Crash

Today was a blah day at school. Nothing really good happened and nothing really bad happened either. Then there was all this stuff to do after school and I don't know if it's really going on or I've just been blind lately, but it feels like they've bussed in like a trillion tourists this week and they're ALL IN MY WAY.

Like even if I'm not in a touristy area, they've gotten lost from Times Square and are directly in my path, taking pictures of tall buildings or authentic New York kids (I always give the finger when tourists try to take a picture of me) with their fag bags around their waists and bright white sneakers they bought special for the trip.

Anyway. We get home and I had been all prepared to make a regular healthy dinner but then something in me snapped and all I could make was mac & cheese and we all ate out of the same bowl.

Oh yeah, and last night I accidentally left a candle burning all through the night. Crap.

And I think Alex is getting sick. She did something really retarted and potentially deadly yesterday and then today she banged into doorways twice and tripped up a curb. Or maybe she's about to have a growth spurt. I don't know. Something is coming.

The point is, I'm in a shitty mood. And if somebody would knock on the door and like ... hand me a present, that would be good. Flowers, fancy soap, popcorn, a hug, whatever. I just want to feel special.

A Very Money Christmas

I had hoped to be over my tuberculosis or whatever the hell this more-than-just-a-cold thing is by Monday so I could start working then, but I don't think it's going to happen. I'm still drinking Robitussin from the bottle during school and having a really hard time breathing.

But in case I ever do get better, I think I got all the tax forms filled out the right way. It turned out one is just a big worksheet to help you figure out what to write, and you don't have to fill out the entire things. Don't go getting all impressed with my smartness - Craig helped me.

I already know what I'm spending part of my money on, once I earn it. Socks for Danielle. She has none of her own, because as they get too small for her, she gives hers to Alex and borrows mine. The girl should have her own socks, just for her. That sounds like a bad Christmas present, to have to say you got socks, even though I'm going to find her cool ones. So Alex and I need to think up something else to give Danielle.

Alexxxxxxxxxxx. I want to get her pretty stationery, with her name on it if I can afford it. Personalized must be really expensive though. She likes writing letters. Danielle says that's a stupid present.

And I have no clue what to give Josh at all. I will need to be creative, because he has so much more than me. Suggestions welcome.

Hostess With the Mostess

I got a job! As a hostess at a diner. Which means I seat people and give them change for their checks. And there's no uniform. And the girl who hired me is totally cool, and said my sisters can come by, and I can do homework during down time. So yay for that.

Then I coughed and she was like "This is the food industry. You can't work here while you're sick." I thought she was going to fire me before I even started. But she just said to bring back my forms when I'm better and we'll set up a schedule. I told her it might not be until next week and she said that's okay.

Soooooo.... how the hell do I fill out tax forms?

I am so scared. What if I screw up and get fired?

The Megan Meier MySpace Thing

So here's what happened: you have to be 14 to use MySpace. There's nothing to enforce that, but it's the rule. So this girl somewhere out in the Midwest who was NOT 14 had a MySpace page. It's only fair to mention that all three of us have them - Alex mostly so she can see the pictures our friends post.

Anyway, this girl Megan Meier had this depression thing going on for a long time. She gets MySpace, and a boy friends her. She gets all happy. Then after a month, he drops her, saying she sucks and the world would be better off without her. So she kills herself.

Yeah. But the thing is, that boy was not a boy. He was really the mother of a girl who Megan had been on-and-off friends with. The mother claimed she created the fake boy so she could see what Megan was posting about her daughter.

Nothing has happened to the mother. I guess it's not against the law to fuck with someone so badly that they kill themselves. I'd call it interfering with the pursuit of happiness, but I'm no lawyer.

I have so many issues with this whole thing.

First, this girl Megan was like totally mentally unstable. MySpace is not for the meek. Really, it's just not. People write really cruel things, and if you're sensitive, it's not for you. Megan's mother shouldn't have let her have a MySpace account.

Second, Megan was reading the last message the "boy" sent as her mother was leaving to take her sister to the orthodontist. Megan's mother left her home alone, just calling and telling her to log off. Megan didn't, because she couldn't. I totally get that - when people are talking about you, you have to stay and know what they're saying. The mother should have taken Megan with her, so Megan was forced to stop reading.

