Monday, January 24, 2011

Attached

During some point during the Florida trip I got over the New Bedding Shocker of 2010. Before that every night when I walked into our bedroom it would startle me all over again, seeing something I didn't expect to see. Then I was in Florida, where I assumed everything I would see would be different and when I came home, it was just no longer an issue at all. It stopped mattering.

Maybe I am one of those people who always has to have a problem? Fuck I hope not. But maybe I am because ever since we got back I have been ... well missing does not even seem a strong enough word to begin describing how much I've been craving my mommy.

When the Florida trip was happening, I talked to each of my sisters at least once a day, sometimes twice. You know how sometimes when you're leaving the house you stand in the doorway making sure you have your phone, keys, everything? Sometimes even after you've checked you still have that little feeling you've forgotten something? That's how I felt each day in Florida when I'd talked to both of them.

Because I was having fun and we were busy I kept pushing it aside. Although now, thinking back, there was a lot of double and triple-checking that I'd taken my birth control each day. In the back of my mind though, I always felt like I was missing something.

When we got home it was such a relief to be with my sisters and know how to get places again, but my mom was just ... it was totally slamming into me. Every night since, it's slammed harder and harder into my chest and this morning I climbed into Danielle's bed hysterically crying. In the fall it will be ten years, and even though it's not a shock anymore it really does not hurt any less. Whoever these people are who claim the hurt lessens as time goes by are liars.

There are like hundreds of books about grief and dealing with family members deaths and moving on. I've read enough to know all the suggestions. Give yourself time. Is a decade enough time? Keep busy. Maybe I should get a third job? Maybe there should just be a one-page book that says, "The truth is, it will hurt forever, and it will hurt so badly you will be surprised the pain doesn't strike you dead. Sorry."

You can learn five thousand ways to say your mom died when people ask about your family. You can perfect the response so it doesn't make people uncomfortable. You can put up pictures and wear her jewelry and use her hand lotion. But if it doesn't feel better by now, I don't think it's ever going to. The idea of having to spend decades and decades feeling this way makes me want to kill myself to avoid it.

14 comments:

~C~ said...

Oh, Sam. My heart aches for you. I recently blogged about losing my dad to cancer, and I know it's not the same scenario but losing a parent is painful, no matter what. It's only been 3.5 years for me and there are days when I feel just like you have described here. Longing to hear him, see him, etc. Do you ever dream about your mom and wake up happy for a moment that you got to talk to her? Whenever I dream about my dad, that happiness is quickly replaced by a lingering sadness that it wasn't real and I can't go back and relive it all again. Ugh. I don't have any advice to give you, not that you're asking for it, but I just wanted to say I feel your pain. Big hug.
~C~

Kizz said...

When you feel it it sure doesn't feel any better. But you feel that intensity a little less often. Doesn't make it feel better. Just doesn't. So sorry.

Lisa said...

I'm sorry you're missing your mom so intensely now. Hugs.

Lyndsay said...

I'm so sorry Sam.

Lil'Sis said...

I too have no words of wisdom, only that I feel your pain from the loss of my dad and my sister...she died in a horrid accident it will be 25 years this August...it just does suck and i'm so sorry you have to feel it so intensely , lots of love and hugs going out to you.

kateypie35 said...

I am so sorry. I really can't imagine the pain you deal with every day. The only thing I can say is your Mom would want you to live, to enjoy life as much as you possibly can, to find things to smile about - despite the constant pain.

Karen said...

Please call your therapist and talk about it.

Keeping busy and distracted might be useful in the short term, but dealing with your loss and growing to understand how it has changed you is important.

Perhaps your sadness hit you so hard right now because you did something so new and grown-up and you want to share it with your mom. I think that's totally normal and I think you will always miss her hard at times like this.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

Anonymous said...

It doesn't get better. You get used to it, is all. The times you get un-used to it is when things change.

The worst for me was after my children were born--no mother to ask for advice or to come take care of me. Or when my friends have babies, and I see their mothers swoop in and just wrap them all in love and cook and clean for them. Jealous doesn't describe it. I just go home and cry.

Anonymous said...

Sam, I cannot imagine how you are feeling, and I know that you are not a Christian, but I read a book recently that may help: Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. It is just a thought and may or may not help you. Either way, you'll be in my prayers.

Nina said...

I'm so sorry Sam.

OTRgirl said...

I think that's what happens over time. The day-to-day missing gets manageable, but no matter what, when a major life event happens, there's a HUGE Mom-shaped hole that can never be filled by anyone else.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

Yankee, Transferred said...

Oh, Sam, I am so sorry. The overwhelming loss is just devastating. Any big change will re-open the wound of sorrow, I know.
Hang in there.

RC said...

Sam - it's understandable that you are still missing your mom. I don't know that anyone ever gets over that loss. It's the time between the aches that increases. I wonder if it is worse for you because you were ripped out of your entire life when your mom, brother and grandma died. You didn't have an adult left in your life that was nurturing you. I think about you often and, as I'm sure all your readers are, cheering you on from the sidelines. We all want you to succeed.

Mizasiwa said...

It would be great if those books were just honest about it too. It never goes away!! i think you should maybe think about doing some therapy like you said you cant actually get any busier than you are now or have been. And when your busy you dont think about whats right there. Im the same. its those moments that just overwhelm you. Maybe a therapist would help you deal with the pain - unfortuatly that doesnt sound right... but you do need to learn how to work with the pain - until now you have been too busy!! Good luck i think of you all the time.