Away Again

We get a week off for President's Week - it's in about three weeks. Craig told me Monday that his wife and he agreed they'd love to have Alex back that week. I'm sure Alex would love it, but I haven't told her yet, and told Craig I'd think about it.

We treat living here like the Army - we leave no (wo)man behind. Malaika and her family are going to Florida or Mexico or someplace warm that week, and Dani wasn't invited - I think when flying is involved it must cost too much. It's not like Danielle has a passport anyway.

I already told work I can do a lot of shifts that week. They are real sticklers for not letting me work too many hours when I have school, and following all those laws. I just like the free food. Aunt Elaine keeps telling me I'm going to get fat eating so much, but she's wrong. She would know that if she asked what I eat. Or if she paid attention to the fact that I bring home cookies and don't eat any myself (cause I eat like three while I'm working, but it's okay because they're small so that's like the total of one).

Anyway if I work all that week it would leave Danielle home by herself too much. I asked her today if she has any friends who are staying home for the week who she could stay with. She got suspicious right away and asked why, where am I going, but I don't think she believed me when I said nowhere.

This is why everyone should only have one kid. China was smart. Then other siblings wouldn't have these problems.

Toby

I have to leave in like two minutes, but first I have to say: I have a huge crush on this boy Toby. Holy crap. Back in the Brooklyn days, my mom did clothing for his parents and sometimes his nanny brought him to pick things up, or my mom would take me to his Upper West Side place to drop stuff off.

This afternoon I took Alex to a birthday party in the city and then was wandering around to kill time before picking her up and ran into Toby. He is all growed up now and GORGEOUS! He's so fucking hot! We chatted for a little while on the street and then he asked if I wanted to run into Starbucks and catch up so we did. Toby bought me a hot cocoa and we talked (okay, flirted) for an hour. He's really ... charismatic and smooth but not in a slimy way. Ugh. I am so freaking smitten.

All day since then I can't stop thinking about him. I love my boyfriend I love my boyfriend I love my boyfriend. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Baby Borrowers

There's gonna be this new show called Baby Borrowers on tv soon. It's a reality show where like these teenagers who want to be parents are given babies or toddlers to take care of for a while so they'll realize how hard kids are and they won't get knocked up.

I guess it's because there's that writer strike that all the reality shows are coming out now, but this is the dumbest thing ever.

It makes sense that some kids need this - maybe if Jamie Lynn Spears had gotten to take care of a bratty kid for a while she would have taken more care to not get pregnant. I read that taking birth control pills are 98% effective when they're taken properly, and that most of the time when people get pregnant even though they're taking them it's due to human error.

Maybe I'm nuts but this seems stupid - not every single thing needs to be on tv for everyone to see. Okay I have a blog, but I get to pick and choose what I share. Plus, only seven people read it, and that's way less than the like, hundreds of thousands of people watching reality tv shows.

Like Super Nanny. How come these people aren't embarrassed to have their bratty kids shown to everybody? Why don't people want privacy? Is it because I share everything with my sisters that I want privacy? Is it because sometimes I really do have dreams where when I take a shower I don't have to listen to somebody talking?

Why does everyone want to be on tv? What's wrong with me that I don't?

What's It Like Where You Live?

Here's exactly what it's like where I live. Classy, ain't it?

Two Day Tuesday

There was no shrinking yesterday because of the holiday, but Craig stopped by work before the dinner rush so I had time to talk with him for a while. One of the waiters asked me if I was cheating on my boyfriend with this married man. Ew!

Josh met me at the end of work - he'd brought me a hot chocolate and walked me home. It felt really nice. Then Danielle ruined it by meeting us outside. She wanted to talk with Josh so I went up by myself. I think she needed boy advice.

Alex has to do an oral report tomorrow that's about what's going on in Jena that she wanted me to listen to. Aunt Elaine was in a mood, she muted the tv and listened too. While Alex was giving her speech Dani and Josh came up. He just walked right in behind Danielle and sat down next to me.

