Long Live Leftovers

It's not that Josh's mom gave me a bunch of leftovers to take home. It's more like she took enough to feed her family for one more day and then gave me ALL the rest. I walked out with two heavily packed bags. Actually four, since each bag was so heavy she double-bagged them both.

We are not buying food this week. Okay, maybe we'll buy a dozen eggs, but that's about all. That's how much food I came home with. Good thing we like turkey and stuff(ing).

Planning Ahead

By tomorrow I will have been on antibiotics for over 24 hours. In the last two weeks I have been asleep more than I've been awake. Danielle has been working my job and her job. She has been getting half of my paychecks. I have not been to school in three weeks. For all I know skinny jeans are over. For all I know Angela hooked up with Yael's boyfriend finally.

Tomorrow it ends. I am tired of being tired. Since yesterday I have been practicing being a person. Only taking one nap a day. Having Danielle wake me up when she's leaving for school. Showering. Getting out of the house for a walk each afternoon.

Tomorrow will be huge. My plan is to get up, get breakfast, take medicine, rest. Have Alex make pumpkin muffins for us to bring. Shower and do hair, then nap. Get up, get dressed, check on muffins, rest.

Get to Josh's, present muffins, eat, take medicine, rest. Eat dessert, explode, go to bed, collapse. It's going to be a huge day.

So. Many. Drugs.

I have a double ear infection and pneumonia and bronchial asthma. And lots of prescriptions. And lots of sample drugs. This stuff better kick in super-quick, because I have a big Thanksgiving going on.

Aunt Elaine has been saying that I'm not really sick - that once I sent in my college applications I stopped caring about high school - but now she has to stop since a doctor said I'm definitely sick.

Every day I am still napping at least three hours but now that I have drugs I am hoping that each day they'll make me feel a little better and my plan is to be back at school on Monday.

Thank Yous

Dear Friend of a Fire Family,

Thank you so much for the things you dropped off for us. It was very nice of you to drive over from Queens and give us things from your family that you don't need any more.

I can not help but wonder if you knew that we are three girls, our ages, or anything about us. It seems like you do not, based on the things you gave. Like how you gave us an American Girl Doll that has a weird crusty spot on her shirt, a throw-up smell, and half her hair hacked off.

Things like this always confuse me. Let's put aside the fact that Alex has not played with dolls since she was like seven. What I don't understand is looking at something, deciding it's garbage, but then deciding "No, let's give it to poor people. They'll appreciate it."

May I speak for the poor people? We appreciate being thought of. We appreciate like ... the time you took out of your day.

We are not desperate. I mean for money, we are. Food? We will always be happy to take free food. But really, garbage? If it's something you were initially going to throw in the garbage, thank you but no thank you.

It's not that we're ungrateful, but even poor people have standards. If something smells like throw-up to you, it will smell the same way to us. I know some people think that poor equals dirty (I haven't figured out why this is yet) but we are not dirty. Yes, Aunt Elaine hasn't showered the entire time we've lived here, but that's her. My sisters and I are very clean. We shower every single day. We do laundry every week. We will skip meals before eating food out of the trash.

Having gotten that out of the way, Danielle really appreciates the two velvet dresses. One is a little too short but she plans to wear it with jeans. Also, we will use all the t-shirts as sleeping shirts. Just as soon as we wash them to get the throw-up smell gone.

Thank you again,
Sam

Crush!

I can't stop laughing. Alex admitted finally that she has a crush on this boy Rico. Everybody knows of him. Everybody. Because when he was at his stop, instead of just getting down normally, he backed off a bus and fell on his ass doing it.

He'd be cuter if he weren't so stupid.

Please Feel Very Sorry For Me

I am going on three weeks of being sick. Poor Danielle entered the slave world when I forced her to go to my diner and work my job for me. Luckily they are corrupt enough and know Danielle well enough that they were fine with her working instead of me.

Even Aunt Elaine waddled over to stand in the doorway looking at me. Okay you know how sick I am? I am so sick that when Aunt Elaine told me I better not get HER sick I didn't even have the energy to roll my eyes. That's how serious it is. Everything makes me tired. Even thinking about doing things makes me tired. If I get up enough energy to make a snack then I am too tired to eat it.

