Family Therapy

Mommy,

We had a family session today with Craig. We went over our 55 minutes because he was talking to Aunt Elaine by herself for a long time. I hate family sessions. There's always enough time for everyone to get warmed up and stop being polite and get real about what they're angry about. And then in the middle of it all, time is up and we have to go home together all furious at each other. I hate that.

I left Craig a voicemail during school asking him to talk Aunt Elaine into getting us the beds I want soon. Like this week. Or this weekend even - that would be fine too. She's not in any hurry. She told Craig that Dani's behavior isn't deserving of anything new. That's not really fair to Alex and me. Craig said there are laws about each kid having their own bed and aside from that, three girls with big personalities in a small room is a recipe for disaster and if she doesn't like the behavior now, it'll probably only get worse.

He really tried. I don't know that it worked. I think Aunt Elaine REALLY thinks she's doing us a favor and we should be grateful she lets us stay in her apartment at all. And maybe we should. But shit, BEDS? Alex and I have to be punished with no beds because Dani is acting like a brat? I told Dani she can sleep on the damn living room floor if she's not going to help us get new beds. She thought I was kidding until I took her blanket and pillow and put a chair against the door locking her out.

On the way out of therapy Craig said he'll call to follow up with Aunt Elaine later in the week. She was insulted and said we were constant reminders - he didn't need to remind her too about the beds. He said he won't be calling as a reminder, but just to check up and see if everything is getting worked out in a way that satisfies everyone. We'll see. I doubt I'll have a new bed any time soon.

Love,
Sam

Yay For Impending Newness!

Ma,

Our bed broke! We had a loft bed with a twin bed underneath. And we rotate who gets to sleep alone each week. And before Christmas, Alex noticed this huge crack and we didn't tell Aunt Elaine because we all agreed she would say it was our fault and get angry.

We do forward rolls off the top bed onto the floor a lot and stuff, and the top bed has been making these horrible creaking noises lately. Last night though, the huge crack traveled all the way through and the whole thing crashed down. It was SO. FUNNY. Except that Aunt Elaine was furious. But the angrier she got the funnier it seemed and we were laughing so hard and couldn't stop.

So we put the mattresses on the floor and now we're sleeping on those now and it's a pain because now there's no floor space. Aunt Elaine is so angry that she has to buy us new beds. We're all thrilled because we've been wanting our own beds for ages. I hope we get three twin beds and two are like bunk beds and we can put them against the walls to give us as much floor space as possible. Because three people in one tiny bedroom is hard enough as it is.

Love,
Sam

Did That Really Get Said?

Ma,

Remember that time that you left Alex and Dani with your friend and took me, just me, to Adventureland out in Long Island for the day? And the whole day was just us. And on the way there, you said to me for that day, we were going to be friends, not mother and daughter? And then you rolled down all the windows and turned the radio up really loud and blasted the music?? I need you to be my friend for this okay, not my mother.

The other night with Stefan, he was kind of intense. It might not have seemed so weird if last time he'd barely looked directly at me. But this time he was all about me. It was like The Sam Show. I was kind of uncomfortable. He'd stare at me with this little smile on his face and feed me lines and play with my fingers and hair and touch me a lot.

All weekend I've been getting texts asking if it's true that I'm going out with Stefan and telling me how lucky I am and how huge this is.

At the end of the night he went to kiss me, and it was okay. Erik was a better kisser, and so was Hector (but maybe that was his tongue ring). I mean, it was good in the "Holy shit STEFAN is kissing me" kind of way, but aside from that it wasn't amazing. So we were sitting on the ledge and Stefan asks if I like him. Sure I do. Then he launches into this whole speech that makes my head spin.

I really like you too. When I go out with girls, I don't hook up with other girls, so I have to get it all from whoever I'm dating. If I'm going to be telling people you're my girlfriend, you're gonna have to give it up consistently. You should know that going in.

So, to be Stefan's girlfriend, I have to have sex with him. I wasn't sure I was hearing him right when he said it; that's why I had to talk with Craig. When I got home that night I wrote down exactly what Stefan said to get it straight and make sure I understood. When I showed the paper to Craig he laughed. He said it's ballsy as all hell and I understood it exactly the way Stefan meant it.

