Some people build houses

to make a difference. I go to sleep early (or attempt to) and try to eat all the meals to make a difference. Josh asked if I would go on vacation with him if we did Habitat for Humanity, so it would be like a working vacation. It makes me feel like he doesn't understand my vacation issues at all. Tonight I asked Danielle if she felt like she'd be okay if I left her and Alex home alone for a while, instead of having to find a place for both of them to stay while I go somewhere with Josh. His parents have let them stay a bunch of times, but I feel bad and don't want to ask.

Danielle is 16, you'd think she could stay home without me for a few days right? Josh really really wants to go on a vacation with me. He said something about how it will make me a whole different person and he wants to see what I'm like as a relaxed person. By December 1st, I have to ask Arnie for a week off from work when Josh and I are both out of school. I think it will be better to leave my sisters home alone while their schools are still in session so it means we can't go anywhere the week between Christmas and New Years. It's really important to make all the details fall into place. At the start of the summer when we were talking about the holidays Josh said he doesn't want anything from me for Chanukah except to go on a vacation with him. Then on the way home from our apple-picking weekend a few weeks ago, Josh told me again that's all he wants. He couldn't drop any clearer hints if he wrote it down and handed me a piece of paper.

So I guess going on a real vacation needs to happen. Today I went to the post office to find out how you get a passport. I'm not poor anymore. I mean, I guess most people have the backing of a family and I don't, but we don't get food stamps anymore. This year I haven't been embarrassed about any of my clothes, not even once. It still makes me nervous to grab lunch at a corner store, but I have a feeling that even if I won the lottery and became a gazillionnaire I would still get nervous every time I spend money.

People like to think poor people are poor because of bad decisions, not because of circumstances. I think it makes them feel safer - that they don't have to worry about being poor because they will make better decisions. Sometimes it's true - you can be poor because you were an idiot and made bad money decisions. It's really easy to tell which type of person you're talking to. We weren't poor when I was little, but extras were ... infrequent and small. We'd all split a milkshake, for example. I've always thought that certain things were for Other People. Like passports. They're not for my kind of people.

Josh has tried to argue with me about this - he thinks every opportunity is for everyone. Maybe if everyone acted that way then I'd feel that way. But when you're given other people's worn and stained clothes and expected to be happy about it? You're being told exactly what your place is in life, and it's not in first class. When people find out you've eaten at a certain restaurant and express surprise you've been there? They want to ask why you're not getting your food from a food pantry and eating Spaghetti-O's or something. It makes me not want to let people know things. It makes me want to over-explain myself.

So when I walked into the post office and told the woman I wanted to start the process of getting a passport? I was totally prepared for her to say, "For you?" She didn't, of course. She didn't say I don't deserve to leave the country. Didn't say I should be saving my money for other, more important things that are less frivolous. She just slapped a form down and told me what to bring back in a monotone without any eye contact.