Bragging and Halloween

Danielle is dressing as Britney and her boy-best friend Marco is dressing as K-Fed for Halloween. I thought it was extra funny, because Dani would probably never make any of the retarded mistakes / decisions Britney has made.

This weekend, Dani took her test to see if she can go to Bronx Science for high school. I hope she can - it'd be like her idea of heaven, being all geeky, surrounded by other geeks, all day long, being geeky together. I think she finds out in February.

P.S. Alex is going as Pippi Longstocking, but swore this is the last year she'll let us talk her into it. I have pipe cleaners all ready for her braids, and she's got striped tights and everything.

Gray Thursday

I forgot to put on my watch today. I check the time like 49282 times each day, and not wearing a watch is awful. Usually I turn off my cell phone in class, and turn it back on in between classes. Vibrate is so loud.

I risked it anyway, even though they threaten to take away cell phones if they ring in class. But you can see the tan line on my wrist where my watch is.

Then, my social studies teacher wasn't bombarded with people at the end of class so I asked him how much time Moot Court would be, because it sounds like fun and Craig said I should try to join stuff. And he said, "If you're starting out with hesitations because of the time commitments, then this is not the group for you. Look into volunteering, where they'll appreciate the ten minutes you'll halfheartedly give." Wow. Way to be a prick. Grownups wonder why kids are so disinterested in school - THIS is why. Because you treat us like assholes.

Then I had shrinking, and Craig can't switch me to an earlier time slot. And he can't drive me home. And Danielle's shrink CAN see her at an earlier time slot, but I'm not sure that helps us. Well, maybe it helps her - she can bring Alex and then they can go home together from there and it won't have been dark for too long. I don't know.

I told Craig maybe he should be fired because I still feel all fucked up and angry. But he asked how many fights I've been in since I started coming to him. None. I mean, I've been involved, but I haven't thrown any punches lately. It just feels like a waste anyway. He hasn't gotten us beds, Aunt Elaine hates us (except Alex), nothing is better.

Then when I came home there was a big group of boys standing near the door and they wouldn't let me in. "Give us something." How about my middle finger, would you like that? What a freaking pain. So I went down the street and called Dani to tell her and she said there's a side door so I went back but couldn't find it and then they saw me and screamed that they already told me to leave and started throwing things so I left again. I fucking hate living here.

Twice in 45 minutes I got asked if I had weed by druggies while I sat on the curb waiting for the door to be free.

Lastly, I planned this morning that for dinner I'd have Grape Nuts with a banana, and I put out two of them. Aunt Elaine ate one and the other one still has green on it. There is nothing good to eat now.

Moved

We have moved, and we are not happy. Our old apartment was too expensive and I sort of knew this was coming, but I thought since it didn't happen this summer it wouldn't happen at least until next summer. And I thought we'd get to look at different apartments and choose. Not that Aunt Elaine would just choose for all of us.

So now we've moved from one crappy section of the South Bronx to a differently crappy section of the South Bronx. I miss our crackwhores. We've got less crackwhores here, but more drug deals and fighting, it seems. I never felt like our crackwhores were dangerous. To each other they maybe are, but not to us. To us they've always been really nice. The drug dealers seem more aggressive, and I think we have different ideas of personal space because I keep feeling like they get all up in mine. Dani and I had agreed just this year that Alex could start coming home from school by herself, but now that we moved she can't. Alex doesn't mind because she's scared to walk past the older boys who stand near the doors anyway.

Our new bedroom is smaller than the old one and that one was too small. So right now our dresser is in the hallway. Which Aunt Elaine doesn't like because there's barely room to get by, even for me, and she's like four of me put together. So Dani, who must have been smoking crack to have the balls to say this, suggested to Aunt Elaine that she give us her bedroom, since it's bigger, and we're more people. When I went to bed last night Dani said her cheek still stung from the slap. I feel bad for her, not so much that it hurts, but more because Aunt Elaine said she slapped Dani for being disrespectful since she's the adult, she should get the bigger bedroom, but I don't think Dani was really being fresh, just offering up a solution to a way we could get the dresser out of the hallway.

