Please Come Back!

Ma,

Remember when you were here, and I did all sorts of stuff? Like school and soccer and dance and art and piano? And how we were always having people over or going to other people's houses? Every day I was excited to come home from school to see who might be hanging in the kitchen with you, or what you'd have left on the table or on my bed for me? It seemed like a few times a week you were inviting somebody over for dinner, and like every month we were having a party about something. You told me enough bad things will happen in life that you should celebrate every good thing.

So now I have all my stuff that I want to be doing, except there's no you here doing all the background stuff so I can keep doing my stuff. If I don't do what used to be the stuff you'd do, it doesn't get done. I don't feel right when I don't do my stuff. But everybody bitches at me when I don't do your stuff.

It's a no-win situation. Josh invited me over today - he made this awesome stuff called matzah brei (brie?) that we ate a lot of, and we just hung out and watched movies and stuff. I had a really nice time.

But then I went home and I just wanted to cry. It's so fucking depressing here. It smells like smoke, and no matter how much I say it gives me headaches and Danielle says it makes her throat hurt and all three of us hate that our clothes smell like smoke, Aunt Elaine won't stop smoking (or at least go outside instead of just opening the window near the chair she sits in). Nobody else seems to do any cleaning here except me. We can never ever have anybody over. Which means we can't really go to other people's houses a lot because it'd be rude not to invite them back.

I just can't do this. I can't. I can't do my life and also do your job. Something needs to change. If Alex and Dani weren't here I would totally run away to Florida.

Dying without you, love your dramatic daughter,
Sam