You'll say "but the mother couldn't have known she'd kill herself over this" and you're right. But, supposedly Megan was crying and freaking out over what some boy who'd never met her was claiming he'd heard. If a boy I didn't know was saying that to me I'd be asking him who he heard it from, asking why he believes what somebody else thinks about me without making his own decisions. The mother says she "monitored" Megan's MySpace usage and all this stuff, approving who she could friend. As if that makes it okay to break rules, because you're watching the kid do it? No.

For me, it just keeps coming back to that Megan NEVER should have been on MySpace. If somebody left me a message saying I suck, it wouldn't make me think I suck. If somebody told me I'm a slut, it wouldn't crush me, because I know I'm not. All I'd think is somebody's getting and spreading bad info.

But I'm not that sensitive. And even though I go to a shrink, I'm not really mentally unstable. Megan was.

Also, that other mother? Lori Drew? She said she created the boy's profile to see if Megan was talking shit about her daughter. Okay. Weird, but okay. So how is telling Megan she's a slut and that the world would be better off without her, helpful to her original thing of seeing what Megan's saying?

Because if that were me, I'd have de-friended that "boy" as soon as he said that. Who wants friends who call you a slut?

I feel kind of bad for the other girl, the daughter of the mother who created the boy's profile. She'll have to go through the rest of her life knowing that because of what her mother said, a girl she'd been friends with killed herself. And I feel bad for Megan's family. Because even if they made a couple of bad choices, they shouldn't have had to have their daughter die for them.

Doctor Time?

I thought it was just the mother of all colds. With some breathing problems thrown in. And some congestion. But now I think I've crossed a line from cold to officially sick.

I can't eat - since Thursday night I've had a snack pack of apple sauce and a fudgsicle. I want someone to come suction out my lungs. Both my sisters have said hearing me breathe sounds scary. It kind of scares me too. When I cough, I need a nap to recover from it. My tongue feels swollen and there's a bump on one side. Listening to the radio makes me tired.

So I think I need to go to the doctor today before this turns into walking pneumonia. Except the thought of having to walk all the way outside exhausts me and I can't imagine how to get there.

Why can't this be the Little House on the Prairie days when doctors made housecalls?

Leftovers

Danielle and Alex wound up going to the parade. This was good for me - it meant I could go sleep in our room instead of on the couch where I had to breathe in smokey air. The worst thing about sharing a room is potentially sharing sicknesses.

Is it wrong to want to marry someone because you love their mother? It is, right? I thought so. Josh told his mother I was sick and even though she was cooking for Thanksgiving, she made me jewish soup. Josh brought it over last night, along with Thanksgiving leftovers for me, and I had Danielle meet him outside.

He also gave me really soft tissues, a box of popsicles for my throat, and some other cold stuff. Maybe I love him too.

Alex wants to go shopping today. She can't seem to tell me what she wants to shop for, and I think she just wants to get in on the shopping excitement. I told Alex I'd try to feel good enough to go out today, but I don't think it's going to happen.

When Danielle wakes up I'm going to see if she wants to take Alex into the city by herself. She will say yes and then consider being angry at me for not waking her up to tell her she can.

It is so hard to breathe that I can't sleep more than three hours in a row. Every time I wake up Aunt Elaine squints at me and says I don't look so good. No shit. Her stupid smoke only makes it worse. I actually told her last night that if I weren't breathing in smoke I'd look better. She got annoyed with me but I could tell she sort of made a little effort to smoke out the window.

I would like my mom to magically appear and make me eggs with paper flowers like she used to. She would totally cry if she knew I was living in a smokey place. I want to go home now.

Thanksgiving is Off

We were invited to one of our fire families for Thanksgiving weeks ago. But my throat has been killing me all day and my head feels stuffed with a lot of pressure.

I was supposed to go to the fire family for dinner and then go to Josh's for dessert. I called tonight and canceled both. It's not cool to cancel last minute, I know, but I figure it's better than getting everyone sick.

So Danielle and Alex are going without me. They're going by themselves but somebody will take them home at night. They were invited to sleep over and said they didn't want to. I think it's because I'm not going.