Our beds leave us with almost no floorspace at all, so there's really no room for the dresser. The three of us could probably fit on two mattresses, but I feel like if we start sleeping like we're in a third world country it'll be like a slippery slope down to cooking the cockroaches for dinner. The way it is now is a fire hazard, and Topher would not be happy at all. I tried making a horseshoe like Craig did for us this summer, but the beds don't lay flat that way. Plus then we'd have to put the dresser in the middle of the horseshoe, which would mean one of us would have to be sleeping behind the dresser and nobody wants to, which means I'd have to. We don't have the hall closet like we did in the old apartment anymore either, so Aunt Elaine had me put all that stuff on the floor of our closet. So now our Mommy boxes don't fit. So they're on top of the dresser in the hallway, which looks really ugly. Plus we don't have anywhere to put all the stuff we'd been keeping on top of our dresser. If we put that stuff on top of the boxes, Alex can't reach.

I did something really mean and told Alex she had to get rid of all her old magazines. We don't have the room anymore. Alex cried and said she wanted to collect all the magazines with their holiday stuff for this season. Sorry. But then she decided to send them to San Diego for the kids staying at that football stadium to have something to do. Dani said that's a dumb idea, that it'll make people feel bad to look at magazines full of stuff that they maybe used to have but burned, but Alex said kids would like it. They kept arguing about it but I walked out, so I don't know what happened after that.

I want to go to a fabric store and get pretty colors of fabric and cover our Mommy boxes with that. If they're going to be out all the time, I want them to look pretty. Dani said we should just draw on them but I think that'll just make them look old. She must be so upset with herself for dying and leaving us like this. I am so positive this is not how she meant for us to be living at all.

All my rules for getting a job are over. I don't even care if I have to wear a polyester uniform - wait, yes I do who the hell am I kidding. Okay, I don't care if … well I still have all the same rules. No, okay, a uniform is okay with me, as long as it's not polyester. But I really need to step up the job search. Because I don't think Danielle and Alex would ever forgive me if I graduated from high school and didn't move them out of here. I probably wouldn't forgive myself.

Titles Are Overrated

Wednesday was Dani's birthday. Tomorrow is mine. My mother told me once she wanted to have all her kids in the fall, because she knew we'd all come out smart and she liked the idea of us all not being held back a year in school.

Alex almost was - she stopped talking for a couple of months. But she still didn't get held back. We got Dani all these funky socks from Target - we thought we'd only get her three pairs but they were having a sale, so we realized we could get six. But then I found a pair I really liked and so did Alex, so Dani was only going to get four, but then we realized Alex's feet are too small for the socks she likes, and she got me to agree if she couldn't get socks I couldn't either, so in the end Dani wound up with six pairs.

She loves them. I'm so happy. Alex and I laid out each package of socks on the couch like our mom used to any time we got new clothes. We'd leave them out for a couple of days until we couldn't stand looking at them without wearing them anymore.

Now Alex and I are even numbers and Danielle is odd. Heh - I have to tell her that.

Giving Girls a Bad Reputation

This may sound kind of obnoxious, but I don' t mean it that way: I like myself. I try really hard to be a good person, and fair to people, and nice to them, and I hate drama and power trips and try to avoid those. And it's not like I'm saying, "Every day I try really hard to fly like a bird" because I think I AM doing a good job being a person I can like.

However. All those OTHER girls who are bitchy and play games and mindfuck people? They're making my life harder!

This weekend has been crazy busy. Friday night I got into bed at 3:35 a.m. - that's how busy things are. I can't help it. But, Josh wanted to hang out, and asked me to meet him and his friend at the movies today. I told him I had some Danielle-stuff to do and would have to be like five minutes late. Dani under-estimated though and a half hour after the movie started, I was finally able to start out. I didn't even really want to see this movie, so the idea of paying money for part of a movie made me decide to just not go at all. I went home instead and left Josh a voicemail explaining and apologizing.