I don't know how to respond to Stefan. Craig suggested telling Stefan I need time to think about it to buy some time, and in the meantime to think about if I want to be someone's girlfriend, what my vision of being part of a couple is, what I think my obligations as someone's girlfriend should be, what a boy's obligations to me should be as my boyfriend, and we can talk about it.

I am okay the way I am, and I'd be okay with having a boyfriend too. When Erik and I were going out I always felt weird about him paying for things for me. Like I owed him. Not that I'm all feminist or anything but I wanted to pay for myself more, much more, and I would have liked to pay for him too sometimes but I was embarrassed that I couldn't. So it was like, I could go and let him pay for me, or not go at all.

That's as far as I've gotten with Craig's four questions so far. I'm going to try to come up with answers to the other three tomorrow.

Love,
Sam

Second Date With Stefan

Mom,

It was NOT good. At. All. I am so ... angry/confused/frustrated/sad/whatever I can't even write out what happened now. Tomorrow I am going to talk with Craig (my shrink). I left him a voicemail saying not to cancel because this is important.

Alex dropped her toothbrush in the toilet this morning. Aunt Elaine said if she boiled it in water it would be fine to use again and Alex cried hysterically. So I bought her a new one today. I was going to use that money on Dani - I had $20 and this weekend I took Alex to use Music & Lyrics, so the rest of that $20 was going to be Dani's. At least I hadn't told her, so she won't know her money went to Alex.

The movie was really funny. Hugh Grant does a lot of dry humor. Drew Barrymore's hair didn't look good, but she seemed quirky and sweet.

Love,
Sam

Late Night

Mommy,

It's very late and I don't really feel like writing much. But. I went out with Stefan the other night. It was ... I don't know. Maybe that's why I haven't felt like writing - I don't know how to explain it correctly.

We just went out for pizza and then to Starbucks. But. It wasn't really comfortable. Exciting, kind of. But not comfortable. I felt like I had to stay on top of my game the whole time. Like be trying my hardest all night. By the time I got home I was totally drained. Stefan knew the guys in the pizza place, and some people he knew came into Starbucks while we were there. Remind me if it ever comes up that I wouldn't like dating a real celebrity. I think I need more attention - to feel more special.

So that was my date with Stefan. He called me this morning and asked me out for Monday night. I am not sure why he likes me. Some of the time we were out the other night, I felt like he was looking through me and not at me directly.

It is freezing here. I am going to bed.
Love,
Sam

It *IS* a Happy Valentine's Day!

Mama,

The AP showed up at our table today at lunch and asked me to come see him before 8th period. When I got to his office he said, "I don't have a valentine for you, but how about a brand new social studies class instead?"

In order to give me a different teacher, he had to change half my schedule around and now I don't think any of my friends are in the new lunch period. I am having fewer and fewer classes with my friends. The new schedule starts tomorrow. I am so excited.

This means tomorrow is Stefan and the new social studies. Jesus.

Love,
Sam

P.S. On the way out of the AP's office, I palmed two chocolate hearts wrapped in red tinfoil and gave them to Alex and Dani when we got home from school.

Holding Pattern

Hi Mommy,

My social studies meeting was today. It was me, the AP, my social studies teacher, and my guidance counselor. Mr. Castillo stuck with his position of there not being a problem in this class so there's no reason to switch. I pointed out that having to duck flying chairs and desks and being under-mentally stimulated IS a problem for me. I asked the AP during the meeting if with this No Child Left Behind thing it's helpful to how Mr. Castillo is judged to have me stay in the class because I get good test grades. Nobody gave me a straight answer.

My stupid guidance counselor said that life is hard enough and there's no reason to make it harder. I said I am having a hard time staying interested in a class when over half the period is spent with people being yelled at. She said she didn't think I understood how much extra studying would be involved if I switched into a harder class. But when I asked why exactly she thought that she didn't answer me.

