Mama,
This girl Holly's boyfriend's dad died. She came to talk to me about it, even though we're not really friends. The only reason Holly came to talk to me is because of you and Christopher. She wanted me to tell her what to do. What he'd want from her. Like I'd know because it's the same when any parent dies? I was really pissed and was about to go off on Holly but then she fucking CRIED. At my lunch table!
I didn't sign up to be the poster child for dead parents. Not everybody feels the same. I'm sure there are some people who hate their parents and are happy when they die. This kid knew his dad was dying. I had no warning. Maybe he got to have important talks with his dad before he died. I can't know what she should say to him.
I am not pleased.
Love,
Sam
2 comments:
this is a difficult topic.
of course you’re not the dead parent ambassador, and you should never feel like you have to be, but it’s very understandable that someone who has never lost a loved one would go seeking for someone to tell her how to behave around a grieving person.
the sad thing is, you can’t tell. everyone who has lost someone very close to him knows there’s nothing “appropriate” you can say or do. except maybe just be there. keep your eyes open to what the other seems to need. it would be much easier if we had a “handbook to consolation”.
a weird fact is, people don’t just “hate their parents and are happy when they die”. even then some people suddenly realise with a shock that now there’s no more chance to say things that needed to be said, to get things straight.
my best friend lost her father who had treated her very badly all through her childhood. she kept asking me if there was something wrong with her, why she was unable to cry. she grieved about not being able to grieve. later she found out her father had left her kind of a message in his will that made her understand he had thought much better of her than she had thought. that cleared up a lot for her.
you see, nothing about death is really simple. that girl was certainly a little naive to ask you something like that. but then remember that you had to grow up real fast and take a lot of responsibilities much earlier than you would probably have chosen yourself. don’t blame her for not knowing what she thought you knew.
It's unfortunate that you should have to live with such a legacy. Fortunately, there are people out there who try (although many unsuccessfully) to be helpful to you and your sisters.
You have to decide what you are comfortable with. You can certainly be frustrated. Do understand that, for this girl, it's all very new. She's at the earliest stages of managing her grief, and she sees you as someone who "handles it." It's more of a compliment to you than you think.
Most of us would be paralyzed at the loss of a parent. I'm sure there was a time for you where you were. However, with a family to protect and the majority of your life left to lead, you've decided not to let it define you. Who under similar circumstances wouldn't want to know your secret?
You see, WE get to see the Sam that comes through late at night when it's quiet and no one is watching. The folks at school see the "totally composed, don't-let-them-see-you-cry" Sam. They think that's the real you, and it's impressive.
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