It kind of worked out really well for me to not go, because Alex and I had agreed to clean our room today and do laundry and throw out all the old papers and garbage and stuff. So like as I'm writing this, there's only one more load of laundry left, which is really good.

But Josh wasn't as happy about the whole thing, and he called to accuse me of standing him up to get back at him for dumping me. This is why sometimes I hate girls - only another girl would do something like that. Not me. So I got all insulted and told Josh not to treat me like other girls who create drama and fuck with people, because I don't do that.

So Josh-wise, this has not been a very good weekend. Homework and clothing and room-wise, it's been highly productive.

Want Fries With That?

I need a job. After working all summer, I got very spoiled and I need to be spoiled again with a weekly paycheck.

This is all I've (with the help of a friend) come up with:

Fast Food Place - bad for my skin, and even if I could get free food, I wouldn't eat it or feed that shit to my sisters anyway

Gap or Old Navy - employee discount, but this girl's sister told me the Gap treats employees like at any moment they're going to steal and they check your bag before you leave, and you're supposed to wear Gap or Gap-like clothes when you're working.

Hostess/Waitress - possibly tips, possible down-time to do studying, possibly free food

Front desk chick at a place like Chelsea Piers - probably wouldn't get anything free except use of the place, but nothing for my sisters, but lots of downtime for studying.
Here's my criteria:

1. Nothing that involves a uniform or polyester
2. Time for studying and homework huge plus (doorwoman job would be perfect, except I'm too young)
3. Has to be a place where my sisters can walk in when they need me
4. If I get a discount, then it has to be a place where I'd go - a job at like Ann Taylor or Williams Sonoma would be retarded
5. I can't morally object to it (like McDonald's or Curves)

Babysitting would totally bring in more money than one of these retail jobs but I'd need to do a LOT of babysitting, and at night, when the kid was asleep so I could do homework.

I'm thinking that waiting until I'm 16 (in like two weeks) is a good idea because then I'll be allowed to work later and more hours. But I want to use those weeks to find something and get all hired up and everything.

Please Sign Here

I agreed to go out with Josh again, with the understanding he is not allowed to break up with me for the same reason as last time, he's not allowed to break up with me on my birthday or Christmas or any other major date, and if he does want to break up, he will tell people I dumped him this time. I made him sign a contract and everything.

He better not fuck me over. I'll kick his ass if he does.

What I'm Having Aunt Elaine Sign Today

Dear Alex's Teacher,

I understand that once a week, you assign Current Events to Alex's class. From what I see at home, Alex does find an article in the newspaper each week. She neatly writes out the who, what, where, when, and why of the story, and staples the article to the back of her paper like she's supposed to. Alex does not only pick the easy articles that are short, but always chooses good articles about interesting things, like NCLB, or Jena, even when they're very long and they take extra time.

Alex came home today upset that you always give her a zero in Current Events. She explained that you told her you're doing this because she does not use a "real" newspaper article, but instead, reads the newspaper online and prints out the article from the computer. Alex told me she told you that we do not have a subscription to the newspaper. Perhaps you are aware that the school library will not let Alex cut out articles from their old newspapers, but Alex did explore that option in early September.

I do not think it's fair at all that you are giving Alex zeros on an assignment simply because she does not have a newspaper subscription. If anything Alex should get extra credit for her creativity in working around the problem, instead of not turning in anything at all. School is mandatory. You can not penelize a student who can not afford to do work the way you want it done, if the way they do it includes the same information. Should your giving Alex zeros in Current Events encourage me to tell Alex not to bother doing any projects that involve oaktag, since that's not in the budget either? Sure, she could staple four pieces of paper together to create one paper that's the same size as oaktag, but I'm sure that's not acceptable to you.

I hope Alex's gym teacher does not follow your lead and give her a 4 since her sneakers are only from Old Navy and not from Foot Locker.

Thank you in advance for reconsidering your grading policy. We will look forward to Alex getting grades in the near future that reflect her work and not the supplies she has to work with.

You suck,
Elaine

What To Do, What To DOOOOO?!

