Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Sex talks are so much fun


Alex: what would you do if I came home pregnant?
Me: really? I'm still sweating from the train.
Al: No really.
Me: Fine. I'd kill you.
Al: No you wouldn't!
Me: Yes I would. I'd kill you, then resuscitate you, then kill you a second time so you were clear the first time wasn't a mistake.
Al: You'd be killing an innocent baby!
Me: Tough shit - the baby should have known better to fertilize in a uterus it's not allowed to be in.
Me: Dumbass, if you're big enough to have a baby, then you don't get to also BE the baby. The baby becomes the real baby.
Al: Would you really kick me out if I came home pregnant?
Me: Are you pregnant right now?
Al: No!
Me: Then yes.
Al: You are so mean.
Me: Yeah, I'm such a bitch for wanting my high school sister to avoid getting pregnant.
Al: You should be more gentle about it.
Me: Seriously?
Al: Yeah.
Me: Fine. If you come home pregnant, I will very gently kill you. Gently, but quickly, because I don't want you to suffer, which is why I don't want you to get pregnant.
Al: You just don't want YOU to suffer if I get pregnant.
Me: Shorty, if YOU get pregnant then it is YOU who has to suffer. That will not be my problem. It will be yours. 
Al: But you wouldn't help me?
Me: I HAVE helped you! I AM helping you now, by telling you to not get pregnant.
Al: Oh.

She says these things just to fuck with me. But I really would kill her if she got pregnant. I would not be above having my rich boyfriend relocate me to Canada to avoid getting arrested for it.

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