Back and Forth

As always the tv is on. Some reality tv show where cameras are in an emergency room in the South Bronx, here. We watch the sirens on tv and listen to them outside at the same time. There was a fancy rice on sale over the weekend so we got it and Alex followed the directions tonight and we ate it and it was good.

My nightlight was a purple pig and it got turned on before the big light got turned off. The door was left open the width of a hand sideways. You'd think I wouldn't have been able to fall asleep hearing the noise down the hallway, but the laughter and talks lulled me to sleep every time.

Dani is the future doctor who can't stand the sight of blood. The tv show has a guy whose cheek got sliced open in a fight, and she freaks out. There's only a tiny bit of fancy rice left, in a faux Tupperware for whoever gets to it first tomorrow.

The door creaked open and a body stands in the doorway, blocking most of the light from the hallway. I pretend to be asleep, but am excited to smell the leather jacket combined with Eternity. Because it only means one thing - Topher. I roll onto my belly and wait.

Alex doesn't cry anymore when it's her night to cook dinner. She begs us to stay in the kitchen and keep her company, talk with her. It's a trick - she just hopes we'll wind up helping her. Sneaky little shit.

Topher grabs the covers near my feet and throws them up in the air, letting them settle without wrinkles. He sits down next to me and rubs my back while we talk. My grandma, who I spent the most time with in those days, always talked to me like a little kid. But not Topher. He would tell me all his grownup stuff. Things involving changing the oil on his friend's car, liking a girl who was flirting with someone else, how many donuts he ate that day.

Aunt Elaine always bitches about our dinners - she has since we got here and tried to explain what we eat. I'm surprised her eyes havent' fallen out of her head from all the heavy duty rolling. She eats whatever we make and also has a snack while dinner is being cooked. And after. And into the night. And bitches at us about how we cost her way too much money in food.

When I was first learning to read, Topher would draw letters on my back with his finger for me to guess. When I got better he promoted me to words. Sometimes Topher would come over just to say good night to me. I felt special and even now if somebody rubs my back it relaxes me really fast and puts me to sleep.

When Dani passed a pair of shoes down to Alex and she got bad blisters, Al came complaining. Danielle sat down today after school to inspect, and pronounced blisters, but wouldn't fix. That was my job. Alex sat on the bathroom counter while I fixed her foot up, trying on all my lipsticks.

During summers Topher would come in late at night and whisper to me. "Did you already brush your teeth?" The right answer was no. Saying yes would just get me a kiss with a "Good girl" and he'd go back out. Saying no meant a piggyback ride out to the front stoop, where italian ices would be passed around and the big girls would french braid my hair and tell me how cute I was.

Tonight Alex asked me when she can have her own lipstick. I don't know. Maybe next time I have extra money I'll get her flavored lip gloss once the summer starts. Sixth grade is totally old enough. Besides, I don't want her stealing mine.

My mom would stand in the door and pretend to be angry that I was up and out of bed so late at night. But it was an act; like she was just following the mom manual. "Five more minutes and then back to bed," she'd say frowning. But she wouldn't come back for twenty minutes. Later, when Topher had tucked me back in, my mother would come check on me, compliment my hair and ask if I had fun with the big kids. And I always did.