have a gun and am not afraid to use it; the only one who gets people in trouble when I'm around is ME." So we trooped over to my house and she asked if I'd get less of a hard time if she didn't come in. It is so nice when adults aren't retarded. Really a breath of fresh air.

She waited in the hallway when I ran in, claiming to have forgotten something I needed for work, and left. Thirty seconds. No Danielle. Friends know nothing. Dani's shrink was called, and then so was mine. Now we are waiting and I am not panicking while Danielle is a little bit missing.

You Ain't Gotta Go Home, But You Can't Stay Here

I couldn't stay there. I'm not the right kind of poor person. If I had a different makeup, I could do it. I could just walk around, happy to have someone else pay for me all the time. Happy even though I wasn't able to reciprocate. Happy to just get as much as I can from him, for as long as possible. And at night, the disapproving faces of my mother wouldn't float in front of my eyes as I tried to fall asleep.

I'm like a poor person but with a blue-collar mentality. And I get slapped down every time I try to venture out of my poor bubble. It starts out fine - you go hang out at a park, but then someone always gets hungry and wants to go get something to eat. The weekend skiing trips that happen a minimum of once a month. For the last time, no, I'm not afraid to ski.

What are you doing tonight? Going to grease a doorman to get into this club that will serve anyone. Oh, well you have fun while I go home and try to create dinner for my sisters out of a green pepper and some moldy cream cheese. Everyone's going to brunch Sunday morning; come with us! Sorry, I have to sit at home and go through the newspaper to cut out coupons and then write out a shopping list based on what's on sale.

Every day I was saying no to everything that costs money. And then eventually people just stop asking. I can't stay there. I can't be the one that everyone else is always carrying. Especially because most of the time everyone else was usually Josh. The fucked up thing is that's not even the worst part.

How to Waste a Weekend

When I woke up at Mace's yesterday morning I knew something in my body was just not right. Taking a shower helped a little, and I let the water hit my chest for a long time. I drew our initials inside a heart on the mirror before I remembered, and then wiped us away.

Leaving a note for Mace I left at 8:15 and went to the good walk-in clinic. I told the intake nurse I was having a hard time breathing. Partially because it was true but partially because I know it makes you priority over someone with a splinter, or a druggie trying to get drugs by saying he has a hernia.

They told me to come back at 1:15 and that this doctor usually ran early. There was a Starbucks a block away and I had a book. The girls behind the counter weren't, so I helped myself to two biscotti and took over a chair for the next three hours.

He was 45 minutes early - I was glad I wandered back when I finished my book. He asked how long I've been sick. Said he wanted to do a chest x-ray. I shook my head.

"You don't want an x-ray?"
"I just don't feel like we're in an x-ray place, you know?"
"No, I don't, actually."

He was nice about it. I guess people refuse tests a lot or something. Writing me four prescriptions (one for an inhaler), he said I have bronchitis. I asked if he had any samples, and followed him when he went to get them.

"Unfortunately I don't have any jeans to give you," he tried to joke. Grownups always like to think they're funny. They think it means we're connecting or something. They don't realize we're humoring them, that they're never funny when they try.

While his head was in the supply closet I considered the night before. "I was kissing a boy yesterday. Do you think I gave him bronchitis?" He turned to look at me.

"Were you doing anything else with him?"
"No. But my friend did. After me."

The doctor waved his hand, said if they get sick, they can come see him. I didn't notice until I got home that night and dumped out my bag that he'd tossed in condoms too.

If You Ain't Got No Money, Take Yo' Broke Ass Home

I followed that lyric partially and now I'm at Mace's house for the night. Sitting in the deli, she curled her finger at Ari and he followed her into the bathroom. I wore my lowriders today, the ones that are so low I have to go commando, and only sit down with my back against a wall. Something is wrong with my lungs and chest again. I dug through Mace's bag to see if she had an inhaler I could use. Found a lip pencil and tried it out. When I looked in the mirror it didn't look right. I rubbed at my lips with the side of my index finger really hard, smearing the color all around.

They came back from the bathroom smiling like they'd shared an inside joke. "Your lips look good Sammers," Mace told me. I drew on the table with the lip pencil. Mace is the type who believes in three-second rules, being free by telling the truth, and always making yourself happy.

Isaiah kicked me gently. "Want to go fool around?" Mace pushed me out of the booth answering for me. "Yes she does." I yanked up my jeans and walked around the two old ladies holding hands as they made their way to the cashier. Wonder what she gets paid. Wonder if it's more than me. I felt Isaiah hook his finger into my belt loop, and we leaned against the wall in the back, near all the posters and ads.

"So is this payback?
"No."
"Because I'm happy to screw your brains out if you want to get back at Josh."
"Thanks Isaiah, you're always so sweet."

We made out for a while. I kept my back against the wall. A mother walked past us to the bathrooms and turned her kid's head away from us, glaring the whole time. "Don't look Jakey," I heard her tell him. Isaiah slide his hand into the waistband of my jeans and I flinched at his cold hands. He pulled back to look at Mace, then looked back at me. "Are you going to blow me or what? Because I think our fries are ready."

Poor Jakey. He could have learned so much tonight if only the fryer had been on a different schedule and I'd eaten breakfast and lunch.

Ari was already eating by the time we got back to the table. He always smells like cat piss and toast. I leaned towards Mace and inhaled a tiny bit. Could have sworn I smelled toast on her.

Later, when I was ready to go but nobody else was, Isaiah pounded his fist on the table, making other people look over at us. "Somebody better blow me tonight!"

Ari and I waited while Mace blew Isaiah behind a parked car. He told me everyone was talking about it. I shrugged.

"It came out of nowhere. I mean like, nobody saw it coming."
"I know."
"Sam, everyone wants to know why. Does Josh even know why? Do you?"

Mace ran up to us laughing. "He got it in my HAIR!" We shared a joint on the way to her house. Her stepfather was there when we walked in, unpacking groceries.

There was raw cookie dough and Mace grabbed it. I followed her into her bedroom, hungry again. When I looked back at the kitchen, her stepdad was looking at me, and I waved before closing the door.