Finally I said that with everyone being so against me switching, I feel like I'm doomed to get a bad grade no matter what class of Mr. Castillo's I'm in. The AP said he's sure that's not the case. Then we both looked at Mr. Castillo and he didn't say anything. So the AP asked if everyone felt everything had been said that needed saying. I told him nobody said I could switch classes.

He asked me to leave him a copy of my schedule and a copy of all my tests that I brought. When I brought them back at the end of the day he was on the phone, but said he'd get back to me before the end of the week, and that he was impressed with my preparation.

Yeah. That's nice. But switch my fucking class already! SOOOOOO frustrating!

So that's how my meeting went.

Love,
Sam

P.S. Aunt Elaine's tooth is infected and the dentist said she has to come back after it's better and then he'll fix her mouth. She got more pain killers and antibiotics. This morning she chipped her front tooth drinking coffee and got all upset about it.

Stefan

Ma,

Let me tell you about Stefan. He's a senior. He's famous. He knows everybody. In between periods he stands in the hallway and says hi to everyone. Literally, everyone who walks by. He doesn't just know the cool kids. He'll high five the losers too. Even the teachers. He was voted something last year - like class clown or most popular or something. He's so well known that even Danielle knows him. Okay, his sister is in her grade and maybe that's why, but still. Stefan is big.

I have heard rumors of people not liking him, but nobody ever admits it directly. It's always like "I heard Jen got in a huge fight with Stefan." But then Jen never says anything and it goes away.

Today after my social studies meeting I was walking down the hall opposite the direction I usually go in, and Stefan noticed. He stopped talking to some basketball players to talk to me. We had some random 20 second talk (that, to be honest, I wasn't even paying attention to), and at the end he said, "We should hang out sometime." Okay. I just said "sure" and walked away.

Later he came up to me when I was talking to Stefania and Tricia and said "So when are we going out?" and I was shocked. I thought he was just bullshitting with me. But apparently not, so on Thursday we're going out. I have never gone out with someone so .... popular before. Tricia said I can come over Wednesday to borrow some clothes and her sister will do my makeup after school Thursday.

So that's Stefan. Wish me luck that I don't do anything stupid.

Love,
Sam

Dog Dreams

Hi Mama,

I am all pumped up for my social studies meeting tomorrow. I put all my tests in chronological order in a folder, with a post-it on top that shows my average grade. I made a list of reasons for why my class should be changed. I made a list of reasons that I think they might say no, and wrote out arguments for those reasons. I picked out a really good outfit to wear. I practiced on Danielle and she said everything came out good. Aunt Elaine said that I should NOT wear my hair the way I was planning because it's not mature (pigtail braids), and that's a good point so I'm going to slick it back in a high ponytail instead. Alex said I should get a french manicure because they're mature, but I can't do that so I'll just leave my black nail polish on and try to not talk with my hands too much.

Speaking of hands, Alex can't write very well because of her stitches so I wrote her a note to bring to school tomorrow. She can write, but it looks like a messy boy's handwriting.

Dinner was cool. The fire family turned on their fireplace when we got there and I really like that smell. The dog is so cute - he's a cockapoo named Stanley Cup. They have these hardwood floors, and when you throw a toy for Stanley and he runs for it, his paws slide along the floor. Seriously, we need a dog. The fire mom was telling me after dinner that there are service dogs - not just for like blind and deaf people, but for people with diagnosed emotional problems. She said some were even used for 9/11. She said she'll find some information on it and e-mail it to me. I am going to ask my shrink about this, because seriously, I think a dog would make our lives a lot better.

We played all these card games at their house too. I already knew how to play Spit and Bullshit, but didn't know how to play Hearts. Ma, did you know that you can make hot chocolate like .... that's not instant? I hadn't realized that before - the fire dad cooked milk on the stove and then mixed it with ground up chocolate and a little bit of vanilla extract. Then he put whipped cream on top and it was so good. I don't think I'll be able to drink Swiss Miss ever again.