I got a note today from Josh saying he wants to talk with me. He found me after school and said he misses me and wants to get back together. I was like, but all the same reasons you broke up with me are still there. Nothing's changed.

And he said he knows, but he sort of considered going out with another girl (the one I was accused of beating the shit out of but didn't) and realized he likes me way better, and that for the last month he's walked around missing me even though when he decided to break up with me he thought he'd be happier.

I don't want to go out with him again if he's just going to dump me later when he gets tired of me not having time and money to do stuff. I didn't tell Josh I miss him too, but I do. I said I'll think about it.

I'm kind of done thinking, but don't know what to think. What do you think?

Why Do You Suck

Dear Aunt Elaine,


You suck. On multiple levels. You never cook any food except for yourself. You never clean up after any meals. Please stop waking us up at night if you find that we didn't clean the sink perfectly, or you made a snack, got crumbs on the floor or counter that you didn't notice at the time, that you think we need to clean up. Also, if we didn't get something perfectly clean, you don't need to put it on our beds during the day. You can just leave it in the kitchen and we'll try again when we get home from school. All you do is piss us off when you leave things on our beds.
Speaking of which, don't fucking yell at me that I don't clean the tea kettle. You NEVER use it. All we use it for is to boil water. Boiled water is clean. Therefore the teapot is clean. I clean it like once a month. It's okay for it to sit with water in it.

Also you bitch about us spending money on fruits and healthy foods (like the lean chopped meat instead of the fatty kind) but then bitch about being fat yourself. Do you notice the difference between what you eat and what we eat? Why do you talk so much about how MAYBE you'll do a diet? It doesn't have to be some huge production. You don't have to do it all at once. Just start already. For like every single medical issue you have, you've been told to lose weight. You just fell again (AGAIN!) last week. When will you stop talking about it, and just start eating less?

Stop threatening to take away my computer. Perhaps since you never leave the house and never talk to parents you don't know this, but it's kind of impressive to have three kids in school who all get really good report cards. We NEED my computer, shitty as it is. You take my laptop away, I'm going to take away your remote control. We can go to the library for computers, what will you do without tv?

Stop bitching that we're loud. We have to be quiet all day in school. You're supposed to be able to be loud at home. You get like a minimum of five hours of silence all day while we're at school. If you want more quiet, turn off your precious tv.

You have no friends. That's your freaky decision to make, but we don't want to be like you. We want friends, and part of having them is being able to invite them over. What the hell are you so ashamed of that we can never ever have anyone over? The only room that's kind of messy is our bedroom, and that's because there are three of us in a space not quite big enough for one person. Our friends don't mind.

Lastly, one word: BEDS!

Hatefully,
Sam

We're Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday

Alex is friends* with a boy named Gideon. He has a twin brother named Bram. This weekend was their birthday party at Chelsea Piers, and Alex did rock climbing and the batting cages. Alex was all stressed out about what to give them for presents because:

1. They were going to give her a birthday present from last week, and that's two presents from them and only one present from her, and

2. They are really really rich. Whatever we can afford to buy them, they probably already have a nicer version of.

All week I kept telling Alex, "You have to buy your presents, don't forget and then cry on Sunday!" She kept telling me she knew, she knew, she was working on it. But I was getting nervous on her behalf. Nerves by proxy?

Finally yesterday morning Alex says I have to take her into the city, to a bakery. Turns out in school they had to write about their favorite things and Gideon wrote about rainbow cake from an Italian bakery. Then he told Bram about it, and he agreed that's his favorite thing too. So that's what Alex wanted to give them for their birthdays. Rainbow cake. She's a weird kid.

Their mother said it was the most original gift they got. Oh, and they gave Alex fancy personalized stationery with a diary and a fancy pen, and a personalized mug.

*And by friends, I mean she's got a wicked crush on him.

