Last night we sat down with Josh's parents to show them our list. Me and my sisters sat on one side of the table, and they sat at the other end of the dining room table. They looked at our list. They pointed at things on the list to each other. They made faces at each other. Danielle crossed her fingers and pressed them onto my leg as a reminder for me to cross mine too. She found a blanket that is black, white and purple that she fell in love with, but it's expensive. Alex loves everything you show her, and is super easy.
Laurie and Tom didn't seem happy about the list. I tried to read it upside down to see what we could take off. After a few minutes Tom cleared his throat and told us he felt the list was "woefully incomplete." Alex asked what that meant. "We left out a lot," Danielle told her. "In that case, I want a fish tank on a shelf over my bed, and I want a loft bed and I want that ball you use to make homemade ice cream, and I want a welcome mat, and I want a special blanket that's just for snuggling on the couch, and I want a shoe organizer!" Alex announced.
Laurie said we can definitely get a welcome mat and Alex can get a shelf over her bed. Alex doesn't own enough shoes to need a shoe organizer. Tom told us that he can see we were trying not to get too much and while he and Laurie appreciate our efforts, they have planned for this and assumed they'd be buying a lot of household items. I was so hugely uncomfortable with the entire conversation I put my head down in my arms on the table. Laurie suggested that she and Tom add some ideas on the side of our list and we could go over it.
This morning I looked at the things they added. Spaghetti tongs, bath mats, scale, hamper, placemats, paper towel holder, mixing bowls, nesting bowls (I don't even know what those are), serving platters, vases, bread baskets, serving utensils, towel sets (they suggested a different color for each of us so we can easily keep track of which towels belong to which person), and bunches and bunches of other stuff.
I told Danielle this morning that I don't want to do this - it is too hard and so awkward. So she is going shopping tonight after she finishes mother's helpering to buy stupid things we don't need.
7 comments:
Your idea of needs and their idea of needs are different. They see this as an opportunity to help you begin a new chapter in your life.
i totally agree with amber. i really am feeling for you right now and can totally see how you feel uncomfortable.
they want you and josh and your sisters to have what you need (and yes those are things that you do need when cooking and living in a home). they have the experience of knowing what items are needed and want to help you. i'm curious and if you want to share, what is it exactly that makes you feel awkward? that it costs a lot, or that someone is finally paying attention and yes buying things that you do need?
because the way i see, it having four people in an apartment will require many things, especially with a guy living there and things are not going to be the way you lived with your "aunt". as you move forward with your life, you will see that it will start changing for the better.
i realize that you are making a quick jump from your previous life to this new lifestyle. but really what is your alternative? to live on your own and raise your two sisters alone or at least with josh's parents, you are receiving support, beyond financial, i can hypothesize too
this is simply my opinion and i'm just offering another view of things...i was on my own after my parents died with my sister and brother and we were lucky enough to have a caring neighbor that helped us morally and emotionally and we survived...many times people come into our lives for reasons we don't initially understand and i believe his parents are in your lives for a good reason :-)
Hahahahaha, Alex really does read too many catalogs, doesn't she?
Seriously, though, I'm very surprised. I had figured Josh's parents would want to add more items, but I thought those items would be the next layer of necessities -- a pasta strainer, more sharp knives, juice glasses.
But the things they added are indeed the first level of luxury, really. Well, except for the mixing bowls; I had thought you'd need mixing bowls too but figured you thought the regular bowls could serve double duty, like the mugs for glasses and the one sharp knife only and I assumed straining pasta awkwardly with a fork or a pot lid.
I believe nesting bowls, by the way, are sort of like mixing bowls, a set of seven or eleven glass bowls in sizes from very small to fairly large that nest for easy storage that can be used for a variety of uses -- mixing, storage, serving, food prep -- according to size.
It is wonderful that they want to set you up with a comfortable household, but it's a shame how uncomfortable they are making you. I had thought the way Josh's mother had asked about getting you bedding was very sensitive, but I'm not sure what to think about this newest installment. I can't stand how nervous the situation at the table caused you to be, sitting there so formally, thinking they were angry that you were asking too much. What kind of faces were they making at each other? And I wish they had really praised you for your sensible frugality. You really had put so much thought into that list!
I had originally thought most of the items you would be buying, though, that Josh's mother had asked for permission to get for you the bedding but the rest was just helping you think about what you needed to buy.
Weren't you originally saving in part to purchase the items yourself, before living with Josh and all the help from his parents came into the picture?
The reason I ask is that I have an idea: Maybe the items that you feel you three need, the smart list of the very basics, the items that you would be getting if Josh and his family were not involved at all, you can get yourself, with your savings. You get to keep control, you get to have the final say on what really are necessities. Then, anything beyond that -- the bedding, the towels for Josh, all the extra items Josh's parents added -- you can accept as gifts, not as items others declare to be necessities so that you then feel in debt for "needing" to accept them, but as luxuries bought for you as gifts. Would that make sense?
Are you still having appointments with Craig? In the past, when you've been feeling the way you describe you felt when you had to put your head down on the table, you've mentioned needing to talk with Craig. Josh's parents have only good intentions, but they are involved, while Craig is there just for you and understands your whole mindset from knowing your history and approaches to matters so well. I hope you get to speak with him, if you want to.
Or is it too late for these ideas? You say Danielle is going shopping tonight.
I am relieved that Danielle is taking some of the responsibility off you, I must say. You were doing so much on your sisters' behalf by the time you were Danielle's age; she is certainly old enough to be doing some of the adult tasks that have been falling to you.
And Danielle's black, white, and purple blanket sounds very cool.
I hope these thoughts have helped in some way.
It's just scary. What if they all of a sudden say we should pay them back? What if Josh and I break up? It is just all too big, too much.
Sam,
While you are making the list, remember that you are making a list not only for you, but for Josh as well. Of course they plan to equip his and your apartment with more than the bare minimum. They care about him. And they care about you and your sisters. They want you four to be comfortable.
Your discomfort with the situation is understandable. They are going to spend more money than you would or could to make your apartment a home. Just remember they can. And I can say with great certainty, that the stuff that they purchase for you and your sisters comes with no strings attached. They would never ask for you to return the money they spent. Nor would you be obligated to do so even if they did. A gift is a gift.
Remember this, they did not have to let you stay with them. They could have let you figure it out your summer plans on your own. They let you move in because they do care about you and your sisters. And the stuff they are purchasing for you three is an extension of that care.
You certainly deserve this care and compassion. Accept it for what it is. It will be OK.
As Silent Mike added, they care, and it's a level of care that has been very absent for you for sometime. I can only imagine the happiness it must bring them to know you are letting them into your lives and talking their shower of attention with such aplomb. I agree that I don't think repayment is ever going to be asked for. From the kindness you always show, I'm certain after your move that you and your sisters have already settled to write personal notes of thanks to them both. It seems they want to help, they enjoy the opportunity to be a great part of you and your sisters lives. I can empathize with your concerns and fears, you've had so much experience with loss and cruelty from others that it would odd if you weren't anxious about all of this.
As always, it seems as if you are handling it graciously. I'm glad Dani is pitching in, and the list Alex gave was so funny, it's nice to see her be a kid when given the chance:)
Take care!
Huh, that's true, isn't it; a few items may be gifts to you and your sisters, but most of the items are what Josh's parents think they should be buying for his new household, which happens to include you and your sisters.
Post a Comment