Al's eyes got really wide but she kept going. At the end we all clapped. I think by tomorrow she'll totally have it all memorized and won't need her index cards. Alex asked Josh to stay and he said if it was okay he would. Aunt Elaine mumbled that she didn't care, and un-muted the tv, so we took that as a yes.

Josh and Al made fruit salad and we had dessert and watched American Idol. It was so weird and normal all at the same time.

Done For the Weekend

there are no favors granted here
to a girl like me

keys are held tight
cans are not kicked and bottles are not thrown

after school dance classes are rigid and unforgiving
dirty hands are never dirty and not wiped off on jeans

and to the people here
with their Chloe Paddingtons bags
and professionally manicured nails
worried about blowouts
and fancy spring break trips
pleased with their impressive choice of boyfriend
and stores they shop in

what you suspect is true
I hate your fucking guts

i hate your low-rider jeans and poor choice of lip liner
your cellphone charms flashed to flaunt your horridly unimaginative vision
of life
a life that carries all of your preciousness
a story told in cell phone photos
desk hutches and shadow boxes full of precious trinkets
making out in your bedroom
things in the bottom of your backpack
your arrangement of nail polish
and makeup from Sephora

I will smile silently next to you while we take prep tests
and say hello in the hallways
tell you when you drop your metro card
and for all my benign courtesies
you will return no favors

you will murder me slowly prancing around wearing cashmere sweaters
and you will remain indifferent

Cutting

I think I'm cutting school tomorrow. Just too tired and don't have it in me. My throat started hurting REALLY badly in school and it was so hard to stay in class. I wanted to cry. There was nothing after school today and Josh and I were going to hang out but I didn't feel good enough. We went back to his house and I got in bed. Josh was doing homework for a while and then asked if I'd be mad if he went out.

I don't even remember saying no - just his mom waking me up at like 7pm or so asking if I wanted some soup for dinner. I tried to say no thank you but I'm not sure it came out. When I felt something cold on my face it woke me up - Josh came back at 11 and was touching me with his cold hands from outside. It felt really good and I pushed my head against Josh's hand. He said I have fever and brought me soup.

Why does it feel so fancy to eat food in bed? Josh's dad came in and sat with us and he said that sometimes when you need a break and don't take one your body does it's version of screaming at you to make you notice and listen.

That's why I am thinking of taking tomorrow off. Josh said his parents won't care if I stay here all day, and his mom will probably even offer to make me breakfast. I'm glad there are no tests tomorrow. I want to sleep forever.

Worlds Colliding

Craig can't see me tomorrow, so he asked if I was available today instead, otherwise he'd have to skip it. I told him there's work today, and we arranged he'd come to the diner at the end. Except I forgot that Josh was meeting me and we were supposed to go to dinner after work.

What wound up happening is that Josh was sitting at a table waiting for me when Craig showed up but I wasn't ready to leave, and so they sat there talking to each other. Without me there. I kept sneaking looks at them and I could see them going on and on but couldn't hear what they were discussing. I did not like that at all.

Then I got a really deep paper cut from a book of checks and was bleeding and bleeding and couldn't pay attention to them anymore. The manager came over and made me fill out this accident form because I got hurt at work.

When I finished I went to sit down with them and then realized Josh couldn't get out because I was blocking him. We just sat there bullshitting, and this gay waiter came over and offered us all pie. I kept waiting for Josh to leave and Craig to start the shrinking but we just kept eating and talking. I didn't really get what was going on.

Then Josh got a call and wanted to go outside and talk so he went to the lobby or something and Craig told me he sees exactly what we like in each other, and that we compliment each other very well. I asked him what they were talking about and he smiled and was like, "Ask your question." I said I did and he told me to try again, so I switched it to "Were you guys talking about me?" and he said they weren't. I hope he wasn't lying.

Craig asked how my finger was and if I have more bandaids at home, because you could see blood through the one I had one. And that was it. I bussed our plates and said goodbye and we just went outside to find Josh. Craig shook his hand and left.