Notes For Next Time

1. When you have no plans because nothing anyone else is doing sounds good to you, and you get invited to a friend's house to watch Friday Night Lights, just KNOW that boys will show up and you will want to look cute and should wear something nicer next time. If it's Friday and you're going outside, DRESS UP, even if just going to the corner store.
2. Any time you ask someone where they found the guys who are coming over and their answer is vague and involves "the mall" just know they'll be sketchy guys.
3. Tasting six different types of beer DOES count as drinking, even if you had less than an entire one of any of them.
4. If sketchy guys don't care that you're dressed like a slob, know that whatever compliments they're giving are just to get you to make out with them. Don't bother letting their compliments make you feel good.
5. After making out with sketchy complimentor dude whose name you're not sure of, when he asks if you want to go for a walk, either don't go or pay attention to where you're walking. Or bring someone. Or bring money for a cab.
6. When sketchy guy's friends magically show up saying they have to go to another party, don't think you can't ask for a ride back to your friend's house because "they seemed like they were in a rush" as that will sound lame to you when you remember your reasoning.
7. After walking 14 blocks through the South Bronx with random people throwing glass bottles at your back to get home, do not blindly wipe off the back of your jeans before going inside - there will be glass embedded in your jeans that will slice up your hands and make you bleed.
8. When you get home and take off your jeans, don't let them fall on the floor and leave them there because you're tired and in a bad mood. Your sister will step on them in the dark and then scream that something bit her, and then you will have to get up anyway to take glass out of her foot with tweezers. Then she will be mad at you.
9. Try really hard not to be an asshole. Really, REALLY hard.

She's Dead, I'm Great, How Are You?

Yesterday after leaving shrinking I ran into my second-grade teacher. She remembered me, and gave me a big hug and said I'm so tall now. "How are you, and how's your mother doing?"

I stay so close to home that I forget some people don't know. It was so talked about and gone over from every different angle and I just forgot. I forgot that "Oh you poor child" look that I hate that adults give when they hear about it. I forgot that "I'd be devestated if it were MY mother" look, and the "Better her mother than mine" followed by the "No, that's a horrible thing to think, I hope it doesn't show on my face" look.

It's much easier when everyone knows and everyone is used to us talking about it. They don't flinch when they talk about their mothers in front of me, or when I start a sentence with "My mom taught me ...".

So Ma? Mrs. Kruptman sends her regards. She remembered that you sewed all the costumes for our West Side Story play. And that you brought in our yellow baby bathtub for the class ducks.

Mish and Mosh

Last night at our Fire Family dinner we got money for clothes! And, I have come to discover Forever 21 and H and M!!! I am so, so happy! You know, except for the fact that I realized I have to add the cost of a surge protector to my new laptop budget. But, I'm going to ask around because I'm sure we know a geek who's got an extra.

Alex turned 10 on Saturday and at our dinner on Sunday there was a cake for her and a gift certificate to Limited Too. Dani and I made her breakfast in bed and Alex has always wanted one of those retardedly over-sized cards that are like, the size of oaktag, so we got her one of those, and then also Danielle found these soaps at a Pier One store that smell good and were on clearance, so we got Alex ten of those. I might steal one.

I was telling Craig about it tonight and he said if it comes down to it he'll buy one for me, but I don't think I need that. He let me change our shrink time to earlier so I can get home in time to watch Dancing With the Stars. We missed dinner tonight but it was worth it.

Also, he told me he's recommending Dani for shrinkage. I asked if he'll do it but he said no, she'll do better with a girl shrink and will only go once a week. How come if we're both girls I do better with a boy shrink? I forgot to ask that. Poor Danielle - all fucked up in the head.

Craig said I really need to do a better job controlling my temper and umm... I got mad and yelled at him. I know, the irony. But seriously! I get angry about so many different things and everyone's always saying I can't. When do *I* get to scream at people? When is it my turn? It's not fair. This year we were supposed to get me down to only going to shrinking once a week but I guess that's not going to happen any time soon.

All day today I kept seeing the assistant principal in the hallways between classes. Finally I asked him if he was stalking me. He laughed and said kind of - he was trying to save me from myself. So I told him I had NOTHING to do with that girl and that was just my old friends who, I can't really tell, but they're not really my good friends anymore. He told me he was glad to see I was getting more out of the harder classes than just a more thorough education.