Tuesday, July 1, 2014

First comes love

Aside from the money issue there's one other issue that makes me hesitate when I think of marrying Josh. He wants kids. "Not a lot - no need to become the Duggarsteins - but just like two or three." Umm ... two or three is about two and a half too many. I'm totally down to have a dog.

The thing is, I could be okay with having a kid if we had a boy. Of course there's no way to guarantee that unless we adopted an already-made boy. Josh does not want to adopt a kid. I just feel like with my sisters, I'm over girls.

We are at an impasse on this. Josh has this sister who basically left the family and nobody has spoken to in years, and although he never talks about it I know it hurts him. That's why he wants three kids - so if one pulls what his sister did, the sibling won't turn into an only child. Though, what are the odds of that happening?

I don't want to get married until this is sorted out. As a potential solution I suggested that if a girl pops out, we should just switch with someone who's had a boy and is disappointed. Josh is adamant that we need to raise a baby that's had our genes mashed together.

The other thing is, I have been going so aggressively for so long that it's hard to imagine sitting at home with a baby. At the same time Josh's solution - a nanny - would never feel comfortable. My deadline for working all these things out is a little over seven years from now. By 30 I want to be finished having any kids we may have (or adopt).

In sum, our two big issues are money and kids. The two issues that drive people apart. So yeah, the future is looking great.


Suzanne said...

You've already raised three children (including yourself!), no wonder you don't want to rush into having another.
Honestly, you need to let up on yourself a LOT. I don't know of ANY 23 year old women who are planning babies. You need to spend the next 7 years having fun, traveling, learning what it is just to take care of yourself and not two other people. It may be time to have your sisters think about moving into their own apartment, maybe in the same building?
Give yourself until you are 35 or 40 to make your decision about children. If you choose to have them, you will adore them no matter their gender. If you choose not to have them, you will have a wonderful life that way too.
Too much pressure, Sam! Tell Josh the truth. You love him, he would be an excellent father, you don't know right now if you want children and he is taking a risk by marrying you that you might never want children. It is a decision he will need to make knowing you don't have a solid answer right now.
There is no reason on earth why you need a definite answer right now. You don't know and that is okay. It would be convenient if you did know but life isn't always convenient.
Go do something fun and stupid. :) You're young, you just started your career...you won't get these days back.

Karen said...

Gah, please don't wait until you are 35 or 40 to decide to have children. Most women's fertility decreases dramatically after age 35. I started trying to have a baby at 32, and finally gave birth at 37.5 and 40 after spending $$$$$ on fertility treatments.

Otherwise, I agree with everything Suzanne said. Get your sisters out of the house. Spend a few years on just you and Josh and then revisit this discussion.

Anonymous said...

I don't think raising your own children will be exactly like raising your sisters. However, I also agree that you need to spend a few years having some fun alone with Josh. You need a break from being responsible for the two girls.


Anonymous said...

Definitely figure out a way to have a few years with just you and Josh in the house, but also don't wait until it's too late! I think you'll gain a whole new perspective on whether or not you want children once you're allowed to be a "child," so to speak, for a few years without being responsible for your sisters.

Abby said...

Also, (agreeing with everyone else that you're too young to worry about this/35 is too old/stop taking care of your sisters before you start taking care of someone else) don't worry too much about being over girls. Your mom wanted all boys, right? She loved you all anyway, and you'll love whatever you get too. It sounds like it comes down to "I am sick of taking care of other people." Let yourself not do that for a while before you even think about kids. You can have kids when you're 30! 35 is pushing it but 30 is usually fine.

Suzanne said...

LOL! As a 40 year old, I can't say that I am all dried up yet!
The real point is, don't give yourself a timeline. Wait, if you're 35 and still on the fence, that says something. Who knows, you might wake up at 28 and decide that you cannot live another day without mixing your genes with Josh's. :)
Either the time will be right and you will want children or you will go along happily and never want them. You don't need to know now or in 7 years. If you wake up at 40 and regret not having children, you can try then. It might be harder to get pregnant and harder to have a healthy child but what is the point of having a child you are not sure about just to make sure you can have one "easily?"
Do what is right for you. Be honest with Josh. Stop putting yourself under so much pressure!