Alex offered to make me breakfast this morning as I was going to take a shower. When I sat down at the table to eat she asked me if oral sex is real sex. Shit. I don't know what the right answer is. So I told her yes, because if you can get an STD from it then it's sex. So what's oral sex? Anything sexual that involves your mouth or the guy's mouth. Alex nodded.
Aunt Elaine overheard us and muted the tv to ask me if I thought it was an inappropriate topic for Alex. No. But don't I think she's too young? Not really. If she's old enough to come up with the questions isn't she old enough to hear the answers? Aunt Elaine thinks Alex shouldn't be thinking about sex.
Then why do you let her watch Grey's Anatomy with you? Weren't Izzy and George discussing sex through the whole show? Why do we live in neighborhoods with crackwhores? Why don't you pay for Alex to take more dance classes so she's got something to do after school other than hang out in front listening to big kids talking?
Isn't it better Alex learns from home than from some skanky guy who offers to show her?
Sorry - nobody gave me the manual of what to say at what ages. And since you're not a wealth of useful information, I have to be. So don't criticize when I give it out unless you're going to take over. Which you're clearly not, since it would interfere with your tv-watching.
Much later Aunt Elaine asked why I didn't tell Alex she should just stay away from sex until she's grownup. I didn't know how to answer that. Aren't the people who do that the ones who wind up with kids who are pregnant and have STD's? It just seems stupid to leave someone in the dark when they want to know and understand something.
4 comments:
I think you were right to answer her question. In 5th grade (at least here) is when they have the Sex-Ed anyways, so it's not like she's not going to hear about it soon regardless. Besides, if she doesn't have any idea about it, then she's more likely to end up in a bad situation-- it's a proven fact that people who are given straightforward information and are taught what can really happen are more likely to abstain or at least practice safe sex. She is in 5th grade, but it doesn't sound like she's stupid. She'd find out about it from someone else if you didn't tell her, and what they might tell her would likely be wrong or designed to get her to do stuff too young anyway. Good job, Sam. Your aunt is an idiot.
--Dragon
you should answer her questions when she asks. If she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to have some answer. You may need to modify some answers but it sounds like you did the correct thing. And I'm a teacher, so HA! It's better she hears it from you than from kids at school who really don't know anyway.
i absolutely agree. if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to know. and it's much better if she hears it from you than gets "shown" by some guy who'll take advantage of her. and good you told her she can get STD's from oral sex. a lot of people sadly ignore that fact. i guess there's still a lot to know you might not have told her, i hope sex ed will take care of that.
reading this i remembered something that had come to my mind on one of your earlier posts about not always having or finding answers to sex questions. there's a very good book by a women named suzi godson, it's simply called "the sex book". it gives answers to just about everything, even the kind-of-weird stuff. it's very un-prude and un-sexist. it's on amazon.com, so you can have a look at the description by the editor. i really like that book because it's so un-fussy and straightforward. maybe this would be something useful for you to have in the house, so since aunt elaine doesn't seem to offer any help with that you will have somewhere to look when you don't know whom to ask.
Your answers to Alex were absolutely correct. If she can ask the question, she should get an answer. If you duck the topic, she will find out elsewhere, and as you said it IS better at home than with some skanky dude.
The trick to dealing with the questions is making sure that your answers are age-appropriate. You want to answer their questions properly, but not advance their knowledge of sex beyond what they are ready to know. How do you know that? Well, for parents we have to talk with our children and know them as well as we can. For you, it's by knowing who our sisters are, what they know, and what type of people they are.
I think you are the perfect person to address their questions right now. I hope you have someone you trust to ask questions. I know you are extremely knowledgeable and responsible, but you should have a trusted adult with whom you can chat. An outside opinion is helpful even for us adults who may have seen a lot in our lives.
As an aside, I have a few friends (male and female) with whom I can speak about relationships and sex in a frank way. It gives me perspective without the dirty locker room talk vibe.
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