So yay for a non thanksgiving dinner with Aunt Elaine on Thanksgiving. Now I must go before my head explodes and I ruin my beautiful new laptop.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Bored, bored, bored. I have been up since like 3 am. It is too early to be up and anyway I don't have enough energy to do anything that involves getting out of bed. Alex and Dani are only bringing one thing tomorrow wait today I guess, even though they're two people. I hope that's okay. Aunt Elaine gave Danielle $10 and she picked out an apple pie that was buy one get one free. Hey maybe she should make and bring both - then it will be two things for two people. Plus also then we won't have an extra pie in the house for certain people to eat all by themselves.

Awake. A is for asleep, which I am not. W is for wakefulness, which I am. The second A is for asshole cold okay just kidding I can't do this. I am hot and cold all at the same time. All I want in life is ice pops for my throat. Whoever was the bastard who snuck into my throat and rubbed it with sandpaper is a real asshole. I am going to play on Youtube now, since I don't know what to do to amuse myself.

Sam Down

My throat is on fire. It hurts so much. Yesterday I had a really bad headache and Alex said I was breathing like I was having an asthma attack. I didn't throw up yesterday but it was awful and now I think it was connected to today's sickness.

I wish we had tea or honey or whatever people drink to make throats feel better. I can't believe I'm getting sick right before Thanksgiving. And I have to go to school tomorrow no matter how I feel because I have two tests.

Everything hurts.

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I am home now. I only spoke two sentences the entire time I was out of the house and the first one hurt so much I got tears in my eyes. Why do the little invisible people insist on rubbing my throat with sandpaper? That's so mean. My friend got me these vitamin C sucking candy things and as soon as I finish this one I am going to take a nap on the couch. Aunt Elaine told me not to get her sick. I gave her the finger after she turned around. Why don't you stop smoking so I won't get sick, ever think about that? No? I didn't think so.

Poor Barry Tessler

I'm torn. Usually when I hear about something I know right away where I stand. Abortion? All for it. Death penalty? If I had more faith in the judicial system, I'd be all for it. Gun control? All for it. But I'm not sure about Barry Tessler.

This kid from Staten Island took the same high school entrance exam Danielle took a few weeks ago. He couldn't finish his test because other kids were being noisy and distracting and the proctor couldn't / didn't control them.

This is retarded. Any kid that made noise (aside from sneezing or something) should have been kicked out right away. Dani thinks after one warning, but I say no, because everyone knows to say quiet during a test and anyway, they shouldn't need to be personally told to be quiet - every proctor reminds kids to be quiet and not look at other people's scantrons during tests, so that's their one warning.

Anyway, I'm thinking I might be on this kid Barry's side. Even though he looks like he'll be getting beat up. Guess I'm a sucker for the underdog today. But I just know how different taking a test in track 3 classes can be from taking them in a regular class. Kids *are* loud and annoying if they don't care about their grade, and they won't be quiet for other kids who do care about their grades, even if those kids are their friends.

I'm bummed about the article in the NY Post, where it says Barry bombed the test. Scores aren't out yet, so he can't possibly know if he bombed or not. Also, I think it's rude that they called him fragile. Just because he looks like a total geek and he cried ... well, that does make him fragile. But he's a kid, and they're a powerful newspaper distributed to like millions maybe, of people. It can't do anything helpful to call him fragile.
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Edited to add: Hey, all of a sudden a bunch of you are coming here about him. At this point, it's done. He's in. If he can't do it, he'll fail out. I don't think he should have gotten in the way he did. But it's over. For the Anon who's pissed that he's slow and holding back your class, that sucks.

Weekend To-Do List

1. Take Alex to tomorrow's ice-skating thing. One of the instructors came over and told me Alex was a natural and said she should take lessons. That's nice, but not going to happen.
   
2. Do homework while waiting. Did some. More to be done. Now done.
   
3. Find box to mail Layla's package. Could not find. My friend had a shoebox; now she has Layla's package and said she'll mail it tomorrow.
   