I was kind of ... I did not like it. I was very uncomfortable. I wanted to talk to Craig about the slut thing. Bummed out.

Maybe I Did It Wrong

Last night I smoked weed with my friend. It was my first time but not the first time I've been around it. I'm thinking I did it wrong because I didn't feel like acting the way all the other people who smoke up act. There was no point where I stared at the ceiling and laughed at nothingness. Nothing weird happened when I waived my hand in front of my face. I had no trouble walking.

It kind of made me feel a tiny bit more mellow but not a lot - just like, yeah things that pissed me off still did but that was okay, and Kimber and I ate a second dinner and then snack and then we went to sleep and that was it. It was perfectly nice.

What am I missing?

I'm a Slut

Figured I should tell you in case you didn't know. You know, in case you want to slap me across the face too. Want to know what I do that's slutty? When boys lend me their sweatshirts, I give them back. What a fucking ho.

All last week I've been looking for that boy and haven't been able to find him. Today Alex called me to say she found him and he lives in the next building over and he'll come pick up his sweatshirt. I wrapped up an extra big cookie at work to give him as a thank you and went home.

Alex told me she arranged we'd meet in the lobby since he just lives next door but nobody was there so I went upstairs. When I walked in he was just standing in the living room and Dani was staring at him and Aunt Elaine had her Glare of Death look going.

So I said hi and went into my room to get his shirt and made a really big point of thanking him for lending it to me last week and making sure Aunt Elaine heard exactly what we said. The guy left and she totally bitched me out and said I'm slutty and going to end up with AIDS and pregnant and I'm very sorely mistaken if I think she's going to take care of me because she's not and I told her not to worry - I will never make the mistake of thinking she'll take care of me since it's always the other way around.

I'm so pissed. I always get so embarrassed when she says I'm slutty in front of my sisters. I left and now am at my friend Kimber's house and we are going to smoke a joint and watch Garden State and I'm sleeping over. Ugh, and at some point I guess I should eat some food so I can take my medicine too.

Now THAT Is a Dinner

We went to our fire family dinner tonight and it was so good. I wanted to just stay there and eat all their food or something. Why haven't I ever eaten salmon before? They had this fancy rice with it and steamed vegetables and a fancy dessert. Alex didn't like the dessert but I don't care.

The wife is a fire fighter and she told me that because her husband is involved in tax season they traded with somebody else in case it gets too busy for him - they didn't want to have to cancel later on.

It was fun for me and Dani, but not so much Alex. She finally just went to lay down on the couch by herself. I think she was hoping we'd feel bad and make it more fun for her, but no luck.

The dad said he will email me the recipe for salmon to me. I hope he doesn't forget. It was the best dinner I had in a long time. I hope fish isn't expensive.

No Titles

I am waiting to get shrunk today. So is Danielle. Alex is just waiting for us. She is under strict instructions NOT to ask Craig if she can come sleep over one weekend, even though she wants to "very hugely badly." I told her if she asks I will never let her come with me again, and instead I'll dump her at home after school to spend time ALONE with Aunt Elaine. Hopefully that will scare her into not asking.

We are all still in a big fight with Aunt Elaine after the dinner debacle Sunday night and she is still telling us not to make dinner each night. So every morning I make lunch and then just take extra food we can have for dinner that we keep in our backpacks. I am sort of hoping I can tell Craig what's going on and he'll get all upset on my behalf and be like "This is unacceptable!" and go make it change somehow. But I really think if he does anything Aunt Elaine will get really angry and if she takes away breakfast we'll be screwed. Even though that's kind of not realistic because she's never up in the mornings when I leave. But maybe she's get angry enough to start getting up? I don't know.

I told Danielle she has to tell her shrink about Sunday, and I'll tell Craig. Alex asked who she gets to tell. Can you need a shrink to discuss how upset you are that you don't need a shrink? That's Al.

