Ma,
I'm writing this from Josh's house. Last night I was in a weird mood. Not really a bad mood, but like I'd lost myself within myself and couldn't figure out where my personality was or something. It's hard to explain. It was like I was slightly bummed out but couldn't figure out why or what would make me feel better? Restless? Not a good feeling, whatever it was.
I asked Josh to give me a massage, and he looked at me all surprised. He said he thought I didn't like it. Okay, see in the magazines they always talk about how communication is so important in relationships, but they also talk about how guys never want to have to talk. So how are people supposed to know which one to follow? Because I totally did like it. I just feel weird asking people for things I don't need. Well even stuff I do need sometimes.
So we wound up talking about that, and Josh said I can always ask for a massage and that he likes doing them. That he feels good about making me feel good. Who knew? So I got a massage. It was better than last time, probably because I didn't get nervous each time Josh touched me.
Then later we were talking about weekend plans and I said that this morning I have to meet Grazel and do laundry but other than that I'm not busy. Josh said he's going to see Transformers with this kid Freddie. And that's when I CRIED. What the fuck is that?! It came out of nowhere and I was as surprised as Josh was.
Josh asked why I was crying and I said that I want to go to the movies with him but don't want to see that one. And then I cried even harder. SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING! What the hell is wrong with me?
You know that tone of voice you use with a two year old, when you're about to give them bad news that you know will set them off? That's how Josh said, "Well, you can come WITH us if you want. Or we can go see a different movie later."
So please, what the fuck is wrong with me, and how do I stop scaring my boyfriend that at any random thing he says, I'll burst into tears before he dumps me?
Love,
Sam
2 comments:
hi sam,
not to sound all too motherly, but i think you will find out in the next couple of years that communication in a relationship is not only very important but also incredibly hard sometimes. sometimes you just miscommunicate even after being together for a long time, sometimes you assume you know what the other is thinking and don’t bother to ask, then find out you’ve been wrong. some things are harder to say to a loved one than to anyone else, and then there is some stuff we don’t even want if we have to ask for them first. you’ll find your way, you’re a clever girl. but there will always be times where you wonder where communication went wrong.
as for the half-unexplained crying, that’s a thing that often happens to me when my period is about to start. could that be? i also find that often something relatively unimportant triggers an outlet of some frustration only vaguely connected to it. maybe you wish you could be spending more time with josh or that he would have thought of you first before making a date with his friend. maybe you’re giving yourself a hard time that you have to be tough and sensible and a good example for your little sisters, and than your feelings find some little outlet when you’re feeling slightly off and overwhelm you when you’re not expecting it. sometimes we just can’t be all rational. i don’t think that’ll really scare him off if he cares about you. maybe you can find out if there was something else you were frustrated about. but don’t worry. things like that happen to all of us, and it doesn’t really make us appear as nutcases.
wishing you a lovely weekend, bine
Don't believe everything that magazines say about guys. Just be cautious and use your own judgment; you'll be much better off that way. Some guys do like talking.
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