4. Mail Layla's package before post office closes. See above. Also see above.
   
5. Get to CVS before 2pm. Got there before 8 p.m. - does that count?
   
6. Throw out garbage. Didn't happen. Now it's happened.
   
7. Buy more Tide and Bounce. Done. Now it's even been used.
   
8. Do 483 loads of laundry. Not done, because #7 didn't happen until after dinner. Done this afternoon which was when #2 was completed.
   
9. Take Dani to exchange shirt for better size. Done, but she didn't find one.
   
10. Ask Josh to put Hairspray on his Netflix list for me. Done.
    
11. Buy yogurts for breakfast for next week. Done.
    
12. Make bed. Make them make beds too. Not so much. Still not done and now there's no point.
    
13. Return bad hair product and see if there's anything good for holiday presents to buy with store credit. Probably not. Not done. Maybe will do this week before Thanksgiving.
    
14. Finish homework. Not yet. Yet.
    
15. Write out notes for chem. for first half of week. Not yet. Will be done by 3rd period, plus realized there's only half a week this week anyway.
    
16. Find out from Grazel what the hell Christy was talking about. Grazel said Christy was doing tabs, so we agreed Christy is to be ignored.
    
17. Put all pieces of paper on the floor in one bag, all Alex's magazines in another one. Not done. Alex did.
    
18. Charge iPod (tonight). Not done, will do tonight. Shit. Really must do tonight.
    
19. Write out this week's meals - use up fruit. Done.
    
20. Cut up honeydew Saturday. Or Sunday. Or Monday.
    
21. Look for job. Eh.
    
22. Return books to library. Tomorrow.
    
23. Take off nail polish. Tomorrow. Whoops.
    
24. Make Aunt Elaine sign checks for the three bills I saw - see if there are others. Halfway done. All the way done.
    
25. Look for new batteries. Found!
    
26. Call Marco back on Sunday. Will do. Done. We will meet up on Tuesday.
    

Deep Down, This Makes Me Feel Better

When I was little, my mother said that I could pick a trip to anywhere and when I turned 13, she'd take me. My grandma used to tell me stories all the time about when she'd go on dates in the city with boys. They were my favorite stories and she would scratch my back and tell me about all the fun places she went while I fell asleep.

So I told my mother I wanted her to take me to Serendipity. She was smart - to ask when I was too young to think of asking for Paris or Los Angeles or someplace. All I wanted was a train ride away. An afternoon. Obviously we never got to 13, and I've never gone there.

To be honest, I kind of didn't want to go if I couldn't go with my mother. But I was like, angry at the place. For existing when she didn't. It somehow wasn't fair.

So it makes me feel a little better to find out today that Serendipity got in big trouble and was like all shut down for having rats and cockroaches and stuff. Like that makes it a little more fair in some way.

Don't worry - I know I'm retarded.

Fire Family Is Cancelled

Our Sunday dinner isn't happening this weekend. And this is one of my favorite fire families, and not only because they have a dog and a fireplace. And not only because they're Italian, and loud and have lots of food and make me feel warm. They have some (real) family thing this weekend and won't be back in time. So they suggested Thursday, today, instead. But Danielle and I have shrinking today, and Alex never wants to go anywhere by herself. So because it's already so close to weekend, it's too late for them to switch with somebody else and we're just skipping it completely.

This bums me out. Even though Jillian and Laura invited me out for Sunday. And even though Josh said he'll pick me up from shrinking so we can hang out for a while. Sometimes my bad moods are so bad that I think you could say I won a trillion dollars and I'd still be bummed out.

Thank you for listening (and not smoking).

Pagne and Nelly

They are friends of mine, and their mother is an honest to goodness crackwhore white trash woman. She applied to Jerry Springer and was rejected. I'm not even kidding.

Pagne's full name is Champagne, and Nelly's full name is Chanel. I know. Total white trash names. It's awful. Pagne is older - she's in my grade and Nelly is in 9th, but she's cool and hangs out with us too.

Pagne told me today the only reason she's doing cosmotology is so that when she goes to college she can work as a hair dresser or something when she's not in school. I almost threw up. That's a GREAT idea. Why didn't I think of that? Of course now it's too late. I am so definitely dragging my sisters into homelessness with me the way I'm going. It's almost a month after my birthday now and my SISTER has found a job (and she wasn't even looking!) and I haven't. Oh, except the offer to dance in a cage with Michelle is still open. She said sometimes if two girls kiss each other people throw money at them. Yay for that. Sign. Me. Up.