I am going to ask Craig to call Aunt Elaine anyway because Alex needs money for gymnastics, otherwise she can't go when classes start again next week. I told her to ask but she's scared to. Maybe I should ask him to call in the morning, so Aunt Elaine has all day to get over being angry before we get home. This week has seriously sucked ass. Last night I was dreaming that I was in this huge building that had huge rooms and each room looked like a bank. People were making me walk along the tiny counter but it was much higher up than normal counters are - like 30 feet off the ground.

Somebody was behind me and she was supposed to be helping me, but she kept pressing my back down really hard and I kept saying, "Please stop - you're going to make me fall" over and over but she wouldn't stop and there were all these FBI people walking around and they wouldn't help me either, and I kept trying to walk but it was so hard and I had to step over those chained pens and I wished I could start a small fire because then firefighters would come and I knew they'd help me the right way.

What Dinner?

After shrinking, Alex and I headed home. But we didn't really feel like dealing with being inside, so we waited for Dani outside. When we got upstairs Alex ran into the kitchen to get her snack and Aunt Elaine screamed at her.

"Get out of the kitchen! I'm still furious at all of you from yesterday!" Alex had an apple in her hand, so she walked out with it. Danielle slammed the door and we have been in our room since then. We all had an extra helping of vitamins for dinner because it was the only food-like thing in our bedroom.

I am staying up until Aunt Elaine goes to sleep so I can go in the kitchen and make some sandwiches and take more fruit and stuff. I'm working tomorrow so I can eat dinner at work, but I don't want my sisters stuck not having snack and dinner again.

This is not turning out to be a good week at all.

Smack

Danielle has been kind of attitudey to all of us since she got back from her precious skiing trip (which she talks about non-stop). "Malaika's parents cooked dinner or we went out every night - I never had to do anything more than set the table." "Malaika's parents let us watch whatever WE wanted on tv, even if they were watching something first." "Malaika's parents never yelled at us the entire trip."

Dani even asked me the other night how can I stand being here, living like this, and dealing with Aunt Elaine when she knows I know how different it is in real homes. I don't know. I can't sometimes. I mean, that's how I wound up PINS and with a shrink and on probation and all that shit.

This weekend we were trying to go through all our clothes and reorganize. We are forever reorganizing in the hopes that it will magically give us another four feet of space that wasn't there before. It never works but we can't seem to stop trying.

We got two piles going in the dining room under the table - one for clothes that are in such bad shape they need to be thrown out and one for clothes that
can be donated to someone smaller than Alex. Everything was totally out of the way.

Aunt Elaine has a thing about that she doesn't want any of our stuff anywhere but our bedroom, but since she never sits at the table anyway since she eats all her meals in the chair in front of the tv, I figured to just have two piles under the table for one day would be alright.

No. It's not. Even though this morning she saw Alex putting stuff under the table and asked what she was doing. And Alex TOLD her it was just until tomorrow and she would barely even notice it. But no. Tonight Aunt Elaine started screaming about how our shit is all over the place (when it's not) and she can't stand it anymore.

And Danielle just flipped the fuck out. I had no idea she had all that cursing in her! Totally cursed out Aunt Elaine (totally saying everything Alex and I feel) saying she does absolutely NOTHING for us, that we do much more for her than she does for us, that she acts like we're a total inconvenience without considering our feelings, that she's ALWAYS complaining about us but never helps make anything better, how when she was in and out of the hospital we went to see her every day and she never even thanked us, and how we are always running to the drugstore for her and all she ever says is what took so long but never thank you, how we cater to her and cook all her meals and clean up from them and she never cooks for us even when we're sick, and bitches about how much food we eat, and just on and on.

Danielle kept rocking forward on her feet and I seriously thought she was going to punch so I kept yanking her shirt from the back. But every time Dani said something, Aunt Elaine flinched and her face got red, like she KNOWS she sucks, and she knows everything Dani was saying is totally true.

So Aunt Elaine started screaming back about how we're all so ungrateful and we've ruined her life and she hates kids and we never shut up and we're always interrupting her (what, and then she misses 30 seconds of her precious soap?) and costing money. She said really mean and nasty things and they were so freaking loud.

