Heaven Doesn't Answer

"What would Mommy say?" It's the easiest way to decide anything and everything. She didn't look at me so much as she felt me. She'd look down at whatever she was sewing and nod and smile at me while making the seams perfect as I danced around and talked.

I wish there'd been video taken of her so I could watch. Not just because I want to hear her laugh and cough and watch her dance (oh my god she'd LOVE DWTS!) but I don't know how she thinks of the things going on now.

Every day I get asked about the Josh Thing and every day I wait for something big to happen to someone else so that'll be what people talk about instead. Somebody needs to get jumped, or dumped, or stolen from or cheat on someone.

I don't know what other people do when they don't have their people anymore. I mean, if my mom had just had a heart attack or something. My grandma would still be here, and Topher. Or if Topher had been the only one, things would be awful but not like this. It should be illegal to lose your whole family.

Everybody says you need to get a job. I got a job. Everybody says you have to save for college. I have been saving for college. But nobody discusses what you're supposed to do when your sisters need stuff. Alex is going to need camp stuff. Danielle is going to need a really expensive calculator for her school and probably a laptop. Plus her retarded phone that she won't shut up about.

Then there are all these news articles about how college students graduate with all this debt and that's wrong. But how am I supposed to not wind up in debt? Even with scholarships I'm still going to have to take out student loans so I can pay for Al and Dani and life.

Life is too hard. Where the fuck are my people to help?