I am totally going to become a stripper when I go to college because what the hell else am I going to do? Even a one bedroom apartment that's decent is going to cost over a thousand dollars a month and seriously, all the ones I'm seeing on CL suck and are crappy run down shitholes. There is no way I would be able to sneak two extra people into student housing, and I don't think they'll just give me the money they'd pay for it so I could put that towards my own place.

Excuse me while I go fucking kill myself. Even that I screwed up - I should at least have gotten life insurance so my sisters would get something out of my death besides a new laptop and an iPod. Christ. I hate everything.

Bottle of Ink

Tonight I had shrinking. Craig and I were talking a lot about being loyal to friends. He told me that a lot of people will tell him about people they're friends with who are terrible friends and so many times he hears that they can't stop being friends with them because they've been friends for XX number of years.

Craig said that's absolutely no excuse for keeping someone in your life who isn't a good friend. He said I need to think about what I get out of all my friendships and whether I'm friends with people out of habit or not.

So, I have a lot to think about. But not now. I spent two hours trying to tweak my new computer (!!) to work the way I want and it's way late and I have a headache. Now I am going to take Advil and go to sleep.

Loophole!

My friend Tamika posts on her blog like 40 times a day. She kind of uses her blog like Twitter. She'll shower, then dripping and in a towel, rush to her craptop and post two sentences, then go dry off, get dressed, then post what she's wearing, then finish getting ready, then post where she's going, etc. I tell you this because I feel like I'm posting a lot lately. I'll also tell you I'm wearing jeans, a black waffle shirt with a purple t-shirt over it that has a black star on it, and Danielle's purple paisley socks. But that's not the point of this post.

The point of this post is that Josh came over last night. We went to a few parties and then he said he'd take me home, and when we were a block away Josh said he was hungry. So I just invited him in. And the world did not explode! Aunt Elaine was already in bed and I think that's why it was okay. I think as long as she's already in her room, if she doesn't see it, she won't care.

So Josh came over and I made some pasta and we had a snack and hung out and it was awesome. I know it's a stupid thing but it was just so freaking nice to have somebody over. Josh slept over - Alex was at a sleepover but Dani was here so we slept on the couch in the living room and .... I don't know. I just had so much fun even though we didn't really do anything.

In the morning I went into our room to tell Dani Josh was here so she'd get dressed before she came out, but Josh followed me and was looking around our room. "There's no space to walk without stepping on something." No shit. Josh got all upset about the bed thing and I couldn't even listen to him. I won't believe anyone about helping until they actually walk through the front door with one. Then he got upset that I didn't believe him and we started having a retarded argument until Dani pointed out Josh should leave. And I don't know how she did it, but Dani convinced Josh to take us both out for breakfast, so he did.

And that's how I ate at IHoP for breakfast after inviting my boyfriend over without getting in trouble. The end.

She's In Fifth Grade

Alex offered to make me breakfast this morning as I was going to take a shower. When I sat down at the table to eat she asked me if oral sex is real sex. Shit. I don't know what the right answer is. So I told her yes, because if you can get an STD from it then it's sex. So what's oral sex? Anything sexual that involves your mouth or the guy's mouth. Alex nodded.

Aunt Elaine overheard us and muted the tv to ask me if I thought it was an inappropriate topic for Alex. No. But don't I think she's too young? Not really. If she's old enough to come up with the questions isn't she old enough to hear the answers? Aunt Elaine thinks Alex shouldn't be thinking about sex.

Then why do you let her watch Grey's Anatomy with you? Weren't Izzy and George discussing sex through the whole show? Why do we live in neighborhoods with crackwhores? Why don't you pay for Alex to take more dance classes so she's got something to do after school other than hang out in front listening to big kids talking?

Isn't it better Alex learns from home than from some skanky guy who offers to show her?

Sorry - nobody gave me the manual of what to say at what ages. And since you're not a wealth of useful information, I have to be. So don't criticize when I give it out unless you're going to take over. Which you're clearly not, since it would interfere with your tv-watching.