And then Aunt Elaine smacked Danielle across the face. And she got so angry that she went to leave. Alex started to run after her, but Aunt Elaine pulled her back, but not in a nice way and she slammed into the wall. I shoved my hand between Alex's head and the wall at the last second but it was still a hard hit.

Craig told me a while ago that in families siblings have roles. And my role is the loud obnoxious one who demands what we need, Alex's role is the cute baby who charms people into what we need, and Dani is totally overlooked, and one day she would blow, and do something that totally demanded attention. That's why he said she needed a shrink.

I guess he was right because she definitely flipped out tonight. After Alex fell into the wall she ran to our room crying. I waited a few minutes and then got my jacket and Danielle's and went to go find her. I couldn't think of where she'd go - she's never out this late at night by herself so I was wandering around the streets for like 15 minutes. Some Puerto Rican guy came up to me holding Alex's hand and was like, "Is this yours?"

Dumb baby walked out to follow me without a jacket. The guy was like "it's too cold out for her; you should give her that," meaning Dani's jacket that I was holding. Alex told him no, it was for our other sister. So he took off his jacket and sweatshirt and gave us the sweatshirt, saying to find him tomorrow to give it back.

I put that on, gave Al Dani's jacket to wear and held my jacket for when we found Danielle. As Alex and I kept walking she took my hand and we started having this whole crazy talk about how people think New Yorkers are so mean and scary but they're really very nice and isn't it weird how wrong people are. All while we're wandering around for Danielle. I knew she couldn't have gone far away because she didn't take her Metrocard or any money.

We walked around for almost an hour. Alex kept switching sides to hold my other hand to warm hers up but both our hands still wound up freezing. Danielle looked calmer but still really angry when I found her where I work. Alex asked me for a hot chocolate and I thought this was sort of ... a special occasion so I got us each one. Dani just sat there and didn't say anything and glared at the wall.

Al switched to Dani's side and put her hands around her mug and laid her head on the table, looking at Dani. I didn't say anything for a long time because everything I thought of sounded retarded, like my idea that we should move to California (I just think I'd like it there). Finally I told Danielle everything she said was right, and she nodded at me and started drinking her hot chocolate.

Going home it was after 11pm and Alex was tired so I piggybacked her home and she's asleep still wearing her clothes. Aunt Elaine was in her bedroom with her door closed. Dani is laying next to me right now playing with the hem of my shirt. She said she is too angry to sleep. If my mother were alive we wouldn't have to go to school tomorrow.

I don't think we're going to last here until I graduate. Not even if I leave right at the end of that June instead of waiting until the end of August.

Early Morning Work

I love sleeping. It's like my favorite thing to do. Having to get up early for work totally sucks. Except that when I leave in the afternoon, it's freaking awesome to know I've earned some money, eaten a meal for free, done some homework, and still have the rest of the day to do stuff.

We have like five piles of clothes on the floor because we're trying to go through everything and get rid of the old stuff that doesn't fit and can't be donated. I made Alex throw out all but two of the catalogs she got advertising stuff to buy for Christmas.

Work is kind of fun, except for the grownup sleazy men. Nobody treats me like a kid. Nobody talks down to me. I get to be in charge of things. I get to play with lots of money. The owner is really nice. The waitresses are funny, even when they're in bad moods. I'm going to get fat from having a hot chocolate or two or five every time I work but that's okay.

Sometimes when people come up to pay their check they talk to me about my homework or when they were in school. Did you know in the olden days you could go to a CUNY school for less than $200? A whole bachelor's degree.

You know what I noticed? It's only the sleazy guys who tell me to stay in school and not get married and knocked up. The nicer ones just talk to me about college like it's a given that I'm going.

You know what else is good about working? They put a platter of cookies on the counter near the register for people during the dinner rush. When I work at night, I get to take home the extras!