It was a really nice dinner, Mom. I wish you could have come with us. I know - if you'd been able to come with us, we wouldn't have fire family dinners. But still. When we were getting ready to leave, Alex asked if we could come over to play with Stanley. Even though it was rude, I'm glad she asked, because I'm too old to get away with it. The dad said they'll talk about their schedule and see what can be worked out. Which sounded to me like being blown off, you know? But when we were leaving and he was hugging me goodbye he said he hoped I wasn't too cool to skip out on playing with Stanley, so maybe not. I don't know; we'll see.

He's just so little and happy and cuddly. Stanley used to live at the mom's brother's house, but they were moving to a place that doesn't allow dogs. Terrible name, but really adorable dog. We agreed that when we get a dog we'll get a girl dog and name it Rocky.

Love,
Sam

Potpourri

Ma,

• Josh gave me a note saying he had fun the night before
• Heather told me my hair looked really good french braided
• Aunt Elaine is popping vicodens because something is wrong with her teeth - she's at the dentist now, hopefully getting fixed up
• Alex got five stitches yesterday from slicing her finger open with a knife. A knife she was going to use to cut an apple. Then when we got home she was "mad at the apple" and she threw it out. So Aunt E. got angry at her for that, and Danielle almost threw a quarter at her head. We watched Clueless and High School Musical with Alex to make her feel better
• I am still in the retard social studies class - my teacher actually said, "Why fix it if it's not broken?" with a smarmy smile, like I'd think he was doing me a favor. I am PISSED. I told him that what with all the chair throwing that goes on in our class, I'd feel safer in the other class, plus I'd learn more. He said we'll see. Yeah, I'll see him in the AP's office on Monday when we all have our meeting. Fucktard.
• But. I was talking with Josh about the whole thing, and he said he's pretty sure anyone can take the Regents, regardless of what class they were in.
• Tomorrow night we have a fire family dinner, and we are totally psyched because these people have a really cute dog. And they're really nice. Remember when Chris got really sick and was out of work for two weeks, and each day a different guy dropped off soup for him? This is the family that organized that.
• I want a dog. So does Alex. So does Danielle. Danielle wants me to promise that when we move out of here, I will make sure we move somewhere that allows dogs.

Love,
Sam

What Is Hanging Out With the Smart Kids For $600?

Hi Mommy,

This is teen week on Jeopardy. These kids in my English class were talking about it, and a girl sitting nearby invited me over to her house to watch. I almost laughed, because it seems so nerdy. Heather was having a Jeopardy party basically.

My shrink and I have been having a lot of talks about surrounding yourself in the lifestyle you're working towards. Like, I want to read thought-provoking books, so he said I should hang out in the library. I want to go to college, so I should make friends with other kids who plan to go also. So I went to the party tonight.

Heather's mom ordered in from a kosher deli - as each person walked in she handed them the take-out menu and we had to write down what we wanted. I didn't realize there would be dinner and wasn't sure if I was supposed to give money, and everything was really expensive. I got embarrassed and told Heather's mom I didn't bring enough money when she was in the kitchen alone. She said she was going to order a sandwich for herself but wouldn't be able to finish it, so I'd be helping her out if I shared with her. So I had half a roast beef on rye and a pickle and some matzoh ball soup. It was really good. The next time I have a lot of money I want to take Alex and Dani there.

Hanging out with the smart kids was ... okay. Everybody was really nice, even though they were all like "Why are YOU here?" at first. But after that nobody treated me weird. When Jeopardy was over we all ate and then watched Friday Night Lights, which I love. Heather's best friend is this girl Rachel and she french-braided my hair really well. If it's not too messy in the morning I'm going to wear it like this to school.

A boy named Josh walked me home, which was really sweet. I could like him. I could get used to the smart crowd.

Love,
(potentially) Smart Sam

More Info For You

Ma,

I found this other blog post that better explains why I'm not digging this vaccine. Still waiting for your sign. Still hoping it won't be a bird crapping on my head.

Thanks ahead of time,
Sam

Yet Again, Aunt Elaine

Mom,

If you were alive I would tell you that should you come home and find that I died of my head exploding, or of a heart attack, you should immediately sue Aunt Elaine. It would be all her fault, what with how crazy she is driving me.