Much later Aunt Elaine asked why I didn't tell Alex she should just stay away from sex until she's grownup. I didn't know how to answer that. Aren't the people who do that the ones who wind up with kids who are pregnant and have STD's? It just seems stupid to leave someone in the dark when they want to know and understand something.

My Jordan Catalano

I am totally obsessed with My So Called Life. Obsessed. I can't believe this existed and that it wasn't renewed for ... ever. FOREVER!

My Jordan Catalano is this guy Micah. To say he's gorgeous doesn't even do him justice. At some point in his life he must have caused some car accidents simply by walking around outside.

In 9th grade he saw me once and as he said hi, punched me in the arm and I flew into a wall of lockers. Ever since then, he's called me Lightweight. Micah is always asking to borrow money from people - to scrape up enough for a dimebag, and he always asks girls.

Only girls. I never give him money. He never goes out with anyone more than three times. And he goes out with everyone. Everyone. But not me. I know, I know, Josh. It's not nice to cheat. But holy shit.

Micah is Jordan Catalano times four hundred. And he's not illiterate. Damn.

Good Gets Better

Because Friday night went so horribly due to my headache, Josh asked me yesterday if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight instead. We went into the city and walked around for a long time talking - it was really nice. I know maybe it sounds cliche, but fall in New York is my favorite time of year. Nothing is better.

Josh thinks so differently - it blows my mind. It was a lot of fun to hang out just the two of us and not be in a rush. I could have walked around the city with him all night.

I got a refurbished Macbook - it arrived tonight. This post that you're reading now? Courtesy of my brand new bright white beautiful new laptop. Which by the way is so much lighter than my old, crappy laptop. All I have to do is get my craptop juiced up once more to transfer everything over, delete it all, and then recycle it. Originally we were going to fix it and let Alex and Dani use it but this is beyond repair.

Still looking for a job. I was talking to this girl Michelle, and she dances in a cage at a club and said she could probably get me a job with her. And that'd be cool - except I don't think it pays that much and ummm... I think dancing in a cage is something I want to do like once, to experience it. Not like a job all the time. So still looking.

But Danielle on the other hand! She wasn't even trying and got asked if she'd babysit every Saturday night for this cute one-year-old boy! And she is allowed to take Alex with her if she's home. So maybe Dani will save up her money to buy her own computer. Because I could buy her one, but ... when I took my summer job, I'd said the only money I was going to spend was the $20 per week and on a laptop for me.

So anyway. This week is going really well.

Bitch, Didn't You Read My MySpace?!

A long, long time ago, like in the Mommy Days, I read this article about Sandra Bullock. The person said she was really nice to everyone and didn't have a star attitude. They said when she met someone new she always introduced herself, and didn't just assume everyone knew who she was. I liked that. I didn't know the word pretentious then, but that's what she wasn't.

Sometimes I don't keep up with everyone's MySpace page and I don't know something big that happened. Everyone always gets really upset and yells if you don't keep on top of things. I have a MySpace page too, but it's kind of retarded. I guess I'm kind of anti-drama. Most people have like hundreds of MySpace friends. Because I don't keep up with it, I have less than 300. I hate that they're called "friends". I don't take that word lightly. I hate accepting someone as my friend and then having someone else get all pissed at me. "You made her a friend?! She went down on my boyfriend, how could you do that to me?" Ugh. You know why I didn't know? Because I didn't check her MySpace page and see the latest pictures.

None of my friends know about this blog. All my friends-and-gossip stuff goes on my MySpace blog. Well almost all of it. All the pictures of us in our underwear in Heather's bathtub, 20 of us stuffed in there like clowns in a car? MySpace. The picture of Rory all bloody after he got wasted and tried to do a backflip off the hood of a car stopped at a red light but face-planted instead? MySpace.

Maybe it's because I don't update my MySpace stuff that often that I would never get annoyed at someone who doesn't keep up with my latest stuff. But really, I think it's more that I want to be like Sandra Bullock when it comes to this stuff. I want people to know things about me because they cared to ask, and I believed they cared enough that I took the time to tell them. I think having idols and all that shit is retarded. So I'm sort of embarrassed that I remember this thing about Sandra Bullock. But hey, at least I'm not looking up to Britney.