Super Nanny Asks

We watched Super Nanny tonight. The one where the two teenage girls called her because they've been taking care of their three little brothers and doing all the work around the house.

That's like us, but without the little brothers or parents. They made a list of who does what chores. It inspired me.

Makes breakfast: everyone makes their own
Makes lunch: whoever thinks of it makes it for the other two usually
Makes dinner: me if I'm home or Dani and now Alex once a week
Sets the table: Alex
Clears the table: all of the three of us
Cleans up dishes from dinner: me or Danielle or both will wash and dry
Brings in the mail: Alex
Goes to bank: me
Pays bills: me and Aunt Elaine kind of looks over my shoulder
Makes shopping list: me and Aunt Elaine
Goes through Sunday newspaper and cuts out coupons: Alex
Goes food shopping: me or Dani with Alex
Puts groceries away: whoever didn't go shopping of the three of us
Throws out garbage: me or Dani
Puts in new bags: Alex
Makes beds: none of us do
Does laundry: me with help from either Al or Dani
Folds laundry: me with help from as many people as I can find
Cleans all mirrors and the tv: Alex - she likes spraying Windex and asked for that job
Cleans bathroom: me
Dusts: me but not often
Vacuums: we don't have one here so it's never been done yet but Dani used to
Cleans non-carpet floors - one of the three of us a couple of times a week but Alex is not good at it
Cleans out refrigerator: me once a week
Makes ice: Aunt Elaine fills the trays and leaves them on the counter for one of us to put in the freezer for her.
Puts away clean washed dishes: one of the three of us
Takes Alex to school: Dani
Picks Alex up from school: me or Dani
Ironing: me but only like every two months
Washes and puts back on sheets: I put our stuff in the wash and then we all re-make our beds every other week. Aunt Elaine only changes her sheets like every three months or so. Alex can't put her sheet on without help.
Waters the plants: whoever notices they're getting dry

Back To Normal But Better Dressed

Danielle is back (also with new clothes) and I feel better now. Seriously I was having chest pains the entire time she was away. When we were going to sleep last night Dani asked if I was mad at her for not missing us more. I think it makes sense that when somebody goes away they're not as sad as if they stayed home and somebody else left them.

They went to an outdoor outlet mall in New England and Dani and Malaika got a lot of stuff. Dani came home with four pairs of jeans and sweaters and waffle shirts and socks and two pairs of pajamas. Alex is so excited (because these clothes will become hers when Dani outgrows them). I am secretly excited because I plan to borrow some of the shirts. And pajamas. And socks.

We went through all their clothes today and made a pile of clothes to give away and one to throw out. Some stuff is so bad, and falling apart, we can't even give it away to anyone. We even cleaned out the drawers with paper towels and stuff so the new clothes will stay extra clean.

Danielle came home with a new jacket today from school. Malaika got two new ones on her trip and gave Dani her old one. It's a red peacoat with black buttons and Dani looks really grownup in it. Not as scruffy.

Aunt Elaine is saying that with all these new clothes there's no need to go clothing shopping at the end of spring for summer clothes. But that's bullshit because Alex and Dani got winter clothes and you can't wear a sweater when it's 98 degrees in the city. I told Craig today (and gave him Alex's thank you note) and he said that we'll wait until the spring to fight that battle.

Alex is making dinner. I think she is immature and babyish and we have been letting her get away with not having to do things because she's "the baby" and as of yesterday, am making her do more stuff. So now she has to make dinner once a week all by herself. The only thing she can have help with is asking questions on how to make things. I can hear her banging around in the kitchen. Last night I cut up carrots and other veggies. I hinted to her that there's a leftover starch in the fridge she can make that will feed all of us and there's only one portion of pasta but can't tell what she's making. This shouldn't be too hard.

Alex cried when I told her, and asked if she has to clean up too. Damn straight. Why should you get to just set the table and stir things all the time when Dani and I do all the cooking and cleaning up? Danielle is happy about this, and asked if it's a late New Year's present for her. I think it's kind of a present for both of us.