I am feeling very sorry for myself in case you couldn't tell. Please also feel sorry for me.

Enough Already

This is week two of being sick. I have missed tons and tons of school. Today I think is the deadline for college apps and I only got two in so I guess that's it. If I don't get into either of those schools then tip big, because I'll just go be a waitress. And if you grab my ass I'll cough in your food and make you die from whatever I've got.

Giving Up

I officially applied to two colleges. Sort of thinking I'm done. Maybe if I had somewhere to lay everything out in neat piles. Maybe if a grownup was helping. Maybe if it wasn't so complicated to apply. Or if I could have taken like a week off from work.

Guess if I don't get into one of the two I'm fucked.

Bring On the Lox!

Danielle got a job!  The bestest kind of job! She got a job at a bagel place - she will work Saturday afternoons and Sunday mornings.  This is perfect for her - she will still be able to go out Friday nights and still have enough time to do homework and study.  

Also this job is perfect for us because helLO!  FREE BAGELS BABY!

The three of us have agreed that we will only get jobs that involve perks in the form of free food or clothing, and jobs that don't involve uniforms (so no fastfood).  

I am thinking about applying for a job at Old Navy.  It would pay more than hostessing.  Plus our clothing situation is not going well.  And if you work at Old Navy you can get a discount at ALL their stores.  We could shop at Banana Republic!  Okay not really, but definitely the Gap I think.  

Alex has no winter coat right now - the handmedown one she had ripped straight down the middle where there's no seam so I can't fix it.  I guess she wasn't lying when she kept saying it was too small.  Aunt Elaine saw it happen and she was really surprised.  We are going to make Al ask her for help tonight.  There are really cute peacoats at Old Navy and they are having a big sale.  

For now Alex is layering like a mofo with a long-sleeve shirt, sweatshirt and then another sweatshirt but this will not end well.  At some point she will lose one of her layers or someone will steal one.  She needs a real jacket.  

Our Mother Is Dead

That's mine. I own it. It belongs to me. It's mine to give out to other people if I want, when I want, how I want. Not when it makes things easier for them. Not when they wonder. Not on their timetable.

If I HAVE to have it, then I GET to own it.

Sometimes I am tired. Sometimes I am not up for questions. I am not up for the looks. The lame-but-meant-to-be-nice statements. At least she's in heaven now? What the fuck good does that do me? At least it was fast? It seems fast to you because you watch a video on Youtube that is one minute and eighteen seconds long. No. The reality is that it was much longer.

Sometimes I am happy and want to stay happy and telling you my mother is dead will take away my happy. Sometimes I am sad and telling you my mother is dead will make me sadder than I can handle being. Sometimes telling you my mother is dead will make me cry and it's not a convenient time to cry. Sometimes I don't feel like being treated like I'm special, like I'll cry at every moment. Sometimes I don't want to answer your questions that come with telling you. Don't tell me Aunt Elaine must miss her very much. I stopped caring about her feelings years ago. Don't tell me "you poor thing." I'm NOT a poor thing. I'm a person and I have people who love me and because it has to be, that's enough.

Our mother IS dead. But she's OUR mother. Not yours. So I especially don't want to tell you only for YOU to cry to me, for ME to have to comfort YOU. Because she's not yours to cry over.

Screw Different - You're Weird

Danielle is angry that Alex skipped into seventh grade. We have always liked our three-years-apart spacing and Alex screwed that up. Now Danielle wants to skip into 10th grade and have me skip into college to even things up again. Not going to happen. For now she has to stay in ninth grade.

She is working on some project with this other girl who invited her over. The plan was they would do their project, have dinner, then I would go pick Danielle up after work because it ends at 7.

Yesterday the girl told Danielle her mother wanted to call our mother first. So she gave the girl my phone number. I turn on my phone in between classes to check voicemail and this mother has left a message. Asking if Dani has any food allergies. That's really sweet. I call back, say she doesn't and the mother gets all flustered and confused and asks why I'm calling instead of my mother.

"We don't live with our mother, we live with our aunt. But I know Dani best, and she doesn't have allergies." The mother doesn't sound happy but I get off the phone with her before the last bell rings and I am late.