*This is a rough draft of an essay I had to write in English about something that's unconventional about you and the reasoning behind it.

I Get It Now

One time when I was little and came home from being out with my grandma, my mother was laying in the couch with a washcloth over her eyes. All the lights were off in the middle of the day and my mother was just laying there. She said it was a very bad headache, but I'd never had a headache and didn't really understand. I didn't get how light hurt, how even little noises, like opening a drawer or whispering, were too loud.

On Friday I was supposed to stop at Josh's house and then we were going to dinner and then party-hopping. I felt FINE on the way over. When I got to Josh's a headache slammed into my head and it was weird - I actually took a step backwards.

It was hard to breathe and I wasn't sure I could get back home. In the bathroom I ran water over the insides of my wrists while trying to figure out what to do. I was sweating and felt gross. Josh was leaning against the wall across the bathroom and I remember thinking he looked really hot then.

He asked if I was okay and I shook my head no. That was a HUGE mistake. We went into Josh's room and I laid down. I felt my shoes being taken off and I concentrated on not throwing up. It didn't work and I ran back to the bathroom and threw up twice.

Loudly. With the door open. Totally in front of Josh. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I crawled back to the bed while Josh went to get me some water. Getting off the floor was too hard, so I didn't bother.

Huge mistake though for when I had to throw up the third time. Honestly? Had I not been at Josh's I really would have just puked into the garbage pail.

It was so horrible. I was really embarrassed. Josh's mom came to look at me. She said I was horribly pale and when she put her hand on my forehead I leaned into it and it felt so good. I wanted to cry. And not just because I puked in front of a boy. But also because the taste of it was in my mouth and it made me feel like puking even more.

Josh's mother brought me a new toothbrush and told me to sit on the edge of the bathtub and brush my teeth. It felt good to get the puke taste out of my mouth. I didn't know where to put the toothbrush when I was finished with it. It's not like anyone would want to use it after I did. Was I supposed to throw it out? Keep it? I laid a tissue on the counter and put the toothbrush on it.

I looked around under the sink and found toilet bowl cleaner to pour in the toilet. When I got back to Josh's room his mom was sitting on the bed in the dark like she was waiting for me. She sat me down and asked if I wanted a different shirt. I started to nod but it hurt and I stopped.

When I took off my shirt I was kind of embarrassed to be just in a bra in front of my boyfriend's mother. She told me to lay down and when I did, she slid a wet washcloth under my shirt and laid it across my back. It felt good. I looked at the clock. 7:15 p.m.

"I'm sorry I ruined your bathroom" I told her. Josh's mother petted my hair and said it wasn't ruined at all. It felt very mommyish and I loved it and hated it all at the same time.

Three hours later I woke up. Everything was silent. Did Josh go to the parties without me? Was I going to have to talk to his parents without him there? I sat on the edge of the bed for a while, waiting to see if it would make me throw up. It took a few minutes for the dizzy feeling to go away.

I went to the kitchen for some water and Josh was sitting at the table playing cards with his dad. The lights were really bright. Josh asked how I was feeling. I tried to say "better" but it came out funny. My throat hurt. He handed me vitamin water and asked if I wanted toast.

Then I felt awful and didn't think I could stay there anymore. I needed to lay down again.

I ate half a piece of toast laying down on the couch and tried really hard to not make crumbs. That's where I slept Friday night. We missed dinner and parties - I ruined Josh's night. Saturday morning I felt better when I woke up - I used the toothbrush again and washed my face. I was scared to eat in case it made me throw up more.

Josh's mom brought me some applesauce. I definitely felt less pukey and my headache was gone, but I felt weird and scared it might come back. Josh asked if I wanted to go home. I knew my sisters were worried, because I'd told them I'd be home before they woke up. So I called and told Alex I was at Josh's and sick. Alex asked if I could bring her home a bagel.

Josh took me home and we did get Alex's bagel. I have been in bed since Saturday morning. I am still a little pukey. But now I understand my mother's headache. I wish I'd been quieter for her.