Danielle is angry that Alex skipped into seventh grade. We have always liked our three-years-apart spacing and Alex screwed that up. Now Danielle wants to skip into 10th grade and have me skip into college to even things up again. Not going to happen. For now she has to stay in ninth grade.
She is working on some project with this other girl who invited her over. The plan was they would do their project, have dinner, then I would go pick Danielle up after work because it ends at 7.
Yesterday the girl told Danielle her mother wanted to call our mother first. So she gave the girl my phone number. I turn on my phone in between classes to check voicemail and this mother has left a message. Asking if Dani has any food allergies. That's really sweet. I call back, say she doesn't and the mother gets all flustered and confused and asks why I'm calling instead of my mother.
"We don't live with our mother, we live with our aunt. But I know Dani best, and she doesn't have allergies." The mother doesn't sound happy but I get off the phone with her before the last bell rings and I am late.
I go to work after school. I work. Alex shows up and sits at a table doing homework. I work. She finishes and starts reading a book. I work. Somebody brings Alex blintzes - the waitress says they got sent back for being burnt. I work, Alex eats.
I'd told Danielle we would be there between 7:30 and 8. We find the right street at 7:48 and get inside and upstairs. The mother opens the door and gives us a big smile, then a tight smile. Tells me she was getting worried. Tells me she was hoping to meet our aunt.
"We're not that kind of family," Alex tells her. The mother looks at the t-shirt Alex is wearing. It's a junkfood t-shirt - Little Miss Bossy - that was a handmedown. Does her tight smile and says Danielle will be right down in a minute.
I am tired. My bookbag is heavy. I put it down and Alex puts hers on the floor too. The mother looks at our bags on her floor. The mother frowns. We all stand there looking at each other. I ask if Danielle knows I'm there. Alex yells out, "We're here!" She is being obnoxious (obviously). The mother says she will go see what's taking so long. When she goes to the hallways and yells for them, her voice cracks. Alex and I look at each other and make faces.
I am hungry. The girl comes down the hallway, but there's no Danielle. Tells the mother Dani is putting on her shoes. Asks what about dessert. The mother turns to us. She was going to invite us to stay for dessert but it's already so late. It is?
As we go to leave the mother says she hopes to meet our aunt soon. After the door closes Danielle tells us the mother stayed with them the entire time. Picked up NINTH graders from school. Made them a snack. Sat with them while they ate. Followed them into the girl's room, sat on the bed the entire time. Danielle said she was scared the mother would want to go to the bathroom with her too.
Had the girls follow HER back to the kitchen while she made dinner. Cut up the food on their plates. Dani said she looked at the girl to see if it was weird to her, but she didn't seem surprised. Went back to the girl's room while they did more work on the social studies timeline project.
We all agreed she was weird. Danielle does not want to go back.
3 comments:
You're right...it's weird. My wife or I don't follow our daughter around and she's only 6...and we've probably given her free time on her own for at least 2 years as long as we're still in the house and can hear her.
And she even cut their food? That's embarrassing. She's not doing her daughter any favors.
Seriously WEIRD...my oldest is 10, she comes home with stories similar to that sometimes, I've even had to defend how we parent to other moms...we encourage freedom, thinking, accountability...you know we're trying to prepare them to be adults someday right!
You're doing a really good job Sam.
I'm like Danielle in appreciating the spacing.
In the end, we learn how weird this mother's behavior is. But before that, she showed she is sweet, and her confusion seemed understandable, if naive, as it simply doesn't occur to many adults in traditional and intact families to even consider that something like your situation might be your situation.
When asked about your mother, there are good reasons to be uncomfortable answering, "Our mother is dead." But I think this situation really called for it.
If the woman's discomfort when confronted with a situation that didn't match her expectations was so apparent, she seems like the type who needed the situation spelled out for her clearly and simply. I bet things would have been cleared up immediately had you told her, "Our mother is dead. The responsibility falls to me."
I think the vagueness about not living with your mother and the reference to an aunt without explanation that the aunt does not act as a motherly stand-in, necessary because she would assume she does, confused her further. Without specifics, she was left with more questions, and though she couldn't imagine your actual situation, it seems she could imagine all sorts of situations in which you three were "no good" and up to something.
Too bad she couldn't judge you favorably. Less strong girls would let this experience affect how they think of themselves. I am glad you know otherwise.
When you are legally your sisters' guardians, at least you will have that legal language on which to lean should the need arise.
Blintzes, yum. The diner really does well by all of you.
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