I go to work after school. I work. Alex shows up and sits at a table doing homework. I work. She finishes and starts reading a book. I work. Somebody brings Alex blintzes - the waitress says they got sent back for being burnt. I work, Alex eats.

I'd told Danielle we would be there between 7:30 and 8. We find the right street at 7:48 and get inside and upstairs. The mother opens the door and gives us a big smile, then a tight smile. Tells me she was getting worried. Tells me she was hoping to meet our aunt.

"We're not that kind of family," Alex tells her. The mother looks at the t-shirt Alex is wearing. It's a junkfood t-shirt - Little Miss Bossy - that was a handmedown. Does her tight smile and says Danielle will be right down in a minute.

I am tired. My bookbag is heavy. I put it down and Alex puts hers on the floor too. The mother looks at our bags on her floor. The mother frowns. We all stand there looking at each other. I ask if Danielle knows I'm there. Alex yells out, "We're here!" She is being obnoxious (obviously). The mother says she will go see what's taking so long. When she goes to the hallways and yells for them, her voice cracks. Alex and I look at each other and make faces.

I am hungry. The girl comes down the hallway, but there's no Danielle. Tells the mother Dani is putting on her shoes. Asks what about dessert. The mother turns to us. She was going to invite us to stay for dessert but it's already so late. It is?

As we go to leave the mother says she hopes to meet our aunt soon. After the door closes Danielle tells us the mother stayed with them the entire time. Picked up NINTH graders from school. Made them a snack. Sat with them while they ate. Followed them into the girl's room, sat on the bed the entire time. Danielle said she was scared the mother would want to go to the bathroom with her too.

Had the girls follow HER back to the kitchen while she made dinner. Cut up the food on their plates. Dani said she looked at the girl to see if it was weird to her, but she didn't seem surprised. Went back to the girl's room while they did more work on the social studies timeline project.

We all agreed she was weird. Danielle does not want to go back.

White House Is Getting a Puppy!

This is the best thing about Obama winning! Okay it's not. Definitely a good thing. I am so happy that we contributed to making him president, even if it wasn't entirely legal.

I can't wait to see everything Obama does as a president. I'm so glad Sarah Palin isn't going to be in charge of anything at all that's going to affect me and my sisters.

I Want to Just Give Up

I just got told tonight that college deadlines are not like real deadlines. It's not like paying bills where you just make sure it's there before the deadline. You are supposed to send your applications in as soon as colleges allow and they start accepting people RIGHT AWAY. FUUUUUUUUUCK! I thought they wait until the deadline and then start going through all the applications. Other people have already sent in their applications.

This is so hard. This is way too hard. I am going to be a waitress. You don't have to go to college for that. I have a good ass - so that will get me good tips.

Aftermath

I don't know why but seeing so many black girls dressed up as Hannah Montana seemed really funny to me. Josh's sister lent me her cheerleader uniform and I put my hair in a ponytail and was a cheerleader. Totally unironically I was drinking pom juice for half the night.

We went to three parties, mostly to see what other people were dressed as and get good candy. I showed up at work dressed up and they didn't mind which was good because I didn't bring regular clothes to change into. Remind me to never do that again - for my entire shift during the dinner rush people kept yelling, "Yo, Cheerleader! When's our table gonna be ready?" The only funny part was that I gave out a different cheerleader-sounding name to everyone who asked what it was. Mostly, any name that ended in an "y/eigh/ie" sound. Kristy! Ashleigh! Courtney! Stefanie! Trinity! Oh and it was also funny when a family would be waiting and the kid would whine so the mother would say "Go ask the cheerleader how much longer," and as the kid started walking over to me, the dad would call out, "Her name is Abby!" and wink at me. Like, hey I'm a good guy because even though you're in the service industry as a lowly hostess I remembered your name. Whatever.

I am back at home now and only got smacked in the face once for being such a whore, sleeping at a different boy's house every night, probably getting knocked up, and don't come crying to me when you need an abortion! Alex used to freak out when Aunt Elaine says stuff like that and now she is so used to it that she just rolls her eyes and walks away. I hope she really doesn't think deep down that I'm slutty.

I miss the clean air and the quiet and the calmness. Tonight though I know I will sleep so much better.