Can we just review please? I'm pretty sure I would have noticed, but did I give birth when I wasn't looking? Have there been any immaculate conceptions in the last hundred years or so? Is 15 the new 21? Do I still count as a kid?

See because, I thought that Aunt Elaine was supposed to take care of us. I thought in exchange for Aunt Elaine getting to claim three kids on her taxes, she is supposed to do motherly things for us. Us, meaning me too. I thought she was supposed to do more than let the three of us share one bedroom, while reminding us of how she gave up her spare room and we should feel grateful for it.

I thought she's supposed to do more than buy food for us to eat (like cook it), and sign papers we need signed for school things. I thought she would like ... mother us. Not like you did, but still. I thought she'd take us to the doctor, not tell us to go by ourselves. I thought she'd come to stuff. I'm not saying every gymnastics meet or volleyball tournament, but Award Night twice a year would be nice. I thought she'd do stuff for us. Like cook us dinner, and maybe make our lunch if we are running late and maybe soup when we're sick. I thought she'd do our laundry. Okay at least help us.

I thought she'd like ... make me feel good. Not make me worry about her noticing me and picking on me. Not make me feel like shit when I don't fit into my jeans anymore even though I grew two inches. Not tell me I'm inconsiderate when I ironed for three hours last night, because I never asked if she needed anything ironed. Why am I the one who's supposed to be ironing all of Dani and Alex's clothing? Why isn't she doing it?

How come when Alex needs something all Aunt Elaine ever says is "Ask your sister"? I don't know the answers to everything! What if I'm royally screwing Alex up? The time the nails were coming out of that metal strip that goes over where the carpeting ends and it went through Dani's knee? How come I had to take her to the doctor? How come she had to sit in my lap for her tetnus shot?

Aunt Elaine won't even do little things for us. I had to ask a fire family for help with sewing a patch on my jeans so I could give them to Dani. I had to ask Alex's teacher how to make soup once, right after we'd first moved here and Alex was too sick for school. This isn't supposed to be my job. I'm so in over my head and I'm going to screw up if I haven't already.

This isn't fair. I want a fucking vacation. I want to go to a rave and sleep at a friend's house afterwards. I want to go on a Spring Break trip next year. I want to hang with friends after school and not have to get home to make dinner for Alex and Dani. I want

I just want to be left alone. And only responsible for me. And not even that sometimes.

Love,
Sam

Jami

Mommy,

Jami was more scared than actually injured. People were making it sound like she'd just been released from the hospital or something. Jami's being really dramatic about it too. Saying she doesn't want anyone to retaliate for her because the idea of someone going through what she went through is just too much. I am disgusted by the whole thing. These people are so lame.

I need new friends,
Samantha

Jumped

Ma,

Jami got jumped last night. I am so sad; you know she can't fight for shit. Obviously she's not in school today. Everybody is talking about it and planning retaliation. I called Jami but her mother wouldn't let her get on the phone - she said she was resting. Whatever. I'm going to go to her house after school.

Everybody wants me to say I'll fight, which I totally would. I love Jami. Except I'm still in leftover trouble from the last fight. This sucks. Firstly, I have no clue why exactly Jami got jumped. Secondly, unless she puts the word out that it's okay, if I don't fight, then I'm going to get jumped. And I can't even get in touch with Jami!

I keep putting off actually saying "no" to going to find Jazmyn, which is who everybody decided started it, and I am going in a few minutes to call Aunt Elaine to tell her she needs to come pick me up early from school. I'll fake sick if I have to.

There's like this fighting mentality, Ma. I totally used to be in it, and would get this rush any time I was going to be in a fight. Really, it was a total high to be fighting. And now I don't have it anymore and the fighting seems so rushed and disorganized. I mean, if it was Jazmyn then yes, absolutely her ass needs to be kicked. But NOBODY is allowed to talk to Jami, so unless they were there, how do they know it was her? And if Jazmyn's jumped and it wasn't her, then someone ELSE will wind up getting jumped in retaliation for THAT. It's like a never-ending cycle.

Stupid fucking therapy and PINS shit, making me think fighting is bad. Next thing you know they'll say fast food is bad too.

I am stressed,
Sam