At least four or five times a week I think of Aunt Elaine. Sometimes it's when I am laying in bed and look at the bedroom floor - all clean and pretty without piles of clothes and papers to step over to get to the door (yes, a fire hazard). Or when it's 7:59 and one of my sisters goes running into the living room yelling she wants to watch something, and we grin, knowing we can watch whatever we want living here. Or when one of us wants to have a friend over, so we do. Because we can. Sometimes it's when I start to go hide a really good food so it will be there the next day and then remember I don't have to do that anymore. Any time something goes wrong with any of us - whether it's us getting in a screaming fight with another, or one of us breaks something or is late, or loud, or uses the last of the conditioner. And we just deal with it. Nobody winds up getting slapped in the face.
It's only about once a week that I just wonder how Aunt Elaine is. If she's taking her medicine right and re-ordering it on time so she doesn't run out. Hell, if she's getting it. If she's following the instructions I wrote out for paying the bills on time. Or if she's laying on the floor dead for days.
Sometimes I feel bad that we left Aunt Elaine by herself. Then I tell myself to get over myself. Because we are kids. And she couldn't have really needed us. She lived for like decades by herself without us. And I think of how she said right before I left how Josh was just using me. How I was such a slut and he would just knock me up and dump me for a nicer girl who is classier. That I was fooling myself to think anyone but her would put up with the three of us. That no boy wants to live with two little girls unless he is molesting them, and I was dooming my sisters to be abused. That I would fail out of college before the first semester ended, and would be a waitress for life.
When I remember that, I hope she is laying there dead. Dani doesn't care. She was old enough and disliked enough that she doesn't care either way about Aunt Elaine. Alex was the only one of the three of us Aunt Elaine liked (in her own way), so she sort of liked her, even though she didn't trust that - it didn't get her very far. But she's asked me a few times if we could find out. If we could go visit.
Alex asked again tonight. I don't know what to tell her. Or what to do. I don't want to give Aunt Elaine the satisfaction of knowing we've thought of her at all. I feel kind of guilty just walking away and never checking back. But I know if we go to the Bronx one day to visit Aunt Elaine will just scream at us about something or other, until we leave.
4 comments:
Your Mom would be proud-I wish my daughters will be as thoughtful and true with themselves. You've done so well, made so many awesome decisions. Wish I would have been as steady as you at your age.
You own her nothing, but perhaps your sister needs one last visit to really put the nail in the coffin, so to speak?
It really speaks to how amazing your Mom, brother and grandmother were that they gave you a foundation that was strong enough to survive those years with Aunt Elaine. She tried to pull you down to her level and it didn't work. Well done. Really.
I was thinking that, when you're ready, it might be good to have some closure. To see the old with new eyes. It will help you not to feel guilty, and Alex to say goodbye.
In your place I don't think I'd ever want to see that woman again. But maybe it would make sense to go with Alex to the building and wait just down the hall while Alex goes in to see her. Not to be cowardly, but because 1) if Alex is the only one with a desire to see her, she can, but why should anyone else have to? And 2) you always said that Elaine was nicer to Alex because she was the youngest and she liked her a bit -- so it stands to reason that she has the greatest chance of going in there and not being abused. And Alex will know that however the visit goes she can come out at any time and you'll be right down the hall waiting for her.
I sometimes wondered about Aunt Elaine since you have been out on your own and doing well.
It amazes me that the love and strength that shines through from your Mom, Brother and Nana was for whatever reason not bestowed on Elaine.
And from time to time, even tho it is none of my business, I do wonder what made her so mean and crazy.
I like Alisha's suggestion, but also wonder what awful evil negativity would come from opening that door. I am reminded of a saying about abuse---"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can break my heart." And there is no doubt that Elaine was/is incredibly abusive.
Please know that whatever you decide we all stand behind you and send you our (cyber) support.
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