I couldn't stay there. I'm not the right kind of poor person. If I had a different makeup, I could do it. I could just walk around, happy to have someone else pay for me all the time. Happy even though I wasn't able to reciprocate. Happy to just get as much as I can from him, for as long as possible. And at night, the disapproving faces of my mother wouldn't float in front of my eyes as I tried to fall asleep.
I'm like a poor person but with a blue-collar mentality. And I get slapped down every time I try to venture out of my poor bubble. It starts out fine - you go hang out at a park, but then someone always gets hungry and wants to go get something to eat. The weekend skiing trips that happen a minimum of once a month. For the last time, no, I'm not afraid to ski.
What are you doing tonight? Going to grease a doorman to get into this club that will serve anyone. Oh, well you have fun while I go home and try to create dinner for my sisters out of a green pepper and some moldy cream cheese. Everyone's going to brunch Sunday morning; come with us! Sorry, I have to sit at home and go through the newspaper to cut out coupons and then write out a shopping list based on what's on sale.
Every day I was saying no to everything that costs money. And then eventually people just stop asking. I can't stay there. I can't be the one that everyone else is always carrying. Especially because most of the time everyone else was usually Josh. The fucked up thing is that's not even the worst part.
3 comments:
I completely understand. I'm broke all the time - and can't even come close to living the life styles protrayed on tv to be normal. And I often turn down offers to do things because it costs money. And I feel guilty because when I do go out, most of the time someone else pays my way (usually an older sister).
I agree - it's no fun to feel like a moocher.
And don't worry, you're going to go out with lots of guys. Not all of them will be as great as Josh was to you - but some will be much better! ;-)
i have started to answer to this twice, but i can't find the right words. things keep going wrong in my place and i can't seem to concentrate on coming up with the right words.
i think i understand what you mean about not being able to stay there. although i'm broke now pretty often i have never been in your shoes - dependent on others to pay for stuff. but i think i understand.
i think you are very brave. and i hope eventually you'll want to tell us the worst part.
You know Sammy - WHEN things turn around for me - you'll be one of the first people I'd like to help. I admire your spunk, although you make snarky comments on my blog. People have said to me, Who is that girl and why does she come here if she hates it so much? I say..you just don't understand. :) Off to surgery. I am so scared. H
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