Welcome to my home, New York. The truth is, yes we do talk faster, move faster, do everything faster, but we're not as mean as you think here in New York. If we're rude, it's really just because we're in a rush and you're slowing us down.
When you come to my hometown, I know it's exciting for you. You've never seen building so tall, you've never seen so many people in one place, you've never dreamed of this much traffic or garbage.
But you really just must cut out this shit of coming to a dead stop when you were walking down the middle of the sidewalk. That's why everyone looks so hostile. Not because we're mean, but because we're angry you almost made us run you over. While you stopped to take a picture next to a homeless person.
You want directions to lame places like the Empire State Building. Fine. I'll give them to you. But don't ask me if I've ever been, tell me I should go, invite me to go with you, invite me to come out to visit you in Idaho.
Stop asking if I've ever met anyone famous. Of course I have. No, New Yorkers don't keep a list of all the famous people they've met in their back pocket in case some random tourist is curious. While we're talking about it, also stop asking if I know "where the famous people hang out." Do you realize how much self-control it takes to not answer you with, "In your ass"?
Another thing. Stop littering. You see garbage in the gutter, and then think it's okay to just drop stuff on the floor. No. Not okay. Stop coming all the way to New York just to go to TGIFridays and Macy's. Stop asking me if Central Park is safe. Or if the subways are safe.
You know why that annoys me? You dumb tourists are worried about going to the park, but are too stupid to hold onto your bags of precious I Heart New York t-shirts, or to put away your money before walking out of Starbucks clutching your very special because it was made in Manhattan grande latte.
Welcome to New York. Now get the fuck out of my way.
5 comments:
oh yes, i have been in new york before and even i was annoyed by my "fellow" tourists. why do people think new york is something like disneyland?
in cologne the central train station is located roughly 100 yards away and 50 steps down from the famous cologne cathedral, a monumental piece of gothic architecture. every time i go into town and leave the station by it's main entrance/exit i bump into people, because everyone just comes to a dead stop walking out those doors and seeing the cathedral.
people have already asked me for directions to the cathedral when they were standing right in front of it. the thing is so huge you can't see it when you're right next to it.
you still need ideas for nablopomo? how about telling us what your ideal future home would look like?
A million times yes.
You should keep a hundred copies of this with you at all times to hand out to tourists.
This is brilliant.
Hi could you point me to the nearest Starbucks?
Hmm, I've never been to NY, and I know it's a much different pace out there... But damn a lot of that is what pisses me off about tourists out here (San Diego). I think this may be the first post that makes me actually WANT to visit New York ;)
Hahah. This made me laugh about loud. I knew you'd have something to say about it! Thanks for the laugh.
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