This is not new information at all. She has consistently made me feel all alone. Like everything was on me. My mother used to read over my book reports and make suggestions so they would be better. Aunt Elaine wouldn't. She wouldn't help to test me on my spelling words. If I got stuck on a homework question Aunt Elaine would say, "Do I look like a teacher?" or "That's not my job."
I sort of knew how to cook, but not really. Like for a kid, I cooked great, but for a person feeding herself and two sisters, not so much. Everything Aunt Elaine made came from a box from the freezer. A lot of it had MSG. When we first moved in Danielle and I were horrified. A lot of the stuff tasted good - who doesn't like fried chicken? - but it made us thirsty and the only vegetables Aunt Elaine gave us was the frozen corn that came with the chicken and brownie. When Dani and I decided we couldn't eat like that, it was a huge battle. We'd go to the library after school and I would read cookbooks and copy recipes down so I could learn what kinds of fish didn't have too much mercury and how to poach eggs and that you have to pat meat dry before cooking it. In the shelf in the closet, there is a notebook filled with cooking tips, which foods are in season when, recipes, all that stuff.
Aunt Elaine was no help when we got sick. Or if we got in fights with each other, or friends. She didn't encourage us to have friends. Aunt Elaine claimed that we had each other and spending time with kids at school was enough. Craig once said that I was forced into the role of reluctant parent and Dani was forced into the role of reluctant spouse. That I forced her into that. Because I needed help. Because Aunt Elaine isolated us and then wouldn't help us.
Normally people warm to other people they know. Josh said Aunt Elaine must have purposely put effort into pushing us away. That she must really hate herself to be so hateful to us. When Alex's hair is stuck in the button on the back of her shirt and she goes to Josh to help, he told me it would never occur to him not to help. He said it's unnatural, to look away and do nothing when you see somebody needing help.
Knowing all this, I don't know why yesterday's phone call hurts me so much. I don't know why it made me cry. There is absolutely nothing Aunt Elaine ever did to make me think she would ever change or be helpful or kind to us. There was no reason at all to think once we left she would miss us. We were a three-person, eight-year interruption to her busy life of watching tv, sleeping and eating. And nothing more.
On one hand, it hurts me to my core that she never saw us as anything more than that. Especially because we tried so hard to reach out, to bond, to help, to not be too difficult. On the other hand, I guess I did get used to her way. That's the only way to explain why I was confused and surprised when Laurie called today to see how we are doing, and invite my sisters for a sleepover tomorrow night.
Why wouldn't somebody miss us? We're nice girls! We're funny and smart and not very messy. We're easy to get along with and helpful and generally pleasant to be around. I'm so hurt that she doesn't miss us.
6 comments:
You deserve to have someone miss you-we all do, but you guys more than most. Anyone who would act as she has, with no real redeming values...it's sickening. You deserve multiple Josh's in your life. :)
If you're still stumpted with little cooking things (as I am often-my mother was an amazing cook but died before passing the idiot stuff on) there's a cookbook called "How to Cook Everything" that has saved my butt many times. I didn't know how to boil eggs properly or cook beans-thankfully, he assumes we're idiots. :)
We should write a cookbook for motherless daughters with no girly skills. :)
You are worth missing.
It IS sad. She seems to be your one living relative. No matter how awful she was, it makes sense that you'd want some form of connection with her.
It's her loss. You all sound like amazing individuals.
Sam this may not be the time to ask this, but, I was wondering if you ever wrote about how the decision was made for all of you to go to your aunt.Also was she your moms sister? Any back history on her? I have been reading your blog for a few years now and have wondered how all the details worked out when you got such horrible news of your mom and brother deaths.It was so upsetting to read the level of abuse you had to survive from your aunt after having had such incredible loss. Me, as a perfect stranger would have been hard pressed not to have loved all of you. And that's just from knowing you thru your blog.Your aunt has to be so disconnected emotionally.What happened to her? Of course you don't have to answer any of my questions and I'm sorry if they set off any sadness for you but it is just so incredible that your aunt was so incapable to love and nurture,especially if she came from your mothers family,one that appeared to be so full of wonderful love. You were right to cry.You thought you could make her love you.And maybe at least miss you all. Unfortunately she has an empty blank heart. wishing you all the love you need,Susan
I too have been following your blog for a few years and it is mystifying how anybody could not miss you and your sisters. When you don't post for a couple of days, I certainly miss you.
Amen to what Susan and M said.
And you're definately someone who'd be missed wherever you went (:
This breaks my heart, even months after it happened.
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