Josh's mom called this morning, apologized for the last minuteness of it and asked if I would meet her for lunch.
It was really embarrassing when she said it was clear I was upset the other night. She asked if it was because I would have rathered be at a fire family dinner. It wasn't. I felt awful. Josh's parents are so good to me. There's no good excuse for being a brat to them. I apologized. Josh's mom asked if she could suggest something and would I say whether or not she was on the right path.
She asked if maybe I was angry at Josh's parents because my sisters respond so positively to them and perhaps it makes me jealous, that I feel that response should be reserved for me. That I don't want to see them being happy to be getting attention from "real" parents. W.H.O.A.
Josh's mom said I didn't have to answer her, that it was just something to think about. Then she said there was a different question that she would like an answer to - would I be her yoga partner at a yoga place twice a week. She signed up thinking Josh's sister would go with her, but she won't, and now she's paid for two people and needs a second person.
So I am rude, and then instead of being punished I get offered yoga. Sometimes I do not understand people. I said yes - we are going to go one morning during the week and one day on the weekend.
5 comments:
Wow. That woman sounds pretty damn cool.
She's treating you like she would a daughter. That's damn awesome. I'm glad she's there for you.
Perhaps it's one of god's treats for you after everything you've been put through?
Sam,
First I want to tell you that I found your blog less than a week ago and have read through the entire archives practically nonstop. You are a very engaging writer and, more than that, the daily story you have to tell is tremendous. I have an incredible amount of respect for the strength and wisdom you display. Having this window into your world for only the last few years has made me wonder, though, who took care of you all earlier on? Were you taking Alex to nursery school when you were 10? Or was your grandmother still alive then? (I'm sorry if this type of question is too personal -- I just tend to wonder about practical details. I'm also so blown away by your ability to manage on your own, but at the same time you made reference to a time in the past when you weren't so "together". I'd appreciate any answer you want to give but completely understand if you'd rather not at all.)
As for your post yesterday, I'm glad I read it before commenting on the previous one. It seems that every time you (understandably) let your hard-grown independence get in the way of accepting help, either practical or emotional, for yourself or your sisters, you are blown away by the tolerance shown to you by the people who are trying to help. It leaves me smiling sympathetically…because although unfortunately you didn’t seem to see it that much (with the exception of your wonderful fire families) until you encountered Josh and his parents, so many people really are good and kind and understanding. I’m sure that one of the reasons Tom & Laurie are worried about you is not only because they know it must be hard to do all that you’ve been doing for so long for yourself and your sisters, but also because they see that it’s hard for you to adjust to having other people caring for you and for them. If they didn’t care, they might have been offended by your being a bit rude or standoffish, but they obviously do and so they’re willing to give you a chance to adjust, to let them into your life.
You know, it’s completely understandable that you have such a protective wall built up emotionally around Alex and Danielle, but you probably realize deep down that it’s not so reasonable to say at the same time “I’m not their mother and I’m not going to relate to them like a mother, but only like a sister” and also “What are they doing appreciating parental attention from someone other than me?!” It may be your approach to say that if you can’t have your own mother you don’t want that kind of care from anyone, and although you might lose out because of that outlook it really is your decision. It’s not so fair to deprive your sisters of the same, though. For what it’s worth, I myself have two live and loving parents with whom I have an often-difficult relationship, and I have greatly benefitted from relationships with a few other people that have had a surrogate-mom or surrogate-dad flavor to them. I don’t think it’s “cheating” on my parents to have support from friends who are of their generation rather than mine, and from what you’ve described of your mom I very much doubt she would think so either.
Wishing you all the best, and looking forward to continuing to hear about your journey…
I'm glad that not only do you get Josh in your life, you get his loving, involved, caring parents. That's some deep stuff.
If you think about it, this past year has been a really big transition. Like, you survived the war zone, but now you all have to figure out how to live in the peace afterwards. And that can be almost as hard to navigate, in totally different ways.
Awesome beautiful, insightful comments to an awesome beautiful, insightful situation.
Yay!
and very cool about the yoga.
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